So this week has thus far been uneventful in the world of my weight loss. I need to excercise more, and Im doing 2 workouts tomorrow for sure. I need to stick more rigidly to my diet, particularly portion sizes, but ever since my sister's bachelorette party weekend and my disappointing weigh in, I am discouraged and drained. I need something to reinvigorate me, energize me. But I don't know what that thing is.
Anyway, I said I would post about my opinions about the club/bar/dance party scene, and here we go. I got to thinking about this during the weekend, when my sister and her friends and myself went bar hopping for her bachelorette party. I got to thinking about how much I hate going to clubs and bars. I feel like a lot of heavier girls feel this way, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
Other than shopping, going to bars with my skinny friends is my least favorite thing to do with them. Why? Because of the whole being invisible to dudes thing. And I know everyone says "Oh I'm just here to dance", and to a certain extent I suppose you are, but at the same time, that attention is nice every once in a while. And anyone who says otherwise is in denial.
The thing is, even if you genuinely are "just there to dance", it can be really exasperating to be trying to have fun with your friends and constantly running interference and telling skeevy guys to kick rocks and stop trying to dance with your attractive friends. Especially when it brings into harsh focus the fact that nobody is trying to dance up on you.
I used to pretend I liekd to go out to these sort of venues. But mostly I'd hang back and drink copiously. I think that's also why I like gay bars. Gay guys, I've found, are less descriminating of your waist size, especially if you have a nice rack that they can motorboat. No trouble finding a dance partner there.
I guess what it comes down to is it's just another place where the thin and confident reign. One more place where it's tough to be so painfully self aware of your undesirable differences. One more place we are not welcome.
I've really got to get to the gym tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
032: dress fittings, cheat weekend, and the walk of dimes!
Holy smokes. It's been so long since I've blogged that I almost forgot how to do it.
So firstly, the weigh in. I, not suprisingly, lost only 1 pound and 4 inches, which brings my total to 24lbs and 27 inches lost. I was mildly disappointed and then I remembered that I didn't stay the same or gain any weight, so it wasn't a total loss. And my coach was still really optimistic. He says this will happen. I suppose if this is what a plateau looks like and I've still managed to lose weight, then I should be pleased, you know?
Anyway, after my weigh in began a weekend of absolute debauchery and bad decision making on my part. Think of the movie The Hangover except more boring because my life is not a movie. There was so much foods and alcohol consumption over the next two days that I don't even want to think about the caloric consequences of my actions. Needless to say, I will be hitting the gym VERY hard over the next two weeks in order to recover from it.
Am I disappointed in myself? No. It was my little sister's bachelorette party. In theory, this will only happen one time in her life. She had a great time, I had a great time. That's all that really matters. I feel like, while this journey definitely means changing my habits and being more conscious of what I am putting into my body, if I spend my whole life obsessing over every calorie, my life is still going to be passing me by.
Anyway. Then I had a dress fitting for the wedding. This is the first time I've gotten a negative response about losing so much weight and dropping 2 full dress sizes. She legit YELLED at me not to lose any more weight before the wedding (advice I am obviously not going to follow) and was a total bitch about the insane amount of alterations she had to do.
Which is funny because when I bought the dress and wanted to get it a size smaller, because the smaller size almsot fit and I was going to lose weight, I was looked up and down and then told in a condescending tone "Well it's easier to take it in than it is to let it out. So get this size."
Oh ye of little faith. Get sewing, bitch.
Anyway. The bachelorette party got me thinking about the nightlife scene and why I hate it so much. However, this thought is going to have to wait since I have a lot of working out to do tomorrow morning and it is already way past my bedtime. However, look forward to less sporadic posts in the coming days, since I feel I have neglected you for far too long!
