Today has been mostly status quo, folks. Stuck to my diet pretty religiously, and in lieu of the gym played kickball, ran relay races, jumped rope, and played knockout basketball for 2.5 hours. It feels so good to be able to keep up with my kids at work, and they have noticed. This little boy, Tyler, looked up at me during kickball and said "miss jen, you're fun!" I've known tyler for 3 years and he has never said that before. He also has never seemed so genuinely suprised in his life.
Tonight will be my pampering night for the week. Paint my nails, maybe put on a facial mask, typical girly stuff. Other than cheat day, it's something I genuinely look forward to every week! hah.
Also today, on the way home, I got to thinking about dudes. I have been trying, in this zen monastic state, not to think about men or dating at all lately. And I've been doing a pretty good job. But come on, I'm only human.
And I got to thinking about the guys I've met, pined for, dated or not dated in the last 5 or so years. Which made me wonder how many guys I've lost out on because of my size.
I mean, don't get me wrong, the inner feminist in me wants to scream that if a guy cares that much about dress size and can't love me for who I really am then fuck them, but still. Psychology states that all men are subconsciously attracted to a specific waist to hip ratio, because in their mind that means that a girl will be better at furthering their genetic line. They are biased against massively skinny skeletal girls as well.
Also, your mind subconsciously puts people into categories to make thinking easier. These categories are called schemas, and overweight people are considered less pleasant, less organized, less desirable in just about every way than skinny people. And of course that's not true, but come on. We all do it without thinking. I've even done it before.
I'm looking forward to gaining a little self confidence and getting back out there and testing this theory. Part of me worries that I will still strike out and then will have to face the scary reality that maybe all men are not shallow and that my singledom has nothing to do with my size, but rather some incurable personality flaw, but it will be another exciting adventure anyway.
I suppose that's it for today. My siser's wedding is getting closer and with it, the first pictures that will be taken of me since I started this whole thing. And after the wedding I will be foraying back into the social scene that I have missed so much, ready to say things like "no thanks, I'm not hungry" and "I'll just be having water tonight".
It's going to be interesting, to say the least!
And for those of you keeping track... my chicken didn't thaw in time, so today's food alotment was pretty much exactly the same as yesterdays.
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
028: Not as hard as it looked?
Did you think I forgot to post?
Never! My schedule is, as I've said before, just a little wacko this week.
However, day one is done, I'm showered, I've got a salad, and in approximately 18 minutes I will get to enjoy How I Met Your Mother which is something I usually have to hulu because I miss it working til 9, and you know what?
It wasn't that bad.
Before you ask, I didn't go to the gym today. However, I did spend an hour walking to and from Cold spring park with the kids from my daycare, and spent my time there running around and playing catch. My legs hurt, so I must have gotten a great workout!
And I think that sticking to my diet will be a lot easier this week, since i ate a burger and fries and a slice of birthday cake at my dad's birthday party last night. I didn't even finish HALF of my dinner, and had like 3 bites of dessert. (which, a month ago, would have been super weird) and was violently ill. I haven't really eaten like that to that extent all month. My body reacted angrily, and I still feel a bit sickish. It's like my stomach is shrinking. And becoming more intolerant of crap food. What's more, I'm actually craving the healthy stuff. Whoda thunk? Today I came home jonesing for a nice... salad?
Who craves salad?
Am I losing my mind?
If I am, I kind of like it.
Hopefully the rest of this week will be this effortless. I have a feeling it won't be, but a girl can dream, right?
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5: 237lbs
Breakfast: Oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake
Dinner: garden salad and 150 calorie pizza
Snack one: 1 granola square and 1 plum
Snack 2: 1 peach, and 1 rice cake
And 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 6 8oz glasses of water
Never! My schedule is, as I've said before, just a little wacko this week.
However, day one is done, I'm showered, I've got a salad, and in approximately 18 minutes I will get to enjoy How I Met Your Mother which is something I usually have to hulu because I miss it working til 9, and you know what?
It wasn't that bad.
Before you ask, I didn't go to the gym today. However, I did spend an hour walking to and from Cold spring park with the kids from my daycare, and spent my time there running around and playing catch. My legs hurt, so I must have gotten a great workout!
And I think that sticking to my diet will be a lot easier this week, since i ate a burger and fries and a slice of birthday cake at my dad's birthday party last night. I didn't even finish HALF of my dinner, and had like 3 bites of dessert. (which, a month ago, would have been super weird) and was violently ill. I haven't really eaten like that to that extent all month. My body reacted angrily, and I still feel a bit sickish. It's like my stomach is shrinking. And becoming more intolerant of crap food. What's more, I'm actually craving the healthy stuff. Whoda thunk? Today I came home jonesing for a nice... salad?
Who craves salad?
Am I losing my mind?
If I am, I kind of like it.
Hopefully the rest of this week will be this effortless. I have a feeling it won't be, but a girl can dream, right?
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5: 237lbs
Breakfast: Oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake
Dinner: garden salad and 150 calorie pizza
Snack one: 1 granola square and 1 plum
Snack 2: 1 peach, and 1 rice cake
And 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 6 8oz glasses of water
Sunday, April 15, 2012
027: If you want results, you've gotta do the work.
Weigh and measure time, kids!
So, as I expected, I didn't lose as much as I've lost in the last 3 weeks. However, I was just hoping to maintain and not gain. I am pleased to report that I lost 3 pounds! Also, which is both perplexing and amazing, I lost another 7.4 inches off my body. That brings the total to 23 pounds and 20.4 inches lost so far. Which is pretty good for a month, if you ask me. :) Especially when you consider that my goal was to lose 10 lbs a month, and I more than doubled that this month. You can't lose 7 pounds every week. Eventually, your body will need time to catch up.
Today Josh also asked if I would be interested in someday becoming a coach today at our meeting. I am definitely thinking about it. I don't think I know even close to enough to help someone lose weight yet, but hopefully, by the time I am 97 lbs skinnier, I will. I am learning something new every single day, so it is entirely possible.
One thing I WOULD like to learn (and again I'm going to reach out to all of you who might be reading this) is what the EFF to do to lose the paunch around my lower abs. I am watching everything else literally melt away, and this annoying like pocket of fat is just there to stay. I do upwards of 500 crunches daily. There's gotta be a six pack under there somewhere, but how do I get rid of the stuff on top? I am open to suggestions!
Yesterday night I went dress shopping with my mom. I'm officially down a dress size and then some. I got the cutest dress and sweater to wear to the bridal shower next weekend. Then I went to the carnival at the end of our street with my roommate. I spent all my money on games (rides were already closed down) and did not buy a single slushie or fried oreo. And I was pretty proud of that.
Today I get to hang out with the best little sister ever, and then go and celebrate my dad's birthday. Then starts the hellatious week from hell. Wish me luck, and expect tired/cranky entries to follow. For that, I am sorry!
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5!!! 237 lbs
Breakfast: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Snack 1: 100 calorie bag of popcorn
Snack 2: 1 rice cake/1 plum
Dinner: 1 bowl of cheerios in 1 cup skim milk, 1 peach
Also 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 4 80z glasses of water (I am all out of green tea!)
So, as I expected, I didn't lose as much as I've lost in the last 3 weeks. However, I was just hoping to maintain and not gain. I am pleased to report that I lost 3 pounds! Also, which is both perplexing and amazing, I lost another 7.4 inches off my body. That brings the total to 23 pounds and 20.4 inches lost so far. Which is pretty good for a month, if you ask me. :) Especially when you consider that my goal was to lose 10 lbs a month, and I more than doubled that this month. You can't lose 7 pounds every week. Eventually, your body will need time to catch up.
Today Josh also asked if I would be interested in someday becoming a coach today at our meeting. I am definitely thinking about it. I don't think I know even close to enough to help someone lose weight yet, but hopefully, by the time I am 97 lbs skinnier, I will. I am learning something new every single day, so it is entirely possible.
One thing I WOULD like to learn (and again I'm going to reach out to all of you who might be reading this) is what the EFF to do to lose the paunch around my lower abs. I am watching everything else literally melt away, and this annoying like pocket of fat is just there to stay. I do upwards of 500 crunches daily. There's gotta be a six pack under there somewhere, but how do I get rid of the stuff on top? I am open to suggestions!
Yesterday night I went dress shopping with my mom. I'm officially down a dress size and then some. I got the cutest dress and sweater to wear to the bridal shower next weekend. Then I went to the carnival at the end of our street with my roommate. I spent all my money on games (rides were already closed down) and did not buy a single slushie or fried oreo. And I was pretty proud of that.
Today I get to hang out with the best little sister ever, and then go and celebrate my dad's birthday. Then starts the hellatious week from hell. Wish me luck, and expect tired/cranky entries to follow. For that, I am sorry!
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5!!! 237 lbs
Breakfast: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Snack 1: 100 calorie bag of popcorn
Snack 2: 1 rice cake/1 plum
Dinner: 1 bowl of cheerios in 1 cup skim milk, 1 peach
Also 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 4 80z glasses of water (I am all out of green tea!)
Thursday, April 12, 2012
025: popped chips and workouts and 12 hour days, oh my
So yesterday, I went home, fully intent on curling up with my cat (Lily), and watching re-runs of "How I met Your Mother", maybe taking a nap, maybe tooling around on facebook for a bit, and mostly wallowing in the fact that I felt crappy and was missing yet another day of working out.
Then, something happened. I had texted my herbalife coach, Josh, to place my order for next month. He texted me to see how it was going (apparently he does not read this blog). I texted back that this week had been really rough and I was doing my best to hang in there. He replied:
"You have already done really great so far. Every day is a new day."
And that is when I said to myself, "Self!"
I actually said it out loud. My cat was alarmed. I decided then and there that today was, in fact, a new day. So I changed, and headed out to the gym. I figured even if I only did half of my normal routine, which is about 45 minutes of intense cardio and 45 minutes of weights/resistance training, then it would be better than nothing. I did 30 minutes cardio and 30 minutes weights/resistance.
Boy oh boy did that suck.
Whoever says that working out reduces menstrual cramping is a LIAR. My middle school gym teacher used to tell me that. I will tell anyone who has not tried it before that this is a LIE. A lie that was probably made up by some crazy fitness junkie who trained so much that they had maybe .2% body fat and couldn't actually get their period anymore. Working out yesterday was a sweaty, gross, achy feeling that I pretty much hated from start to finish.
But I did it.
I was also thinking about next week. With my ridiculous 12 hour/11 hour day schedule, do you think I should just try try again at working out at night after working 12 hours (I've tried this before and I'm always exhausted and unable to really push myself to do enough of a workout) OR
And bare with me here.
Do I get up at 4am and work out before work, and THEN work 12 hours, at which point I promptly pass out for 10 hours and do it all over again? Both of these scenarios have their pros and cons. I will have more energy at 4am than at 7pm. The gym will be less crowded at 4am. But waking up that early could fuck up my sleep cycle even more than it already is. And I hate hate hate mornings. So I'm open to suggestions. How do I get my workouts in even with this insane-o work schedule? I should also point out that it's pretty important to figure this out now, since this 12 hour schedule will be my schedule all summer. Oy vey.
