066: Ciders and Setbacks and Loving who you are (no matter what)

Hey out there! I am determined to keep up with this, since blogging also helps me keep up with my routine.

(not that I kept up with my routine very well in the last three days- but once again I am getting ahead of myself)

So on Monday, all was good. I tried some tuna steak and didn't die, I worked out, I was on track. But of course, things like that never last.

Also on Monday morning, I had a child at my inclusion daycare center become violent and had to restrain him. Because we are short staffed, I was by myself and had to carry this child to the door soI could open it and tell the receptionist to call me some backup. This meant restraining/carrying the child in a way I normally would not have done so that I didn't hurt him in transport. I should also point out that this child, while only in 3rd grade is as tall as me, weighs easily over 100 lbs and is all muscle. He was also struggling to get out of the hold pretty hard.

In short, my arms got a fucking workout.

I didn't work my arms that night at the gym, did cardio, legs, and abs only.

But then when I woke up the next morning, my left arm felt funny. Like I had slept on it the wrong way. As the morning went on it got more tight and painful, to the point that by noon I had almost no range of motion in my left arm, and was in excruciating pain whenever I moved it at all. I'm pretty sure I have tendonitis in my left shoulder. Ice and Ibuprophen have become my best friends over the last few days.

But obviously I haven't worked out.

I stuck mostly to my diet plan over the last few days though, with a few notable exceptions. I had a work event on Wednesday, during which I was already planning on not sticking to my diet plan. My organization does family stye chicken dinners EXCLUSIVELY at alll events. I think this is a rhode island thing, since nobody else has ever seemed to know what this is. So I will tell you. Essentially it's big huge platters of salad (which always has dressing on it already. Dressing is gross. I don't eat vegetables with dressing. Gross gross gross.) pasta, chicken, and potatoes. Not exactly the healthiest dinner ever.

Then last night I was quite proud of myself for staying on track all day, but then in 90 minutes my day went to shit. I got in the stupidest car accident ever. The other driver was mean and old and mean. Then my keys to my apartment wouldn't work. So I found myself on the pizza and alcoholic cider train pretty damn fast. Stress eating  is a thing.

And today I am back on track. For now, anyway.

But I found a blogger that really got me thinking. A friend of  mine posted a link to TheMilitant Baker . She is essentially a chubby lady who is perfectly happy just the way she is. And that's great. I am happy for anyone who is happy the way they are, but it really is a tough concept for me to reconcile. I particularly had a tough time with her entry titled "What the fuck is no diet talk?" because she's basically saying everything I am doing is wrong.

Here's the thing. When I am on a diet, I am way more conscious of what I am putting in my mouth on a regular basis. Thus, I feel healthier, I have more energy, and I am slimmer. I don't think I am supposed to be a size 2, but I also definitely don't think I am supposed to be a size 22 either. There were some interesting points though. The MB (militant baker) talks a lot about intuitive eating, which is the idea of eating following no rules and allowing your body's desire to eat to govern what/when/how you eat. There's one problem with that. What if eating intuitively means you eat crap food whenever you want, and really little/nothing else? It just seems a little impossible, unless you already have healthy eating habits, which I don't. I'm certainly not denying myself having something that falls outside the category of nutritious ALL the time, but when you are used to saying yes to whatever, you need to deny yourself now and again, I think. You need to get yourself in the routine of making healthier choices, and then it will (hopefully?) BECOME routine. That being said, I've never quite gotten there, but I know it will happen. Eventually.

She also writes about how the media makes fat people hate themselves and isolates them from the mainstream to further perpetuate the need for diet products. Blah blah blah conspiracy theory conspiracy theory conspiracy theory.

But I feel like this lady is doing just as much a disservice as people who say you HAVE to lose weight. This girl almost makes it seem like there's something wrong with you if you want to get healthier, because you're buying into the big corporate government machine.  Dont lose weight! Stay fat! You have to love yourself no matter what!

