066: Ciders and Setbacks and Loving who you are (no matter what)

Hey out there! I am determined to keep up with this, since blogging also helps me keep up with my routine.

(not that I kept up with my routine very well in the last three days- but once again I am getting ahead of myself)

So on Monday, all was good. I tried some tuna steak and didn't die, I worked out, I was on track. But of course, things like that never last.

Also on Monday morning, I had a child at my inclusion daycare center become violent and had to restrain him. Because we are short staffed, I was by myself and had to carry this child to the door soI could open it and tell the receptionist to call me some backup. This meant restraining/carrying the child in a way I normally would not have done so that I didn't hurt him in transport. I should also point out that this child, while only in 3rd grade is as tall as me, weighs easily over 100 lbs and is all muscle. He was also struggling to get out of the hold pretty hard.

In short, my arms got a fucking workout.

I didn't work my arms that night at the gym, did cardio, legs, and abs only.

But then when I woke up the next morning, my left arm felt funny. Like I had slept on it the wrong way. As the morning went on it got more tight and painful, to the point that by noon I had almost no range of motion in my left arm, and was in excruciating pain whenever I moved it at all. I'm pretty sure I have tendonitis in my left shoulder. Ice and Ibuprophen have become my best friends over the last few days.

But obviously I haven't worked out.

I stuck mostly to my diet plan over the last few days though, with a few notable exceptions. I had a work event on Wednesday, during which I was already planning on not sticking to my diet plan. My organization does family stye chicken dinners EXCLUSIVELY at alll events. I think this is a rhode island thing, since nobody else has ever seemed to know what this is. So I will tell you. Essentially it's big huge platters of salad (which always has dressing on it already. Dressing is gross. I don't eat vegetables with dressing. Gross gross gross.) pasta, chicken, and potatoes. Not exactly the healthiest dinner ever.

Then last night I was quite proud of myself for staying on track all day, but then in 90 minutes my day went to shit. I got in the stupidest car accident ever. The other driver was mean and old and mean. Then my keys to my apartment wouldn't work. So I found myself on the pizza and alcoholic cider train pretty damn fast. Stress eating  is a thing.

And today I am back on track. For now, anyway.

But I found a blogger that really got me thinking. A friend of  mine posted a link to TheMilitant Baker . She is essentially a chubby lady who is perfectly happy just the way she is. And that's great. I am happy for anyone who is happy the way they are, but it really is a tough concept for me to reconcile. I particularly had a tough time with her entry titled "What the fuck is no diet talk?" because she's basically saying everything I am doing is wrong.

Here's the thing. When I am on a diet, I am way more conscious of what I am putting in my mouth on a regular basis. Thus, I feel healthier, I have more energy, and I am slimmer. I don't think I am supposed to be a size 2, but I also definitely don't think I am supposed to be a size 22 either. There were some interesting points though. The MB (militant baker) talks a lot about intuitive eating, which is the idea of eating following no rules and allowing your body's desire to eat to govern what/when/how you eat. There's one problem with that. What if eating intuitively means you eat crap food whenever you want, and really little/nothing else? It just seems a little impossible, unless you already have healthy eating habits, which I don't. I'm certainly not denying myself having something that falls outside the category of nutritious ALL the time, but when you are used to saying yes to whatever, you need to deny yourself now and again, I think. You need to get yourself in the routine of making healthier choices, and then it will (hopefully?) BECOME routine. That being said, I've never quite gotten there, but I know it will happen. Eventually.

She also writes about how the media makes fat people hate themselves and isolates them from the mainstream to further perpetuate the need for diet products. Blah blah blah conspiracy theory conspiracy theory conspiracy theory.

But I feel like this lady is doing just as much a disservice as people who say you HAVE to lose weight. This girl almost makes it seem like there's something wrong with you if you want to get healthier, because you're buying into the big corporate government machine.  Dont lose weight! Stay fat! You have to love yourself no matter what!

Please note, I agree with loving yourself no matter what, but we should always be on a quest to be the best we can be, right? And if you FEEL like crap, why should you decide to stay fat? Because it's easier? To prove a political point? That's just as stupid as saying it's wrong to be fat in the first place.

I don't speak for all fat women everywhere, the way this woman claims to, but I speak for myself. I know that when I am heavier, I have no energy, I'm bummed out all the time, I feel sick more often, and I have no self confidence. This is what works for me. Exercising, eating more consciously, and trying to change my body to something that FEELS better. And if it looks better in a skirt, then that's the icing on the cake. And I do mean cake. Because a little junk food now and then never hurt anyone. :)

I mean, what do YOU think? Is there a point at which everyone is just supposed to say "fuck it", and embrace their size? Should everyone just eat intuitively when/what they want, all the time, no matter what? Am I wrong in thinking that I should be getting my ass to the gym and eating better? Or should we all love ourselves, but continue to work towards being the best possible version of ourselves, both for ourselves and others?

Sorry if this blog is a little rambly, I'm sort of in the weeds on this.

065: Trying New Things, Kicking Ass, Taking Names

Hey! So, yesterday was day two, and it was a really big test as to whether or not I can actually make this work. Yesterday my day started when my alarm went off at 5:45am. From that time until 8:30, when I returned to my boyfriend's house, I did not stop moving. I worked 3 different shifts at 2 different jobs, and in my free time (meaning the hour I had to myself between job 2 and second shift of job 1) I had to run a bunch of errands. Normally this would mean one thing: Next stop, drive thru city! But I made a point to plan out my meals (like I did today), and actually stuck to my plan, which was awesome. And I already am finding I am less tired, and have more energy when I'm eating better.

I even went to the gym after my 12 hour day, which I am especially proud of. Granted, I did a shorter, modified version of my full workout routine, but it was still totally worth it. Better than nothing, right? Usually I do the elliptical, but last night i did the treadmill. I haven't done the treadmill in a while, and using it raised some questions. More specifically, HOW THE HELL DO YOU RUN ON A TREADMILL? I see girls/guys doing this all the time, and I want to scream this question at them. I can walk pretty fast on the treadmill, and it''s comfortable. I want to add more speed, but I can't seem to get used to the rhythm of running on a treadmill. I always get this terrifying feeling that I am one misstep away from being on America's Funniest HomeVideos. Seriously. And yet, the girl next to me was happily jogging away like it was nothing. I want to jog! Maybe I will just stick to the elliptical. I can go as fast as I want that way.

So after the gym (and showering at the gym, which I've never done but managed to get ready in half the time it takes me at home), I went to my boyfriend's house, where he had decided to cook dinner. Because he is awesome.

Now those of you who actually know me will know that I am VERY picky. I stick to a handful of things and really don't eat anything beyond that. I know what I like, and I don't see the point of changing it.This can be tough, since pretty much all the things I like aren't all that healthy, so when I am trying to make healthy lifestyle changes, my choices are pretty limited. And one can only eat so many baby carrots and pieces of grilled chicken with spinach.

I always figured I didn't really like fish because it smelled so.... fishy. Why anyone would put canned tuna fish in their mouth when it smells the way it does still kind of baffles me. But my boyfriend is pretty persistent, so I figured I would finally try some fish that he was cooking. I was feeling good, and adventurous, and figured why not? Last night he made Ahi Tuna Steaks seasoned with lemon pepper. And they were awesome. I was fully prepared to NOT like them, but it was delicious, and not fishy at all. I could eat that on a regular basis, which is great, since the department of health recommends integrating fish twice a week as part of a healthy diet. Apparently fish is full of all kinds of healthy things that your body needs. Who knew! I may even try other fishes or fish recipes that don't taste too fishy. Any suggestions?

So now Ive made it through 2 days. My muscles hurt, but aside from that I'm feeling REALLY good.

Week 1- Day 2
Breakfast- protein shake (6:30am)
Snack- 20 unsalted almonds (9:30am)
Snack 2- Banana (12:30pm)
Lunch-  Protein Shake (1:30pm)
Snack 3- 3 cups smartpop (4pm)
Dinner- Ahi tuna steak and green beans

Plus- 3 Liters of water, multivitamin, and b12 supplement

Gym: 35 minutes on treadmill, 10 reps of 10 crunches

064: Don't call it a comeback.

