Not much to report today. Went to the gym before work. I have actually re-arranged my saturday work schedule so I can go to the gym in the morning, since I have found that if I go in the afternoon I am pretty much useless.
People at the gym make me laugh. There's the old ladies walking .2 miles and using 2.5 pound weights to get lean and mean. They're cute.
Today I was on the elliptical between a guy in his 20s who was pedalling as fast as his little chicken legs could carry him, all the while with a super serious expression on his face. The girl on the other side of me was listening to the katy perry album and singing along really loudly while air punching/fist pumping along to the music. She was also tone deaf.
But my favorite people to watch and laugh at at the gym are the, as my friend Shayna calls them "skinnyfat". These are the guys and girls who I could watch for my entire workout and they never actually touch a weight, machine, or do any type of excercising at all. They are probably really out of shape, but the point is that they look hot. So what do these people do at the gym, you ask? Simple. They carry water bottles and walk around in their spandex outfits talking to other skinnyfats. It's a bizarre social/mating ritual that I don't get. But it's pretty amusing. Today a guy in front of my eliptical was "spotting" his friend who was actually lifting weights. Spotting, for him, meant standing around texting, and occasionally looking around at the ladies who were passing by and flexing his pecs.
That's right. Flexing his pecs. I kid you not.
Why go to the gym if you're not going to work out? I hate the gym. I have to force myself to go there 60 percent of the time. I get sweaty and disgusting and hurt for hours afterwards sometimes. Why would ANYONE think that is an ideal place to meet people? I mostly keep my head down and hope nobody notices me melting away in the corner. Oh skinnyfats. You amuse me to no end.
I won a free personal traning session at my gym. So on monday I'm going to spend an hour being pushed to my limits by a guido juicehead jersey shore reject (that is seriously what all of the trainers at my gym look like). I will undoubtedly sweat, cry, and most likely puke a couple of times. But yeah. It should be a fantastically humbling and frustrating experience. I know. You can't wait to read all about it. ;)
But all in all I am still doing really well. Trying to ride this momentum. Weigh in tomorrow. Moment of truth.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
011: The Hunger Games
So I know it's technically Saturday (day 12) but I am determined to do a post a day, so I must finish this post before bed. You can expect another today (tomorrow? today).
Today was the busiest day I've had in my diet so far. It was rough. Normally I can plan out my meals and snacks and while I am ALWAYS busy, I also make sure I have enough time to keep all my ducks in a row. I think that's important.
However, today I had work. then I had to go to Boston for a meeting with my producer and the label people, which was awesome! They are pretty adamant about me not using any friends, since they think hiring session performers to be my backing band will be more sufficient. I was kind of bummed about that, since I think I would be more comfortable with some friends to take along with me on this adventure, but que sera sera. Session musicians it is. We begin pre-production at the end of june and will be laying down tracks before the end of summer 2012, with a November release date tentative. So that's exciting.
But then on the way home, I hit massive traffic, and tried to go around it and got lost. Plus, we had a HUGE parent event at work tonight and I had to pick up supplies for that. The whole day was just constant running around. I'm pretty proud that I stayed really close to my nutrition plan though. The only thing that probably wasn't great was the subway sandwich that I had for lunch instead of my nice organic chicken and field greens that I had waiting for me at home. Oh well. At least I didn't eat any pizza at our parent event. You do what you can.
It's getting easier to be social without food. Tonight, I went to see The Hunger Games with Matt and Mike from work. Hah, hunger games. It just occurred to me how the title (alone- the movie actually has pretty little to do with actually being physically hungry in your stomach) sort of relatesto me! Still getting pretty bad hunger pangs, but they are fewer and far between. I have to say, I think it's the first time in maybe ever that I've gone to a movie and not gotten popcorn and soda. It was a little weird at first, but it was also nice not having to get up in the middle of the movie to pee. So that was a plus.
So all in all, this was a pretty rough week, very taxing emotionally and physically. And maybe there was potential for me to do better. But I did the best I could in the situations I was in, and I am pretty darn happy with that.
Oh, and I lost another 2-4 lbs (my mother couldnt remember how far her scale was off).
So that brings the total to 10/12 lbs in 12 days. I think that's just fine with me.
Today was the busiest day I've had in my diet so far. It was rough. Normally I can plan out my meals and snacks and while I am ALWAYS busy, I also make sure I have enough time to keep all my ducks in a row. I think that's important.
However, today I had work. then I had to go to Boston for a meeting with my producer and the label people, which was awesome! They are pretty adamant about me not using any friends, since they think hiring session performers to be my backing band will be more sufficient. I was kind of bummed about that, since I think I would be more comfortable with some friends to take along with me on this adventure, but que sera sera. Session musicians it is. We begin pre-production at the end of june and will be laying down tracks before the end of summer 2012, with a November release date tentative. So that's exciting.