Oh! And I also found these really great vegan "popped" chips to snack on. They are healthier than regular chips or crackers, and they have that crunchy salty taste I crave all the time. I was pretty souped.
Week 4: 240lbs
Breakfast: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein in water
Lunch: 1cup cheerios in 1/2 cup skim milk, 1 peach
Snack 1: 1 serving of popchips
Snack 2: A plum
Dinner: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein in water
Also! 3 multivitamins, 2 green teas, 2 cell activators, and 8 80z glasses of water! (Finally drank enough water!)
Then, something happened. I had texted my herbalife coach, Josh, to place my order for next month. He texted me to see how it was going (apparently he does not read this blog). I texted back that this week had been really rough and I was doing my best to hang in there. He replied:
"You have already done really great so far. Every day is a new day."
And that is when I said to myself, "Self!"
I actually said it out loud. My cat was alarmed. I decided then and there that today was, in fact, a new day. So I changed, and headed out to the gym. I figured even if I only did half of my normal routine, which is about 45 minutes of intense cardio and 45 minutes of weights/resistance training, then it would be better than nothing. I did 30 minutes cardio and 30 minutes weights/resistance.
Boy oh boy did that suck.
Whoever says that working out reduces menstrual cramping is a LIAR. My middle school gym teacher used to tell me that. I will tell anyone who has not tried it before that this is a LIE. A lie that was probably made up by some crazy fitness junkie who trained so much that they had maybe .2% body fat and couldn't actually get their period anymore. Working out yesterday was a sweaty, gross, achy feeling that I pretty much hated from start to finish.
But I did it.
I was also thinking about next week. With my ridiculous 12 hour/11 hour day schedule, do you think I should just try try again at working out at night after working 12 hours (I've tried this before and I'm always exhausted and unable to really push myself to do enough of a workout) OR
And bare with me here.
Do I get up at 4am and work out before work, and THEN work 12 hours, at which point I promptly pass out for 10 hours and do it all over again? Both of these scenarios have their pros and cons. I will have more energy at 4am than at 7pm. The gym will be less crowded at 4am. But waking up that early could fuck up my sleep cycle even more than it already is. And I hate hate hate mornings. So I'm open to suggestions. How do I get my workouts in even with this insane-o work schedule? I should also point out that it's pretty important to figure this out now, since this 12 hour schedule will be my schedule all summer. Oy vey.
Oh! And I also found these really great vegan "popped" chips to snack on. They are healthier than regular chips or crackers, and they have that crunchy salty taste I crave all the time. I was pretty souped.
Week 4: 240lbs
Breakfast: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein in water
Lunch: 1cup cheerios in 1/2 cup skim milk, 1 peach
Snack 1: 1 serving of popchips
Snack 2: A plum
Dinner: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein in water
Also! 3 multivitamins, 2 green teas, 2 cell activators, and 8 80z glasses of water! (Finally drank enough water!)
024: Love is all you need.
So. I was originally going to post a really cranky blog today about sizeism and how it's unfair that it's easier for guys to lose weight because their reproductive hormones don't mess with their metabolism and they aren't crippled with body rocking cramps 2 days a month that renders them physically incapable of working out.
But then a funny thing happened.
I've been getting all this love from my readers, and it just made me not so cranky anymore. It's really hard to be cranky when you are getting such positive support from people!
I saved that size-ist cranky ass blog, and will totally post it later, as I think size-ism and weight-ism are genuine forms of bigotry that need to be stopped, but for now, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the facebook comments, notes, and the notes here on the blog. It's very cool that you guys are getting something out of it.
And, I'll be honest, a little scary. It sort of makes me realize how many people will notice if I fuck this up. Which I really hope is something I'm not going to do. It gives me that much more accountability and turns up the pressure a little. (Granted that this is more pressure that I am putting on myself than anything else) but still.
I think it's a good thing. This week has felt a little make or break. I am kind of dreading weigh in on Sunday. I know the gym is going to be a problem all week long. And next week too, since I'm working 11 hour days (6:30am-5:30pm). I'm just going to have to stick to the diet really closely and hope for the best. By the best I mean I just hope I didn't gain any weight this week. I almost expect not to lose. I havent worked out. I've cheated. I'm hoping I don't feel abismal soon so I can get back into the swing of things, but it may not be enough time before my weigh in. I'm really trying to stay positive though. I mean, I can't expect to lose 7 pounds every single week. That would be nuts. That would be 120lbs in less than 6 months. My body would not be pleased.
Oh and speaking of that diet, thanks for all the great recipes you guys keep sending! That is maybe my favorite part of this adventure is learning to cook and trying new things. I am literally re-teaching myself how to eat, so it's been really cool to get some suggestions to try out. My friend sarah (of the 20/40 project ) and I are having a healthy foods and board games night coming up soon. I am definitely making my superfit 150 calorie pizza, and I think I'm going to try some of your other recipes too. Keep them coming!
Big things next week. Bridesmaid dress fitting on monday. Zumba on saturday and monday. And maybe going with my friend who belongs to OA to a meeting, just to see what it's like. I feel a little silly going to overeater's anonymous, but he was really adamant about me seeing what it's all about. I'm not saying people cannot be addicted to food, I'm just saying that it feels like such a ridiculous thing to be addicted to. Embarassing, maybe, to think that I could be one of those people. But hey, I am in a phase of my life where I will try anything once, right?
For those of you keeping score, I'mg etting back on the daily menus, so here goes:
Week 4: 240lbs (-20lbs)
Breakfast: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein powder
Lunch: 150 calorie whole wheat pizza, spinach/romaine/cucumber salad
Snack1: peach
Snack 2: 100 calorie smart pop popcorn
Dinner: herbalife cookies n cream shake (no protein powder)
Also 2 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 green tea, and some water.
I really need to get back into the habit of drinking more water.
But then a funny thing happened.
I've been getting all this love from my readers, and it just made me not so cranky anymore. It's really hard to be cranky when you are getting such positive support from people!
I saved that size-ist cranky ass blog, and will totally post it later, as I think size-ism and weight-ism are genuine forms of bigotry that need to be stopped, but for now, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the facebook comments, notes, and the notes here on the blog. It's very cool that you guys are getting something out of it.
And, I'll be honest, a little scary. It sort of makes me realize how many people will notice if I fuck this up. Which I really hope is something I'm not going to do. It gives me that much more accountability and turns up the pressure a little. (Granted that this is more pressure that I am putting on myself than anything else) but still.
I think it's a good thing. This week has felt a little make or break. I am kind of dreading weigh in on Sunday. I know the gym is going to be a problem all week long. And next week too, since I'm working 11 hour days (6:30am-5:30pm). I'm just going to have to stick to the diet really closely and hope for the best. By the best I mean I just hope I didn't gain any weight this week. I almost expect not to lose. I havent worked out. I've cheated. I'm hoping I don't feel abismal soon so I can get back into the swing of things, but it may not be enough time before my weigh in. I'm really trying to stay positive though. I mean, I can't expect to lose 7 pounds every single week. That would be nuts. That would be 120lbs in less than 6 months. My body would not be pleased.
Oh and speaking of that diet, thanks for all the great recipes you guys keep sending! That is maybe my favorite part of this adventure is learning to cook and trying new things. I am literally re-teaching myself how to eat, so it's been really cool to get some suggestions to try out. My friend sarah (of the 20/40 project ) and I are having a healthy foods and board games night coming up soon. I am definitely making my superfit 150 calorie pizza, and I think I'm going to try some of your other recipes too. Keep them coming!
Big things next week. Bridesmaid dress fitting on monday. Zumba on saturday and monday. And maybe going with my friend who belongs to OA to a meeting, just to see what it's like. I feel a little silly going to overeater's anonymous, but he was really adamant about me seeing what it's all about. I'm not saying people cannot be addicted to food, I'm just saying that it feels like such a ridiculous thing to be addicted to. Embarassing, maybe, to think that I could be one of those people. But hey, I am in a phase of my life where I will try anything once, right?
For those of you keeping score, I'mg etting back on the daily menus, so here goes:
Week 4: 240lbs (-20lbs)
Breakfast: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein powder
Lunch: 150 calorie whole wheat pizza, spinach/romaine/cucumber salad
Snack1: peach
Snack 2: 100 calorie smart pop popcorn
Dinner: herbalife cookies n cream shake (no protein powder)
Also 2 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 green tea, and some water.
I really need to get back into the habit of drinking more water.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
023: Please don't confront me with my failures... I had not forgotten them.
So. Yesterday I went on facebook. And I've decided to stay on facebook. I feel like I have enough going on now where I'm not going to spend all my time on it. I had my reasons for signing on and that's all there is to it. Sure it's 6 days early, but whatever.
What was really amazing to me was some of the reactions I got. The disappointment. The negativity. It was kind of ridiculous. Let me just be clear that the whole facebook challenge was just a sidebar to a much bigger adventure that I have put myself on. If I am on facebook a week early and still eating healthy and working out and losing weight, then that is what is really important, right?
This week has sucked. Especially last night. Iw as already feeling really down. Having trouble thinking positively. There are just days where it catches up with you. Days where you feel like nothing is ever really going to change. Because it never has before.
Some of you will never know how hard this is. To deal with an addiction you can never fully be rid of. To struggle with something that, either way, makes you feel insecure and vulnerable, and frustrated. To feel trapped in your own body and feel like a failure every time you slip up on a diet and excercise regimen that I am 99 percent sure that most "normal" women couldn't keep up with if they tried. Rest assured, I do not need your negativity or your admonishment. I am harder on myself than you could ever be on me.
Some friends will kick you when you're down. But real friends pick you up when you fall.
As for today, I am going to pour all of this frustration, and all of your negativity and my own into kicking my own butt at the gym. Time to get back on track.
What was really amazing to me was some of the reactions I got. The disappointment. The negativity. It was kind of ridiculous. Let me just be clear that the whole facebook challenge was just a sidebar to a much bigger adventure that I have put myself on. If I am on facebook a week early and still eating healthy and working out and losing weight, then that is what is really important, right?
This week has sucked. Especially last night. Iw as already feeling really down. Having trouble thinking positively. There are just days where it catches up with you. Days where you feel like nothing is ever really going to change. Because it never has before.
Some of you will never know how hard this is. To deal with an addiction you can never fully be rid of. To struggle with something that, either way, makes you feel insecure and vulnerable, and frustrated. To feel trapped in your own body and feel like a failure every time you slip up on a diet and excercise regimen that I am 99 percent sure that most "normal" women couldn't keep up with if they tried. Rest assured, I do not need your negativity or your admonishment. I am harder on myself than you could ever be on me.
Some friends will kick you when you're down. But real friends pick you up when you fall.
As for today, I am going to pour all of this frustration, and all of your negativity and my own into kicking my own butt at the gym. Time to get back on track.
