013: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (and other lies we tell ourselves)

Hey all! So my final weigh in for this week has me losing 4 total inches off my various body areas, and 7 pounds total. This brings my weight to 147 (13 pounds total weight loss so far)

Hell fucking yeah.

I had a great workout this morning and then went to my meeting with josh for weigh and measure. He was pretty pleased, as was I. He even suggested that my metabolism would benefit from one cheat meal a week, as long as the portions are small. I've decided that meal will be mondays (since it gives me the most time to make up for it before the next weigh and measure).

You know what that means?

Pizza tomorrow.

I could do a happy dance. I know, it's sad to be that elated about pizza, but I am. And it's approved my nutrition coach so I dont even have to feel that badly about it!

Another thing happened during my weigh and measure. We were talking about my music ( http://www.reverbnation.com/ ) and how body image factors into that. And he said that, you know, whatever weight I'm at, I'm beautiful. I said thanks, and he raised an eyebrow.

"You know how beautiful you are, right?" He said.

Now. Don't get all up in arms. Josh is ubergay. He was simply stating his opinion. But the truth is, I don't know that. I haven't known or felt that I was pretty in a very, very long time, if ever. Because even when I was young an skinnier (a size 8/10 and biking 14 miles daily) I wanted to be thinner. I wanted to be a size zero. And sure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but personally I think that is bullshit. People have told me I'm pretty. Not many, but some. And it has never mattered. I always figure they are just being nice or polite or trying to get something from me. And that's because, if YOU don't know you're beautiful, it doesnt matter what the beholder thinks.

And furthermore, we put SO much emphasis on body size when we are assessing beauty. The girl that lives next door to my roommate and I once said a girl was so fat (And I saw this girl, by the way, she was maybe 1 or 2 sizes bigger than me) that it was hard to look at her.

How can anyone feel beautiful when they are invisible to the people around them, when people actually avoid looking at them?

And clothes shopping! Something I have dreaded since I was eleven. How the hell can you feel beautiful when you have to go to a "specialty" store (and pay 5 times what the same dress costs at a normal store) because none of the regular stores have your size?

Skinny people will never know how horrible this feels. How plus size women, even women like me who LOVE clothes will avoid mall trips, especially with skinny friends. You know what I do when I go into a normal store like Forever 21 with my roommate? I make a bee-line for the accssories. Scarves, hats, jewelry, purses. Things like that. I convinced myself I would rather shop for those things because I then didn't have to face the depressing reality that if I DID want to buy a dress in this store, I couldn't. Because it wouldn't fit me. So my friends are all happily trying on adorable sundresses and tops that I desperately want to wear, and I am wandering around the accessories and checking my watch and countingthe seconds til it is over and we can go somewhere where I am not as glaringly unattractive.

How can anyone feel pretty in that situation? It's like being slapped in the face by society with the knowledge that You don't look like what regular people are supposed to look like. You need to change.

And so, when someone doesn't feel like that. When they think you are perfect the way you are, it is hard to believe they are sincere or serious when you have all this empirical evidence to the contrary.

Anyway.

And yeah. I'm changing. And while I am partly doing it because you can only fight these situations for so long before you have to play ball, I am also doing it for myself.

Because I want so badly to feel beautiful. Even if it's just once.

...Who doesn't?

Week 3: 247 lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Lunch: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Snack: 1/4 cup strawberries
Dinner: 1 small pork chop, 1 cucumber

Also: 8 8oz glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators

Excercise: Ran 4.5 miles, 300 crunches, various arm and leg weight/resistance excercises

009: "The doughnut moment"

I am determined to post in this every day for the next year. I think it keeps me accountable for my weight loss, and it's something to do. Some days I have trouble coming up with things to say.

Today is not one of those days.

I've been getting a lot of texts, calls, comments and emails about this blog. Yesterday I got an email from my friend Sarah, who is sort of in the same boat as me. She and her friend Erin also started a blog about their experience. You can read it online here: ( http://www.twenty40.wordpress.com ) I LOVE their blog. It's really great that they are working together to lose weight and improve their health. It makes me sort of long to be on a team like that, to have that support system, someone who understands what you're going through picking you up when you fall down. Then I remember I have all of you, cheering me on. And I don't feel so lonesome anymore.

Anyway.

Erin made a post that really resonated with me. She thanked sarah basically for talking her through a tough moment, which she described as a "doughnut moment". She was really stressed out and just really was craving a gooey sugary fried piece of doughy goodness. It happens to the best of us. But when you're not skinny, or you're trying to lose weight, you have to force yourself to ignore those cravings. And it absolutely sucks.

Right now I am immensely stressed out. I have a massive evaluation today at work (the kind of evaluation that will determine whether I get a promotion or a pink slip) I have a million things to do for my sister's bridal shower, and I have some major decisions and work to do if I'm ever going to get an album off the ground. Part of me wants to be zen and say it's all going to work out. But that has never been me, and it probably will not ever be me. I need to stress and obsess over every single tiny detail until I am a giant ball of nerves on the day of the event, and then collapse as soon as it's over. That's sort of how I tend to operate.

And good grief do I want a piece of pizza.
Or, you know, an entire pizza.

This is my doughnut moment. My ledge that I need to be talked off of. I have literally been dreaming of pizza for the last 2 days. Writing little odes to the cheesy, oily, doughy salty delightfulness while I'm chewing sugar free gum and drinking massive amounts of water convincing myself I am not hungry. And I'm probably not hungry, I'm just stressed. And I want one of my go-to comfort foods. What's tough for me is that I have never craved sweets. I don't have a sweet tooth at all. If I did, it would be easy. The shakes are like drinking sweet chocolate milkshakes. But no. I have always craved savory snacks, and those are pretty much no-nos.

As it was, I sort of had a day where I was feeling particularly fat and unproductive yesterday. I ate pretzels (granted, they were 100 calorie unsalted pretzels, but still- no nutritional value whatsoever) and didn't work out. I cleaned my apartment pretty thoroughly but other than that I just sort of lazed around, watching tv and reading. And while that used to be my daily routine, now it leaves me feeling disappointed in myself. Remorseful. And feeling sad makes me want to eat even more. It's just bad news all around.

In her blog, Erin got through her "doughnut moment" by going and buying a nice gym bag instead. I could do something like that, but I really shouldnt be spending money on anything not work/bridal shower/basic human needs related. I don't have the time to work out today, with this evaluation coming up. I'm pretty much going to be living at work. So, any suggestions as to how to push through this? I'm open to pretty much anything to get out of this little funk, folks. Because little doughnut moments like this can make or break this entire commitment.

Week 2: 252.5
Breakfast- herbalife shake w/protein powder in milk, green tea
Snack 1- 100 calorie unsalted popcorn
Lunch- grilled lemon pepper chicken, 1/4 cup whole wheat pasta, 1/8 cup pasta sauce (organic, low sodium), 1 cucumber, sliced, green tea, lemon water
Snack 2- 1 plum, 1 100 calorie bag of unsalted pretzels
Dinner- Herbalife shake with protein powder in water

Also: multivitamins, cell activators, 6 80z glasses of water, b12 supplement

Excercise: none