006: Why I eat.

Yesterday was great. I actually cooked dinner, since I had time after work and the gym. (see below). I was pretty excited to learn that whole wheat pasta tastes almost as good as regular pasta, and organic low sodium tomato sauce actually tastes better than the sauce I was using before. Score one for healthy choices.

Yesterday I kept pretty busy. After work I went to the gym, then I came home and did some pampering stuff, watched a movie while knitting, and then made dinner and went out to babysit my adoooorable nephew. Lots of sesame street and making funny noises. It was a pretty rock star Saturday night.

But I think it's important to
a)keep busy this month
and
b) not go out this month

Since I eat when I'm bored, and I drink when I'm bored. And since I am only just realizing now that most social rituals involve food. You go to the movies, you get popcorn. You go to a bar, you drink. You go out for dinner/brunch/coffee. You go to a ball game, you get a hot dog. And since I'm kind of incapable of just saying no right now, I've got to just sort of dedicate myself to the life of a hermit for a few weeks, detox, and then re-approach this rituals with a new outlook on food.

The other reason I eat is emotional. I eat when I'm stressed out, or sad, or upset. And yesterday afternoon I really wanted to eat. I won't go into details, I will just say that it's really hard when you have family members who blatently don't give a shit about you, except for when they are shaking your confidence. (And nobody can shake your confidence like your family). It's especially hard when you are continually trying to have a relationship with these people, and they just keep shutting you down. It's a little like repeatedly running into a brick wall. Except the brick wall is mean. And you can't walk away from the brick wall, because it's your family.

Everybody has people like this in their life. People you love who, whether they know it or not, hurt you on a regular basis. I don't think she does it on purpose, I think it's just the way she is. And it sucks because of course, I am so desperate for her approval that I keep coming back and basically asking for it.

So what do you do in that situation? I think it's important to cut negative energy and negative people out of your life. If someone doesn't appreciate you, you should pretty much tell them to kick rocks. Bye bye boyfriend, and if it's a friend then they're not friend at all. Peace out.

But how do you do that when you're related to the person?

For now, I think I'll just try to keep a polite distance. She doesn't like it when I call anyway. It'll be easy.

BUT! Focusing on the positive (my the secret friends will totally appreciate that), thank YOU for all your support and comments. I am so appreciative of all of it. It's amazing to know that anybody is reading this, and even more amazing that anybody is getting anything out of it. You guys are incredible, and just like some of you said that my words are inspiring, your words are keeping me going, writing this and losing all this weight is not easy! So thanks Shay, Jeff, Maggie, Marie, Becky, Jamie, Mom, and whoever else is checking in on this blog from time to time.

Today my coach is having a "shake party" to try some different flavors. I'm pretty psyched to try some new flavors. Not that chocolate and vanilla aren't doing it for me, but variety is the spice of life. And it's also going to keep me from throwing these shakes out the window and quitting in months to come.

Week 1: 255.5 lbs
Breakfast: shake w/protein powder in skim milk, green tea
Lunch: shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
snack 1: 100 calorie bag of popcorn
snack 2: 20 unsalted almonds and 1 small plum
Dinner: 1/2 cup whole wheat pasta, 2 fat free organic grilled chicken tenderloins with lemon and pepper, 1 small cucumber, sliced, 1/8 cup organic tomato sauce, lemon water (biggest meal I had all week and it was DELCIOUS)
Also: 6 8oz. glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 b12 supplement