Please note, I agree with loving yourself no matter what, but we should always be on a quest to be the best we can be, right? And if you FEEL like crap, why should you decide to stay fat? Because it's easier? To prove a political point? That's just as stupid as saying it's wrong to be fat in the first place.

I don't speak for all fat women everywhere, the way this woman claims to, but I speak for myself. I know that when I am heavier, I have no energy, I'm bummed out all the time, I feel sick more often, and I have no self confidence. This is what works for me. Exercising, eating more consciously, and trying to change my body to something that FEELS better. And if it looks better in a skirt, then that's the icing on the cake. And I do mean cake. Because a little junk food now and then never hurt anyone. :)

I mean, what do YOU think? Is there a point at which everyone is just supposed to say "fuck it", and embrace their size? Should everyone just eat intuitively when/what they want, all the time, no matter what? Am I wrong in thinking that I should be getting my ass to the gym and eating better? Or should we all love ourselves, but continue to work towards being the best possible version of ourselves, both for ourselves and others?

Sorry if this blog is a little rambly, I'm sort of in the weeds on this.

065: Trying New Things, Kicking Ass, Taking Names

Hey! So, yesterday was day two, and it was a really big test as to whether or not I can actually make this work. Yesterday my day started when my alarm went off at 5:45am. From that time until 8:30, when I returned to my boyfriend's house, I did not stop moving. I worked 3 different shifts at 2 different jobs, and in my free time (meaning the hour I had to myself between job 2 and second shift of job 1) I had to run a bunch of errands. Normally this would mean one thing: Next stop, drive thru city! But I made a point to plan out my meals (like I did today), and actually stuck to my plan, which was awesome. And I already am finding I am less tired, and have more energy when I'm eating better.

I even went to the gym after my 12 hour day, which I am especially proud of. Granted, I did a shorter, modified version of my full workout routine, but it was still totally worth it. Better than nothing, right? Usually I do the elliptical, but last night i did the treadmill. I haven't done the treadmill in a while, and using it raised some questions. More specifically, HOW THE HELL DO YOU RUN ON A TREADMILL? I see girls/guys doing this all the time, and I want to scream this question at them. I can walk pretty fast on the treadmill, and it''s comfortable. I want to add more speed, but I can't seem to get used to the rhythm of running on a treadmill. I always get this terrifying feeling that I am one misstep away from being on America's Funniest HomeVideos. Seriously. And yet, the girl next to me was happily jogging away like it was nothing. I want to jog! Maybe I will just stick to the elliptical. I can go as fast as I want that way.

So after the gym (and showering at the gym, which I've never done but managed to get ready in half the time it takes me at home), I went to my boyfriend's house, where he had decided to cook dinner. Because he is awesome.

Now those of you who actually know me will know that I am VERY picky. I stick to a handful of things and really don't eat anything beyond that. I know what I like, and I don't see the point of changing it.This can be tough, since pretty much all the things I like aren't all that healthy, so when I am trying to make healthy lifestyle changes, my choices are pretty limited. And one can only eat so many baby carrots and pieces of grilled chicken with spinach.

I always figured I didn't really like fish because it smelled so.... fishy. Why anyone would put canned tuna fish in their mouth when it smells the way it does still kind of baffles me. But my boyfriend is pretty persistent, so I figured I would finally try some fish that he was cooking. I was feeling good, and adventurous, and figured why not? Last night he made Ahi Tuna Steaks seasoned with lemon pepper. And they were awesome. I was fully prepared to NOT like them, but it was delicious, and not fishy at all. I could eat that on a regular basis, which is great, since the department of health recommends integrating fish twice a week as part of a healthy diet. Apparently fish is full of all kinds of healthy things that your body needs. Who knew! I may even try other fishes or fish recipes that don't taste too fishy. Any suggestions?

So now Ive made it through 2 days. My muscles hurt, but aside from that I'm feeling REALLY good.

