I know what you're thinking.
You haven't heard from me in a month. The last time this happened, I had fallen off the wagon with my eating/excercising routine, gained ten pounds, had an absolute anxiety attack, and ditched my coach. It was dark times. So you must be wondering, you handful of people who actually still read this "has she fallen off the wagon again?"
Nope! In the words of one of my elementary schoolers "Boombah!"
I have continued to lose weight pretty steadily, although its more like a pound or two a week. Sometimes I stay the same too. Someone said to me that it's important that I can look at that as success and be happy with it.
And I am. I really really am. I don't even have to "look at it as success", because it IS success. Every pound lost is a victory, and this is the healthy way to lose weight. Losing 7-10 pounds a week is not sustainable long term, and is really bad for you. Losing 1-2 lbs a week is good, and it's had great results I havent experienced with that more major weight loss. For instance, I'm starting to notice some awesome muscle definition in my abs and arms (halfway to a six pack, whaaaaat?) which is reassuring because I was really worried that that skin wouldn't snap back because I was losing weight too quickly and not gaining anymuscle. So I am happy. REally really happy.
I won't lie and say it's been easy, because especially with the change in routine as my schedule as moved back to school year split shifts, I am struggling, especially with the food schedule. But my coach has been AMAZING at keeping me on track, keeping up with me via text messages weekly,and giving me pep talks when I am struggling. It just re-affirms to me that I made the right choice in switching. Marie speaks my language and while I have definitely not stuck to the diet 100 percent, she encourages me to find healthy ways to maintain this as a LIFESTYLE, not some crazy fad diet that I'm going to do for 6 months and then go back to my old ways.
What has worked for me in the last month, really, has been keeping pretty strictly with my diet during the week, excercising when I can, and letting loose on the weekends. Work hard, play hard right?
I guess that's really why I haven't updated lately. I've been so busy enjoying my life that I forgot to tell everyone all about it. It seems to be a lot easier to write here when I NEED to, when things are bad and I need to put it all out there and see what bounces back in the way of advice and encouragement (which you are all amazing at), but when things are going good, well, I'm just a little too busy to share all the good news.
Aside from work changing, I have been making a concentrated effort to be better at getting together with friends. Typically after work/working out, I am so sleepy that my bed and a movie are really the only things I have any interest in. I'm also really trying to get back into music. The album has stalled, and that's okay. I really don't have the chutzpah to get it all in line with everything else going on right now. I am, however, playing out a lot more and writing a bunch. And there's something to be said for that.
Oh, and I've been dating.
That's what I really wanted to write about here, I suppose. Dating. Guys are an incredibly good motivator to staying on track with this whole weight loss thing, for a lot of reasons. I think the biggest is my Self-esteem. I have had pretty low self-esteem when it came to guys, for pretty much my whole life. Lots of rejection in high school led to lots of me dating the wrong guys as I got older- guys who didn't necessarily always treat me very well or who weren't what I needed- guys I hung onto for way too long because in the back of my mind, I thought it was at least better than being alone. Because maybe this was the best I could do, you know? I think I figured nobody would want me because I didn't see a person anyone would possibly find attractive. But now, I feel genuinely good about myself on the outside, which has sort of helped me feel better about all of the stuff on the inside too, you know? The outside is just a shell, but I needed a little more confidence in it if I was going to LET anybody see the rest.
And it wasn't just that. I think my body image kept me from talking to guys, but it also kept me from dressing up (which I love love love to do now), and gave me a pretty fair amount of anxiety about sleeping with someone. I wasn't anxious about sex, I was anxious about being naked. In front of another person. If you're not a size 0, I know you know what I mean. And it took me a long time to realize that EVERYONE is insecure about their bodies. I felt like it was just me struggling with this, and, being the neurotic ridiculous person that I was, I let it control my dating life. Trying to think of ways to sleep with a guy without him having to see you take your clothes off is EXHAUSTING. And the thought of a guy being turned off by the way you look when you're already in such a vulnerable position... well for the most part, in my llife, I just sort of stayed away from the whole thing until recently.
Not to say that I'm whoring it up with every guy I meet, but I feel a lot better about the way I look in a dress.... or out of a dress, and it just takes a lot of the pressure off of dating. I feel like I can just be myself. I don't have anything to compensate for. I don't have anything to prove. So I have been out there a lot more, with mixed results. Went on a few dates with maybe the most awkward man on earth, went out with a filmmaker who I was really into but who never called me again (and rejection is a lot easier when you feel like it's not about the way you look, and you don't feel like the wya you look is so impossible to change that nobody will ever be interested).
Mostly I've just been figuring out what I want. And I think that definitely has to do with this new spot in my life too. My coach said it best when she was talking about her own dating life and said that a guy who sits on the couch and eats doritos all day just won't do. I think it would be way too easy to slip back into old habits that way. Like a recovered alcoholic dating someone with an unresolved drinking problem. I need someone who inspires and motivates me, and who I feel like I need to keep up with. In addition to all the other stuff I've learned that I need/want over the years, I feel like this is really really important. Just like I think people need to be at the same place with regards to maturity, intelligence, and lifestyle, I think their fitness level needs to be comparable too. And I'm finding that maybe that person is out there, and maybe isn't quite as impossible to find as I thought.
I guess I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still out here, still doing well, still working hard, and figuring it all out. And even though I don't write all the time,and probably still won't, I'm still thinking about you guys and hoping you're doing well, too.