So. I've decided I need to get back to doing this every day, among other things. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start 9 months ago, back at my last blog.

Around that time I met my boyfriend, and things have been amazing. My work life has been pretty fulfilling, I've been gigging fairly regularly, and I've been dating the same guy ever since. I couldn't be happier. So obviously, cue the weight gain!

There's a lot of factors that led me here. I cut my hours at my second job when I started dating someone, so I couldn't afford herbalife anymore. I have since found that that was a blessing in disguise, as my body still doesnt really digest things normally anymore. Also, I did a lot more research into herbalife and found out that it had been linked to so many health problems. I guess all that easy weight loss came with a price that I don't think I will ever pay again.

HOLIDAY WEIGHT IS A THING.

Then there was the holidays. And we all know holiday weight gain is a thing. I researched this. Various media sources have put the average at 5 pounds during november and december, with many citing that a lot of people gain 7-10 pounds during the holidays.

I gained 12.

RELATIONSHIP WEIGHT IS A THING.

So in January, I said I was going to get back on track. But I didn't, really. It didn't last, for a myriad of reasons. The first being that I didn't have this blog to hold me accountable every day. The second was that it is REALLY hard to get up and go to the gym, especially on the weekends, when you've got someone to snuggle with instead. Relationship weight is a THING. Especially in a happy relationship. When you go out, you eat. And when the other person eats what they want, it seems more acceptable to order what you want. Suddenly you've got this person who loves you just the way you are, which makes it really hard to motivate yourself to change at all. It's a good feeling, a really good feeling, but then you turn around and you're 24 pounds heavier than you were in September, and you're back to hating the way clothes fit and the way you look in pictures (eek!).

But worse than that, I FEEL like crap. I am sluggish, I have no energy, my stomach is constantly turning. I'm winded where I wasn't winded before- I mean, it's nothing like it was last March when I started herbalife. I can climb a hill or a flight of stairs without feeling like I might die. But it's a slippery slope, and I know if I don't do something, that is where I am headed again.

And I'm not EVER going back there again.

So I'm back to blogging, back to the gym, back to eating healthy. My parents and a few friends have had a LOT of success with weightwatchers, but I really don't think that will work for me. Too many choices. And when I am faced with a choice, I tend to make the wrong one? I mean, really, between salad and pizza, who really WANTS to choose salad? All those skinny bitches are just choosing it to be snooty. I'm set with that.

I'm doing slimfast shakes. A shake diet just really works better for me because of my busy lifestyle. If I have stuff to make shakes in my car all the time, I really don't have an excuse to eat something else. 6 days a week, this is  just what I'm going to do. It's super regimented, and will not last forever, but it will work for now. In the meantime, I'm also giving up drinking alcohol (helloooooo delicious cidery liquid calories), and we (my boyfriend and I) are going to start cooking more at home, and eating healthier. Because  if there's one thing I'm really sure of, it's that when you're dating someone, you need to be on the same page. And he's at a point where he wants to get in better shape too, so it should be easier for us to support each other, right?

Diet Day One: Going to the Carnival wasn't a smart idea.

 So I started yesterday. Yesterday was the first day of back to basics. And I did pretty well. There are a lot of manageable, easy things that help this transition. I drank way more than the recommended 8 8oz glasses of water, which kept me from feeling hungry all day. I stuck to the 3-2-1 plan pretty solidly too. the 3-2-1 is: three snacks, 2 shakes, 1 meal. More on that later. But yeah I didn't feel hungry all day. I did have a del's though. And a couple of bites of my boyfriend's doughboy at the carnival. Really, going to the carnival on day one of a diet may be the stupidest thing I have ever done. Any place that serves deep fried oreos probably isn't known for its healthy snack choices. 

Back to the Gym, Day One: Feel the burn!

Also, I went back to the gym yesterday. I did 40 minutes of cardio on the eliptical, and then 240 reps of leg excercises, 250 crunches, and 60 reps of arm excercises with weights. My friend Ian is actually a certified personal trainer, and he suggests that for toning/weight loss you need less weight, more reps. He recommends at LEAST once circuit of 12 reps of 10. That said, even when I worked out EVERY DAY I couldn't do 12 reps of 10 on my arms. I'm just kind of a weakling. But you do what you can, and really I managed to stick to my old routine pretty closely, with the exception of cutting 5 minutes off the end of my cardio. TIP: You really need to do at least 45 minutes of cardio focused on keeping your heart rate up for it to be beneficial. Then your body continues to burn at a higher rate for the rest of the day. So I was close. Today I will do it. End Result: I felt a little like death, but I hit the sauna afterwards and did some stretching in the heat, which really helps keep my muscles from completely freezing up and hurting. I am definitely going to be able to hit the gym again today. My friends who go to the gym: What do you do at the gym? How often do you go? I'm looking to change up my old routine. Also, I have unlimited free guest passes at my  gym if you want to work out, let me know! This sort of thing is always better with friends! 

The biggest challenge I'm facing is that my schedule is much more erratic than it was last year. There's something to be said for starting a diet and excercise regimen when you are single and hating your life. You can really just focus on work and working out and nothing else. Now my work schedule is all over the place so I can't necessarily always work out during the day, and I don't want to work out during too many nights, since I've got something worth going home to now. I do want to try to go to the gym at LEAST 5 days a week though, maybe 6. When do you work out? Morning? Night? 

So, to recap:

Day one 

Breakfast: Shake (10:30am)

Snack 1: Orange (11am)

Snack 2: Granola Bar (after the gym at 1:30pm)
Lunch: Grilled chicken and spinach, no dressing (2:45pm)
Del's Lemonade (4pm)
Dinner: Shake (5:15pm)
Snack 3: 3cups of smartpopcorn (5:30pm)

Plus: a daily multivitamin, a B12 supplement, and a shit ton of water. Approximately a shit ton.

Plus 2 hours at the gym. BOOM.

Now the real test will be if I post tomorrow. Let's all keep our collective fingers crossed, mmmkay?

 

063: boys, body image, and back to blogging (well, not really)

I know what you're thinking.

You haven't heard from me in a month. The last time this happened, I had fallen off the wagon with my eating/excercising routine, gained ten pounds, had an absolute anxiety attack, and ditched my coach. It was dark times. So you must be wondering, you handful of people who actually still read this "has she fallen off the wagon again?"

Nope! In the words of one of my elementary schoolers "Boombah!"
I have continued to lose weight pretty steadily, although its more like a pound or two a week. Sometimes I stay the same too. Someone said to me that it's important that I can look at that as success and be happy with it.

And I am. I really really am. I don't even have to "look at it as success", because it IS success. Every pound lost is a victory, and this is the healthy way to lose weight. Losing 7-10 pounds a week is not sustainable long term, and is really bad for you. Losing 1-2 lbs a week is good, and it's had great results I havent experienced with that more major weight loss. For instance, I'm starting to notice some awesome muscle definition in my abs and arms (halfway to a six pack, whaaaaat?) which is reassuring because I was really worried that that skin wouldn't snap back because I was losing weight too quickly and not gaining anymuscle. So I am happy. REally really happy.

I won't lie and say it's been easy, because especially with the change in routine as my schedule as moved back to school year split shifts, I am struggling, especially with the food schedule. But my coach has been AMAZING at keeping me on track, keeping up with me via text messages weekly,and giving me pep talks when I am struggling. It just re-affirms to me that I made the right choice in switching. Marie speaks my language and while I have definitely not stuck to the diet 100 percent, she encourages me to find healthy ways to maintain this as a LIFESTYLE, not some crazy fad diet that I'm going to do for 6 months and then go back to my old ways.

What has worked for me in the last month, really, has been keeping pretty strictly with my diet during the week, excercising when I can, and letting loose on the weekends. Work hard, play hard right?

