So, again, thanks so much to eveyone for your advice in overcoming my muscle strain. As someone who has never really worked out before now, it was really tough to get over it, but today I woke up and my legs felt quasi normal. I even was able to get back on my beloved eliptical machine, which is my favorite thing to workout on. Hopefully after my sister's wedding tomorrow I will officially be able to get back into my normal routine.
Still, even being injured and unable to really push myself this week, I did manage to lose 3 lbs. So I have lost 32 lbs total and have 88 left. 8 pounds until I'm a third of the way to my goal. And I've been working at this for less than 2 months. It's kind of crazy to think how quickly this is all going by. I was looking at some pictures at my mom's house from about 2 weeks before I started herbalife. I'm going to post them with some wedding photos this week. I didn't realize until I saw those picutres just how much my body has changed. I cannot say enough good things about herbalife. With a little moderate excercise its changing me, and my life so much.
Gosh, it's tough to blog when my mind is so bogged down with wedding stuff. The wedding will be interesting, having the chance to see a lot of people I haven't seen since before I started getting in shape. It will also be full of lots of delicious and alcoholic temptations. So for now, this teeny tiny mini blog will have to do. I will for sure write a more in depth one on Tuesday after the wedding.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
039: A little better all the time.
So since my last entry, I went to bed and had a nightmare that I went to my herbalife weigh in on Sunday and I had gained back 7 pounds and my coach yelled at me in front of everyone. This, of course, is completely irrational. I highly doubt that my coach would yell at me, and I highly doubt I have eaten enough to put on 7 pounds in a week. But I felt so guilty about hitting the drive through an not working out yesterday that my mind went crazy I guess.
Some of you think I'm too hard on myself. And maybe you're right. But the fact of the matter is, if I listened to my body, I would probably never go to the gym, or eat healthy. I'm still waiting for my mind and body to come around to this new way of thinking. It takes 3 months for your brain to adjust to change this big, and until then, I have to struggle and force myself to do it, or this house of cards adventure I'm on will be shot to shit. I am in this for the long haul.
Anyway. Today I woke up and my legs still hurt. Maybe not as badly as before, but still, really bad. Working out didn't seem to be an option, and with the wedding coming up and my recent slip, it HAD to be an option. I was trying to figure out what to do when I got some GREAT reader advice from Ryan at <a href="http://www.laidbackfitness.com">Laid Back Fitness</a>. I have been reading his blog and watching his videos. I really love the philosophy behind laid back fitness. Something that resonated with me was when he said that People don't go easily enough on themselves when they are having a light workout, and don't work out hard enough when they are pushing themselves. I think that's really true. I think that if I had been pushing myself hard enough in my self guided workouts, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. In any event, I took his advice and walked today, and tried to do maybe 60 percent of my workout. I worked out my arms and walked on the treadmill, and then took a steam bath to sweat out my toxins and some of that water weight I am sure I was holding onto from my unhealthy lunch. It felt really good. My legs seem to hurt less now and are cooperating a lot better than they were this morning, and while my heart rate was definitely not high enough, and I only burned probably 75 percent of the calories I normally do, but it was all I could do, and I accepted that. And it was better than staying home once again.
So all of this has led me to going in for a meet and greet at Laid Back Fitness, and maybe seeing about doing some personal training with them. I'm pretty excited. I hope it will be a good fit. Another reader pointed out that it's really tough to find a good trainer, in the same way that it's tough to find a good therapist. You need to find someone who understands exactly what you want to get out of it, what your limitations are, and what approach works best for you. Which is so true!
Tonight I also convinced my roommate and her boyfriend to eat a healthy dinner with me, which I considered a triumph since they are the biggest junk food junkies. Well, my roommate goes through alternating health nut and junk food phases. Her boyfriend just eats like a dude. I made a salad and some 150 calorie whole wheat pizzas, and they loved it. I was pretty psyched. It can definitely be tough coming home and having an herbalife shake while they are enjoying ice cream and pizza and mozzerella sticks on a (literally) nightly basis. But maybe they will come around and enjoy a salad with me every once ina while.
Ice cream is still more delicious.
This week, and the next three days will be a marathon of hair appointments, nail appointments, tanning, and last minute gym sessions, hoping to tone up just a smidge more before the wedding. And the wedding photos, which I will totally post with a hideous "before" photo so you guys can see if there's any difference. Thanks again for all of your gym/nutrition advice, and encouragement. (And thanks especially to Maggie for the lovely card!)