But then on the way home, I hit massive traffic, and tried to go around it and got lost. Plus, we had a HUGE parent event at work tonight and I had to pick up supplies for that. The whole day was just constant running around. I'm pretty proud that I stayed really close to my nutrition plan though. The only thing that probably wasn't great was the subway sandwich that I had for lunch instead of my nice organic chicken and field greens that I had waiting for me at home. Oh well. At least I didn't eat any pizza at our parent event. You do what you can.
It's getting easier to be social without food. Tonight, I went to see The Hunger Games with Matt and Mike from work. Hah, hunger games. It just occurred to me how the title (alone- the movie actually has pretty little to do with actually being physically hungry in your stomach) sort of relatesto me! Still getting pretty bad hunger pangs, but they are fewer and far between. I have to say, I think it's the first time in maybe ever that I've gone to a movie and not gotten popcorn and soda. It was a little weird at first, but it was also nice not having to get up in the middle of the movie to pee. So that was a plus.
So all in all, this was a pretty rough week, very taxing emotionally and physically. And maybe there was potential for me to do better. But I did the best I could in the situations I was in, and I am pretty darn happy with that.
Oh, and I lost another 2-4 lbs (my mother couldnt remember how far her scale was off).
So that brings the total to 10/12 lbs in 12 days. I think that's just fine with me.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
010: Recommitting
Hello out there!
First of all, I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of support, as always. My last post got so much positive feedback, and a lot of amazing suggestions for overcoming cravings. Normally, what I do when I am craving something unhealthy is do something else for myself. I paint my nails, or put on a facial mask or take a bubble bath. Some other treat for myself and my body that makes me feel good and takes my mind off of whatever it is I'm craving. It was kind of impossible to do that yesterday though, being swamped with work.
I looked up some great healthy alternatives to pizza. Thanks for the suggestion, Maggie, but that "meatza" kind of grossed me out. It did get me thinking though, about alternatives. I think I'm going to try and make whole wheat english muffin pizzas as a treat sometime next week.
Oh, and Sarah- thanks for the shoutout in your blog , that was very cool. Your suggestion of talking to my cat about people I hate made me laugh out loud, as did your inference that there were roaches in pizza cheese. It was very sweet of you to reach out to me like that, and I really want to try your Kale Chip recipe. We should have a healthy eating night sometime soon. Like a little soiree.
So yesterday, despite all of your support, I did cheat just a little.
In the spirit of keeping positive, I did not have pizza. And I picked a snack that, while unhealthy, was a way way WAY smaller portion that I usually would have had. And you know what? It didn't even taste as good as I was expecting it to. It was kind of a disappointment all around. I'm not letting that get me off track though. I saw it as an opportunity to re-commit to this diet and to getting fit and getting the body that I want. Today is a new day. I went 10 days without veering off my diet even a little bit. This time I want to see if I can go 20.
Here's the thing though. If I'm in this for the long haul- not just a year but for healthy habits for life- I think I've got to realize that things like this are going to happen. Food addiction is the only thing I can't quit cold turkey. Because then people will accuse me of having an eating disorder. I've got to simply learn to accept these little moments, control them, and move on. I think it's unrealistic to say "I am never going to eat or drink anything unhealthy ever again", because you and I both know that's totally not going to last. At the very least, I have a couple of weddings coming up, and there will be eating and drinking at both of these that will probably be pretty unhealthy. But screw it. Those days are going to happen.
I just can't let those days define my entire experience. I can't say "well, I had french fries, I guess I'm done losing weight now. Bring on the pizza and booze!". Instead, I have to say "okay, this happened. Don't let it happen again for a while."
So yeah. I guess I'm not as unhappy with myself as I thought I was going to be after having that little indulgence. I think, in fact, that I needed it to stop thinking about junk food all the time and move on with this diet. And, you know, I debated not even writing about this, about hiding it from all of you out there. Because I felt like you would be more unhappy and disappointed in me than I was. But this is the truth of it. And when have you ever known me to shy away from the truth?
Week 2: 252 lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in milk. green tea.
snack 1: 20 unsalted almonds
Lunch: 1 cup cheerios in 1 cup skim milk. green tea. 1 small peach.
snack 2: 15 french fries (egads!)
