So today, I went to the March of Dimes. I was marching for a family friend whose son was born prematurely and with a genetic disorder. It was inspiring to see all of these people, all this solidarity. The families knew each other from years past, and were so looking out for each other. It was wonderful. And I was definitely impressed, and moved. These people have real things they are working through, overcoming, and they are not letting it get to him.
And I really do want to think positively. I would like to make that clear.
But this week, has absolutely. positively, without a doubt sucked.
I haven't done much differently. I go to the gym. I've pushed myself harder there. I've I watch just about every single mouthful of food that I consume. I am constantly exhausted, hungry, and miserable.
And then I went to Old Navy on a whim today. I had to get sandals for my sister's wedding next week. And I figured, what the hell, let's try on some clothes and see if anything fits.
And there was no change from when I tried on clothes three weeks ago. Same size. Same buttoning up but tightness.
And I lost it. Inside I wanted to jump up and down and scream and throw a world class temper tantrum. Because why the hell am I making myself miserable? Why am I killing myself at the gym? Why am I denying myself food? Why is my entire life consumed with this lifestyle of starvation and sweat and frustration if nothing is going to change? It all seems a little masochistic for me.
Without sounding dramatic, I feel like if I have another shitty weigh in this week, I am going to throw in the towel. I just don't see the point of this anymore. It's so hard. I know what you're thinking. "Come on, Jen. It will get better!" And maybe it will. But not today. Today if I have to look at one more salad or do one more crunch, I am going to go off, run around ripping up clothes that are smaller than a size 16, and slapping skinny girls in the face, pointing at them, and scowling. "You know what you did."
It's just not fair. The fact that some people can eat whatever they want and do no work and never climb above a size 8 or 10, while other people have to make huge sacrifices to be normal is one of life's little "fuck you's" to certain people. I could see if I wasn't trying, but I am trying SO hard. And it's just not fair.
I'm sorry for all of this ranting. I'm sorry for the lack of blog posts this week as well, but I've felt this way for the whole week, and I've been trying to avoid just this sort of post. But in a way I guess it's good. You guys deserve to see everything truthfully, you know?
I am off to have a girls night with my mom. It's going to be crazy. Lots of herbal tea and fruit salad. you know, cause I live like a rock star.
No comments:
Post a Comment