Some of you think I'm too hard on myself. And maybe you're right. But the fact of the matter is, if I listened to my body, I would probably never go to the gym, or eat healthy. I'm still waiting for my mind and body to come around to this new way of thinking. It takes 3 months for your brain to adjust to change this big, and until then, I have to struggle and force myself to do it, or this house of cards adventure I'm on will be shot to shit. I am in this for the long haul.
Anyway. Today I woke up and my legs still hurt. Maybe not as badly as before, but still, really bad. Working out didn't seem to be an option, and with the wedding coming up and my recent slip, it HAD to be an option. I was trying to figure out what to do when I got some GREAT reader advice from Ryan at <a href="http://www.laidbackfitness.com">Laid Back Fitness</a>. I have been reading his blog and watching his videos. I really love the philosophy behind laid back fitness. Something that resonated with me was when he said that People don't go easily enough on themselves when they are having a light workout, and don't work out hard enough when they are pushing themselves. I think that's really true. I think that if I had been pushing myself hard enough in my self guided workouts, then maybe this wouldn't have happened. In any event, I took his advice and walked today, and tried to do maybe 60 percent of my workout. I worked out my arms and walked on the treadmill, and then took a steam bath to sweat out my toxins and some of that water weight I am sure I was holding onto from my unhealthy lunch. It felt really good. My legs seem to hurt less now and are cooperating a lot better than they were this morning, and while my heart rate was definitely not high enough, and I only burned probably 75 percent of the calories I normally do, but it was all I could do, and I accepted that. And it was better than staying home once again.
So all of this has led me to going in for a meet and greet at Laid Back Fitness, and maybe seeing about doing some personal training with them. I'm pretty excited. I hope it will be a good fit. Another reader pointed out that it's really tough to find a good trainer, in the same way that it's tough to find a good therapist. You need to find someone who understands exactly what you want to get out of it, what your limitations are, and what approach works best for you. Which is so true!
Tonight I also convinced my roommate and her boyfriend to eat a healthy dinner with me, which I considered a triumph since they are the biggest junk food junkies. Well, my roommate goes through alternating health nut and junk food phases. Her boyfriend just eats like a dude. I made a salad and some 150 calorie whole wheat pizzas, and they loved it. I was pretty psyched. It can definitely be tough coming home and having an herbalife shake while they are enjoying ice cream and pizza and mozzerella sticks on a (literally) nightly basis. But maybe they will come around and enjoy a salad with me every once ina while.
Ice cream is still more delicious.
This week, and the next three days will be a marathon of hair appointments, nail appointments, tanning, and last minute gym sessions, hoping to tone up just a smidge more before the wedding. And the wedding photos, which I will totally post with a hideous "before" photo so you guys can see if there's any difference. Thanks again for all of your gym/nutrition advice, and encouragement. (And thanks especially to Maggie for the lovely card!)
Thursday, May 3, 2012
038: The trainer problem continues
Today. Sucked.
I wanted to go to the gym today but when I woke up, my back and legs were KILLING me. I could barely move. It's only gotten worse as the day has gone on. The little girl I work with was actually mocking how I walked today, because it was so funny and pathetic. The only relief I got was when I had ice or heat on my legs, and then it didn't last long. So getting on an eliptical wasn't really an option.
It's starting to sink in that maybe this is not my fault. I wonder how many other out of shape people are injured and abused by trainers who have probably never been heavy in thier lives and don't know how to train someone who isn't already in shape. I mean we didn't even stretch before the workout. My leg muscles are really pulled, and I really hope tomorrow with some ibuprofen that I can work out. I can't miss another day.
Today was also just really stressful. Wedding stuff. All hell breaking loose at work. And as usual I resorted to some less than healthy eating to get through the really crappy day. It just wasn't a day for a salad. I really hope I can make up for it in time for the weigh in on sunday. I really would like to, at worst, stay the same. And I feel like going to the gym is pretty important to that goal.
I wanted to go to the gym today but when I woke up, my back and legs were KILLING me. I could barely move. It's only gotten worse as the day has gone on. The little girl I work with was actually mocking how I walked today, because it was so funny and pathetic. The only relief I got was when I had ice or heat on my legs, and then it didn't last long. So getting on an eliptical wasn't really an option.
It's starting to sink in that maybe this is not my fault. I wonder how many other out of shape people are injured and abused by trainers who have probably never been heavy in thier lives and don't know how to train someone who isn't already in shape. I mean we didn't even stretch before the workout. My leg muscles are really pulled, and I really hope tomorrow with some ibuprofen that I can work out. I can't miss another day.
