013: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (and other lies we tell ourselves)

Hey all! So my final weigh in for this week has me losing 4 total inches off my various body areas, and 7 pounds total. This brings my weight to 147 (13 pounds total weight loss so far)

Hell fucking yeah.

I had a great workout this morning and then went to my meeting with josh for weigh and measure. He was pretty pleased, as was I. He even suggested that my metabolism would benefit from one cheat meal a week, as long as the portions are small. I've decided that meal will be mondays (since it gives me the most time to make up for it before the next weigh and measure).

You know what that means?

Pizza tomorrow.

I could do a happy dance. I know, it's sad to be that elated about pizza, but I am. And it's approved my nutrition coach so I dont even have to feel that badly about it!

Another thing happened during my weigh and measure. We were talking about my music ( http://www.reverbnation.com/ ) and how body image factors into that. And he said that, you know, whatever weight I'm at, I'm beautiful. I said thanks, and he raised an eyebrow.

"You know how beautiful you are, right?" He said.

Now. Don't get all up in arms. Josh is ubergay. He was simply stating his opinion. But the truth is, I don't know that. I haven't known or felt that I was pretty in a very, very long time, if ever. Because even when I was young an skinnier (a size 8/10 and biking 14 miles daily) I wanted to be thinner. I wanted to be a size zero. And sure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but personally I think that is bullshit. People have told me I'm pretty. Not many, but some. And it has never mattered. I always figure they are just being nice or polite or trying to get something from me. And that's because, if YOU don't know you're beautiful, it doesnt matter what the beholder thinks.

And furthermore, we put SO much emphasis on body size when we are assessing beauty. The girl that lives next door to my roommate and I once said a girl was so fat (And I saw this girl, by the way, she was maybe 1 or 2 sizes bigger than me) that it was hard to look at her.

How can anyone feel beautiful when they are invisible to the people around them, when people actually avoid looking at them?

And clothes shopping! Something I have dreaded since I was eleven. How the hell can you feel beautiful when you have to go to a "specialty" store (and pay 5 times what the same dress costs at a normal store) because none of the regular stores have your size?

Skinny people will never know how horrible this feels. How plus size women, even women like me who LOVE clothes will avoid mall trips, especially with skinny friends. You know what I do when I go into a normal store like Forever 21 with my roommate? I make a bee-line for the accssories. Scarves, hats, jewelry, purses. Things like that. I convinced myself I would rather shop for those things because I then didn't have to face the depressing reality that if I DID want to buy a dress in this store, I couldn't. Because it wouldn't fit me. So my friends are all happily trying on adorable sundresses and tops that I desperately want to wear, and I am wandering around the accessories and checking my watch and countingthe seconds til it is over and we can go somewhere where I am not as glaringly unattractive.

How can anyone feel pretty in that situation? It's like being slapped in the face by society with the knowledge that You don't look like what regular people are supposed to look like. You need to change.

And so, when someone doesn't feel like that. When they think you are perfect the way you are, it is hard to believe they are sincere or serious when you have all this empirical evidence to the contrary.

Anyway.

And yeah. I'm changing. And while I am partly doing it because you can only fight these situations for so long before you have to play ball, I am also doing it for myself.

Because I want so badly to feel beautiful. Even if it's just once.

...Who doesn't?

Week 3: 247 lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Lunch: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Snack: 1/4 cup strawberries
Dinner: 1 small pork chop, 1 cucumber

Also: 8 8oz glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators

Excercise: Ran 4.5 miles, 300 crunches, various arm and leg weight/resistance excercises