Oh! And one last thing. I am participating in the march of dimes baby walk 2012. I am pretty excited about it. For one thing, it's great excercise, and for another, it's a great cause. So many babies are born with birth defects, and since it has touched the lives of some of the people I know, I am glad to do whatever I can to help. Ia m trying to raise 200 dollars, so if you, my supportive blog readers, would like to lend your support to me, adn to this worthwhile organization by sponsoring me with a flat rate tax deductible pledge, please do so <a href="http://marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp=4439678&ct=4&w=5646977&u=jlindseywhite">HERE!</a>
With that I am off for the night. Zumba and maybe a tanning adventure in the morning. Egads!
So firstly, the weigh in. I, not suprisingly, lost only 1 pound and 4 inches, which brings my total to 24lbs and 27 inches lost. I was mildly disappointed and then I remembered that I didn't stay the same or gain any weight, so it wasn't a total loss. And my coach was still really optimistic. He says this will happen. I suppose if this is what a plateau looks like and I've still managed to lose weight, then I should be pleased, you know?
Anyway, after my weigh in began a weekend of absolute debauchery and bad decision making on my part. Think of the movie The Hangover except more boring because my life is not a movie. There was so much foods and alcohol consumption over the next two days that I don't even want to think about the caloric consequences of my actions. Needless to say, I will be hitting the gym VERY hard over the next two weeks in order to recover from it.
Am I disappointed in myself? No. It was my little sister's bachelorette party. In theory, this will only happen one time in her life. She had a great time, I had a great time. That's all that really matters. I feel like, while this journey definitely means changing my habits and being more conscious of what I am putting into my body, if I spend my whole life obsessing over every calorie, my life is still going to be passing me by.
Anyway. Then I had a dress fitting for the wedding. This is the first time I've gotten a negative response about losing so much weight and dropping 2 full dress sizes. She legit YELLED at me not to lose any more weight before the wedding (advice I am obviously not going to follow) and was a total bitch about the insane amount of alterations she had to do.
Which is funny because when I bought the dress and wanted to get it a size smaller, because the smaller size almsot fit and I was going to lose weight, I was looked up and down and then told in a condescending tone "Well it's easier to take it in than it is to let it out. So get this size."
Oh ye of little faith. Get sewing, bitch.
Anyway. The bachelorette party got me thinking about the nightlife scene and why I hate it so much. However, this thought is going to have to wait since I have a lot of working out to do tomorrow morning and it is already way past my bedtime. However, look forward to less sporadic posts in the coming days, since I feel I have neglected you for far too long!
Oh! And one last thing. I am participating in the march of dimes baby walk 2012. I am pretty excited about it. For one thing, it's great excercise, and for another, it's a great cause. So many babies are born with birth defects, and since it has touched the lives of some of the people I know, I am glad to do whatever I can to help. Ia m trying to raise 200 dollars, so if you, my supportive blog readers, would like to lend your support to me, adn to this worthwhile organization by sponsoring me with a flat rate tax deductible pledge, please do so <a href="http://marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp=4439678&ct=4&w=5646977&u=jlindseywhite">HERE!</a>
With that I am off for the night. Zumba and maybe a tanning adventure in the morning. Egads!
Friday, April 20, 2012
031: Reflections at one month!
Well, kids. It's been a very interesting month. My weigh and measure is tomorrow, and it stands to reason I would at least lose a little. I am weighing in super early tomorrow because my sister's bachelorette party and bridal shower are both tomorrow. It's expensive, and time consuming. I hate throwing parties. It's too much pressure for everything to go perfectly.
You know what I do when I'm stressed out?
I eat!
But over the course of this month, so much has changed. I'm not hungry so I don't feel the need to eat. And even if I did I wouldnt want to ruin all this progress on the day before my weigh and measure just because I'm stressed.
Yesterday I got to hang out with my friend michelle. We had a girls night, which consisted of facials, manicures, pedicures, chick flicks... you know, the works. We have perfected this over the years, and usually it includes a pint of ben and jerry's ice cream... each. It's funny, how we do things like that and never think about how bad it is for our bodies, you know?