Today was also just really stressful. Wedding stuff. All hell breaking loose at work. And as usual I resorted to some less than healthy eating to get through the really crappy day. It just wasn't a day for a salad. I really hope I can make up for it in time for the weigh in on sunday. I really would like to, at worst, stay the same. And I feel like going to the gym is pretty important to that goal.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
037: Personal Trainers= sadists.
Well kids, today I met with my personal trainer.
I feel... well.... have any of you seen that episode of "How I Met Your Mother" where Barney Stinson runs in the New York Marathon without any preparation? I tried to find a clip of this on youtube, but could only find one dubbed in Italian or Spanish or something. Anyway. On a bet, Barney runs in the NYC marathon with no prep and actually finishes. Then later, he finds himself trapped on the subway when his legs don't work and he's sort of flailing around ridiculously trying to move his dead, tired legs. It's all very funny.
It's much less funny in real life however.
I can barely walk. I can barely move. I am currently writing this blog with a heating pad on my back hoping that this is gone in the morning, because I have shit to do. I legitimately contemplated crawling up the stairs to my apartment. The only thing that stopped me was how disgusting and ghetto my apartment stairwell is. No telling what diseases I might catch from that shit.
Anyway, let me back up.
Today I finally got a chance to do a fitness assessment and 1/2 hour training session with a personal trainer at my gym. My trainer, Nick, looked visibly disappointed to see a fat person walking towards his desk this morning, but I think he truly perked up when I told him I go to the gym 5 days a week and have lost 30 lbs in 6 weeks. We talked a bit about my workout habits, my goals, and my diet, and then hit the gym.
Holy. Crap.
I know he meant well asking how I felt after every excercise, and how every excercise felt. But finally, I felt the need to tell him, when he asked how kettlebell lunges felt, "Hard! They are effing hard and they hurt!" Come on. As a trainer, you have to know that. He even went so far as to say that most people can't finish the first session, adn that he was really impressed that I could. And I mean, I did finish it. But I think my legs might actually shrivel up and break off, so I guess there was some compromises involved.
We did lunges and squats galore. We did a lot of ab work, including this one form of crunches where my legs are in teh air at a 90 degree angle and he puts weights on my calves before I do the crunches. I kid you not. Who the hell thought that was a good idea? What crazy sadistic asshole found himself thinking "let's stack weights on peoples shins and see if they can still do crunches. That would be a good idea."
People at the gym suck for thinking things like this. Personal trainers especially suck.
I really really hope I haven't seriously fucked up my back or legs. I need to keep working out to get in the best possible shape before this wedding that I'm going to be in on monday. That's when I will be taking pictures, for those of you who keep asking me when you'll get to see pictures. I still don't really see a huge difference, but people are starting to notice, so maybe you will too. I hope you will. The camera does add 5 lbs, you know. My hopes are not super high. And again, thanks so much for continuing to read. The fact that anyone is reading this is seriously keeping me going and keeping me accountable on days when I want to quit. You guys rule.
Also, does anybody have any better remedies for pulled muscles in your back and legs than heat? I really want to get back out there tomorrow. And at the moment that does not seem like a possibility. Damn trainers.
I feel... well.... have any of you seen that episode of "How I Met Your Mother" where Barney Stinson runs in the New York Marathon without any preparation? I tried to find a clip of this on youtube, but could only find one dubbed in Italian or Spanish or something. Anyway. On a bet, Barney runs in the NYC marathon with no prep and actually finishes. Then later, he finds himself trapped on the subway when his legs don't work and he's sort of flailing around ridiculously trying to move his dead, tired legs. It's all very funny.
It's much less funny in real life however.
I can barely walk. I can barely move. I am currently writing this blog with a heating pad on my back hoping that this is gone in the morning, because I have shit to do. I legitimately contemplated crawling up the stairs to my apartment. The only thing that stopped me was how disgusting and ghetto my apartment stairwell is. No telling what diseases I might catch from that shit.
Anyway, let me back up.
Today I finally got a chance to do a fitness assessment and 1/2 hour training session with a personal trainer at my gym. My trainer, Nick, looked visibly disappointed to see a fat person walking towards his desk this morning, but I think he truly perked up when I told him I go to the gym 5 days a week and have lost 30 lbs in 6 weeks. We talked a bit about my workout habits, my goals, and my diet, and then hit the gym.