Week 1- Day 2
Breakfast- protein shake (6:30am)
Snack- 20 unsalted almonds (9:30am)
Snack 2- Banana (12:30pm)
Lunch-  Protein Shake (1:30pm)
Snack 3- 3 cups smartpop (4pm)
Dinner- Ahi tuna steak and green beans

Plus- 3 Liters of water, multivitamin, and b12 supplement

Gym: 35 minutes on treadmill, 10 reps of 10 crunches

064: Don't call it a comeback.

So. I've decided I need to get back to doing this every day, among other things. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start 9 months ago, back at my last blog.

Around that time I met my boyfriend, and things have been amazing. My work life has been pretty fulfilling, I've been gigging fairly regularly, and I've been dating the same guy ever since. I couldn't be happier. So obviously, cue the weight gain!

There's a lot of factors that led me here. I cut my hours at my second job when I started dating someone, so I couldn't afford herbalife anymore. I have since found that that was a blessing in disguise, as my body still doesnt really digest things normally anymore. Also, I did a lot more research into herbalife and found out that it had been linked to so many health problems. I guess all that easy weight loss came with a price that I don't think I will ever pay again.

HOLIDAY WEIGHT IS A THING.

Then there was the holidays. And we all know holiday weight gain is a thing. I researched this. Various media sources have put the average at 5 pounds during november and december, with many citing that a lot of people gain 7-10 pounds during the holidays.

I gained 12.

RELATIONSHIP WEIGHT IS A THING.

So in January, I said I was going to get back on track. But I didn't, really. It didn't last, for a myriad of reasons. The first being that I didn't have this blog to hold me accountable every day. The second was that it is REALLY hard to get up and go to the gym, especially on the weekends, when you've got someone to snuggle with instead. Relationship weight is a THING. Especially in a happy relationship. When you go out, you eat. And when the other person eats what they want, it seems more acceptable to order what you want. Suddenly you've got this person who loves you just the way you are, which makes it really hard to motivate yourself to change at all. It's a good feeling, a really good feeling, but then you turn around and you're 24 pounds heavier than you were in September, and you're back to hating the way clothes fit and the way you look in pictures (eek!).

But worse than that, I FEEL like crap. I am sluggish, I have no energy, my stomach is constantly turning. I'm winded where I wasn't winded before- I mean, it's nothing like it was last March when I started herbalife. I can climb a hill or a flight of stairs without feeling like I might die. But it's a slippery slope, and I know if I don't do something, that is where I am headed again.

And I'm not EVER going back there again.

So I'm back to blogging, back to the gym, back to eating healthy. My parents and a few friends have had a LOT of success with weightwatchers, but I really don't think that will work for me. Too many choices. And when I am faced with a choice, I tend to make the wrong one? I mean, really, between salad and pizza, who really WANTS to choose salad? All those skinny bitches are just choosing it to be snooty. I'm set with that.

I'm doing slimfast shakes. A shake diet just really works better for me because of my busy lifestyle. If I have stuff to make shakes in my car all the time, I really don't have an excuse to eat something else. 6 days a week, this is  just what I'm going to do. It's super regimented, and will not last forever, but it will work for now. In the meantime, I'm also giving up drinking alcohol (helloooooo delicious cidery liquid calories), and we (my boyfriend and I) are going to start cooking more at home, and eating healthier. Because  if there's one thing I'm really sure of, it's that when you're dating someone, you need to be on the same page. And he's at a point where he wants to get in better shape too, so it should be easier for us to support each other, right?

Diet Day One: Going to the Carnival wasn't a smart idea.