Friday, April 6, 2012
018: A scary moment.
So yesterday I hit the gym hard. With all my might. I'm talking 9 minute miles on the elliptical for an hour, then 120 reps of just about everything (except crunches, which I did 500 of). I left the gym feeling like I had found the solution to my plateau- just. push. harder. I felt diesel! I felt invincible!
And sweaty. I also felt very very sweaty.
So I went home and hit the showers. That's when things got a little scary. I stooped over to pick up my shapoo/conditioner and all of a sudden the whole room was spinning. The vision at my periphery got really fuzzy and seemed to shake. Then started to go black. I sat down at the bottom of the shower and in a few moments I was fine. Except I also felt really nauseated. So I hurriedly finished my shower and then went and drank a lot of water, and made my lunch shake.
It was the only thing I'd had to eat and drink since my breakfast shake. And maybe this is my body telling me this is too much. But if so, that's not fair. This should be enough. And to make matters worse, I weighed myself yesterday and I have only lost a pound this week. 1 stupid. measly. stinking. pound. What the eff is that, body? I have been following this diet and excercise plan so strictly. I have been literally working my ass off and making myself fairly miserable in the process. It's only fair for all that work I'm putting in that this should work, right?
Anyway. Thanks again to everybody for reading! Your suggestions were great ones. I think I am going to try Sara P's couch to 5k program. I wanted to do a 5k in June anyway, since my organization is having one. So that should work out perfectly.
And sweaty. I also felt very very sweaty.
So I went home and hit the showers. That's when things got a little scary. I stooped over to pick up my shapoo/conditioner and all of a sudden the whole room was spinning. The vision at my periphery got really fuzzy and seemed to shake. Then started to go black. I sat down at the bottom of the shower and in a few moments I was fine. Except I also felt really nauseated. So I hurriedly finished my shower and then went and drank a lot of water, and made my lunch shake.
It was the only thing I'd had to eat and drink since my breakfast shake. And maybe this is my body telling me this is too much. But if so, that's not fair. This should be enough. And to make matters worse, I weighed myself yesterday and I have only lost a pound this week. 1 stupid. measly. stinking. pound. What the eff is that, body? I have been following this diet and excercise plan so strictly. I have been literally working my ass off and making myself fairly miserable in the process. It's only fair for all that work I'm putting in that this should work, right?
Anyway. Thanks again to everybody for reading! Your suggestions were great ones. I think I am going to try Sara P's couch to 5k program. I wanted to do a 5k in June anyway, since my organization is having one. So that should work out perfectly.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
017: Buying a belt, and other things.
Hey there folks!
So, I picked up some new herbalife formula one yesterday. Cookies n cream. I have to admit, it's pretty tasty. I am looking forward to blending it with some chocolate protein today and seeing how that works.
Also, since Sunday is easter, I have to weigh in on Saturday. Which, I will admit, I am a little upset about. That gives me one less day to work out and bring my weight/inches down before I have to weigh and measure. However, that does mean I can indulge in a little saturday night fellini's run. Their pizza is my favorite, and their crust is whole wheat so it's not even really all that bad.
My clothes are starting to not fit me anymore. I'm pretty excited about that. I am going to go try on some clothes and see if I fit into a smaller pants size this weekend. I have a feeling that I am in between sizes right now, so I might just need to buy some belts.
Its funny- I wonder how much weight/inches a person has to lose (or gain, for that matter) to change clothing sizes. There has to be some sort of universal measurement for stuff like that.
Yesterday was a big test for me. It was the end of the month "homework party" at work. What that means is that kids who have done their homework every day or done some sort of education enrichment or free reading every day get to come into my office and have a special snack and watch a movie. Yesterday was The muppets (which I absolutely effing love. And saw twice in the theater) and build your own ice cream sundaes.
I am proud to admit that in a sea of chocolate strawberry and whipped cream, I didn't have a bite. And really, I didn't even want to that badly. It was a pretty good feeling. I am starting to feel way more in control of my cravings, which is great, because that makes me feel like I am in control of my body, you know? For a long time my eating habits were absolutely out of control, and I didn't even realize it. It became pretty clear to me when I was talking to my friend Nick about it over tea yesterday.
I mentioned that I had been getting fast food twice a day. His eyes bugged out and he gasped at me "twice a day?!"
Yeah. I dunno, I think subconsciously I knew it was wrong, since I went to pretty great lengths to hide just how bad my eating habits were from the world. I would purposely drive out of the way to fast food places where I hadn't been in a while so that even the drive through workers wouldn't notice how often I had been there. It's kind of insane, I know. But the whole thing was kind of insane. It feels good to feel like I am done with that chapter of my life.
Anyway- for those of you keeping score, my meals have all been kind of teh same since cheat day. Two shakes, a bowl of cereal, some fruit and some unsalted almonds. Some people don't like a really mundane eating routine, but I kind of do. Plus, it makes meal planning easier. So whatever.
So, I picked up some new herbalife formula one yesterday. Cookies n cream. I have to admit, it's pretty tasty. I am looking forward to blending it with some chocolate protein today and seeing how that works.
Also, since Sunday is easter, I have to weigh in on Saturday. Which, I will admit, I am a little upset about. That gives me one less day to work out and bring my weight/inches down before I have to weigh and measure. However, that does mean I can indulge in a little saturday night fellini's run. Their pizza is my favorite, and their crust is whole wheat so it's not even really all that bad.
My clothes are starting to not fit me anymore. I'm pretty excited about that. I am going to go try on some clothes and see if I fit into a smaller pants size this weekend. I have a feeling that I am in between sizes right now, so I might just need to buy some belts.
Its funny- I wonder how much weight/inches a person has to lose (or gain, for that matter) to change clothing sizes. There has to be some sort of universal measurement for stuff like that.
Yesterday was a big test for me. It was the end of the month "homework party" at work. What that means is that kids who have done their homework every day or done some sort of education enrichment or free reading every day get to come into my office and have a special snack and watch a movie. Yesterday was The muppets (which I absolutely effing love. And saw twice in the theater) and build your own ice cream sundaes.
I am proud to admit that in a sea of chocolate strawberry and whipped cream, I didn't have a bite. And really, I didn't even want to that badly. It was a pretty good feeling. I am starting to feel way more in control of my cravings, which is great, because that makes me feel like I am in control of my body, you know? For a long time my eating habits were absolutely out of control, and I didn't even realize it. It became pretty clear to me when I was talking to my friend Nick about it over tea yesterday.
I mentioned that I had been getting fast food twice a day. His eyes bugged out and he gasped at me "twice a day?!"
Yeah. I dunno, I think subconsciously I knew it was wrong, since I went to pretty great lengths to hide just how bad my eating habits were from the world. I would purposely drive out of the way to fast food places where I hadn't been in a while so that even the drive through workers wouldn't notice how often I had been there. It's kind of insane, I know. But the whole thing was kind of insane. It feels good to feel like I am done with that chapter of my life.
Anyway- for those of you keeping score, my meals have all been kind of teh same since cheat day. Two shakes, a bowl of cereal, some fruit and some unsalted almonds. Some people don't like a really mundane eating routine, but I kind of do. Plus, it makes meal planning easier. So whatever.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
016: Wtf, tell me I look skinnier!
Okay out there. It has been almost three weeks. I am getting to the point where my pants dont fit me anymore and my tops/sweaters are comfortable and way way less snug. I feel great, and I can definitely see the difference in my body.
However, I don't think anyone else can?
Of course, I give people who see me on a regular basis the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it's hard to see weight loss day to day in people, and my weight, of course, must fluxuate daily.
However, today I met a friend of mine for coffee. (Well, he had coffee, I had green tea with lemon). We sat and talked for about an hour and a half. I told him about this diet and workout regimen I've been putting so much effort into. It was great to see him but, inwardly, I felt a little disappointed.
I haven't seen this friend in three months. And, I don't know, maybe it's unrealistic at this stage of the game to say so, but I sort of felt like I was expecting a little bit of a wow, you know? Which raises a question- how long before people start noticing? And am I just noticing the changes in myself as a way of wishful thinking or whatever?
My ex-roommate chris told me a few months ago that women don't like being asked/told that they lost weight, or that they look thinner. I think Chris is probably on crack, or else the women he is referring to are. Let me tell you something guys out there: every woman, regardless of what level of fitness she is, does not mind being told they look thinner or asked if they lost weight. It is definitely not a bad thing to hear. Ever.
Anyway, I am not going to let it rattle me. After cheat day I am back on track and ready to find some new ways to work out, since hopefully that will sculpt and tone me even more. I am thinking about taking Zumba at my gym (I used to take it in new york in 08 and I loved it), and maybe try yoga or a power sculpting or kickboxing class. I am a little nervous since part of me thinks I will totallly make an ass of myself in front of a whole bunch of fitties, especially if I pass out or puke or something, which, depending on the intensity of the class, is entirely possible, but I definitely feel like I need to try something more, you know? Something drastic to speed things along a little. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to do anything potentially harmful, and I know I will get there eventually. Still though. I want that wow factor, and I want it now.
I've never really been a patient person.
However, I don't think anyone else can?
Of course, I give people who see me on a regular basis the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it's hard to see weight loss day to day in people, and my weight, of course, must fluxuate daily.
However, today I met a friend of mine for coffee. (Well, he had coffee, I had green tea with lemon). We sat and talked for about an hour and a half. I told him about this diet and workout regimen I've been putting so much effort into. It was great to see him but, inwardly, I felt a little disappointed.
I haven't seen this friend in three months. And, I don't know, maybe it's unrealistic at this stage of the game to say so, but I sort of felt like I was expecting a little bit of a wow, you know? Which raises a question- how long before people start noticing? And am I just noticing the changes in myself as a way of wishful thinking or whatever?
My ex-roommate chris told me a few months ago that women don't like being asked/told that they lost weight, or that they look thinner. I think Chris is probably on crack, or else the women he is referring to are. Let me tell you something guys out there: every woman, regardless of what level of fitness she is, does not mind being told they look thinner or asked if they lost weight. It is definitely not a bad thing to hear. Ever.
Anyway, I am not going to let it rattle me. After cheat day I am back on track and ready to find some new ways to work out, since hopefully that will sculpt and tone me even more. I am thinking about taking Zumba at my gym (I used to take it in new york in 08 and I loved it), and maybe try yoga or a power sculpting or kickboxing class. I am a little nervous since part of me thinks I will totallly make an ass of myself in front of a whole bunch of fitties, especially if I pass out or puke or something, which, depending on the intensity of the class, is entirely possible, but I definitely feel like I need to try something more, you know? Something drastic to speed things along a little. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to do anything potentially harmful, and I know I will get there eventually. Still though. I want that wow factor, and I want it now.
I've never really been a patient person.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
015: More observations from workout world (brought to you by sleep depravation)
So today, for the first time in a long time, I am exhausted. I dont think that cheat day has much to do with it. I think it has a lot more to do with the fact that my next door neighbor (who everyone is afraid of because she is batshit crazy and probably a meth addict) has convinced our landlord (who is probably terrified to say no) that she can renovate the 3rd floor of the building where we live into her own private penthouse.