Holy. Crap.
I know he meant well asking how I felt after every excercise, and how every excercise felt. But finally, I felt the need to tell him, when he asked how kettlebell lunges felt, "Hard! They are effing hard and they hurt!" Come on. As a trainer, you have to know that. He even went so far as to say that most people can't finish the first session, adn that he was really impressed that I could. And I mean, I did finish it. But I think my legs might actually shrivel up and break off, so I guess there was some compromises involved.
We did lunges and squats galore. We did a lot of ab work, including this one form of crunches where my legs are in teh air at a 90 degree angle and he puts weights on my calves before I do the crunches. I kid you not. Who the hell thought that was a good idea? What crazy sadistic asshole found himself thinking "let's stack weights on peoples shins and see if they can still do crunches. That would be a good idea."
People at the gym suck for thinking things like this. Personal trainers especially suck.
I really really hope I haven't seriously fucked up my back or legs. I need to keep working out to get in the best possible shape before this wedding that I'm going to be in on monday. That's when I will be taking pictures, for those of you who keep asking me when you'll get to see pictures. I still don't really see a huge difference, but people are starting to notice, so maybe you will too. I hope you will. The camera does add 5 lbs, you know. My hopes are not super high. And again, thanks so much for continuing to read. The fact that anyone is reading this is seriously keeping me going and keeping me accountable on days when I want to quit. You guys rule.
Also, does anybody have any better remedies for pulled muscles in your back and legs than heat? I really want to get back out there tomorrow. And at the moment that does not seem like a possibility. Damn trainers.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
036:Suntans, smiles, and the injustice of shrinking tits.
Well kids, tanning sucks. I am not that tan, and my skin is insanely dry. I feel like I might need to contact Pauly D directly and ask for advice.
Other than my skin hurting from being so dry, today was good. I got in a really good workout. I can really feel my arms, legs, and abs getting stronger. My lower abs continue to give me troubles, but I am meeting with a personal trainer to work on that specific area tomorrow, so that should be good. And by good I mean tears/vomit inducing. But still productive.
Then today, on my way out of my office at work, one of the women from the shelter, who I see from time to time coming to our food pantry, yelled out of her car window "Sugar, you look fabulous! What's your secret?"
I told her, and she was super congratulatory. Granted this woman was probably drunk, high, or some combination of the two (she is the same woman who I once kicked out of the food pantry for being too drunk, and she kissed me on the mouth) but it was still nice to hear that people are noticing.
Oh, and I'm sure many of you are curious to know about the dress fitting. My dress fits like a glove almost everywhere. The only place where it's a bit loose is the tits region. This is a problem since it's actually a strapless dress. But this was sort of to be expected, since I did lose 1.25 inches off my bust this week.
Can I just say that I think this is one of those incredibly unfair "fuck you's" from the universe? As heavy ladies go, there is not much we've all got going for us. The one thing we all seem to be endowed with is an ample rack. And then, we decide to tone up a little, and before all the areas we WANT to shrink get smaller, the one area we want to stay the same shrinks. Eff that. My whole family is an a/b cup and I've really enjoyed being the lone C cup. But it looks like washboard chestville is where I'm headed, and fast.
Anyway, this is a smidge disjointed tonight, since I'm rather sleepy, but I wanted to keep you all posted. Hopefully things will die down after this wedding and I can get back to a more well organized routine. For now though, I just want to say thanks to the people who are still reading along with me, and to the ladies I know out there who are working hard, keep up the good work! Especially Sarah of http://www.twenty40.wordpress.com and stacy of http://www.ohhellostacy.blogspot.com . You ladies inspire me!
Other than my skin hurting from being so dry, today was good. I got in a really good workout. I can really feel my arms, legs, and abs getting stronger. My lower abs continue to give me troubles, but I am meeting with a personal trainer to work on that specific area tomorrow, so that should be good. And by good I mean tears/vomit inducing. But still productive.
Then today, on my way out of my office at work, one of the women from the shelter, who I see from time to time coming to our food pantry, yelled out of her car window "Sugar, you look fabulous! What's your secret?"
I told her, and she was super congratulatory. Granted this woman was probably drunk, high, or some combination of the two (she is the same woman who I once kicked out of the food pantry for being too drunk, and she kissed me on the mouth) but it was still nice to hear that people are noticing.
Oh, and I'm sure many of you are curious to know about the dress fitting. My dress fits like a glove almost everywhere. The only place where it's a bit loose is the tits region. This is a problem since it's actually a strapless dress. But this was sort of to be expected, since I did lose 1.25 inches off my bust this week.
