009: "The doughnut moment"

I am determined to post in this every day for the next year. I think it keeps me accountable for my weight loss, and it's something to do. Some days I have trouble coming up with things to say.

Today is not one of those days.

I've been getting a lot of texts, calls, comments and emails about this blog. Yesterday I got an email from my friend Sarah, who is sort of in the same boat as me. She and her friend Erin also started a blog about their experience. You can read it online here: ( http://www.twenty40.wordpress.com ) I LOVE their blog. It's really great that they are working together to lose weight and improve their health. It makes me sort of long to be on a team like that, to have that support system, someone who understands what you're going through picking you up when you fall down. Then I remember I have all of you, cheering me on. And I don't feel so lonesome anymore.

Anyway.

Erin made a post that really resonated with me. She thanked sarah basically for talking her through a tough moment, which she described as a "doughnut moment". She was really stressed out and just really was craving a gooey sugary fried piece of doughy goodness. It happens to the best of us. But when you're not skinny, or you're trying to lose weight, you have to force yourself to ignore those cravings. And it absolutely sucks.

Right now I am immensely stressed out. I have a massive evaluation today at work (the kind of evaluation that will determine whether I get a promotion or a pink slip) I have a million things to do for my sister's bridal shower, and I have some major decisions and work to do if I'm ever going to get an album off the ground. Part of me wants to be zen and say it's all going to work out. But that has never been me, and it probably will not ever be me. I need to stress and obsess over every single tiny detail until I am a giant ball of nerves on the day of the event, and then collapse as soon as it's over. That's sort of how I tend to operate.

And good grief do I want a piece of pizza.
Or, you know, an entire pizza.

This is my doughnut moment. My ledge that I need to be talked off of. I have literally been dreaming of pizza for the last 2 days. Writing little odes to the cheesy, oily, doughy salty delightfulness while I'm chewing sugar free gum and drinking massive amounts of water convincing myself I am not hungry. And I'm probably not hungry, I'm just stressed. And I want one of my go-to comfort foods. What's tough for me is that I have never craved sweets. I don't have a sweet tooth at all. If I did, it would be easy. The shakes are like drinking sweet chocolate milkshakes. But no. I have always craved savory snacks, and those are pretty much no-nos.

As it was, I sort of had a day where I was feeling particularly fat and unproductive yesterday. I ate pretzels (granted, they were 100 calorie unsalted pretzels, but still- no nutritional value whatsoever) and didn't work out. I cleaned my apartment pretty thoroughly but other than that I just sort of lazed around, watching tv and reading. And while that used to be my daily routine, now it leaves me feeling disappointed in myself. Remorseful. And feeling sad makes me want to eat even more. It's just bad news all around.

In her blog, Erin got through her "doughnut moment" by going and buying a nice gym bag instead. I could do something like that, but I really shouldnt be spending money on anything not work/bridal shower/basic human needs related. I don't have the time to work out today, with this evaluation coming up. I'm pretty much going to be living at work. So, any suggestions as to how to push through this? I'm open to pretty much anything to get out of this little funk, folks. Because little doughnut moments like this can make or break this entire commitment.

Week 2: 252.5
Breakfast- herbalife shake w/protein powder in milk, green tea
Snack 1- 100 calorie unsalted popcorn
Lunch- grilled lemon pepper chicken, 1/4 cup whole wheat pasta, 1/8 cup pasta sauce (organic, low sodium), 1 cucumber, sliced, green tea, lemon water
Snack 2- 1 plum, 1 100 calorie bag of unsalted pretzels
Dinner- Herbalife shake with protein powder in water

Also: multivitamins, cell activators, 6 80z glasses of water, b12 supplement

Excercise: none