I guess that's really why I haven't updated lately. I've been so busy enjoying my life that I forgot to tell everyone all about it. It seems to be a lot easier to write here when I NEED to, when things are bad and I need to put it all out there and see what bounces back in the way of advice and encouragement (which you are all amazing at), but when things are going good, well, I'm just a little too busy to share all the good news.

Aside from work changing, I have been making a concentrated effort to be better at getting together with friends. Typically after work/working out, I am so sleepy that my bed and a movie are really the only things I have any interest in. I'm also really trying to get back into music. The album has stalled, and that's okay. I really don't have the chutzpah to get it all in line with everything else going on right now. I am, however, playing out a lot more and writing a bunch. And there's something to be said for that.

Oh, and I've been dating.

That's what I really wanted to write about here, I suppose. Dating. Guys are an incredibly good motivator to staying on track with this whole weight loss thing, for a lot of reasons. I think the biggest is my Self-esteem. I have had pretty low self-esteem when it came to guys, for pretty much my whole life. Lots of rejection in high school led to lots of me dating the wrong guys as I got older- guys who didn't necessarily always treat me very well or who weren't what I needed- guys I hung onto for way too long because in the back of my mind, I thought it was at least better than being alone. Because maybe this was the best I could do, you know? I think I figured nobody would want me because I didn't see a person anyone would possibly find attractive. But now, I feel genuinely good about myself on the outside, which has sort of helped me feel better about all of the stuff on the inside too, you know? The outside is just a shell, but I needed a little more confidence in it if I was going to LET anybody see the rest.

And it wasn't just that. I think my body image kept me from talking to guys, but it also kept me from dressing up (which I love love love to do now), and gave me a pretty fair amount of anxiety about sleeping with someone. I wasn't anxious about sex, I was anxious about being naked. In front of another person. If you're not a size 0, I know you know what I mean. And it took me a long time to realize that EVERYONE is insecure about their bodies. I felt like it was just me struggling with this, and, being the neurotic ridiculous person that I was, I let it control my dating life. Trying to think of ways to sleep with a guy without him having to see you take your clothes off is EXHAUSTING. And the thought of a guy being turned off by the way you look when you're already in such a vulnerable position... well for the most part, in my llife, I just sort of stayed away from the whole thing until recently.

Not to say that I'm whoring it up with every guy I meet, but I feel  a lot better about the way I look in a dress.... or out of a dress, and it just takes a lot of the pressure off of dating. I feel like I can just be myself. I don't have anything to compensate for. I don't have anything to prove. So I have been out there a lot more, with mixed results. Went on a few dates with maybe the most awkward man on earth, went out with a filmmaker who I was really into but who never called me again (and rejection is a lot easier when you feel like it's not about the way you look, and you don't feel like the wya you look is so impossible to change that nobody will ever be interested).

Mostly I've just been figuring out what I want. And I think that definitely has to do with this new spot in my life too. My coach said it best when she was talking about her own dating life and said that a guy who sits on the couch and eats doritos all day just won't do. I think it would be way too easy to slip back into old habits that way. Like a recovered alcoholic dating someone with an unresolved drinking problem. I need someone who inspires and motivates me, and who I feel like I need to keep up with. In addition to all the other stuff I've learned that I need/want over the years, I feel like this is really really important. Just like I think people need to be at the same place with regards to maturity, intelligence, and lifestyle, I think their fitness level needs to be comparable too. And I'm finding that maybe that person is out there, and maybe isn't quite as impossible to find as I thought.

I guess I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still out here, still doing well, still working hard, and figuring it all out.  And even though I don't write all the time,and probably still won't,  I'm still thinking about you guys and hoping you're doing well, too.

062: Quickie blog

Hey all! So I'm going to make this one quick. I know I haven't blogged a lot this week, but I've been so busy! Summer is in full swing and I'm a happy camper. Pre-prepping meals has actually been a godsend since I usually only have 15 minutes to eat between work and something else.  But it's so worth it.

So when I stepped on the scale today, I found out I'm up 3 lbs from last week. But I am really okay with that, actually. Today is the first day of "that time of the month" and I know that I gain anywhere between 2 and 5 lbs during that time. It really sucks, being a girl. I am actually proudest of myself for not sweating these 3 lbs. I think it's because I know I've stayed on track this week, so there was nothing I could really do to help myself do better, honestly. So I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and next week will be different.

I hope you all are having a great week and staying healthy and getting out a lot in the sunshine! I WILL say there is a lot of stuff going on in my life that I will eventually blog about, but for now, I'm out! Have a lovely saturday!

061: On food hangovers and feeling crazy

Sorry for the hiatus, blogosphere! (Isn't that the word used to describe the blogging community? Blogosphere? It sounds silly. Try saying it out loud.) I've been so insaely busy this last week or so. My days start at aroung 6:30. Some days I am home for about 10 or 15 minutes to make a quick dinner and then it's back out til 11pm. Some nights I''m not home at all and it's a shake on the go or dinner at my office. So it's been 18 hour days for a few weeks now. Even this weekend, fun as it was to hang out with one of my absolute best friends in the best city in the world, was jam packed. I find myself constantly forgetting things because I have SO much on my plate.

So I'm busy and frazzled and run down. But it's more than that. Lately I'm crying all the time. I'm flying off the handle for ridiculous stuff. I feel awkward and out of sorts and unable to respond in standard social situations. I'm losing my hair, I am not sleeping well...

In short, I feel like I'm going batshit crazy.

And I haven't wanted to say anything because nobody wants to admit something like that. I mean, most people at one time or another will struggle with this sort of thing, but it always leaves a person feeling weak and unreliable. I don't like feeling that way.

Then I read a post on a friend's weight loss blog, and it sounded like she was going through the same thing, going through the motions and trying constantly to get herself out of this funk. And it got me thinking- when you're losing massive amounts of weight in a rapid fashion, is this normal?

So I did a little research, and guess what? It totally is.

Turns out that when you gain weight, you crave sugars and other carbs, and then when you go on a more low-carb diet, you are depriving your brain of seratonin (the brain chemical that makes you feel happy), which can lead to depression and mood swings.

In short, it all comes back to carbs. My arch nemesis. Damn you, carbs! (You can't see me but I am shaking my fist like william shatner right now.)

But I'm glad that it all makes sense now! I SHOULD be miserable and feel crazy right now. My brain chemicals are all kinds of messed up. The question is, what can you do about it? Carbs are not the answer- I accidentally left my herbalife shaker at home over my weekend vacation and went a little carb crazy- and paid for it afterwards, with a huge food hangover (food hangovers are what happens when your body feels awful after binging on deliciousness. If my digestive system could scream and curse at me, it would have.)

I found this article fabulously helpful :

Is your diet making you hangry? (Hungry and angry)

They suggest cutting back on calories and carbs more slowly, which I don't think is going to work for me, and that 45-65 percent of your diet should be carbs. So I'm going to go stock up on some whole grain crackers and whole wheat pasta. It also says I should be getting more omega 3 fatty acids, which are found in things like fish and walnuts (both of which I tend not to eat). I'm also going to try to work in more small amounts of dark chocolate into my diet.

This is all so complicated! How am I going to remember it all? Simple- it's time to buy a new planner, start making to do lists again (I made one for today and yesterday and monday and felt fabulously productive- does anyone else LOVE checking things off of a to-do list as much as I do?) And I'm going to try to do more brain excercising on the weekends- back to sudoku,, trivia, and crossword puzzles for this geek!

I feel good about all of this information and changes. I feel like,w ith anything, it's going to start slowly- all of this is not going to happen over night, but I am going to work at it and try to find that balance, you know? And I mean, if you had asked me if any of this, or any of the things I've done over the last 5 months were possible a year ago, year ago me would have laughed in your face. So I'm sure I can tackle this too.

Also- I have upped my workout regimen in a fun way- more about that tomorrow!