Last night I am proud to say I DID cheat on my super strict diet- by having some of the fruit that I'm not supposed to eat because it has natural sugars in it. That's right. I cheated on watermelon, grapes, strawberries, and pineapples. And I was really really pleased with that compromise, you know?
Changing my eating habits is just one thing I'm learning with herbalife. I'm learning strength and perserverence that I didn't know I had. I'm learning who my real friends are, including some people I didn't even know gave a crap about me. I'm learning to think positively and relish in those compromises and those small successes that are just tiny pieces of the big picture.
I guess what it all comes down to is that while it's only been a month, it feels like it's been way more time than that, since I've changed so much about my life in that time. I like it, and I like that feeling of knowing I'm never going back.
You know what I do when I'm stressed out?
I eat!
But over the course of this month, so much has changed. I'm not hungry so I don't feel the need to eat. And even if I did I wouldnt want to ruin all this progress on the day before my weigh and measure just because I'm stressed.
Yesterday I got to hang out with my friend michelle. We had a girls night, which consisted of facials, manicures, pedicures, chick flicks... you know, the works. We have perfected this over the years, and usually it includes a pint of ben and jerry's ice cream... each. It's funny, how we do things like that and never think about how bad it is for our bodies, you know?
Last night I am proud to say I DID cheat on my super strict diet- by having some of the fruit that I'm not supposed to eat because it has natural sugars in it. That's right. I cheated on watermelon, grapes, strawberries, and pineapples. And I was really really pleased with that compromise, you know?
Changing my eating habits is just one thing I'm learning with herbalife. I'm learning strength and perserverence that I didn't know I had. I'm learning who my real friends are, including some people I didn't even know gave a crap about me. I'm learning to think positively and relish in those compromises and those small successes that are just tiny pieces of the big picture.
I guess what it all comes down to is that while it's only been a month, it feels like it's been way more time than that, since I've changed so much about my life in that time. I like it, and I like that feeling of knowing I'm never going back.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
030: Spring has sprung!
Today my allergies and being run down from these horrid 11 hour days has definitely started to get to me. I need to be asleep NOW. But I was determined to get this one little blog in before I pass out.
Today I ventured out to a providence knitting group hosted by my friend Jake and Sarah ( of the 20/40 project ). It was nice. I almost didn't make it since, unlike in the old days, I couldn't just run through a drive through after work to get my foods. Especially since I wasn't all that active today, so sticking to the diet is paramount. Instead I had to actually go home and spend time cooking, eating, and cleaning up a healthy meal. Being healthy is really time consuming.
It was great to get out into a social setting that wasn't all about food and drink. Instead it is about knitting (at which I am a total beginner compared to these people, but I enjoyed it the same) and talk about everything. I tried not to be too boring and talk only about working out and dieting, which is kind of all I have going on right now.
Somehow the topic got on this one person I loathe. There are not many people I loathe, but she would be atop the list. She was absolutely heinous to me for no reason whatsoever, except that she is probably a really heinous human being. And it got me to thinking about all of those people in my life. All of those people who have made me miserable in the past, and how, just like with my eating, I gave them so much power in my life. I have let people control my moods by being consumed with earning their approval when they were never going to give it to me in the first place.
A friend and reader of this blog sent me a message about cutting negative family members out of her life and hwo it positively impacted her life, and I said I didn't thiink I was brave enough to do it. But maybe I am ready to take the control back in all aspects of my life. If I cut that one heinous person out (and I did) then surely I can do it again, right?
Today I ventured out to a providence knitting group hosted by my friend Jake and Sarah ( of the 20/40 project ). It was nice. I almost didn't make it since, unlike in the old days, I couldn't just run through a drive through after work to get my foods. Especially since I wasn't all that active today, so sticking to the diet is paramount. Instead I had to actually go home and spend time cooking, eating, and cleaning up a healthy meal. Being healthy is really time consuming.
It was great to get out into a social setting that wasn't all about food and drink. Instead it is about knitting (at which I am a total beginner compared to these people, but I enjoyed it the same) and talk about everything. I tried not to be too boring and talk only about working out and dieting, which is kind of all I have going on right now.