 So I started yesterday. Yesterday was the first day of back to basics. And I did pretty well. There are a lot of manageable, easy things that help this transition. I drank way more than the recommended 8 8oz glasses of water, which kept me from feeling hungry all day. I stuck to the 3-2-1 plan pretty solidly too. the 3-2-1 is: three snacks, 2 shakes, 1 meal. More on that later. But yeah I didn't feel hungry all day. I did have a del's though. And a couple of bites of my boyfriend's doughboy at the carnival. Really, going to the carnival on day one of a diet may be the stupidest thing I have ever done. Any place that serves deep fried oreos probably isn't known for its healthy snack choices. 

Back to the Gym, Day One: Feel the burn!

Also, I went back to the gym yesterday. I did 40 minutes of cardio on the eliptical, and then 240 reps of leg excercises, 250 crunches, and 60 reps of arm excercises with weights. My friend Ian is actually a certified personal trainer, and he suggests that for toning/weight loss you need less weight, more reps. He recommends at LEAST once circuit of 12 reps of 10. That said, even when I worked out EVERY DAY I couldn't do 12 reps of 10 on my arms. I'm just kind of a weakling. But you do what you can, and really I managed to stick to my old routine pretty closely, with the exception of cutting 5 minutes off the end of my cardio. TIP: You really need to do at least 45 minutes of cardio focused on keeping your heart rate up for it to be beneficial. Then your body continues to burn at a higher rate for the rest of the day. So I was close. Today I will do it. End Result: I felt a little like death, but I hit the sauna afterwards and did some stretching in the heat, which really helps keep my muscles from completely freezing up and hurting. I am definitely going to be able to hit the gym again today. My friends who go to the gym: What do you do at the gym? How often do you go? I'm looking to change up my old routine. Also, I have unlimited free guest passes at my  gym if you want to work out, let me know! This sort of thing is always better with friends! 

The biggest challenge I'm facing is that my schedule is much more erratic than it was last year. There's something to be said for starting a diet and excercise regimen when you are single and hating your life. You can really just focus on work and working out and nothing else. Now my work schedule is all over the place so I can't necessarily always work out during the day, and I don't want to work out during too many nights, since I've got something worth going home to now. I do want to try to go to the gym at LEAST 5 days a week though, maybe 6. When do you work out? Morning? Night? 

So, to recap:

Day one 

Breakfast: Shake (10:30am)

Snack 1: Orange (11am)

Snack 2: Granola Bar (after the gym at 1:30pm)
Lunch: Grilled chicken and spinach, no dressing (2:45pm)
Del's Lemonade (4pm)
Dinner: Shake (5:15pm)
Snack 3: 3cups of smartpopcorn (5:30pm)

Plus: a daily multivitamin, a B12 supplement, and a shit ton of water. Approximately a shit ton.

Plus 2 hours at the gym. BOOM.

Now the real test will be if I post tomorrow. Let's all keep our collective fingers crossed, mmmkay?

 

063: boys, body image, and back to blogging (well, not really)

I know what you're thinking.

You haven't heard from me in a month. The last time this happened, I had fallen off the wagon with my eating/excercising routine, gained ten pounds, had an absolute anxiety attack, and ditched my coach. It was dark times. So you must be wondering, you handful of people who actually still read this "has she fallen off the wagon again?"

Nope! In the words of one of my elementary schoolers "Boombah!"
I have continued to lose weight pretty steadily, although its more like a pound or two a week. Sometimes I stay the same too. Someone said to me that it's important that I can look at that as success and be happy with it.

And I am. I really really am. I don't even have to "look at it as success", because it IS success. Every pound lost is a victory, and this is the healthy way to lose weight. Losing 7-10 pounds a week is not sustainable long term, and is really bad for you. Losing 1-2 lbs a week is good, and it's had great results I havent experienced with that more major weight loss. For instance, I'm starting to notice some awesome muscle definition in my abs and arms (halfway to a six pack, whaaaaat?) which is reassuring because I was really worried that that skin wouldn't snap back because I was losing weight too quickly and not gaining anymuscle. So I am happy. REally really happy.