So that means there is hammering, drilling, furniture moving, loud music, and drunken stumbling around until like 5 am. With no insulation in the walls. Awesome.
I am mentioning this more as a disclaimer about the crankiness of these gym observations. I still dragged my butt to the gym today (mostly because I wonn't have time on Wednesday OR Friday to work out), and maybe it was the sleep depravation, but the girls in the girls only area of the gym seemed about 1000 times more annoying than usual. So without further ado:
So that means there is hammering, drilling, furniture moving, loud music, and drunken stumbling around until like 5 am. With no insulation in the walls. Awesome.
I am mentioning this more as a disclaimer about the crankiness of these gym observations. I still dragged my butt to the gym today (mostly because I wonn't have time on Wednesday OR Friday to work out), and maybe it was the sleep depravation, but the girls in the girls only area of the gym seemed about 1000 times more annoying than usual. So without further ado:
Letters to the ladies at the gym!
Letter one: The Woo Girl
Dear Woo Girl,
I was unfortunate enough to be jogging on the treadmill next to yours this morning. My luck was further accosted when I had to use the elliptical machine on the other side of you. Why is this a problem, you ask? Well, for starters, every two minutes you would let out a WOOP! of joy and fist pump the air with such volume and intensity that the first two times it happened you startled me to the point where I nearly face planted and fell off the treadmill. Thanks for that.
There is no doubt in my mind that you are thoroughly enjoying your workout. And that's great for you. Don't let me stop you. In fact, judging by how happily you were celebrating every 2 minutes on the treadmill, you probably don't get out much. Outrunning some chubby ladies in the girls gym might just be the highlight of your day or week. And I don't want to take that away from you. I really don't.
However. Imagine that you are working in your office or studio or whereverthefuck it is you work, or doing something else that requires a lot of concentration on your part. Let's say you're building a card house. If I stood 6 inches away from you and WOOPed like an exotic bird every so often, you'd have to start over a lot. It would break your concentration and you would fuck up. Some of us, who have lives, don't get to go to the gym every day so working out, really working out takes taht same concentration. So do us all a favor and kindly keep the fucking woops to your fucking self. Thanks.
Letter 2: Aerobic Spice Girls
Dear Aerobic Spice Girls,
I think it's lovely that you all work out together. Really, I do. In fact, I wish I had 5 friends that would pay a gym membership and clear their schedule to work out with me. So maybe I'm a little jealous, as I sit alone on this crunch machine, but I think it's something else.
I saw TWO of you work out in the girls gym today. TWO. The rest of you sat around on the equipment and watched the women walk out of the gym- and then talked shit about them. That girl's sweatpants are sooooo walmart specials, becky. Tattoos much? And that's not all. comments about their bodies, their hair. Not nice ones, either. You think nobody can hear you? I've got news for you, it's a fucing ECHO chamber in here.
It's really nice that you can waste your time sitting here doing nothing and talking shit about women who are working hard to improve their bodies. You don't need to excercise. You probably never have. You are probably the types of girls who have always been really hot and REALLY aware of it. Good for you. But can't you have your hen session somewhere else? Do you really need to crowd up equipment that some of us actually WANT to use so you can gossip about people you don't even know? People you probably won't ever see again?
Furthermore-
Who. THE FUCK. do you think you are?
I worked out for an extra 15 minutes today, until you bitches left (Thanks for making me push myself to do extra reps) so that I wouldn't have to walk by you as I left. And as you all left, I said a selfish, kind of mean little prayer to myself that tomorrow you wake up with an extra 200 pounds each on you. Cellulite and double chins and extra flabby skin. I hope you wake up hot messes, trapped in these heavy, clumsy bodies. And I hope that when you do,, you have to walk by girls just like you. And I hope they cut you to pieces. I hope they make you cry fat blubbery tears. Because otherwise you'll never even notice. You'll n never realize that even though they can't hear you, you're still being horrible people. And you're adults! ADULTS!
So in short: Get a fucking hobby and get the fuck out of my gym.
Sincerely,
Cranky Jenny
That felt fantastic to get off my chest. Seriously.
Working out was rough today without all those people there. I don't know if it was because I was tired, or because my body is hitting another plateau. It was so hard to keep my heart rate up where I wanted it to be today. Anybody have any insight or suggestions on this?
Thanks again to everyone who is reading and sharing stories and getting something from me writing this. Sometimes its humiliating, but I feel like if anyone is finding hope or entertainment or anything from this, then it's worth it.
Also, I miss facebook.
So. effing. Much.
Week3: 147lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder and green tea
Lunch: 1 cup cheerios, 1/2 cup skim milk, green tea
Dinner: herbalife sake w/protein powder
Snack: 20 unsalted almonds
Water: 8 80z. glasses
Excercise: 50 minutes cardio (treadmill, eliptical, and some super scary machine that made me want to die), 300 crunches, various strengthening/toning activities.
Monday, April 2, 2012
014: Happy Cheat Day!
So. Today was cheat day. I've decided not to post what I've eaten today, but suffice it to say that today's cheat day was lovely. It's good to indulge every now and again. Everything in moderation, right?
And tomorrow it will be back to the diet grind, refreshed and re-committed. Ready to hit the gym running (literally!).
Also, worth noting, is that my friend Ruth, whom I went to film school with, runs a UK group devoted to raising awareness about body image. I was actually in the bar with her talking about the very things I write about in this blog 6 years ago when she came up with this idea. Six years later I'm still writing and still struggling, and she's got this thing that's kind of a big deal in the UK. It can be found here: http://www.bodygossip.org
Aaaanyway, she read my blog and asked me to write something for their upcoming book. That's pretty exciting news. I think I'm going to write about that feeling a little like a sellout. Losing weight is a very conflicting experience, especially since at a certain point I think I deluded myself into thinking I owed it to myself not to lose weight (if that makes any sense). It's like, if I lose weight I am conforming to society's conventions of beauty and desirablility, because I think that's the only way to live. I think, in a lot of ways it's seemed kind of strangely brave. I admire women who can say "you know what, this is the size I am, I love it, and fuck you if you can't get on board with it." Part of me wanted to be that woman.
Part of me also wants to get married someday. Part of me also doesn't want to be a huge risk for diabetes and heart disease. So you see? It's conflicting.
Anyway. So that's where I'm at. Not much else to report today.
Is it totally sad and pathetic that I'm already considering what I will enjoy on my next "cheat day"?
And tomorrow it will be back to the diet grind, refreshed and re-committed. Ready to hit the gym running (literally!).
Also, worth noting, is that my friend Ruth, whom I went to film school with, runs a UK group devoted to raising awareness about body image. I was actually in the bar with her talking about the very things I write about in this blog 6 years ago when she came up with this idea. Six years later I'm still writing and still struggling, and she's got this thing that's kind of a big deal in the UK. It can be found here: http://www.bodygossip.org
Aaaanyway, she read my blog and asked me to write something for their upcoming book. That's pretty exciting news. I think I'm going to write about that feeling a little like a sellout. Losing weight is a very conflicting experience, especially since at a certain point I think I deluded myself into thinking I owed it to myself not to lose weight (if that makes any sense). It's like, if I lose weight I am conforming to society's conventions of beauty and desirablility, because I think that's the only way to live. I think, in a lot of ways it's seemed kind of strangely brave. I admire women who can say "you know what, this is the size I am, I love it, and fuck you if you can't get on board with it." Part of me wanted to be that woman.
Part of me also wants to get married someday. Part of me also doesn't want to be a huge risk for diabetes and heart disease. So you see? It's conflicting.
Anyway. So that's where I'm at. Not much else to report today.
Is it totally sad and pathetic that I'm already considering what I will enjoy on my next "cheat day"?
Sunday, April 1, 2012
013: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (and other lies we tell ourselves)
Hey all! So my final weigh in for this week has me losing 4 total inches off my various body areas, and 7 pounds total. This brings my weight to 147 (13 pounds total weight loss so far)
Hell fucking yeah.
I had a great workout this morning and then went to my meeting with josh for weigh and measure. He was pretty pleased, as was I. He even suggested that my metabolism would benefit from one cheat meal a week, as long as the portions are small. I've decided that meal will be mondays (since it gives me the most time to make up for it before the next weigh and measure).
You know what that means?
Pizza tomorrow.
I could do a happy dance. I know, it's sad to be that elated about pizza, but I am. And it's approved my nutrition coach so I dont even have to feel that badly about it!
Another thing happened during my weigh and measure. We were talking about my music ( http://www.reverbnation.com/ ) and how body image factors into that. And he said that, you know, whatever weight I'm at, I'm beautiful. I said thanks, and he raised an eyebrow.
"You know how beautiful you are, right?" He said.
Now. Don't get all up in arms. Josh is ubergay. He was simply stating his opinion. But the truth is, I don't know that. I haven't known or felt that I was pretty in a very, very long time, if ever. Because even when I was young an skinnier (a size 8/10 and biking 14 miles daily) I wanted to be thinner. I wanted to be a size zero. And sure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but personally I think that is bullshit. People have told me I'm pretty. Not many, but some. And it has never mattered. I always figure they are just being nice or polite or trying to get something from me. And that's because, if YOU don't know you're beautiful, it doesnt matter what the beholder thinks.
And furthermore, we put SO much emphasis on body size when we are assessing beauty. The girl that lives next door to my roommate and I once said a girl was so fat (And I saw this girl, by the way, she was maybe 1 or 2 sizes bigger than me) that it was hard to look at her.
How can anyone feel beautiful when they are invisible to the people around them, when people actually avoid looking at them?
And clothes shopping! Something I have dreaded since I was eleven. How the hell can you feel beautiful when you have to go to a "specialty" store (and pay 5 times what the same dress costs at a normal store) because none of the regular stores have your size?
Skinny people will never know how horrible this feels. How plus size women, even women like me who LOVE clothes will avoid mall trips, especially with skinny friends. You know what I do when I go into a normal store like Forever 21 with my roommate? I make a bee-line for the accssories. Scarves, hats, jewelry, purses. Things like that. I convinced myself I would rather shop for those things because I then didn't have to face the depressing reality that if I DID want to buy a dress in this store, I couldn't. Because it wouldn't fit me. So my friends are all happily trying on adorable sundresses and tops that I desperately want to wear, and I am wandering around the accessories and checking my watch and countingthe seconds til it is over and we can go somewhere where I am not as glaringly unattractive.
How can anyone feel pretty in that situation? It's like being slapped in the face by society with the knowledge that You don't look like what regular people are supposed to look like. You need to change.
And yeah. I'm changing. And while I am partly doing it because you can only fight these situations for so long before you have to play ball, I am also doing it for myself.
Because I want so badly to feel beautiful. Even if it's just once.
...Who doesn't?