For now, this:

8/7/12
7:45am- herbalife shake and tea
11:15am- herbalife shake, a plum, and almonds
2:30pm- oikos strawberry yogurt
6:00pm- amy's pizza (DELICIOUS- best frozen pizza I've ever had- and organic/okay for you too!) and carrot sticks

060: Never the heroine, always the DUFF.

Hey out there! So first of all, let me deal with some housekeeping. On Thursday I stuck really closely to my diet. Yesterday I deviated a little more than I should have, considering it was the day before weigh in. I had 2 slices of pizza and a cupcake at a going away party (and they were carbalicious! Carbtastic! Carbnificent!) So I was a little apprehensive stepping on the scale this morning. But I still managed to lose 2 lbs this week. 2lbs is not only completely respectable, but it's my goal for weekly weight loss. Losing 10 lbs in a week every week is actually really not good for you. Not only is it not good for you, but your body can't ever really bounce back and stay tight that way. 2lbs is great. Perfect even.

Yesterday I auditioned for a play. I've done some theater before. I am really more of a singer than an actress, but I love musicals for that reason. A little background- I have only once played the leading lady. And that was in youth theater. And I played an old woman. In fact, I almost always either play an old woman, or a fat girl. I've been Jan in Grease, Mama in Bye Bye Birdie, Jacob Marley (in a clown suit actually designed to make me look fatter for laughs) in A Christmas Carol. Over time I have come to only audition for those roles, since I know that's all I'm going to get. Know thyself, right? But yesterday I felt good. I walked in with my head held high and asked to sing/read for the leading lady.

Auditions are always stressful, at least for me. This one was particularly stressful since some of the people there were particularly unfriendly. I wanted to grab one girl and be like "listen. We know you're talented. Get out of your own head and stop scowling at everyone, this is just for fun, honey. We all have day jobs." I don't understand how competitive people get about this stuff. Grown adults with lives outside of this. Come on, effing relax. We're all just here to have a good time.

Of course, there were 2 girls there that blew me out of the water, but hey, I was proud of myself for trying. And really, I figured I would just take any role. That is, of course, until the director asked me to sing for a specific part that is basically one big fat joke.

To say I was crushed is an understatement. I don't care about not being Nancy, but I'll be damned if after all this work I am going to get up on stage and have my size made fun of. I know it's just acting. I know it's just a character. But I'm not a professional actress, and those words still sting. This is regional theater. Nobody's getting paid, it should be fun. If I'm one big walking fat joke, I will not be enjoying myself. Not one bit.

After the auditions wrapped, I actually called the director, but he didn't pick up. I don't think I got the part of "the fat joke" either, since there was one lady, who, in my opinion, was hilarious and totally okay with making fun of herself, and should totally get the part. But if it is offered to me, I am goign to say no. I would literally rather not be in that show at all than be the chubby lovey dovey lady. I have, both on and off stage, been a fat joke for pretty much my whole life. And I will never, ever, be that again. Ever.

Anyway. End rant.

I am off to new york now. Nothing can cure the fat girl in musical theater blues like some best friend time in the big apple. And some jamba juice. Mmm.

059: Carbohydrates: government conspiracy? Or just delicious.

So, I'm finding it hard to be dilligent with this blog. There's just not always something related to my weight loss to write about every day. Which I think is good in a way. This does not own my life.

Yesterday was good. I went to wrights farm with the kids on a field trip and abstained from literally every baked good that was offered to me, no matter how delicious. I was pretty proud of myself. Then I went to the movies, which is also a little test of my abstaining abilities. But with friends as witnesses, I will say I didn't get anything other than a ticket. Go me. So that makes yesterdays food as follows:
7:45am- herbalife shake and tea
11:00am- herbalife shake, banana, almonds
2:30pm- oikos yogurt
6:30pm- chicken and cucumber slices

Then today, I ate:

7:30am- herbalife shake and tea
11:00am- herbalife shake and banana
2:30pm- oikos yogurt
6:30pm- chicken and carrot sticks

I am currently sitting here at the locals loathing this carb free diet. It seems that all delcious things have carbohydrates. I think that is the main ingredient, in fact. Carbohydrates are made of delicious.

So anyway.  The other day at work, the kids were learning about food pyramind/my plate, and there was something that is still sort of perplexing to me. In school, as children we learn that we are supposed to have something insane like 8-10 servings of carbohydrates a DAY. I don't know if that's the statistic that still exists now, but when I was a tot, it was for sure 8-10.  No wonder we as american's are obese. We are told that 8-10 servings of carbs are recommended. As children! Children will believe anything! I grew up believing in santa claus, and carbohydrates.

Carbs really don't have much nutritional value, do they? Especially carbs as people view them. White flour has absolutely no benefits nutritionally. And by the time we figure it out, we're hooked. I mean, if I needed carbs in my diet, I would be eating carbs and not protein. (And I would be absolutely okay  with that).

So if anyone can answer me why we need carbs, please, be my guest. For now I will be oggling the nachos I cannot enjoy. Blah.

058: More musings from workout world

Hey out there in blogland!


For those of you keeping track of the food journal, I know I haven't really followed through with my meals for the weekend, but I did do some cheating. I'm happy to say that yesterday I got back to my way strict during the week diet. So here goes:

7:00am- Herbalife shake and tea
11:00am- Herbalife shake, unsalted almonds, and a banana
2:30pm- Oikos strawberry yogurt
6:30pm- strawberries, carrot sticks, cucumber slices, 8oz of chicken, and 1/2 cup whole wheat pasta.

Im finding that I am soooo full at the end of dinner, I actually have no desire to do any late night snacking, which is nice.
So, as promised, I have decided to integrate more weights/toning/resistance/strength training type stuff into my workout. I get plenty of cardio at work, and I walk between 2 and 5 miles every day. But, as with most people who lose a considerable amount of weight, I'm encountering trouble getting my skin to bounce back and stay tight. Gross.

My arms and my abs are the most aggregious offenders. So I figured I should go back to the gym. I haven't been since my sister's wedding, and I do pay 20 dollars a month for a membership. So it's worth trying. Side note: I am always looking for workouts/tips and tricks to target my triceps/lower abs. If you have any, hit me with them!

I didn't go to the "nice gym" in East Providence, but rather the shitty north providence workout world. What is so shitty about it, you ask? Well first of all, I don't know what asshole puts a gym next to a mcdonalds, but they sure do have a sense of humor. Secondly, there's the "women's workout area", which is essentially 2 eliptical machines, a tower stack machine that doesn't work, half a dozen mismatched free weights, and some leg machines, all of which were occupied.

I don't know about you, but the last thing I want to see is a really hot in shape guy when I am struggling and sweating through my weight workout. (Note that since this is north providence, there weren't many hot guys, but rather the over-tanned, over worked out roid raging rejects from the jersey shore casting call, but still). I like the east providence gym since they have a lot of arm machines and an ab machine, as well as a ton of free weights and some mats to do stretching/crunches/what have you- all in the women's gym. I feel so much more comfortable working out with only a bunch of judgemental bitchy ladies watching.

Needless to say, I only worked my arms out for about 20 minutes before hitting the road.

However, as I was working out, I had one moment even more embarassing than struggling to chest press 15 lbs while vinnie and paulie d spotted each other and looked on.  I was walking through the gym to the women's locker room. I passed another woman,also working out, and I caught myself thinking "Well at least I'm not as big as her."

I felt horrible. I had, for just a moment, become the bitchy judgemental ladies I hated and made fun of a few months ago. And I'm not even in shape the way they were.

Why do we do that? Why do we, as women, feel the need to compare ourselves to other women? Why do we guage where we should be based on the sizes of the girls around us? Am I the only one who looks around a crowded room to see if I am the heaviest person there? Am I the only one who is silently envious of the skinnier women and silently relieved when there's a girl around who's bigger than me? It's sick and twisted, honestly. But I think it's something that everyone does.