I won't lie and say it's been easy, because especially with the change in routine as my schedule as moved back to school year split shifts, I am struggling, especially with the food schedule. But my coach has been AMAZING at keeping me on track, keeping up with me via text messages weekly,and giving me pep talks when I am struggling. It just re-affirms to me that I made the right choice in switching. Marie speaks my language and while I have definitely not stuck to the diet 100 percent, she encourages me to find healthy ways to maintain this as a LIFESTYLE, not some crazy fad diet that I'm going to do for 6 months and then go back to my old ways.

What has worked for me in the last month, really, has been keeping pretty strictly with my diet during the week, excercising when I can, and letting loose on the weekends. Work hard, play hard right?

I guess that's really why I haven't updated lately. I've been so busy enjoying my life that I forgot to tell everyone all about it. It seems to be a lot easier to write here when I NEED to, when things are bad and I need to put it all out there and see what bounces back in the way of advice and encouragement (which you are all amazing at), but when things are going good, well, I'm just a little too busy to share all the good news.

Aside from work changing, I have been making a concentrated effort to be better at getting together with friends. Typically after work/working out, I am so sleepy that my bed and a movie are really the only things I have any interest in. I'm also really trying to get back into music. The album has stalled, and that's okay. I really don't have the chutzpah to get it all in line with everything else going on right now. I am, however, playing out a lot more and writing a bunch. And there's something to be said for that.

Oh, and I've been dating.

That's what I really wanted to write about here, I suppose. Dating. Guys are an incredibly good motivator to staying on track with this whole weight loss thing, for a lot of reasons. I think the biggest is my Self-esteem. I have had pretty low self-esteem when it came to guys, for pretty much my whole life. Lots of rejection in high school led to lots of me dating the wrong guys as I got older- guys who didn't necessarily always treat me very well or who weren't what I needed- guys I hung onto for way too long because in the back of my mind, I thought it was at least better than being alone. Because maybe this was the best I could do, you know? I think I figured nobody would want me because I didn't see a person anyone would possibly find attractive. But now, I feel genuinely good about myself on the outside, which has sort of helped me feel better about all of the stuff on the inside too, you know? The outside is just a shell, but I needed a little more confidence in it if I was going to LET anybody see the rest.

And it wasn't just that. I think my body image kept me from talking to guys, but it also kept me from dressing up (which I love love love to do now), and gave me a pretty fair amount of anxiety about sleeping with someone. I wasn't anxious about sex, I was anxious about being naked. In front of another person. If you're not a size 0, I know you know what I mean. And it took me a long time to realize that EVERYONE is insecure about their bodies. I felt like it was just me struggling with this, and, being the neurotic ridiculous person that I was, I let it control my dating life. Trying to think of ways to sleep with a guy without him having to see you take your clothes off is EXHAUSTING. And the thought of a guy being turned off by the way you look when you're already in such a vulnerable position... well for the most part, in my llife, I just sort of stayed away from the whole thing until recently.

Not to say that I'm whoring it up with every guy I meet, but I feel  a lot better about the way I look in a dress.... or out of a dress, and it just takes a lot of the pressure off of dating. I feel like I can just be myself. I don't have anything to compensate for. I don't have anything to prove. So I have been out there a lot more, with mixed results. Went on a few dates with maybe the most awkward man on earth, went out with a filmmaker who I was really into but who never called me again (and rejection is a lot easier when you feel like it's not about the way you look, and you don't feel like the wya you look is so impossible to change that nobody will ever be interested).

Mostly I've just been figuring out what I want. And I think that definitely has to do with this new spot in my life too. My coach said it best when she was talking about her own dating life and said that a guy who sits on the couch and eats doritos all day just won't do. I think it would be way too easy to slip back into old habits that way. Like a recovered alcoholic dating someone with an unresolved drinking problem. I need someone who inspires and motivates me, and who I feel like I need to keep up with. In addition to all the other stuff I've learned that I need/want over the years, I feel like this is really really important. Just like I think people need to be at the same place with regards to maturity, intelligence, and lifestyle, I think their fitness level needs to be comparable too. And I'm finding that maybe that person is out there, and maybe isn't quite as impossible to find as I thought.