Week 3: 247 lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Lunch: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Snack: 1/4 cup strawberries
Dinner: 1 small pork chop, 1 cucumber
Also: 8 8oz glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators
Excercise: Ran 4.5 miles, 300 crunches, various arm and leg weight/resistance excercises
Hell fucking yeah.
I had a great workout this morning and then went to my meeting with josh for weigh and measure. He was pretty pleased, as was I. He even suggested that my metabolism would benefit from one cheat meal a week, as long as the portions are small. I've decided that meal will be mondays (since it gives me the most time to make up for it before the next weigh and measure).
You know what that means?
Pizza tomorrow.
I could do a happy dance. I know, it's sad to be that elated about pizza, but I am. And it's approved my nutrition coach so I dont even have to feel that badly about it!
Another thing happened during my weigh and measure. We were talking about my music ( http://www.reverbnation.com/ ) and how body image factors into that. And he said that, you know, whatever weight I'm at, I'm beautiful. I said thanks, and he raised an eyebrow.
"You know how beautiful you are, right?" He said.
Now. Don't get all up in arms. Josh is ubergay. He was simply stating his opinion. But the truth is, I don't know that. I haven't known or felt that I was pretty in a very, very long time, if ever. Because even when I was young an skinnier (a size 8/10 and biking 14 miles daily) I wanted to be thinner. I wanted to be a size zero. And sure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but personally I think that is bullshit. People have told me I'm pretty. Not many, but some. And it has never mattered. I always figure they are just being nice or polite or trying to get something from me. And that's because, if YOU don't know you're beautiful, it doesnt matter what the beholder thinks.
And furthermore, we put SO much emphasis on body size when we are assessing beauty. The girl that lives next door to my roommate and I once said a girl was so fat (And I saw this girl, by the way, she was maybe 1 or 2 sizes bigger than me) that it was hard to look at her.
How can anyone feel beautiful when they are invisible to the people around them, when people actually avoid looking at them?
And clothes shopping! Something I have dreaded since I was eleven. How the hell can you feel beautiful when you have to go to a "specialty" store (and pay 5 times what the same dress costs at a normal store) because none of the regular stores have your size?
Skinny people will never know how horrible this feels. How plus size women, even women like me who LOVE clothes will avoid mall trips, especially with skinny friends. You know what I do when I go into a normal store like Forever 21 with my roommate? I make a bee-line for the accssories. Scarves, hats, jewelry, purses. Things like that. I convinced myself I would rather shop for those things because I then didn't have to face the depressing reality that if I DID want to buy a dress in this store, I couldn't. Because it wouldn't fit me. So my friends are all happily trying on adorable sundresses and tops that I desperately want to wear, and I am wandering around the accessories and checking my watch and countingthe seconds til it is over and we can go somewhere where I am not as glaringly unattractive.
How can anyone feel pretty in that situation? It's like being slapped in the face by society with the knowledge that You don't look like what regular people are supposed to look like. You need to change.
And so, when someone doesn't feel like that. When they think you are perfect the way you are, it is hard to believe they are sincere or serious when you have all this empirical evidence to the contrary.
Anyway.And yeah. I'm changing. And while I am partly doing it because you can only fight these situations for so long before you have to play ball, I am also doing it for myself.
Because I want so badly to feel beautiful. Even if it's just once.
...Who doesn't?
Week 3: 247 lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Lunch: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Snack: 1/4 cup strawberries
Dinner: 1 small pork chop, 1 cucumber
Also: 8 8oz glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators
Excercise: Ran 4.5 miles, 300 crunches, various arm and leg weight/resistance excercises
Friday, March 30, 2012
011: The Hunger Games
So I know it's technically Saturday (day 12) but I am determined to do a post a day, so I must finish this post before bed. You can expect another today (tomorrow? today).
Today was the busiest day I've had in my diet so far. It was rough. Normally I can plan out my meals and snacks and while I am ALWAYS busy, I also make sure I have enough time to keep all my ducks in a row. I think that's important.
However, today I had work. then I had to go to Boston for a meeting with my producer and the label people, which was awesome! They are pretty adamant about me not using any friends, since they think hiring session performers to be my backing band will be more sufficient. I was kind of bummed about that, since I think I would be more comfortable with some friends to take along with me on this adventure, but que sera sera. Session musicians it is. We begin pre-production at the end of june and will be laying down tracks before the end of summer 2012, with a November release date tentative. So that's exciting.
But then on the way home, I hit massive traffic, and tried to go around it and got lost. Plus, we had a HUGE parent event at work tonight and I had to pick up supplies for that. The whole day was just constant running around. I'm pretty proud that I stayed really close to my nutrition plan though. The only thing that probably wasn't great was the subway sandwich that I had for lunch instead of my nice organic chicken and field greens that I had waiting for me at home. Oh well. At least I didn't eat any pizza at our parent event. You do what you can.
It's getting easier to be social without food. Tonight, I went to see The Hunger Games with Matt and Mike from work. Hah, hunger games. It just occurred to me how the title (alone- the movie actually has pretty little to do with actually being physically hungry in your stomach) sort of relatesto me! Still getting pretty bad hunger pangs, but they are fewer and far between. I have to say, I think it's the first time in maybe ever that I've gone to a movie and not gotten popcorn and soda. It was a little weird at first, but it was also nice not having to get up in the middle of the movie to pee. So that was a plus.
So all in all, this was a pretty rough week, very taxing emotionally and physically. And maybe there was potential for me to do better. But I did the best I could in the situations I was in, and I am pretty darn happy with that.
Oh, and I lost another 2-4 lbs (my mother couldnt remember how far her scale was off).
So that brings the total to 10/12 lbs in 12 days. I think that's just fine with me.
Today was the busiest day I've had in my diet so far. It was rough. Normally I can plan out my meals and snacks and while I am ALWAYS busy, I also make sure I have enough time to keep all my ducks in a row. I think that's important.
However, today I had work. then I had to go to Boston for a meeting with my producer and the label people, which was awesome! They are pretty adamant about me not using any friends, since they think hiring session performers to be my backing band will be more sufficient. I was kind of bummed about that, since I think I would be more comfortable with some friends to take along with me on this adventure, but que sera sera. Session musicians it is. We begin pre-production at the end of june and will be laying down tracks before the end of summer 2012, with a November release date tentative. So that's exciting.
But then on the way home, I hit massive traffic, and tried to go around it and got lost. Plus, we had a HUGE parent event at work tonight and I had to pick up supplies for that. The whole day was just constant running around. I'm pretty proud that I stayed really close to my nutrition plan though. The only thing that probably wasn't great was the subway sandwich that I had for lunch instead of my nice organic chicken and field greens that I had waiting for me at home. Oh well. At least I didn't eat any pizza at our parent event. You do what you can.
It's getting easier to be social without food. Tonight, I went to see The Hunger Games with Matt and Mike from work. Hah, hunger games. It just occurred to me how the title (alone- the movie actually has pretty little to do with actually being physically hungry in your stomach) sort of relatesto me! Still getting pretty bad hunger pangs, but they are fewer and far between. I have to say, I think it's the first time in maybe ever that I've gone to a movie and not gotten popcorn and soda. It was a little weird at first, but it was also nice not having to get up in the middle of the movie to pee. So that was a plus.
So all in all, this was a pretty rough week, very taxing emotionally and physically. And maybe there was potential for me to do better. But I did the best I could in the situations I was in, and I am pretty darn happy with that.
Oh, and I lost another 2-4 lbs (my mother couldnt remember how far her scale was off).
So that brings the total to 10/12 lbs in 12 days. I think that's just fine with me.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
010: Recommitting
Hello out there!
First of all, I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of support, as always. My last post got so much positive feedback, and a lot of amazing suggestions for overcoming cravings. Normally, what I do when I am craving something unhealthy is do something else for myself. I paint my nails, or put on a facial mask or take a bubble bath. Some other treat for myself and my body that makes me feel good and takes my mind off of whatever it is I'm craving. It was kind of impossible to do that yesterday though, being swamped with work.
I looked up some great healthy alternatives to pizza. Thanks for the suggestion, Maggie, but that "meatza" kind of grossed me out. It did get me thinking though, about alternatives. I think I'm going to try and make whole wheat english muffin pizzas as a treat sometime next week.
Oh, and Sarah- thanks for the shoutout in your blog , that was very cool. Your suggestion of talking to my cat about people I hate made me laugh out loud, as did your inference that there were roaches in pizza cheese. It was very sweet of you to reach out to me like that, and I really want to try your Kale Chip recipe. We should have a healthy eating night sometime soon. Like a little soiree.
So yesterday, despite all of your support, I did cheat just a little.
In the spirit of keeping positive, I did not have pizza. And I picked a snack that, while unhealthy, was a way way WAY smaller portion that I usually would have had. And you know what? It didn't even taste as good as I was expecting it to. It was kind of a disappointment all around. I'm not letting that get me off track though. I saw it as an opportunity to re-commit to this diet and to getting fit and getting the body that I want. Today is a new day. I went 10 days without veering off my diet even a little bit. This time I want to see if I can go 20.
Here's the thing though. If I'm in this for the long haul- not just a year but for healthy habits for life- I think I've got to realize that things like this are going to happen. Food addiction is the only thing I can't quit cold turkey. Because then people will accuse me of having an eating disorder. I've got to simply learn to accept these little moments, control them, and move on. I think it's unrealistic to say "I am never going to eat or drink anything unhealthy ever again", because you and I both know that's totally not going to last. At the very least, I have a couple of weddings coming up, and there will be eating and drinking at both of these that will probably be pretty unhealthy. But screw it. Those days are going to happen.
I just can't let those days define my entire experience. I can't say "well, I had french fries, I guess I'm done losing weight now. Bring on the pizza and booze!". Instead, I have to say "okay, this happened. Don't let it happen again for a while."
So yeah. I guess I'm not as unhappy with myself as I thought I was going to be after having that little indulgence. I think, in fact, that I needed it to stop thinking about junk food all the time and move on with this diet. And, you know, I debated not even writing about this, about hiding it from all of you out there. Because I felt like you would be more unhappy and disappointed in me than I was. But this is the truth of it. And when have you ever known me to shy away from the truth?
Week 2: 252 lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in milk. green tea.
snack 1: 20 unsalted almonds
Lunch: 1 cup cheerios in 1 cup skim milk. green tea. 1 small peach.
snack 2: 15 french fries (egads!)
Dinner: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water
also 6 80z glasses of water, 2 multivitamins, 1 aloe shot, and 1 cell activators
First of all, I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of support, as always. My last post got so much positive feedback, and a lot of amazing suggestions for overcoming cravings. Normally, what I do when I am craving something unhealthy is do something else for myself. I paint my nails, or put on a facial mask or take a bubble bath. Some other treat for myself and my body that makes me feel good and takes my mind off of whatever it is I'm craving. It was kind of impossible to do that yesterday though, being swamped with work.
I looked up some great healthy alternatives to pizza. Thanks for the suggestion, Maggie, but that "meatza" kind of grossed me out. It did get me thinking though, about alternatives. I think I'm going to try and make whole wheat english muffin pizzas as a treat sometime next week.