So that's the end of that. If there's one thing I can do today, in addition to all the other crap I've got going on, it's to focus on being the best I can be. For me. To focus on my progress and mine alone, and forget everyone else and where they are in their journey. Today is just about me doing MY best.

057: The Swimsuit Issue

I was hard pressed to come up with a topic today. Things went well yesterday. My coach was ecstatic about the weight loss, and she measured me (I lost 13 inches! Woohoo!). Today was good too. I went to the beach, and did my healthy food shopping (fruit and veggies and yogurt and almonds are my life now).

As I'm sitting here grilling my weeks worth of chicken and waiting for my laundry to dry, it hit me.

Bathing suits.

Yesterday was my nephew's first birthday party. It was a pool party. So I went swimming. I know this doesn't sound like a really big deal to all of you, but it is for me. Before this summer, I hadn't been in a bathing suit in front of other people in YEARS. At least 4 or so years. Why, you ask?

Well I figured I didn't like the way I looked in a swimsuit, so why subject other people to it? Of course, that meant giving up on swimming, which is something I really enjoy doing. But no more! Even though my brother-in-law has a stick for a sister who was rocking a bikini (in fact all the girls were rocking 2 piece suits except me) I went out there with my head held high and swam. (Is swam a word?)

I felt great- until pictures started circulating around facebook of me in a swimsuit. Oh, you didn't see them, you say? That's because I rapid-fire untagged them as soon as they came up. You know you do stuff like that too. We've all untagged unattractive pictures of ourselves. I just chalked it up to a little internal reminder that I still have a long way to go.

But then I read this article, <a href="http://www.ottawacitizen.com/sports/2012-summer-games/Aussie+swim+star+cruises+into+final+sending/7008119/story.html">where people are slamming this australian OLYMPIC SWIMMER for looking fat in her swimsuit</a>. And once again, I have to look around at the world and say ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?

How skinny does a person have to be to look good in a swimsuit? I personally think that the OLYMPIAN doesn't look fat. She looks muscular. And she could probably kick your ass, so I'd watch what I say, if I were you, mainstream media. She can't be more than a size 8, at best. And I'm sure she treats her body like a temple, and is the epitome of good health. So I ask again, at what point are we allowed to feel good about our bodies? Who should be "allowed" to wear swimsuits? And if they only look good on people who are a size 0, 2, or 4, then why make them in a size 20?

I wish we still wore swimsuits like <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtF_Jo0Mfy4VG2K7BV0GncRXWh29jxgGcAqUWWVG9Jkaw0kb-xU3xKkg8QUxphfIA9WPF4fKqGOrzXtndzibdYVYHMs9eBwRf6FXu3ndkPfb4B1MEV1VPcLom1I5B-9oW9xwHkmXjGstI/s1600/beauties.jpg">this</a>. Those chicks don't seem to have any problem with the way they look. Not one.

056: Moment of truth...

Sorry for disappearing for a bit, blog buddies. There just was not much to report yesterday around blog time ( I tend to write early in the morning).  Plus I was exhausted from the night of drinking and dancing that occurred the night before. I decided that Thursday night will have to count as my cheat night, since there was absolutely no nutritional value to the insane amount of shots I took with my co-workers. I am from the school of thought that when someone buys you a shot, you take it.

It was a really strange experience.I haven't really had any alcohol aside from the odd cider/glass of wine here or there since april. It was kind of humbling. I used to be able to party a lot harder when I was heavier and drinking more regularly. But 3 or 4 shots and 2 mixed drinks later, it was like I was hit by a mack truck. Luckily, I don't think I retained many of those calories for long, if you get what I'm saying. Puke city, population me.

I guess that's how drunkness works for skinny people. You don't need to drink as much, for sure. Learning my new limits is going to be an experience, for sure. I've never been this size and been able to drink (and when I was younger, I didn't drink illegally, since I was pretty sure my mom would find out. I was never lucky with stuff like that)

Yesterday was a strange experience too. My hangover wasn't quite as abysmal as it should have been, which was strange. I guess it's because I didn't compound things by eating pancakes/fried food at 2am. I always thought that would make things better, but I guess not. Who knew?

And now I'm waiting for my coach to show up so we can do our first weigh and measure. Little does she know that I totally already weighed myself, and since my last weigh in with josh (where I had gained 9 lbs in a month) I have....

LOST. TEN. POUNDS.

That's right kids. I lost all the weight I had gained in 3 weeks. And then another pound for good measure. FUCKIN A.

I took a break from typing to do a victory dance. Now I'm back. The really crazy thing is that last week I didn't manage what I was eating at all. Even sunday, after my meeting with marie, I had one last pizza board game night with my roommate. So, as far as I can tell, I lost 10 lbs in a week. That's more than I've ever lost before. And I really didn't struggle as much as I was struggling before.

I think the solution has been protein. It's filled me up more than carbs, and apparently it's better for me. That, and I walk every day for work. Lots of walking. So I don't really have to think about working out. Protein and walking. Those are two changes I can totally commit to.

055: White girl wasted

Hey out there!
So first of all, thanks for the tips about losing my hair. I think the biggest thing I read was not to stress out about it (since that's going to make it worse). It's going to be hard, but I'm going to try not to.

Yesterday was awesome. First of all, at work, I ran about 5 blocks to catch up to my group after dropping off a very angry little girl at our home base. I didn't even need to stop (though when I did catch up I kind of felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest). I never would have been able to do that 6 months ago, so it was a pretty awesome feeling.

Then My friend Jeff is visiting from cali and we went to Panera, where I wisely chose a green tea and fruit cup instead of a pizza or cookie and a smoothie. I was pretty happy with that. So yesterday, my food intake was as follows:

7:00am- Herbalife shake and tea
11:15am- Herbalife shake and tea, peach, unsalted almonds
2:30pm- Oikos strawberry yogurt
4:30pm- Green tea and fruit cup
7:00pm- 6.5 oz grilled chicken, carrot sticks, 1/2 cup of whole wheat pasta and 2 tbsp tomato sauce

I feel full and great, and I have had more energy and just felt better the last few days, in general. It feels SO good to be back on track.

Today was a little bit of a curve ball. I was presented with a really stressful situation at work, and I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm finding myself sort of craving those go to foods. That, paired with the fact that I am starved for out of work social interaction and my co-workers have planned a really fun karaoke event tonight, all ads up to one thing:

I wanna get white girl wasted tonight.

This is a conundrum, though. I love to go out and drink socially. I don't even drink that much. But we all know how many calories and carbs there are in most alcoholic beverages. I am also, unfortunately, a pretty girly drinker. I tend to stick to fruity beverages with soda chasers and cider (which is a whopping 200 calories a bottle).

This will be the first time I've gone out for drinks since my sisters wedding (which was in May). Since then I've had a cider here or there, but not really gone to any events that were specifically centered around alcohol. It's going to be a challenge (as usual) not to order what I want. Which is unfair. I want to know how all those skinny bitches on spring break drink so many daquiris and don't end up looking like the mom from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape".  Just another one of life's injustices.

I think tonight I will stick to red wine. I have heard a glass or two of red can actually be good for you, and isn't such a bad thing in moderation.

...jagermeister's not high in calories if you drink it straight, right?

054: I'm becoming Susan Powter (eff you, biology)

So I wanted to talk about this recent phenomenon I've noticed, but first, a little backstory.

When I want to replace that happy endorphin pampered feeling I get from getting my junk food on, I tend to turn to spa therapy. I give myself manicures and facials more often than most people, and really, I've always taken good care of my skin. I had some acne when I was younger and I feel like it's important to maintain healthy skin.

My hair is another thing that I take really good care of. Even at my heaviest, my hair has always been one of those things that I thought was my best feature. I spend exorbitant amounts of money on expensive hair cuts and dyes (well, my lovely mom spends exorbitant amounts of money on it, honestly. I  couldn't afford the hair cuts that she and I get on a regular basis.)

I wash my hair daily and treat it with two different conditioners. Then I blow dry it and add a volumizing spray. I've been doing this for a pretty long time. I like taking care of my hair. And it pays off- my hair is pretty effing sexy.