I guess I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still out here, still doing well, still working hard, and figuring it all out.  And even though I don't write all the time,and probably still won't,  I'm still thinking about you guys and hoping you're doing well, too.

062: Quickie blog

Hey all! So I'm going to make this one quick. I know I haven't blogged a lot this week, but I've been so busy! Summer is in full swing and I'm a happy camper. Pre-prepping meals has actually been a godsend since I usually only have 15 minutes to eat between work and something else.  But it's so worth it.

So when I stepped on the scale today, I found out I'm up 3 lbs from last week. But I am really okay with that, actually. Today is the first day of "that time of the month" and I know that I gain anywhere between 2 and 5 lbs during that time. It really sucks, being a girl. I am actually proudest of myself for not sweating these 3 lbs. I think it's because I know I've stayed on track this week, so there was nothing I could really do to help myself do better, honestly. So I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and next week will be different.

I hope you all are having a great week and staying healthy and getting out a lot in the sunshine! I WILL say there is a lot of stuff going on in my life that I will eventually blog about, but for now, I'm out! Have a lovely saturday!

061: On food hangovers and feeling crazy

Sorry for the hiatus, blogosphere! (Isn't that the word used to describe the blogging community? Blogosphere? It sounds silly. Try saying it out loud.) I've been so insaely busy this last week or so. My days start at aroung 6:30. Some days I am home for about 10 or 15 minutes to make a quick dinner and then it's back out til 11pm. Some nights I''m not home at all and it's a shake on the go or dinner at my office. So it's been 18 hour days for a few weeks now. Even this weekend, fun as it was to hang out with one of my absolute best friends in the best city in the world, was jam packed. I find myself constantly forgetting things because I have SO much on my plate.

So I'm busy and frazzled and run down. But it's more than that. Lately I'm crying all the time. I'm flying off the handle for ridiculous stuff. I feel awkward and out of sorts and unable to respond in standard social situations. I'm losing my hair, I am not sleeping well...

In short, I feel like I'm going batshit crazy.

And I haven't wanted to say anything because nobody wants to admit something like that. I mean, most people at one time or another will struggle with this sort of thing, but it always leaves a person feeling weak and unreliable. I don't like feeling that way.

Then I read a post on a friend's weight loss blog, and it sounded like she was going through the same thing, going through the motions and trying constantly to get herself out of this funk. And it got me thinking- when you're losing massive amounts of weight in a rapid fashion, is this normal?

So I did a little research, and guess what? It totally is.

Turns out that when you gain weight, you crave sugars and other carbs, and then when you go on a more low-carb diet, you are depriving your brain of seratonin (the brain chemical that makes you feel happy), which can lead to depression and mood swings.

In short, it all comes back to carbs. My arch nemesis. Damn you, carbs! (You can't see me but I am shaking my fist like william shatner right now.)

But I'm glad that it all makes sense now! I SHOULD be miserable and feel crazy right now. My brain chemicals are all kinds of messed up. The question is, what can you do about it? Carbs are not the answer- I accidentally left my herbalife shaker at home over my weekend vacation and went a little carb crazy- and paid for it afterwards, with a huge food hangover (food hangovers are what happens when your body feels awful after binging on deliciousness. If my digestive system could scream and curse at me, it would have.)

I found this article fabulously helpful :

Is your diet making you hangry? (Hungry and angry)

They suggest cutting back on calories and carbs more slowly, which I don't think is going to work for me, and that 45-65 percent of your diet should be carbs. So I'm going to go stock up on some whole grain crackers and whole wheat pasta. It also says I should be getting more omega 3 fatty acids, which are found in things like fish and walnuts (both of which I tend not to eat). I'm also going to try to work in more small amounts of dark chocolate into my diet.