Somehow the topic got on this one person I loathe. There are not many people I loathe, but she would be atop the list. She was absolutely heinous to me for no reason whatsoever, except that she is probably a really heinous human being. And it got me to thinking about all of those people in my life. All of those people who have made me miserable in the past, and how, just like with my eating, I gave them so much power in my life. I have let people control my moods by being consumed with earning their approval when they were never going to give it to me in the first place.
A friend and reader of this blog sent me a message about cutting negative family members out of her life and hwo it positively impacted her life, and I said I didn't thiink I was brave enough to do it. But maybe I am ready to take the control back in all aspects of my life. If I cut that one heinous person out (and I did) then surely I can do it again, right?
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
029: Not Much to Report!
Today has been mostly status quo, folks. Stuck to my diet pretty religiously, and in lieu of the gym played kickball, ran relay races, jumped rope, and played knockout basketball for 2.5 hours. It feels so good to be able to keep up with my kids at work, and they have noticed. This little boy, Tyler, looked up at me during kickball and said "miss jen, you're fun!" I've known tyler for 3 years and he has never said that before. He also has never seemed so genuinely suprised in his life.
Tonight will be my pampering night for the week. Paint my nails, maybe put on a facial mask, typical girly stuff. Other than cheat day, it's something I genuinely look forward to every week! hah.
Also today, on the way home, I got to thinking about dudes. I have been trying, in this zen monastic state, not to think about men or dating at all lately. And I've been doing a pretty good job. But come on, I'm only human.
And I got to thinking about the guys I've met, pined for, dated or not dated in the last 5 or so years. Which made me wonder how many guys I've lost out on because of my size.
I mean, don't get me wrong, the inner feminist in me wants to scream that if a guy cares that much about dress size and can't love me for who I really am then fuck them, but still. Psychology states that all men are subconsciously attracted to a specific waist to hip ratio, because in their mind that means that a girl will be better at furthering their genetic line. They are biased against massively skinny skeletal girls as well.
Also, your mind subconsciously puts people into categories to make thinking easier. These categories are called schemas, and overweight people are considered less pleasant, less organized, less desirable in just about every way than skinny people. And of course that's not true, but come on. We all do it without thinking. I've even done it before.
I'm looking forward to gaining a little self confidence and getting back out there and testing this theory. Part of me worries that I will still strike out and then will have to face the scary reality that maybe all men are not shallow and that my singledom has nothing to do with my size, but rather some incurable personality flaw, but it will be another exciting adventure anyway.
I suppose that's it for today. My siser's wedding is getting closer and with it, the first pictures that will be taken of me since I started this whole thing. And after the wedding I will be foraying back into the social scene that I have missed so much, ready to say things like "no thanks, I'm not hungry" and "I'll just be having water tonight".
It's going to be interesting, to say the least!
And for those of you keeping track... my chicken didn't thaw in time, so today's food alotment was pretty much exactly the same as yesterdays.
Tonight will be my pampering night for the week. Paint my nails, maybe put on a facial mask, typical girly stuff. Other than cheat day, it's something I genuinely look forward to every week! hah.
Also today, on the way home, I got to thinking about dudes. I have been trying, in this zen monastic state, not to think about men or dating at all lately. And I've been doing a pretty good job. But come on, I'm only human.
And I got to thinking about the guys I've met, pined for, dated or not dated in the last 5 or so years. Which made me wonder how many guys I've lost out on because of my size.
I mean, don't get me wrong, the inner feminist in me wants to scream that if a guy cares that much about dress size and can't love me for who I really am then fuck them, but still. Psychology states that all men are subconsciously attracted to a specific waist to hip ratio, because in their mind that means that a girl will be better at furthering their genetic line. They are biased against massively skinny skeletal girls as well.