Oh, and Sarah- thanks for the shoutout in your blog , that was very cool. Your suggestion of talking to my cat about people I hate made me laugh out loud, as did your inference that there were roaches in pizza cheese. It was very sweet of you to reach out to me like that, and I really want to try your Kale Chip recipe. We should have a healthy eating night sometime soon. Like a little soiree.
So yesterday, despite all of your support, I did cheat just a little.
In the spirit of keeping positive, I did not have pizza. And I picked a snack that, while unhealthy, was a way way WAY smaller portion that I usually would have had. And you know what? It didn't even taste as good as I was expecting it to. It was kind of a disappointment all around. I'm not letting that get me off track though. I saw it as an opportunity to re-commit to this diet and to getting fit and getting the body that I want. Today is a new day. I went 10 days without veering off my diet even a little bit. This time I want to see if I can go 20.
Here's the thing though. If I'm in this for the long haul- not just a year but for healthy habits for life- I think I've got to realize that things like this are going to happen. Food addiction is the only thing I can't quit cold turkey. Because then people will accuse me of having an eating disorder. I've got to simply learn to accept these little moments, control them, and move on. I think it's unrealistic to say "I am never going to eat or drink anything unhealthy ever again", because you and I both know that's totally not going to last. At the very least, I have a couple of weddings coming up, and there will be eating and drinking at both of these that will probably be pretty unhealthy. But screw it. Those days are going to happen.
I just can't let those days define my entire experience. I can't say "well, I had french fries, I guess I'm done losing weight now. Bring on the pizza and booze!". Instead, I have to say "okay, this happened. Don't let it happen again for a while."
So yeah. I guess I'm not as unhappy with myself as I thought I was going to be after having that little indulgence. I think, in fact, that I needed it to stop thinking about junk food all the time and move on with this diet. And, you know, I debated not even writing about this, about hiding it from all of you out there. Because I felt like you would be more unhappy and disappointed in me than I was. But this is the truth of it. And when have you ever known me to shy away from the truth?
Week 2: 252 lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in milk. green tea.
snack 1: 20 unsalted almonds
Lunch: 1 cup cheerios in 1 cup skim milk. green tea. 1 small peach.
snack 2: 15 french fries (egads!)
Dinner: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water
also 6 80z glasses of water, 2 multivitamins, 1 aloe shot, and 1 cell activators
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
009: "The doughnut moment"
I am determined to post in this every day for the next year. I think it keeps me accountable for my weight loss, and it's something to do. Some days I have trouble coming up with things to say.
Today is not one of those days.
I've been getting a lot of texts, calls, comments and emails about this blog. Yesterday I got an email from my friend Sarah, who is sort of in the same boat as me. She and her friend Erin also started a blog about their experience. You can read it online here: ( http://www.twenty40.wordpress.com ) I LOVE their blog. It's really great that they are working together to lose weight and improve their health. It makes me sort of long to be on a team like that, to have that support system, someone who understands what you're going through picking you up when you fall down. Then I remember I have all of you, cheering me on. And I don't feel so lonesome anymore.
Anyway.
Erin made a post that really resonated with me. She thanked sarah basically for talking her through a tough moment, which she described as a "doughnut moment". She was really stressed out and just really was craving a gooey sugary fried piece of doughy goodness. It happens to the best of us. But when you're not skinny, or you're trying to lose weight, you have to force yourself to ignore those cravings. And it absolutely sucks.
Right now I am immensely stressed out. I have a massive evaluation today at work (the kind of evaluation that will determine whether I get a promotion or a pink slip) I have a million things to do for my sister's bridal shower, and I have some major decisions and work to do if I'm ever going to get an album off the ground. Part of me wants to be zen and say it's all going to work out. But that has never been me, and it probably will not ever be me. I need to stress and obsess over every single tiny detail until I am a giant ball of nerves on the day of the event, and then collapse as soon as it's over. That's sort of how I tend to operate.
And good grief do I want a piece of pizza.
Or, you know, an entire pizza.
This is my doughnut moment. My ledge that I need to be talked off of. I have literally been dreaming of pizza for the last 2 days. Writing little odes to the cheesy, oily, doughy salty delightfulness while I'm chewing sugar free gum and drinking massive amounts of water convincing myself I am not hungry. And I'm probably not hungry, I'm just stressed. And I want one of my go-to comfort foods. What's tough for me is that I have never craved sweets. I don't have a sweet tooth at all. If I did, it would be easy. The shakes are like drinking sweet chocolate milkshakes. But no. I have always craved savory snacks, and those are pretty much no-nos.
As it was, I sort of had a day where I was feeling particularly fat and unproductive yesterday. I ate pretzels (granted, they were 100 calorie unsalted pretzels, but still- no nutritional value whatsoever) and didn't work out. I cleaned my apartment pretty thoroughly but other than that I just sort of lazed around, watching tv and reading. And while that used to be my daily routine, now it leaves me feeling disappointed in myself. Remorseful. And feeling sad makes me want to eat even more. It's just bad news all around.
In her blog, Erin got through her "doughnut moment" by going and buying a nice gym bag instead. I could do something like that, but I really shouldnt be spending money on anything not work/bridal shower/basic human needs related. I don't have the time to work out today, with this evaluation coming up. I'm pretty much going to be living at work. So, any suggestions as to how to push through this? I'm open to pretty much anything to get out of this little funk, folks. Because little doughnut moments like this can make or break this entire commitment.
Week 2: 252.5
Breakfast- herbalife shake w/protein powder in milk, green tea
Snack 1- 100 calorie unsalted popcorn
Lunch- grilled lemon pepper chicken, 1/4 cup whole wheat pasta, 1/8 cup pasta sauce (organic, low sodium), 1 cucumber, sliced, green tea, lemon water
Snack 2- 1 plum, 1 100 calorie bag of unsalted pretzels
Dinner- Herbalife shake with protein powder in water
Also: multivitamins, cell activators, 6 80z glasses of water, b12 supplement
Excercise: none
Today is not one of those days.
I've been getting a lot of texts, calls, comments and emails about this blog. Yesterday I got an email from my friend Sarah, who is sort of in the same boat as me. She and her friend Erin also started a blog about their experience. You can read it online here: ( http://www.twenty40.wordpress.com ) I LOVE their blog. It's really great that they are working together to lose weight and improve their health. It makes me sort of long to be on a team like that, to have that support system, someone who understands what you're going through picking you up when you fall down. Then I remember I have all of you, cheering me on. And I don't feel so lonesome anymore.
Anyway.
Erin made a post that really resonated with me. She thanked sarah basically for talking her through a tough moment, which she described as a "doughnut moment". She was really stressed out and just really was craving a gooey sugary fried piece of doughy goodness. It happens to the best of us. But when you're not skinny, or you're trying to lose weight, you have to force yourself to ignore those cravings. And it absolutely sucks.
Right now I am immensely stressed out. I have a massive evaluation today at work (the kind of evaluation that will determine whether I get a promotion or a pink slip) I have a million things to do for my sister's bridal shower, and I have some major decisions and work to do if I'm ever going to get an album off the ground. Part of me wants to be zen and say it's all going to work out. But that has never been me, and it probably will not ever be me. I need to stress and obsess over every single tiny detail until I am a giant ball of nerves on the day of the event, and then collapse as soon as it's over. That's sort of how I tend to operate.
And good grief do I want a piece of pizza.
Or, you know, an entire pizza.
This is my doughnut moment. My ledge that I need to be talked off of. I have literally been dreaming of pizza for the last 2 days. Writing little odes to the cheesy, oily, doughy salty delightfulness while I'm chewing sugar free gum and drinking massive amounts of water convincing myself I am not hungry. And I'm probably not hungry, I'm just stressed. And I want one of my go-to comfort foods. What's tough for me is that I have never craved sweets. I don't have a sweet tooth at all. If I did, it would be easy. The shakes are like drinking sweet chocolate milkshakes. But no. I have always craved savory snacks, and those are pretty much no-nos.
As it was, I sort of had a day where I was feeling particularly fat and unproductive yesterday. I ate pretzels (granted, they were 100 calorie unsalted pretzels, but still- no nutritional value whatsoever) and didn't work out. I cleaned my apartment pretty thoroughly but other than that I just sort of lazed around, watching tv and reading. And while that used to be my daily routine, now it leaves me feeling disappointed in myself. Remorseful. And feeling sad makes me want to eat even more. It's just bad news all around.
In her blog, Erin got through her "doughnut moment" by going and buying a nice gym bag instead. I could do something like that, but I really shouldnt be spending money on anything not work/bridal shower/basic human needs related. I don't have the time to work out today, with this evaluation coming up. I'm pretty much going to be living at work. So, any suggestions as to how to push through this? I'm open to pretty much anything to get out of this little funk, folks. Because little doughnut moments like this can make or break this entire commitment.
Week 2: 252.5
Breakfast- herbalife shake w/protein powder in milk, green tea
Snack 1- 100 calorie unsalted popcorn
Lunch- grilled lemon pepper chicken, 1/4 cup whole wheat pasta, 1/8 cup pasta sauce (organic, low sodium), 1 cucumber, sliced, green tea, lemon water
Snack 2- 1 plum, 1 100 calorie bag of unsalted pretzels
Dinner- Herbalife shake with protein powder in water
Also: multivitamins, cell activators, 6 80z glasses of water, b12 supplement
Excercise: none
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
008: Adele is not plus size.
Hey folks. So thinks are pretty much starting to get to be status quo here. I work. I work out. I drink shakes instead of eating food. Rinse and repeat.
It's been tough not being on facebook and staying away from social situations as of late. I've definitely been keeping busy, and I've gotten a lot of awesome things done that I wouldn't have gotten done otherwise. I've been reading a lot. I'm pretty close to finishing the scarf that I was supposed to be making for my roommate as a Christmas present. But it's hard. I feel kind of disconnected.
Did you know, in this day and age, that when people were forced to give up all forms of technology and social media (right down to their phones and tvs) they experienced physical and mental withdrawl symptoms? That's right. You can actually be addicted to technology.
And I mean I just gave up facebook. My smart phone is still pretty much glued to my hand, and I watch tv and movies daily. More movies than tv though. I'm not a big TV fan. You can only watch so many reality shows before they all bleed into one mind numbing mush inducing blob.
So anyway. Yesterday I was reading about Adele online, and I found out she is only a size 12! A size 12! Maybe that's plus size by hollywood standards, but it isn't by normal people standards. A size 12 is like... average. And she has just recently hired a personal trainer to lose weight. What the hell. Way to change yourself and stop being a plus size role model to women everywhere. Just like Jennifer Hudson.
I don't blame them though. It just goes to show you how much pressure there is on women to be a certain size. It doesn't matter if you can sing circles around the competition. What's your dress size, that's what matters. That's what's wrong with the music business. That's why people like Ke$ha are famous.