This is all so complicated! How am I going to remember it all? Simple- it's time to buy a new planner, start making to do lists again (I made one for today and yesterday and monday and felt fabulously productive- does anyone else LOVE checking things off of a to-do list as much as I do?) And I'm going to try to do more brain excercising on the weekends- back to sudoku,, trivia, and crossword puzzles for this geek!

I feel good about all of this information and changes. I feel like,w ith anything, it's going to start slowly- all of this is not going to happen over night, but I am going to work at it and try to find that balance, you know? And I mean, if you had asked me if any of this, or any of the things I've done over the last 5 months were possible a year ago, year ago me would have laughed in your face. So I'm sure I can tackle this too.

Also- I have upped my workout regimen in a fun way- more about that tomorrow!

For now, this:

8/7/12
7:45am- herbalife shake and tea
11:15am- herbalife shake, a plum, and almonds
2:30pm- oikos strawberry yogurt
6:00pm- amy's pizza (DELICIOUS- best frozen pizza I've ever had- and organic/okay for you too!) and carrot sticks

060: Never the heroine, always the DUFF.

Hey out there! So first of all, let me deal with some housekeeping. On Thursday I stuck really closely to my diet. Yesterday I deviated a little more than I should have, considering it was the day before weigh in. I had 2 slices of pizza and a cupcake at a going away party (and they were carbalicious! Carbtastic! Carbnificent!) So I was a little apprehensive stepping on the scale this morning. But I still managed to lose 2 lbs this week. 2lbs is not only completely respectable, but it's my goal for weekly weight loss. Losing 10 lbs in a week every week is actually really not good for you. Not only is it not good for you, but your body can't ever really bounce back and stay tight that way. 2lbs is great. Perfect even.

Yesterday I auditioned for a play. I've done some theater before. I am really more of a singer than an actress, but I love musicals for that reason. A little background- I have only once played the leading lady. And that was in youth theater. And I played an old woman. In fact, I almost always either play an old woman, or a fat girl. I've been Jan in Grease, Mama in Bye Bye Birdie, Jacob Marley (in a clown suit actually designed to make me look fatter for laughs) in A Christmas Carol. Over time I have come to only audition for those roles, since I know that's all I'm going to get. Know thyself, right? But yesterday I felt good. I walked in with my head held high and asked to sing/read for the leading lady.

Auditions are always stressful, at least for me. This one was particularly stressful since some of the people there were particularly unfriendly. I wanted to grab one girl and be like "listen. We know you're talented. Get out of your own head and stop scowling at everyone, this is just for fun, honey. We all have day jobs." I don't understand how competitive people get about this stuff. Grown adults with lives outside of this. Come on, effing relax. We're all just here to have a good time.

Of course, there were 2 girls there that blew me out of the water, but hey, I was proud of myself for trying. And really, I figured I would just take any role. That is, of course, until the director asked me to sing for a specific part that is basically one big fat joke.

To say I was crushed is an understatement. I don't care about not being Nancy, but I'll be damned if after all this work I am going to get up on stage and have my size made fun of. I know it's just acting. I know it's just a character. But I'm not a professional actress, and those words still sting. This is regional theater. Nobody's getting paid, it should be fun. If I'm one big walking fat joke, I will not be enjoying myself. Not one bit.

After the auditions wrapped, I actually called the director, but he didn't pick up. I don't think I got the part of "the fat joke" either, since there was one lady, who, in my opinion, was hilarious and totally okay with making fun of herself, and should totally get the part. But if it is offered to me, I am goign to say no. I would literally rather not be in that show at all than be the chubby lovey dovey lady. I have, both on and off stage, been a fat joke for pretty much my whole life. And I will never, ever, be that again. Ever.

Anyway. End rant.

I am off to new york now. Nothing can cure the fat girl in musical theater blues like some best friend time in the big apple. And some jamba juice. Mmm.