004: Nobody makes passes at girls who wear glasses.

I am sick of talking about working out and dieting. I already am starting to feel like that is all I ever talk about, you know? I don't want to become one of those boring vapid, shallow people who has nothing interesting to contribute to the world.

So instead, let's talk about men.
Dudes. Guys. The male species.

I had a date last night.

I blew it off.

Why, you might ask?
Well, I just don't see the point.

Heres how it's going to go. You meet a guy online, or you are friends with a guy. Things are going great, you're laughing together and making plans. And then, it happens. He starts talking about how all he wants to do is find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you (I) find yourself (myself) thinking "Hey, I'm a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you are a fun, cute, well put together guy." So you pursue it. And then just as suddenly, the guy you were friends with, the guy you laughed with and talked with about deeply personal stuff is not returning even the most platonic of texts. Avoiding you.

I've become a connisseur of silences. Polite silences. Awkward silences. Shocked silences. But it all comes down to the same thing he doesn't want to say.

I want to find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl.

Who is skinny.

Because that's what it's really all about.

And it really used to piss me off, you know? You'd rather date a girl who treats you like crap, or who is batshit crazy, than a girl who is bigger than a size 10. How messed up are your priorities that dress size matters more than whether or not the girl can hold a conversation?

Then I learned that it's not their fault. Men are subconsciously attracted to women with a very specific waist to hip ratio, because subconsciously it is all about making babies and furthering their genetic line. And you know, wanting to be seen in public with their significant other is a big deal too.

That's not the only statistic either. Women who are thin are percieved to be more intellectual, more organized, and more fun. Whether or not you know that size six, just because she's skinny she's probably a better person. There's a whole psychological reason behind it that I won't delve into here. But trust me. It's true.

And then you convince yourself, fuck em. I don't want to be a part of this game. I am happy by myself. Invest your time in hobbies. Surround yourself with friends and family. Drink till you're sloppy and giggly. Anything to fill that void. But eventually you realize, you know you deserve better than this. And you want it.

I guess I just want to be the type of girl a guy wants to be seen with. I want to be the type of girl who gets approached in bars (by men under the age of 40), who gets phone numbers, and who is seen as the fun, organized, intellectual, nice, not crazy or bitchy person I really am.

I am just so tired of being invisible.

And while part of me feels like a sellout for changing myself like this, at some point in your life, you've got to play ball. You've got to accept the facts and statistics and work them to your advantage. So that's what I'm doing. And if it means being hungry for a little while, then whatever.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right?
You know, except pretty much all kinds of food.

Week 1: 158.5
Breakfast: breakfast shake (with skim milk) and aloe shot
Snack: 100 calorie bag of unsalted popcorn
Lunch: 1cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 1/2 cup blueberries, 20 unsalted almonds
Dinner: dinner shake (with water)

Plus 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 B12 supplement, and 7 8oz. glasses of water

Excercise: 30 minute walk with my client.

Weekend coming up. This should be interesting.