Also, your mind subconsciously puts people into categories to make thinking easier. These categories are called schemas, and overweight people are considered less pleasant, less organized, less desirable in just about every way than skinny people. And of course that's not true, but come on. We all do it without thinking. I've even done it before.
I'm looking forward to gaining a little self confidence and getting back out there and testing this theory. Part of me worries that I will still strike out and then will have to face the scary reality that maybe all men are not shallow and that my singledom has nothing to do with my size, but rather some incurable personality flaw, but it will be another exciting adventure anyway.
I suppose that's it for today. My siser's wedding is getting closer and with it, the first pictures that will be taken of me since I started this whole thing. And after the wedding I will be foraying back into the social scene that I have missed so much, ready to say things like "no thanks, I'm not hungry" and "I'll just be having water tonight".
It's going to be interesting, to say the least!
And for those of you keeping track... my chicken didn't thaw in time, so today's food alotment was pretty much exactly the same as yesterdays.
Monday, April 16, 2012
028: Not as hard as it looked?
Did you think I forgot to post?
Never! My schedule is, as I've said before, just a little wacko this week.
However, day one is done, I'm showered, I've got a salad, and in approximately 18 minutes I will get to enjoy How I Met Your Mother which is something I usually have to hulu because I miss it working til 9, and you know what?
It wasn't that bad.
Before you ask, I didn't go to the gym today. However, I did spend an hour walking to and from Cold spring park with the kids from my daycare, and spent my time there running around and playing catch. My legs hurt, so I must have gotten a great workout!
And I think that sticking to my diet will be a lot easier this week, since i ate a burger and fries and a slice of birthday cake at my dad's birthday party last night. I didn't even finish HALF of my dinner, and had like 3 bites of dessert. (which, a month ago, would have been super weird) and was violently ill. I haven't really eaten like that to that extent all month. My body reacted angrily, and I still feel a bit sickish. It's like my stomach is shrinking. And becoming more intolerant of crap food. What's more, I'm actually craving the healthy stuff. Whoda thunk? Today I came home jonesing for a nice... salad?
Who craves salad?
Am I losing my mind?
If I am, I kind of like it.
Hopefully the rest of this week will be this effortless. I have a feeling it won't be, but a girl can dream, right?
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5: 237lbs
Breakfast: Oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake
Dinner: garden salad and 150 calorie pizza
Snack one: 1 granola square and 1 plum
Snack 2: 1 peach, and 1 rice cake
And 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 6 8oz glasses of water
Never! My schedule is, as I've said before, just a little wacko this week.
However, day one is done, I'm showered, I've got a salad, and in approximately 18 minutes I will get to enjoy How I Met Your Mother which is something I usually have to hulu because I miss it working til 9, and you know what?
It wasn't that bad.
Before you ask, I didn't go to the gym today. However, I did spend an hour walking to and from Cold spring park with the kids from my daycare, and spent my time there running around and playing catch. My legs hurt, so I must have gotten a great workout!
And I think that sticking to my diet will be a lot easier this week, since i ate a burger and fries and a slice of birthday cake at my dad's birthday party last night. I didn't even finish HALF of my dinner, and had like 3 bites of dessert. (which, a month ago, would have been super weird) and was violently ill. I haven't really eaten like that to that extent all month. My body reacted angrily, and I still feel a bit sickish. It's like my stomach is shrinking. And becoming more intolerant of crap food. What's more, I'm actually craving the healthy stuff. Whoda thunk? Today I came home jonesing for a nice... salad?
Who craves salad?
Am I losing my mind?
If I am, I kind of like it.
Hopefully the rest of this week will be this effortless. I have a feeling it won't be, but a girl can dream, right?
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5: 237lbs
Breakfast: Oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake
Dinner: garden salad and 150 calorie pizza
Snack one: 1 granola square and 1 plum
Snack 2: 1 peach, and 1 rice cake
And 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 6 8oz glasses of water
Sunday, April 15, 2012
027: If you want results, you've gotta do the work.
Weigh and measure time, kids!
