049: You're sad and you're sorry but you're not ashamed

Greetings from off the wagon. Hell, greetings from off the road. I'm somewhere in the weeds. I can't even see the wagon, honestly.

So here's the thing. Sometimes I talk a big game. Sometimes I get overly confident.

So when I said I didn't need you, oh blog of mine, I was mostly just talking out of my (ginormous) ass.

Since the last time I wrote... I gained back 9 lbs.

At first I continued to do okay. Lost a little or maintained. Then in the last 3 or 4 weeks, I just stopped giving any sort of fuck about this. I was down to one shake a day, if that, and other than that I just ate whatever the hell I wanted (which generally speaking wasn't anything healthy. Ever)

It's summer. It's time for fun and being social. I am immensely stressed out about work and apartment stuff that still hasn't gotten fixed (for instance I am still not getting all my mail and I still do not have a working stove to cook anything). So I wanted to go out and have fun. And that usually means eating and drinking things that, to say the least, are not on the herbalife recommended diet.

And then I went on some dates. I was feeling so much more confident than I ever have felt when it came to guys. So all that built up shiny new confidence was kind of shattered when I got rejected by someone I actually thought I hit it off with. And what do I do when I'm depressed? I eat. Oh hey, token fat girl here.

And I blew off my meetings with my coach. Because I knew it wasn't going to be good. So when I finally went back to meet with Josh yesterday, I knew it wasn't going to be good. But I didn't think it would be 9 lbs  not good.

I mean, I do still do one shake a day! And I walk like 2 hours in this ridiculous new england heat and humidity every single day. 9 lbs really?

I think my coach figured the way to get me back on track would be to make me feel like crap about the situation. "Do you ever want to have a boyfriend?" "What about your singing career?" "You don't want to die young." "You have inspired SO many people, everyone is looking up to you".

But you know what? That just made me feel worse. It made me feel like, on top of disappointing myself, on top of all the shitty ramifications of me actually enjoying myself, I am disappointing everyone that reads this blog, everyone that knows me by what? By eating food?

Let me just say, when I was doing my best, and losing the most weight, I was happy in a sense. I loved seeing the pounds coming off, I loved fitting into smaller clothes. But my lifestyle was not something that I could really sustain forever. Very few people know how obsessive I was a few months ago. My roommate will tell you. I lived by measuring cups. I would count out vegan chips and carrot sticks and unsalted almonds to the EXACT serving size.  I didn't go out. At all. Because I knew if I did I would be tempted to eat like a normal human being.

I'm just so damn frustrated. I hate that some people can eat whatever they want and not encounter these problems. I hate salads. I hate that these herbalife shakes do NOT translate well in this heat and often make me feel super sick afterwards. I hate that the only way I can continue on this path seems to be starving myself and devoting so much energy to what I eat.

I hate that if I don't do that, despite how hard I worked before, I'm goign to gain EVERYTHING back in like 3 months and be right back where I was. I hate that the most of all. I hate that my life will never be what I considered to be normal again.

And I really just want to fucking quit. I want to not ever go back to a meeting with josh again. I want to say fuck it and walk away.

But I don't want to be fat forever either, you know? For those of you who have never been there, it's a really shitty situation to be in. And stressful. I left my meeting with josh and had a really solid 20 minute cry in my car.

And then, being stressed out and sad and frustrated and angry, what did I do? I effing ate. Of course.

I had 2 (count em, TWO) pear woodchuck ciders, and a delicious homemade pizza from the locals(where everyone should eat because they are AMAZING), and a really big chocolate chip cookie. And it was delightful. And I felt better, partly because of the food, but mostly because of the company, for sure.

And you know what? Part of me doesn't care. Maybe that's the problem. Part of me will not ever care. I will always want those things and it will always suck because I can't have them with the same frequency I want them. But part of me is in a panic right now about going back to the size I was. So I guess I'm regarding it as a farewell to the last month or so of bad habits.

I'm getting back on the wagon today. I'm re-starting everything. But to do that, I figured I need to re-start the way I was going before. I need to re-start this. Because this accountability was when I was doing my best. Because I don't know what else to do. So. It's back to blogging, if anybody out there still wants to read. I can't guarantee it will always be happy and uplifting, but I will be here again. Everyday.