Dinner: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water
also 6 80z glasses of water, 2 multivitamins, 1 aloe shot, and 1 cell activators
First of all, I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of support, as always. My last post got so much positive feedback, and a lot of amazing suggestions for overcoming cravings. Normally, what I do when I am craving something unhealthy is do something else for myself. I paint my nails, or put on a facial mask or take a bubble bath. Some other treat for myself and my body that makes me feel good and takes my mind off of whatever it is I'm craving. It was kind of impossible to do that yesterday though, being swamped with work.
I looked up some great healthy alternatives to pizza. Thanks for the suggestion, Maggie, but that "meatza" kind of grossed me out. It did get me thinking though, about alternatives. I think I'm going to try and make whole wheat english muffin pizzas as a treat sometime next week.
Oh, and Sarah- thanks for the shoutout in your blog , that was very cool. Your suggestion of talking to my cat about people I hate made me laugh out loud, as did your inference that there were roaches in pizza cheese. It was very sweet of you to reach out to me like that, and I really want to try your Kale Chip recipe. We should have a healthy eating night sometime soon. Like a little soiree.
So yesterday, despite all of your support, I did cheat just a little.
In the spirit of keeping positive, I did not have pizza. And I picked a snack that, while unhealthy, was a way way WAY smaller portion that I usually would have had. And you know what? It didn't even taste as good as I was expecting it to. It was kind of a disappointment all around. I'm not letting that get me off track though. I saw it as an opportunity to re-commit to this diet and to getting fit and getting the body that I want. Today is a new day. I went 10 days without veering off my diet even a little bit. This time I want to see if I can go 20.
Here's the thing though. If I'm in this for the long haul- not just a year but for healthy habits for life- I think I've got to realize that things like this are going to happen. Food addiction is the only thing I can't quit cold turkey. Because then people will accuse me of having an eating disorder. I've got to simply learn to accept these little moments, control them, and move on. I think it's unrealistic to say "I am never going to eat or drink anything unhealthy ever again", because you and I both know that's totally not going to last. At the very least, I have a couple of weddings coming up, and there will be eating and drinking at both of these that will probably be pretty unhealthy. But screw it. Those days are going to happen.
I just can't let those days define my entire experience. I can't say "well, I had french fries, I guess I'm done losing weight now. Bring on the pizza and booze!". Instead, I have to say "okay, this happened. Don't let it happen again for a while."
So yeah. I guess I'm not as unhappy with myself as I thought I was going to be after having that little indulgence. I think, in fact, that I needed it to stop thinking about junk food all the time and move on with this diet. And, you know, I debated not even writing about this, about hiding it from all of you out there. Because I felt like you would be more unhappy and disappointed in me than I was. But this is the truth of it. And when have you ever known me to shy away from the truth?
Week 2: 252 lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in milk. green tea.
snack 1: 20 unsalted almonds
Lunch: 1 cup cheerios in 1 cup skim milk. green tea. 1 small peach.
snack 2: 15 french fries (egads!)
Dinner: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water
also 6 80z glasses of water, 2 multivitamins, 1 aloe shot, and 1 cell activators
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
009: "The doughnut moment"
I am determined to post in this every day for the next year. I think it keeps me accountable for my weight loss, and it's something to do. Some days I have trouble coming up with things to say.
Today is not one of those days.
I've been getting a lot of texts, calls, comments and emails about this blog. Yesterday I got an email from my friend Sarah, who is sort of in the same boat as me. She and her friend Erin also started a blog about their experience. You can read it online here: ( http://www.twenty40.wordpress.com ) I LOVE their blog. It's really great that they are working together to lose weight and improve their health. It makes me sort of long to be on a team like that, to have that support system, someone who understands what you're going through picking you up when you fall down. Then I remember I have all of you, cheering me on. And I don't feel so lonesome anymore.
Anyway.
Erin made a post that really resonated with me. She thanked sarah basically for talking her through a tough moment, which she described as a "doughnut moment". She was really stressed out and just really was craving a gooey sugary fried piece of doughy goodness. It happens to the best of us. But when you're not skinny, or you're trying to lose weight, you have to force yourself to ignore those cravings. And it absolutely sucks.
Right now I am immensely stressed out. I have a massive evaluation today at work (the kind of evaluation that will determine whether I get a promotion or a pink slip) I have a million things to do for my sister's bridal shower, and I have some major decisions and work to do if I'm ever going to get an album off the ground. Part of me wants to be zen and say it's all going to work out. But that has never been me, and it probably will not ever be me. I need to stress and obsess over every single tiny detail until I am a giant ball of nerves on the day of the event, and then collapse as soon as it's over. That's sort of how I tend to operate.
And good grief do I want a piece of pizza.
Or, you know, an entire pizza.