Can I just say that I think this is one of those incredibly unfair "fuck you's" from the universe? As heavy ladies go, there is not much we've all got going for us. The one thing we all seem to be endowed with is an ample rack. And then, we decide to tone up a little, and before all the areas we WANT to shrink get smaller, the one area we want to stay the same shrinks. Eff that. My whole family is an a/b cup and I've really enjoyed being the lone C cup. But it looks like washboard chestville is where I'm headed, and fast.
Anyway, this is a smidge disjointed tonight, since I'm rather sleepy, but I wanted to keep you all posted. Hopefully things will die down after this wedding and I can get back to a more well organized routine. For now though, I just want to say thanks to the people who are still reading along with me, and to the ladies I know out there who are working hard, keep up the good work! Especially Sarah of http://www.twenty40.wordpress.com and stacy of http://www.ohhellostacy.blogspot.com . You ladies inspire me!
Monday, April 30, 2012
035: Gym Tan Laundry (in which our heroine turns into a guidette)
So first of all, I suppose I need to eat a little humble pie for my last entry. The truth is, not every day is going to be sunshine and roses, skipping merrily to my workouts and grinning at the delicious bowl of baby spinach and cucumber slices I call "lunch". I'm going to have days like Saturday. But I push through them.
Sunday I picked up my sister, Pegga, early and we went to the gym. I was determined to get in one more workout before my weigh in. I overslept, so I had to cut everything in half essentially, but I did my best in the situation. Then I went tanning for a little while. I only tan for 2 minutes, and I put some sunscreen on my face, because I am maybe the whitest white girl you will ever meet. I mean, my last NAME is white, for gosh sakes. Still, I wanted to get a little color before my sister's wedding. Everyone in the bridal party is like a size 2 and has a natrually tan complexion. I didn't want to stand out as the chubby albino chick in the wdding party, you know?
On my way back from my weigh in, Ia lso picked up my laundry. This makes me giggle a little since, like my rhode island neighbor pauly d, I am now GTLing on the regular. I think I might work on my poof and get some breast implants and try out for the next season on the jersey shore. Snookies pregnant, so they must need a replacement, right?
Oh, and I lost 5 lbs. So I'm at just under 30. So there's that. Josh (my coach) was really happy. He also said that a lot of his clients have been reading my blog and like it. So, hello to Josh's neighbors/herbalife clients! I hope I get to meet all of you at the next weigh in!
Anyway. Last night, I went to a place where I hang out a lot. Or where I used to hang out before I started hiding from all sorts of social situations that involved eating or drinking (and trust me, there are a lot). I am pretty proud of the fact that I drank water all night. Water and green tea. I was also pretty happy that people are starting to take notice of the changes I'm making in my body. Yesterday was affirming that all of this hard work is not for nothing.
This morning, I am meeting with the woman who is altering my dress, again. Having lost another 5 lbs and 2.5 inches off my body, I'm sure she's going to be pissed.
I cannot effing wait.
Sunday I picked up my sister, Pegga, early and we went to the gym. I was determined to get in one more workout before my weigh in. I overslept, so I had to cut everything in half essentially, but I did my best in the situation. Then I went tanning for a little while. I only tan for 2 minutes, and I put some sunscreen on my face, because I am maybe the whitest white girl you will ever meet. I mean, my last NAME is white, for gosh sakes. Still, I wanted to get a little color before my sister's wedding. Everyone in the bridal party is like a size 2 and has a natrually tan complexion. I didn't want to stand out as the chubby albino chick in the wdding party, you know?
On my way back from my weigh in, Ia lso picked up my laundry. This makes me giggle a little since, like my rhode island neighbor pauly d, I am now GTLing on the regular. I think I might work on my poof and get some breast implants and try out for the next season on the jersey shore. Snookies pregnant, so they must need a replacement, right?
Oh, and I lost 5 lbs. So I'm at just under 30. So there's that. Josh (my coach) was really happy. He also said that a lot of his clients have been reading my blog and like it. So, hello to Josh's neighbors/herbalife clients! I hope I get to meet all of you at the next weigh in!
Anyway. Last night, I went to a place where I hang out a lot. Or where I used to hang out before I started hiding from all sorts of social situations that involved eating or drinking (and trust me, there are a lot). I am pretty proud of the fact that I drank water all night. Water and green tea. I was also pretty happy that people are starting to take notice of the changes I'm making in my body. Yesterday was affirming that all of this hard work is not for nothing.