So, over the last 2 or so months, I've noticed two things: I am breaking out a lot more than usual, and I am losing a lot more hair in the shower than usual. Yesterday, while rocking my side ponytail for 80's day, I noticed a HUGE bald spot on the left side of my hair. HUGE.

Have you ever seen the movie "THE CRAFT"? In it, the witches put a voodoo curse on a girl who is a racist bully. Every time she hurts one of the witches, she loses some of her hair. Then one day the girl who was being bullied goes into the shower and this bully chick is just sitting on the floor, curled up in the fetal position clutching handfuls of her hair and yelling "it just keeps falling out!" (I tried to find a video of this, but I couldn't. Trust me, it's really intense)

Anyway, that's how I feel. Clutching literally handfuls of hair and having a little panic attack in the shower.

So, I have a friend who is a nurse, and who is also losing weight. She says (and I web MD'd this and as proof) that my body is reacting to the stress of losing all this weight.

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!?!?

So, let me get this straight. I have the choice to either be fat, or be skinny, but be a 27 year-old pizza face with a receding hairline? How is THAT fair? This whole thing seems to be a bit of a proverbial kick when you're down, if you ask me.

I turn, as usual, to my readers- those of you who have lost weight (or even those of you who havent)- have you experienced stress related hair loss? And if so, what do you do to stop it (and hopefully gain some of your hair back)?

I look forward to hearing your answers. In the mean time, I'll be getting price quotes on wigs on the internet.

Oh, and here's my meals for yesterday. Since I know you're all dying to know!

7:00am- Herbalife shake and herbalife tea
11:15am- Herbalife shake, herbalife tea, 2 clementines, unsalted almonds
2:30pm- Oikos strawberry yogurt (which I effing LOVE btw, marie) and another clementine
7:00pm- Purdue grilled chicken breast (tasted a little better this time) 1/2 cup of whole wheat penne (with 1tbsp of organic pasta sauce), carrot sticks

Oh and a shit ton of water too.

053: Totally radical far out!

Well, I've made it through almost two full days of this new diet, and I've got to say, it's a lot more low maintenance than last time. I am not really counting or measuring anything out, which is a great feeling. And a lot of the suggestions my coach gave me have been incredibly helpful. (Marie has struggled with a lot of the same shortcomings as me- like being picky about veg and protein, and hating to cook- so she had some cool solutions.)

Firstly, I eat on a pretty rigid schedule. I actually have alarms set in my phone that go off and remind me to grab something to eat, no matter how busy I am. I eat every three hours. Since I did this before and my diet thrived with this kind of accountability, I figured I'd food diary it up so you can sort of see what I've been consuming. Here goes:

7/23/12
7:00am- Breakfast (herbalife shake and herbalife tea)
11:00am- Lunch (herbalife shake, unsalted almonds, and carrot sticks)
2:30pm- Snack (oikos raspberry organic greek yogurt)
7:00pm- Dinner (purdue grilled chicken, carrot sticks, 1/2 cup whole wheat ziti)

And water to drink, with everything. Water water waterwaterwater.

Couple of things: I'm not really hungry every three hours, but I figured it can't hurt to keep up the schedule and see what happens.

Marie suggested that I prep a whole ton of chicken ahead of time so I don't have to cook when I get home (since it's pretty much the last thing I want to do after 12 hours of work.) However, my oven is completely broken. STILL. Which sucks. I need to get on Arnold (my adorable 85 year old russian super- have I mentioned how much I love my new apartment) about getting it fixed. So I can't even prep chicken. I bought these pre-cooked purdue shortcut grilled chicken things and nuked one in the microwave last night.

It was maybe one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten. I do not recommend this unless you like eating overly salty strangly mushy/slimy chicken. Gross gross gross. But I managed to choke down 8oz of it. Yuck.

That's anotehr thing I learned. I'm not eating nearly enough protein. Do you know how much 8oz of chicken is? Let me tell you, It's a shit ton. It's 3 servings from that box of purdue short cuts. But again, I figured I'd give it a shot.

What IS great about all that chicken is that I wasn't hungry at all last night for a late night snack (which is a problem I have. I feel like it's not good for your digestion to eat a pint of ice cream 15 minutes before bed). And I wasn't hungry when I woke up at the crack of dawn today to get ready for camp.

I had to get up earlier today because it was GENERATION DAY! at our camp. My group had the 80's which I was incredibly happy about. I didn't even mind getting up at 5am to crimp my hair and do my makeup.

Usually I HATE things like this. Costumes, in my opinion, tend to be just an excuse for skinny girls to dress like whores and chubby girls to feel uncomfortable. Take halloween for example. You've got the slutty cat, the slutty nurse, the slutty cop and so on. What do they have in plus size costumes?

I'll tell you what they've got. Pumpkin. Clown. and Nun. All of which come with their own theme moo-moo. It's pretty effing annoying.

However, today, I actually felt good in my costume (which is an amazing feeling) and I won best dressed staff member for the whole camp. Which was awesome.

I don't really have a point to this, except that for the first time in a while I didn't feel like a fat chick in a costume. And if this diet plan continues to be as easy to stick to, it's only going to get better, right?

Oh, and here's some awesome 80's pictures:

This is my co-counselor and my 2 junior counselors. Aren't we like totally tubular?

Let's get physical! (Please note that 95 percent of my costume is care of my uber hipster 80's addict roommate)

052: One day at a time.

Sorry to have neglected you, oh blog of mine. The rest of my weekend was really busy. Good times with good friends, and BATMAN. Which was awesome. But that is another blog for another time and place.

Yesterday, I met with a new Herbalife coach. I had been doing some thinking, and really took everyone's responses to blog 49 to heart about how words affect me. Put downs and pointing out shortcomings don't motivate me. At all. It really deeply saddened me and stuck with me all this week... and didn't encourage me to eat better, at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

So anyway. Marie, my new coach, really gets the process I'm going through. She used to be a lot heavier (though now she looks amazing!), so she's a girl who has genuinely struggled with her weight. She's also really picky about food, like me, and tends to have the same cravings I do, so she was able to offer me real solutions that will help me sustain these choices for life, rather than committing to some sort of insane OCD ritual that will not last 3 months before I break down completely and toss the idea entirely. She and I came up with a realistic meal plan that I think will really work for me.

Also, at the suggestion of a friend, I went to a compulsive overeaters anonymous meeting. It was quite an experience, and I don't know if I quite fit into that category, but I went anyway. First of all, I was the only person in the room who was under the age of 40. So there was that. Also, most of the compulsive overeaters were still overweight, despite having been in the program for years, so I'm not entirely sure how that works. Also, most of them struggled with other addiction problems, to either drugs or alcohol. Their stories were really moving, but I don't know if I'm quite there yet. For one thing, I don't pick food out of the trash and eat it.

But it got me to thinking of food as an addiction. I have histories of substance abuse in my family, on both sides. Drug addicts and alcoholics. But I never really thought that addictive personality trait could manifest itself in food. And if food is an addiction, that sucks. Because alcoholics and drug addicts can simply say "I won't ever have this again.". Food addicts have to be subjected to their addiction at least three times a day. To completely abstain from food forever would basically mean I have an eating disorder, which is a whole different and equally serious problem.

I don't know if meetings and sharing my feelings are for me. It was a little hard to handle, emotionally. I think it's a lot easier to share and be honest in this format. Mostly because I don't have to look any of you in the eye when I say this stuff. However, I think I will take some of their tools away with me. I have been thinking very seriously about giving up my emotional trigger foods for life. It's kind of crazy to think of never having something like, say, pizza, ever again, but maybe that's a good thing. Then again, I've also been told it's a bad idea to completely cut stuff like that out, since you eventually go crazy and binge on it anyway.  In any event, one thing I will definitely take away from my brief encounter with OA is the idea of living for today. Yesterday is done,a nd I've got to let it go, and I can't worry about tomorrow just yet. So for today, I am on my herbalife food plan. And that works for me.