So, as I expected, I didn't lose as much as I've lost in the last 3 weeks. However, I was just hoping to maintain and not gain. I am pleased to report that I lost 3 pounds! Also, which is both perplexing and amazing, I lost another 7.4 inches off my body. That brings the total to 23 pounds and 20.4 inches lost so far. Which is pretty good for a month, if you ask me. :) Especially when you consider that my goal was to lose 10 lbs a month, and I more than doubled that this month. You can't lose 7 pounds every week. Eventually, your body will need time to catch up.
Today Josh also asked if I would be interested in someday becoming a coach today at our meeting. I am definitely thinking about it. I don't think I know even close to enough to help someone lose weight yet, but hopefully, by the time I am 97 lbs skinnier, I will. I am learning something new every single day, so it is entirely possible.
One thing I WOULD like to learn (and again I'm going to reach out to all of you who might be reading this) is what the EFF to do to lose the paunch around my lower abs. I am watching everything else literally melt away, and this annoying like pocket of fat is just there to stay. I do upwards of 500 crunches daily. There's gotta be a six pack under there somewhere, but how do I get rid of the stuff on top? I am open to suggestions!
Yesterday night I went dress shopping with my mom. I'm officially down a dress size and then some. I got the cutest dress and sweater to wear to the bridal shower next weekend. Then I went to the carnival at the end of our street with my roommate. I spent all my money on games (rides were already closed down) and did not buy a single slushie or fried oreo. And I was pretty proud of that.
Today I get to hang out with the best little sister ever, and then go and celebrate my dad's birthday. Then starts the hellatious week from hell. Wish me luck, and expect tired/cranky entries to follow. For that, I am sorry!
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5!!! 237 lbs
Breakfast: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Snack 1: 100 calorie bag of popcorn
Snack 2: 1 rice cake/1 plum
Dinner: 1 bowl of cheerios in 1 cup skim milk, 1 peach
Also 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 4 80z glasses of water (I am all out of green tea!)
So, as I expected, I didn't lose as much as I've lost in the last 3 weeks. However, I was just hoping to maintain and not gain. I am pleased to report that I lost 3 pounds! Also, which is both perplexing and amazing, I lost another 7.4 inches off my body. That brings the total to 23 pounds and 20.4 inches lost so far. Which is pretty good for a month, if you ask me. :) Especially when you consider that my goal was to lose 10 lbs a month, and I more than doubled that this month. You can't lose 7 pounds every week. Eventually, your body will need time to catch up.
Today Josh also asked if I would be interested in someday becoming a coach today at our meeting. I am definitely thinking about it. I don't think I know even close to enough to help someone lose weight yet, but hopefully, by the time I am 97 lbs skinnier, I will. I am learning something new every single day, so it is entirely possible.
One thing I WOULD like to learn (and again I'm going to reach out to all of you who might be reading this) is what the EFF to do to lose the paunch around my lower abs. I am watching everything else literally melt away, and this annoying like pocket of fat is just there to stay. I do upwards of 500 crunches daily. There's gotta be a six pack under there somewhere, but how do I get rid of the stuff on top? I am open to suggestions!
Yesterday night I went dress shopping with my mom. I'm officially down a dress size and then some. I got the cutest dress and sweater to wear to the bridal shower next weekend. Then I went to the carnival at the end of our street with my roommate. I spent all my money on games (rides were already closed down) and did not buy a single slushie or fried oreo. And I was pretty proud of that.
Today I get to hang out with the best little sister ever, and then go and celebrate my dad's birthday. Then starts the hellatious week from hell. Wish me luck, and expect tired/cranky entries to follow. For that, I am sorry!
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5!!! 237 lbs
Breakfast: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Snack 1: 100 calorie bag of popcorn
Snack 2: 1 rice cake/1 plum
Dinner: 1 bowl of cheerios in 1 cup skim milk, 1 peach
Also 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 4 80z glasses of water (I am all out of green tea!)
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