I would love to be a size 12. When I'm a size 12, I know I'm going to want to be smaller, but right now I just want to shake adele and say "What is wrong with you!!!!" You are effing GORGEOUS and even if you looked like hatchetface, your voice is what sells your records. You don't have to kill yourself trying to change, you know?
Anyway. I should head out to the gym. I hope everyone out there in cyberland and the real world and facebook are having a great week!
And I'm not going to post what I ate yesterday, since it's pretty much exactly the same as the day before. Oh well.
It's been tough not being on facebook and staying away from social situations as of late. I've definitely been keeping busy, and I've gotten a lot of awesome things done that I wouldn't have gotten done otherwise. I've been reading a lot. I'm pretty close to finishing the scarf that I was supposed to be making for my roommate as a Christmas present. But it's hard. I feel kind of disconnected.
Did you know, in this day and age, that when people were forced to give up all forms of technology and social media (right down to their phones and tvs) they experienced physical and mental withdrawl symptoms? That's right. You can actually be addicted to technology.
And I mean I just gave up facebook. My smart phone is still pretty much glued to my hand, and I watch tv and movies daily. More movies than tv though. I'm not a big TV fan. You can only watch so many reality shows before they all bleed into one mind numbing mush inducing blob.
So anyway. Yesterday I was reading about Adele online, and I found out she is only a size 12! A size 12! Maybe that's plus size by hollywood standards, but it isn't by normal people standards. A size 12 is like... average. And she has just recently hired a personal trainer to lose weight. What the hell. Way to change yourself and stop being a plus size role model to women everywhere. Just like Jennifer Hudson.
I don't blame them though. It just goes to show you how much pressure there is on women to be a certain size. It doesn't matter if you can sing circles around the competition. What's your dress size, that's what matters. That's what's wrong with the music business. That's why people like Ke$ha are famous.
I would love to be a size 12. When I'm a size 12, I know I'm going to want to be smaller, but right now I just want to shake adele and say "What is wrong with you!!!!" You are effing GORGEOUS and even if you looked like hatchetface, your voice is what sells your records. You don't have to kill yourself trying to change, you know?
Anyway. I should head out to the gym. I hope everyone out there in cyberland and the real world and facebook are having a great week!
And I'm not going to post what I ate yesterday, since it's pretty much exactly the same as the day before. Oh well.
Monday, March 26, 2012
007: The herbalife cult
8 pounds in 7 days.
Hell. Effing. Yes.
And the best part is, I feel fantastic. I know I will eventually hit a plateau where it won't be so easy and I will surely be frustrated, but I haven't yet. Right now it's immensely easy. I've been following my meal plan so closely, there's really no room for anything but success. Which is an awesome feeling, after failing at this for so long.
Yesterday, my coach, Josh, had a shake party at his swanky loft apartment. There were tons of delicious herbalife recipes, to try, and I had a great time meeting people who are on the same product. All of them were skinny though! Most of them just use one shake a day as a way to maintain their weight. One woman has been on herbalife for thirteen years! It was really amazing and inspiring to meet people who have been through the struggle that I'm going through right now, and have seen the results and come out on the other side. They were all so supportive and nice!
Some of them were talking about the "cult" reputation that herbalife has. Well whatever. I will join a cult that will make it this easy to lose weight. No question.
Short update today. Again, I'm sort of staying away from social situations for a while, so it leads to a lot of boring workout talk, and naval gazing. Food and body image are two huge struggles for me, and something that has affected my life in such a big way. It's nice to feel like things are FINALLY going to be different for me, and that my life is going to change and improve so greatly. Aside from being less likely to fall into all the health complications everyone else in my family goes through, I will also be more confident, save more money, and it will definitely have an affect on my dating and my music, both of which are really image based. I've tried so many different things over the last like... 10 years. It's just great to find something that finally feels like a good fit.
And here's the score card for those who are interested.
Week2: 252lbs
Breakfast: shake in milk with protein powder. green tea.
Lunch: shake in water with protein powder. green tea.
Snack: herbalife snack bars/pies/etc.
Dinner: Lemon pepper chicken tenderloin, 1/3 cup whole wheat pasta, 1/8 pasta sauce, 1 small cucumber, sliced.
Also 1 aloe shot, 3 multivitamins, 1 cell activator, 1b12 supplement, 8 80z. glasses of water
Excercise: 45 minutes cardio, 30 minutes abs/weights
Hell. Effing. Yes.
And the best part is, I feel fantastic. I know I will eventually hit a plateau where it won't be so easy and I will surely be frustrated, but I haven't yet. Right now it's immensely easy. I've been following my meal plan so closely, there's really no room for anything but success. Which is an awesome feeling, after failing at this for so long.
Yesterday, my coach, Josh, had a shake party at his swanky loft apartment. There were tons of delicious herbalife recipes, to try, and I had a great time meeting people who are on the same product. All of them were skinny though! Most of them just use one shake a day as a way to maintain their weight. One woman has been on herbalife for thirteen years! It was really amazing and inspiring to meet people who have been through the struggle that I'm going through right now, and have seen the results and come out on the other side. They were all so supportive and nice!
Some of them were talking about the "cult" reputation that herbalife has. Well whatever. I will join a cult that will make it this easy to lose weight. No question.
Short update today. Again, I'm sort of staying away from social situations for a while, so it leads to a lot of boring workout talk, and naval gazing. Food and body image are two huge struggles for me, and something that has affected my life in such a big way. It's nice to feel like things are FINALLY going to be different for me, and that my life is going to change and improve so greatly. Aside from being less likely to fall into all the health complications everyone else in my family goes through, I will also be more confident, save more money, and it will definitely have an affect on my dating and my music, both of which are really image based. I've tried so many different things over the last like... 10 years. It's just great to find something that finally feels like a good fit.
And here's the score card for those who are interested.
Week2: 252lbs
Breakfast: shake in milk with protein powder. green tea.
Lunch: shake in water with protein powder. green tea.
Snack: herbalife snack bars/pies/etc.
Dinner: Lemon pepper chicken tenderloin, 1/3 cup whole wheat pasta, 1/8 pasta sauce, 1 small cucumber, sliced.
Also 1 aloe shot, 3 multivitamins, 1 cell activator, 1b12 supplement, 8 80z. glasses of water
Excercise: 45 minutes cardio, 30 minutes abs/weights
Sunday, March 25, 2012
006: Why I eat.
Yesterday was great. I actually cooked dinner, since I had time after work and the gym. (see below). I was pretty excited to learn that whole wheat pasta tastes almost as good as regular pasta, and organic low sodium tomato sauce actually tastes better than the sauce I was using before. Score one for healthy choices.
Yesterday I kept pretty busy. After work I went to the gym, then I came home and did some pampering stuff, watched a movie while knitting, and then made dinner and went out to babysit my adoooorable nephew. Lots of sesame street and making funny noises. It was a pretty rock star Saturday night.
But I think it's important to
a)keep busy this month
and
b) not go out this month
Since I eat when I'm bored, and I drink when I'm bored. And since I am only just realizing now that most social rituals involve food. You go to the movies, you get popcorn. You go to a bar, you drink. You go out for dinner/brunch/coffee. You go to a ball game, you get a hot dog. And since I'm kind of incapable of just saying no right now, I've got to just sort of dedicate myself to the life of a hermit for a few weeks, detox, and then re-approach this rituals with a new outlook on food.
The other reason I eat is emotional. I eat when I'm stressed out, or sad, or upset. And yesterday afternoon I really wanted to eat. I won't go into details, I will just say that it's really hard when you have family members who blatently don't give a shit about you, except for when they are shaking your confidence. (And nobody can shake your confidence like your family). It's especially hard when you are continually trying to have a relationship with these people, and they just keep shutting you down. It's a little like repeatedly running into a brick wall. Except the brick wall is mean. And you can't walk away from the brick wall, because it's your family.
Everybody has people like this in their life. People you love who, whether they know it or not, hurt you on a regular basis. I don't think she does it on purpose, I think it's just the way she is. And it sucks because of course, I am so desperate for her approval that I keep coming back and basically asking for it.
So what do you do in that situation? I think it's important to cut negative energy and negative people out of your life. If someone doesn't appreciate you, you should pretty much tell them to kick rocks. Bye bye boyfriend, and if it's a friend then they're not friend at all. Peace out.
But how do you do that when you're related to the person?
For now, I think I'll just try to keep a polite distance. She doesn't like it when I call anyway. It'll be easy.
BUT! Focusing on the positive (my the secret friends will totally appreciate that), thank YOU for all your support and comments. I am so appreciative of all of it. It's amazing to know that anybody is reading this, and even more amazing that anybody is getting anything out of it. You guys are incredible, and just like some of you said that my words are inspiring, your words are keeping me going, writing this and losing all this weight is not easy! So thanks Shay, Jeff, Maggie, Marie, Becky, Jamie, Mom, and whoever else is checking in on this blog from time to time.
Today my coach is having a "shake party" to try some different flavors. I'm pretty psyched to try some new flavors. Not that chocolate and vanilla aren't doing it for me, but variety is the spice of life. And it's also going to keep me from throwing these shakes out the window and quitting in months to come.
Week 1: 255.5 lbs
Breakfast: shake w/protein powder in skim milk, green tea
Lunch: shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
snack 1: 100 calorie bag of popcorn
snack 2: 20 unsalted almonds and 1 small plum
Dinner: 1/2 cup whole wheat pasta, 2 fat free organic grilled chicken tenderloins with lemon and pepper, 1 small cucumber, sliced, 1/8 cup organic tomato sauce, lemon water (biggest meal I had all week and it was DELCIOUS)
Also: 6 8oz. glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 b12 supplement
Yesterday I kept pretty busy. After work I went to the gym, then I came home and did some pampering stuff, watched a movie while knitting, and then made dinner and went out to babysit my adoooorable nephew. Lots of sesame street and making funny noises. It was a pretty rock star Saturday night.
But I think it's important to
a)keep busy this month
and
b) not go out this month
Since I eat when I'm bored, and I drink when I'm bored. And since I am only just realizing now that most social rituals involve food. You go to the movies, you get popcorn. You go to a bar, you drink. You go out for dinner/brunch/coffee. You go to a ball game, you get a hot dog. And since I'm kind of incapable of just saying no right now, I've got to just sort of dedicate myself to the life of a hermit for a few weeks, detox, and then re-approach this rituals with a new outlook on food.
The other reason I eat is emotional. I eat when I'm stressed out, or sad, or upset. And yesterday afternoon I really wanted to eat. I won't go into details, I will just say that it's really hard when you have family members who blatently don't give a shit about you, except for when they are shaking your confidence. (And nobody can shake your confidence like your family). It's especially hard when you are continually trying to have a relationship with these people, and they just keep shutting you down. It's a little like repeatedly running into a brick wall. Except the brick wall is mean. And you can't walk away from the brick wall, because it's your family.