051: Zen and the Art of Self-Deprecation

Hello out there! I have so much I want to write about, but I'm going to try really hard  to stay on topic.

Yeah. Didn't stick to any sort of food plan yesterday. I could give excuses, but that is all they would be. Excuses. And today, I kind of don't want to talk about food.

I want to talk about rollerskates.

Yesterday it rained and the camp that I work for had to cancel its field trip to the high and low ropes course. I wasn't intending on doing the high and low ropes course anyway, but none of the adults could do it, since there wasnt going to be enough time. But instead we went rollerskating.

So, we get to the place and everyone puts on rollerskates and I help all the kids tie their skates and get them out on the floor. A few co-workers try to coax me and the other non-skaters out onto the rink, but everyone gives up on me pretty quickly. Partly because I'm not a 120 lb supermodel like the other female counselors who can't skate. No, THOSE girls get pretty much carried out onto the rink and led around by the hand while they and their male counterparts giggle and smile like teenagers at one another.

Barf. (Read: One ticket for the bitterbus, right here.)

The thing is, I don't even want to skate. I have never liked rollerskating, or been any good at it. I used to loathe skating parties and field trips in school. My theory about rollerskating or ice skating is that if people were meant to glide on wheels or blades like that, we would have adapted and they would be growing out of our damn feet right now. But they''re not. Because skating is effing unnatural.

But a couple of people still try to talk me into it, until I do the thing that I do best. I point out the obvious. I tell them "Listen. I'm fat. And uncoordinated. There is nothing funnier than a fat person on rollerskates falling down. I am a youtube viral video waiting to happen." And they all laughed an I laughed with them and that was the end of the discussion.

But I've been thinking about it since. That, and a comment that someone made to me after my first blog I wrote a few days ago saying that, being a fat kid, you are typically your biggest bully. And I am. I am so quick to point out that I'm fat, or make a joke about it in situations where I am uncomfortable. And that's because it's easier to hear myself say it than it is to hear someone else say it to me. Because if you make fun of yourself on your own terms first, it's so much easier than someone else making fun of you.

I feel like so many people I know do that. Whether they make fun of their intelligence, their looks, their socio-economic status. We make fun of ourselves about the things that we're the most insecure about.

But really, it doesn't feel any less shitty coming out of our own mouths than it does coming from someone else, does it? It's just more manageable because it's something we can control.

Someone recently told me that the key to living a better life isn't to be skinnier but to stop hating myself for being fat. I don't know if all that's true. I think it's important to be healthier, for sure. But there's something to be said for stopping living like a victim. Like a punchline. Like all people see when they look at me is my size. I don't know how to do that. But knowing that it needs to be done is a start, I think.

050: They call it comfort food for a reason.

First of all, thanks for the outpouring of support from that last post. It actually made me really emotional (note to self: don't read blog related material at work), especially from people who said that what I was saying resonated with them. Sometimes I feel so alone in this, like I'm the only person who goes through these ridiculous situations with food. Feeling abnormal makes this so much more embarassing. It's like, I'm embarassed that I'm fat, but I'm also embarassed that it's this hard for me to just stop doing what I'm doing and make healthier choices, you know? But it's bittersweet to know other people feel this way. It's nice to know everyone has my back, and I'm not alone, but I hate that any of you have to go through this too. It just sucks.

Anyway.

Last night I went home and had a mass junk food exodus in my apartment. I threw out any remnants of any unhealthy food that I had bought recently... okay, I ate the last two pieces of pizza that I ordered two days ago. Because it is the best pizza I've ever had in north providence. And that would have just been a senseless waste. But other than that, all I ate yesterday was a handful of goldfish, a banana, and an herbalife shake, so I don't feel too incredibly bad about that choice. Plus the last two days have been really rough. I don't know if my coach realizes how much those negative words stuck with me. It's not a motivator, it's a paralyzer for me. I already knew ALL the thigns he said were true, but hearing them out loud just filled me with such a sense of defeat and failure and of course, I turned to food.

"Eating your feelings" is one of those terms that people use when they are making fun of fat people. But the idea of comfort food is something that EVERYONE experiences. Nobody comes home after a shitty day of work craving some nice celery sticks. Maybe it's a beer, maybe it's a burger at a drive-thru, maybe it's pizza, or ice cream, but a lot of people use food to comfort them. There is nothing comforting about celery sticks.

And it made me think about why this phenomenon exists. I studied psych in college, and sort of came to the conclusion that everything traces back to childhood. Junk food was never something negative when we were kids. You never got forced to eat ice cream, it was a treat. You finished your summer reading! Let's celebrate by going out for pizza!  And sometimes, it was a treat after something bad had happened to you. You had to get shots at the doctor's office? Oh let's get some ice cream, that will cheer you up.

So as adults, we get a lot of shit thrown at us. I am overwhelmed and sad and frustrated right now. And as adults you are on your own way more than when you were a kid. I can't exactly sit down at work and unload all this shit on my boss. I feel like a lot of my friends are too busy to hang out and help me distract myself as well. And the ones that are around, I feel like I rely on them too much, so I back off. Which leaves me as a one woman island. And I feel like I definitely go back to the things in my childhood that made me feel safe and good and happy. A lot of those memories involve junk food. Not to say that my parents just let me eat whatever I wanted, but they enjoyed an ice cream cone just as much as the next person.

In my quest to find the balance and figure out some way to eat in a more healthy way, I am figuring out other things that make me feel good, and happy. Spending time with friends is one, but that is a slippery slope because we can't do anything that involves food (and it seems like with some friends all we do is eat). I also really love girly pampering type things. When I was a kid, my mom would often treat us to makeover nights, where she would paint our nails and let us try on makeup. That's always been something I love, so I think tonight I'm going to load up on beauty products and bubble bath and have a spa night.

Maybe, if I can just distract myself enough, I won't have any desire to eat. Although part of me really, really doubts it.

049: You're sad and you're sorry but you're not ashamed

Greetings from off the wagon. Hell, greetings from off the road. I'm somewhere in the weeds. I can't even see the wagon, honestly.

So here's the thing. Sometimes I talk a big game. Sometimes I get overly confident.

So when I said I didn't need you, oh blog of mine, I was mostly just talking out of my (ginormous) ass.

Since the last time I wrote... I gained back 9 lbs.

At first I continued to do okay. Lost a little or maintained. Then in the last 3 or 4 weeks, I just stopped giving any sort of fuck about this. I was down to one shake a day, if that, and other than that I just ate whatever the hell I wanted (which generally speaking wasn't anything healthy. Ever)

It's summer. It's time for fun and being social. I am immensely stressed out about work and apartment stuff that still hasn't gotten fixed (for instance I am still not getting all my mail and I still do not have a working stove to cook anything). So I wanted to go out and have fun. And that usually means eating and drinking things that, to say the least, are not on the herbalife recommended diet.

And then I went on some dates. I was feeling so much more confident than I ever have felt when it came to guys. So all that built up shiny new confidence was kind of shattered when I got rejected by someone I actually thought I hit it off with. And what do I do when I'm depressed? I eat. Oh hey, token fat girl here.

And I blew off my meetings with my coach. Because I knew it wasn't going to be good. So when I finally went back to meet with Josh yesterday, I knew it wasn't going to be good. But I didn't think it would be 9 lbs  not good.

I mean, I do still do one shake a day! And I walk like 2 hours in this ridiculous new england heat and humidity every single day. 9 lbs really?

I think my coach figured the way to get me back on track would be to make me feel like crap about the situation. "Do you ever want to have a boyfriend?" "What about your singing career?" "You don't want to die young." "You have inspired SO many people, everyone is looking up to you".

But you know what? That just made me feel worse. It made me feel like, on top of disappointing myself, on top of all the shitty ramifications of me actually enjoying myself, I am disappointing everyone that reads this blog, everyone that knows me by what? By eating food?