This morning, I am meeting with the woman who is altering my dress, again. Having lost another 5 lbs and 2.5 inches off my body, I'm sure she's going to be pissed.
I cannot effing wait.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
034: Marathons and Temper tantrums
So today, I went to the March of Dimes. I was marching for a family friend whose son was born prematurely and with a genetic disorder. It was inspiring to see all of these people, all this solidarity. The families knew each other from years past, and were so looking out for each other. It was wonderful. And I was definitely impressed, and moved. These people have real things they are working through, overcoming, and they are not letting it get to him.
And I really do want to think positively. I would like to make that clear.
But this week, has absolutely. positively, without a doubt sucked.
I haven't done much differently. I go to the gym. I've pushed myself harder there. I've I watch just about every single mouthful of food that I consume. I am constantly exhausted, hungry, and miserable.
And then I went to Old Navy on a whim today. I had to get sandals for my sister's wedding next week. And I figured, what the hell, let's try on some clothes and see if anything fits.
And there was no change from when I tried on clothes three weeks ago. Same size. Same buttoning up but tightness.
And I lost it. Inside I wanted to jump up and down and scream and throw a world class temper tantrum. Because why the hell am I making myself miserable? Why am I killing myself at the gym? Why am I denying myself food? Why is my entire life consumed with this lifestyle of starvation and sweat and frustration if nothing is going to change? It all seems a little masochistic for me.
Without sounding dramatic, I feel like if I have another shitty weigh in this week, I am going to throw in the towel. I just don't see the point of this anymore. It's so hard. I know what you're thinking. "Come on, Jen. It will get better!" And maybe it will. But not today. Today if I have to look at one more salad or do one more crunch, I am going to go off, run around ripping up clothes that are smaller than a size 16, and slapping skinny girls in the face, pointing at them, and scowling. "You know what you did."
It's just not fair. The fact that some people can eat whatever they want and do no work and never climb above a size 8 or 10, while other people have to make huge sacrifices to be normal is one of life's little "fuck you's" to certain people. I could see if I wasn't trying, but I am trying SO hard. And it's just not fair.
I'm sorry for all of this ranting. I'm sorry for the lack of blog posts this week as well, but I've felt this way for the whole week, and I've been trying to avoid just this sort of post. But in a way I guess it's good. You guys deserve to see everything truthfully, you know?
I am off to have a girls night with my mom. It's going to be crazy. Lots of herbal tea and fruit salad. you know, cause I live like a rock star.
And I really do want to think positively. I would like to make that clear.
But this week, has absolutely. positively, without a doubt sucked.
I haven't done much differently. I go to the gym. I've pushed myself harder there. I've I watch just about every single mouthful of food that I consume. I am constantly exhausted, hungry, and miserable.
And then I went to Old Navy on a whim today. I had to get sandals for my sister's wedding next week. And I figured, what the hell, let's try on some clothes and see if anything fits.
And there was no change from when I tried on clothes three weeks ago. Same size. Same buttoning up but tightness.
And I lost it. Inside I wanted to jump up and down and scream and throw a world class temper tantrum. Because why the hell am I making myself miserable? Why am I killing myself at the gym? Why am I denying myself food? Why is my entire life consumed with this lifestyle of starvation and sweat and frustration if nothing is going to change? It all seems a little masochistic for me.
Without sounding dramatic, I feel like if I have another shitty weigh in this week, I am going to throw in the towel. I just don't see the point of this anymore. It's so hard. I know what you're thinking. "Come on, Jen. It will get better!" And maybe it will. But not today. Today if I have to look at one more salad or do one more crunch, I am going to go off, run around ripping up clothes that are smaller than a size 16, and slapping skinny girls in the face, pointing at them, and scowling. "You know what you did."
It's just not fair. The fact that some people can eat whatever they want and do no work and never climb above a size 8 or 10, while other people have to make huge sacrifices to be normal is one of life's little "fuck you's" to certain people. I could see if I wasn't trying, but I am trying SO hard. And it's just not fair.
I'm sorry for all of this ranting. I'm sorry for the lack of blog posts this week as well, but I've felt this way for the whole week, and I've been trying to avoid just this sort of post. But in a way I guess it's good. You guys deserve to see everything truthfully, you know?
I am off to have a girls night with my mom. It's going to be crazy. Lots of herbal tea and fruit salad. you know, cause I live like a rock star.
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