Everybody has people like this in their life. People you love who, whether they know it or not, hurt you on a regular basis. I don't think she does it on purpose, I think it's just the way she is. And it sucks because of course, I am so desperate for her approval that I keep coming back and basically asking for it.
So what do you do in that situation? I think it's important to cut negative energy and negative people out of your life. If someone doesn't appreciate you, you should pretty much tell them to kick rocks. Bye bye boyfriend, and if it's a friend then they're not friend at all. Peace out.
But how do you do that when you're related to the person?
For now, I think I'll just try to keep a polite distance. She doesn't like it when I call anyway. It'll be easy.
BUT! Focusing on the positive (my the secret friends will totally appreciate that), thank YOU for all your support and comments. I am so appreciative of all of it. It's amazing to know that anybody is reading this, and even more amazing that anybody is getting anything out of it. You guys are incredible, and just like some of you said that my words are inspiring, your words are keeping me going, writing this and losing all this weight is not easy! So thanks Shay, Jeff, Maggie, Marie, Becky, Jamie, Mom, and whoever else is checking in on this blog from time to time.
Today my coach is having a "shake party" to try some different flavors. I'm pretty psyched to try some new flavors. Not that chocolate and vanilla aren't doing it for me, but variety is the spice of life. And it's also going to keep me from throwing these shakes out the window and quitting in months to come.
Week 1: 255.5 lbs
Breakfast: shake w/protein powder in skim milk, green tea
Lunch: shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
snack 1: 100 calorie bag of popcorn
snack 2: 20 unsalted almonds and 1 small plum
Dinner: 1/2 cup whole wheat pasta, 2 fat free organic grilled chicken tenderloins with lemon and pepper, 1 small cucumber, sliced, 1/8 cup organic tomato sauce, lemon water (biggest meal I had all week and it was DELCIOUS)
Also: 6 8oz. glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 b12 supplement
Saturday, March 24, 2012
005: 4.5 down, 115.5 to go.
Fuck A right, you read that title correctly.
I weighed myself at the gym yesterday morning, and I lost 4.5 pounds in 4 days. Yay results! I'm pretty big on instant gratification. If I don't like a book by the first chapter, I don't read it. If I don't see results in the first week of trying a diet/weight loss plan, I usually give up. In fact, that's what I've always done. But this is incredible. And the support system with herbalife is great. Josh (my coach) has been calling me to see how I've been doing, encouraging me, supporting me when I bitch and mown about how hungry I am.
Oh, and also, yesterday I didn't find myself feeling as hungry or craving food as badly. And my energy is still way up, and my workouts are still 110 percent better. I can push myself harder without feeling like I'm dying. I'm pretty pumped.
I wanted to talk today about working out. Cardio cardio cardio. My workouts tend to be 70 percent cardio and 30 percent resitstance/weights/toning. I hated it for the first couple of days (because let's be honest, it really sucks at first) but once my body stopped hurting I started to really look forward to my workouts. I used to work out while watching tv, but this week I tried working out to music and I love it WAY more. I find that super uptempo girl pop (Pink, Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry) or 90's alt rock tend to work best for getting me in the mood to do some serious sweating. What about you? What do you do for excercise, and, more importantly, what's the soundtrack?
Sorry this is a short entry, I've got a lot to do today. Keeping busy has proven to be pretty integral in me not cheating on this.
Week 1: 155.5
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in skim milk. green tea.
Lunch: 1 cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk. green tea.
Snack 1: 20 unsalted almonds
Snack 2: 1/2 cup blueberries
Dinner: Herbalife shake w/protein powder in ice/water. ( perfected the smoothie!)
Also: 8 80z. glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 1 b12 supplement, 2 cell activators
Excercise: 75 minutes (45 cardio/30 weights/resistance/abs)
30 minute evening walk with my client
I weighed myself at the gym yesterday morning, and I lost 4.5 pounds in 4 days. Yay results! I'm pretty big on instant gratification. If I don't like a book by the first chapter, I don't read it. If I don't see results in the first week of trying a diet/weight loss plan, I usually give up. In fact, that's what I've always done. But this is incredible. And the support system with herbalife is great. Josh (my coach) has been calling me to see how I've been doing, encouraging me, supporting me when I bitch and mown about how hungry I am.
Oh, and also, yesterday I didn't find myself feeling as hungry or craving food as badly. And my energy is still way up, and my workouts are still 110 percent better. I can push myself harder without feeling like I'm dying. I'm pretty pumped.
I wanted to talk today about working out. Cardio cardio cardio. My workouts tend to be 70 percent cardio and 30 percent resitstance/weights/toning. I hated it for the first couple of days (because let's be honest, it really sucks at first) but once my body stopped hurting I started to really look forward to my workouts. I used to work out while watching tv, but this week I tried working out to music and I love it WAY more. I find that super uptempo girl pop (Pink, Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry) or 90's alt rock tend to work best for getting me in the mood to do some serious sweating. What about you? What do you do for excercise, and, more importantly, what's the soundtrack?
Sorry this is a short entry, I've got a lot to do today. Keeping busy has proven to be pretty integral in me not cheating on this.
Week 1: 155.5
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in skim milk. green tea.
Lunch: 1 cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk. green tea.
Snack 1: 20 unsalted almonds
Snack 2: 1/2 cup blueberries
Dinner: Herbalife shake w/protein powder in ice/water. ( perfected the smoothie!)
Also: 8 80z. glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 1 b12 supplement, 2 cell activators
Excercise: 75 minutes (45 cardio/30 weights/resistance/abs)
30 minute evening walk with my client
Friday, March 23, 2012
004: Nobody makes passes at girls who wear glasses.
I am sick of talking about working out and dieting. I already am starting to feel like that is all I ever talk about, you know? I don't want to become one of those boring vapid, shallow people who has nothing interesting to contribute to the world.
So instead, let's talk about men.
Dudes. Guys. The male species.
I had a date last night.
I blew it off.
Why, you might ask?
Well, I just don't see the point.
Heres how it's going to go. You meet a guy online, or you are friends with a guy. Things are going great, you're laughing together and making plans. And then, it happens. He starts talking about how all he wants to do is find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you (I) find yourself (myself) thinking "Hey, I'm a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you are a fun, cute, well put together guy." So you pursue it. And then just as suddenly, the guy you were friends with, the guy you laughed with and talked with about deeply personal stuff is not returning even the most platonic of texts. Avoiding you.
I've become a connisseur of silences. Polite silences. Awkward silences. Shocked silences. But it all comes down to the same thing he doesn't want to say.
I want to find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl.
Who is skinny.
Because that's what it's really all about.
And it really used to piss me off, you know? You'd rather date a girl who treats you like crap, or who is batshit crazy, than a girl who is bigger than a size 10. How messed up are your priorities that dress size matters more than whether or not the girl can hold a conversation?
Then I learned that it's not their fault. Men are subconsciously attracted to women with a very specific waist to hip ratio, because subconsciously it is all about making babies and furthering their genetic line. And you know, wanting to be seen in public with their significant other is a big deal too.
That's not the only statistic either. Women who are thin are percieved to be more intellectual, more organized, and more fun. Whether or not you know that size six, just because she's skinny she's probably a better person. There's a whole psychological reason behind it that I won't delve into here. But trust me. It's true.
And then you convince yourself, fuck em. I don't want to be a part of this game. I am happy by myself. Invest your time in hobbies. Surround yourself with friends and family. Drink till you're sloppy and giggly. Anything to fill that void. But eventually you realize, you know you deserve better than this. And you want it.
I guess I just want to be the type of girl a guy wants to be seen with. I want to be the type of girl who gets approached in bars (by men under the age of 40), who gets phone numbers, and who is seen as the fun, organized, intellectual, nice, not crazy or bitchy person I really am.
I am just so tired of being invisible.
And while part of me feels like a sellout for changing myself like this, at some point in your life, you've got to play ball. You've got to accept the facts and statistics and work them to your advantage. So that's what I'm doing. And if it means being hungry for a little while, then whatever.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right?
You know, except pretty much all kinds of food.
Week 1: 158.5
Breakfast: breakfast shake (with skim milk) and aloe shot
Snack: 100 calorie bag of unsalted popcorn
Lunch: 1cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 1/2 cup blueberries, 20 unsalted almonds
Dinner: dinner shake (with water)
Plus 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 B12 supplement, and 7 8oz. glasses of water
Excercise: 30 minute walk with my client.
Weekend coming up. This should be interesting.
So instead, let's talk about men.
Dudes. Guys. The male species.
I had a date last night.
I blew it off.
Why, you might ask?
Well, I just don't see the point.
Heres how it's going to go. You meet a guy online, or you are friends with a guy. Things are going great, you're laughing together and making plans. And then, it happens. He starts talking about how all he wants to do is find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you (I) find yourself (myself) thinking "Hey, I'm a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you are a fun, cute, well put together guy." So you pursue it. And then just as suddenly, the guy you were friends with, the guy you laughed with and talked with about deeply personal stuff is not returning even the most platonic of texts. Avoiding you.
I've become a connisseur of silences. Polite silences. Awkward silences. Shocked silences. But it all comes down to the same thing he doesn't want to say.
I want to find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl.
Who is skinny.
Because that's what it's really all about.
And it really used to piss me off, you know? You'd rather date a girl who treats you like crap, or who is batshit crazy, than a girl who is bigger than a size 10. How messed up are your priorities that dress size matters more than whether or not the girl can hold a conversation?
Then I learned that it's not their fault. Men are subconsciously attracted to women with a very specific waist to hip ratio, because subconsciously it is all about making babies and furthering their genetic line. And you know, wanting to be seen in public with their significant other is a big deal too.
That's not the only statistic either. Women who are thin are percieved to be more intellectual, more organized, and more fun. Whether or not you know that size six, just because she's skinny she's probably a better person. There's a whole psychological reason behind it that I won't delve into here. But trust me. It's true.
And then you convince yourself, fuck em. I don't want to be a part of this game. I am happy by myself. Invest your time in hobbies. Surround yourself with friends and family. Drink till you're sloppy and giggly. Anything to fill that void. But eventually you realize, you know you deserve better than this. And you want it.
I guess I just want to be the type of girl a guy wants to be seen with. I want to be the type of girl who gets approached in bars (by men under the age of 40), who gets phone numbers, and who is seen as the fun, organized, intellectual, nice, not crazy or bitchy person I really am.
I am just so tired of being invisible.
And while part of me feels like a sellout for changing myself like this, at some point in your life, you've got to play ball. You've got to accept the facts and statistics and work them to your advantage. So that's what I'm doing. And if it means being hungry for a little while, then whatever.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right?
You know, except pretty much all kinds of food.
Week 1: 158.5
Breakfast: breakfast shake (with skim milk) and aloe shot
Snack: 100 calorie bag of unsalted popcorn
Lunch: 1cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 1/2 cup blueberries, 20 unsalted almonds
Dinner: dinner shake (with water)
Plus 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 B12 supplement, and 7 8oz. glasses of water
Excercise: 30 minute walk with my client.
Weekend coming up. This should be interesting.
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