Let me just say, when I was doing my best, and losing the most weight, I was happy in a sense. I loved seeing the pounds coming off, I loved fitting into smaller clothes. But my lifestyle was not something that I could really sustain forever. Very few people know how obsessive I was a few months ago. My roommate will tell you. I lived by measuring cups. I would count out vegan chips and carrot sticks and unsalted almonds to the EXACT serving size.  I didn't go out. At all. Because I knew if I did I would be tempted to eat like a normal human being.

I'm just so damn frustrated. I hate that some people can eat whatever they want and not encounter these problems. I hate salads. I hate that these herbalife shakes do NOT translate well in this heat and often make me feel super sick afterwards. I hate that the only way I can continue on this path seems to be starving myself and devoting so much energy to what I eat.

I hate that if I don't do that, despite how hard I worked before, I'm goign to gain EVERYTHING back in like 3 months and be right back where I was. I hate that the most of all. I hate that my life will never be what I considered to be normal again.

And I really just want to fucking quit. I want to not ever go back to a meeting with josh again. I want to say fuck it and walk away.

But I don't want to be fat forever either, you know? For those of you who have never been there, it's a really shitty situation to be in. And stressful. I left my meeting with josh and had a really solid 20 minute cry in my car.

And then, being stressed out and sad and frustrated and angry, what did I do? I effing ate. Of course.

I had 2 (count em, TWO) pear woodchuck ciders, and a delicious homemade pizza from the locals(where everyone should eat because they are AMAZING), and a really big chocolate chip cookie. And it was delightful. And I felt better, partly because of the food, but mostly because of the company, for sure.

And you know what? Part of me doesn't care. Maybe that's the problem. Part of me will not ever care. I will always want those things and it will always suck because I can't have them with the same frequency I want them. But part of me is in a panic right now about going back to the size I was. So I guess I'm regarding it as a farewell to the last month or so of bad habits.

I'm getting back on the wagon today. I'm re-starting everything. But to do that, I figured I need to re-start the way I was going before. I need to re-start this. Because this accountability was when I was doing my best. Because I don't know what else to do. So. It's back to blogging, if anybody out there still wants to read. I can't guarantee it will always be happy and uplifting, but I will be here again. Everyday.

048: Sometimes all you need is a little fresh air.

Well blogosphere, it's been a while. I'm not going to lie, Ive thought about discontinuing this blog altogether. It just seems as though it was a security blanket while starting this journey that, at least at the present, I feel like I don't need anymore.

I mean, there are still tough days, but right now I'm riding the crest of a wave. I went on vacation to new york this weekend, herbalife in my luggage. I visited with a really truly supportive close friend, who really kept me on track for the whole three days. We ate salads, we walked about a thousand miles. (Started at Penn Station, ended up on Bleeker Street).

But moreover, I think this is just what I needed to clear my head and get out of this funk I've been in. There's something about new york. I just sort of feel like I'm more myself when I'm there, you know? Or maybe, more of the myself I'd like to be.

Usually I spend a ton of money on these trips so I can't really afford to go often. But since I didn't go out to eat pretty much the whole time, I actually saved a lot of money, which was nice. I also did some busking. Busking is when you play music in a public place in the hopes that tourists and passersby will give you money. There's also a pretty good chance you could get heckled.

This is not something I think I would have had the confidence to attempt a few months ago. But I have this newfound energy. These newfound guts. So I tried it. And nobody heckled. And I made 15 dollars. And Shayna says this adorable boy who was eating his lunch by the fountain hit on me. But I'm pretty sure he was just asking me about some of my equipment. I'm still pretty oblivious to stuff like that. I was pretty sure he was hitting on her. It's going to be an adjustment to see myself as something othe than the DUFF.

I spent the rest of the time wandering around old stomping grounds and letting some of that magic set in. Then I drove home. I pretty much spent all of monday by myself, which was good too. Alone with my thoughts, letting the new york magic slowly leave me.

So I arrived back in Rhode Island pretty rejuvenated. I went to get some pants, and found out that I'm actually down 2 pants sizes. I then proceded to buy an exorbitant amount of clothes because, hello, that's effing awesome. I'm officially skinnier than I have been in like 10 years.  I'm a size 14. And while I still have a way to go, I'm officially in the realm of normal chubby. And that is an awesome feeling.

It is such an awesome feeling, in fact, that I dont feel the need to cheat on my diet anymore. I actually am relishing that hungry feeling, and that feeling that comes with eating healthy and sweating my butt off.

And just like that magic feeling I get in new york, I'm sure this feeling won't last. But I'm reveling in it while I can.

047: A hodgepodgey update

I know my blog posts have become more sporadic. And for that I apologize. It just seems that I have less to say these days. I mean how many times can you write "So I feel like crap and I have no appetite/drive to work out". In short, I have been fighting a lingering cold for a while, and that with the stress of the last few weeks have just left me tapped out and blah for so long, I didn't see the point of writing.

And for that I apologize too.

Rather than go into some ridiculous long winded rambling about the last couple of days, let me just touch on some bullet points.

Saturday (5/19/12)- Had my healthy potluck/game night. It was great to see all the ladies, who are all doing AMAZINGLY. (is amazingly a word? It is now!) It was really cool because everyone is trying different things and getting results. I guess something different works for everyone. We agreed to do another one next month and have it be a spa night. I love this idea. Manicures are my favorite thing.

Sunday (5/20/12)- Weigh and measure. Down another 6 lbs, which brings that total to 38lbs lost. That's right. Close to a third of the way there, kids. I was pretty excited, although a little perplexed, since I lost almost no inches. Where did those 6 lbs come from?

Monday (5/21/12) Went shopping for clothes at Old Navy, since my pants are literally falling off me. I managed to completely miss the time when a size 18 fit me. Now those are too big and I'm once again between sizes. Between a 16 and a 18. This is exciting though, because I have not been a size 16 since my senior year of high school. And heres the thing, normal sized friends who have never been heavy. A 14/16 is the difference, looks wise, and shopping wise, between "Obese can't buy clothes anywhere" and "Normal fat". "Normal fat" means I'm heavy and still have work to do, but I'm starting to sort of merge into that majoritty of women who are not ever going to be a size 2. I'm pretty excited about that prospect.

Tuesday (5/22/12) Caveman training at Laidback Fitness!  Ryan had me do some crazy stuff that day that has left me bruised up a bit, blistered up a bit, and with sore upper arms, but still an awesome workout. I did things that I never thought I could have the strength to do. By the time I am done with this whole losing weight thing, I am also going to be pretty deisel jacked. That's right. I will have muscles on my muscles and I'm pretty okay with that. A HUGE fear of mine is losing all this weight and having all that super unsightly loose skin everywhere. Working out is pretty essential to avoiding the whole sailboat arm thing that people tend to get. And as workouts go, this one is pretty tops. If you're looking for a personal training type situation and you live in the 401, I totally recommend this. Like I said. Muscles on top of muscles.

So today I really stuck to my herbalife diet more closely than I have in the last couple of days. I am really trying to get back on track. I think part of that will be writing down all of my food choices once again. I think consciously making a note of what I'm eating will greatly help me.

And, you know, since I love challenging myself, I'm going on a vacation for memorial day. I'm going to New York to spend time with one of my absolute best friends. Usually this means burgers, giant smoothies, takeout, and lots of vegging around. Last year I was in such bad shape I couldn't even really handle the walking around the city part. And this weekend it's supposed to rain. I'm going to bring my herbalife with me and really really try to stick to it on Saturday and Monday (keeping Sunday as my fun cheating day). But it's going to be tough since there are a lot of delicious things I can only get in New York that I miss terribly. Namely Jambajuice. I want a giant strawberry smoothie like it's my job. I'm just going to have to trek like 400 blocks to justify it.

I'm also going to really really try to get back into blogging daily, even if it's just my food intake and a couple of sentences. I think I was doing better when I was answering to all of you, dont you agree? And in the face of bathing suit season starting in a couple of weeks, it's crunch time!