This is my doughnut moment. My ledge that I need to be talked off of. I have literally been dreaming of pizza for the last 2 days. Writing little odes to the cheesy, oily, doughy salty delightfulness while I'm chewing sugar free gum and drinking massive amounts of water convincing myself I am not hungry. And I'm probably not hungry, I'm just stressed. And I want one of my go-to comfort foods. What's tough for me is that I have never craved sweets. I don't have a sweet tooth at all. If I did, it would be easy. The shakes are like drinking sweet chocolate milkshakes. But no. I have always craved savory snacks, and those are pretty much no-nos.
As it was, I sort of had a day where I was feeling particularly fat and unproductive yesterday. I ate pretzels (granted, they were 100 calorie unsalted pretzels, but still- no nutritional value whatsoever) and didn't work out. I cleaned my apartment pretty thoroughly but other than that I just sort of lazed around, watching tv and reading. And while that used to be my daily routine, now it leaves me feeling disappointed in myself. Remorseful. And feeling sad makes me want to eat even more. It's just bad news all around.
In her blog, Erin got through her "doughnut moment" by going and buying a nice gym bag instead. I could do something like that, but I really shouldnt be spending money on anything not work/bridal shower/basic human needs related. I don't have the time to work out today, with this evaluation coming up. I'm pretty much going to be living at work. So, any suggestions as to how to push through this? I'm open to pretty much anything to get out of this little funk, folks. Because little doughnut moments like this can make or break this entire commitment.
Week 2: 252.5
Breakfast- herbalife shake w/protein powder in milk, green tea
Snack 1- 100 calorie unsalted popcorn
Lunch- grilled lemon pepper chicken, 1/4 cup whole wheat pasta, 1/8 cup pasta sauce (organic, low sodium), 1 cucumber, sliced, green tea, lemon water
Snack 2- 1 plum, 1 100 calorie bag of unsalted pretzels
Dinner- Herbalife shake with protein powder in water
Also: multivitamins, cell activators, 6 80z glasses of water, b12 supplement
Excercise: none
Today is not one of those days.
I've been getting a lot of texts, calls, comments and emails about this blog. Yesterday I got an email from my friend Sarah, who is sort of in the same boat as me. She and her friend Erin also started a blog about their experience. You can read it online here: ( http://www.twenty40.wordpress.com ) I LOVE their blog. It's really great that they are working together to lose weight and improve their health. It makes me sort of long to be on a team like that, to have that support system, someone who understands what you're going through picking you up when you fall down. Then I remember I have all of you, cheering me on. And I don't feel so lonesome anymore.
Anyway.
Erin made a post that really resonated with me. She thanked sarah basically for talking her through a tough moment, which she described as a "doughnut moment". She was really stressed out and just really was craving a gooey sugary fried piece of doughy goodness. It happens to the best of us. But when you're not skinny, or you're trying to lose weight, you have to force yourself to ignore those cravings. And it absolutely sucks.
Right now I am immensely stressed out. I have a massive evaluation today at work (the kind of evaluation that will determine whether I get a promotion or a pink slip) I have a million things to do for my sister's bridal shower, and I have some major decisions and work to do if I'm ever going to get an album off the ground. Part of me wants to be zen and say it's all going to work out. But that has never been me, and it probably will not ever be me. I need to stress and obsess over every single tiny detail until I am a giant ball of nerves on the day of the event, and then collapse as soon as it's over. That's sort of how I tend to operate.
And good grief do I want a piece of pizza.
Or, you know, an entire pizza.
This is my doughnut moment. My ledge that I need to be talked off of. I have literally been dreaming of pizza for the last 2 days. Writing little odes to the cheesy, oily, doughy salty delightfulness while I'm chewing sugar free gum and drinking massive amounts of water convincing myself I am not hungry. And I'm probably not hungry, I'm just stressed. And I want one of my go-to comfort foods. What's tough for me is that I have never craved sweets. I don't have a sweet tooth at all. If I did, it would be easy. The shakes are like drinking sweet chocolate milkshakes. But no. I have always craved savory snacks, and those are pretty much no-nos.
As it was, I sort of had a day where I was feeling particularly fat and unproductive yesterday. I ate pretzels (granted, they were 100 calorie unsalted pretzels, but still- no nutritional value whatsoever) and didn't work out. I cleaned my apartment pretty thoroughly but other than that I just sort of lazed around, watching tv and reading. And while that used to be my daily routine, now it leaves me feeling disappointed in myself. Remorseful. And feeling sad makes me want to eat even more. It's just bad news all around.
In her blog, Erin got through her "doughnut moment" by going and buying a nice gym bag instead. I could do something like that, but I really shouldnt be spending money on anything not work/bridal shower/basic human needs related. I don't have the time to work out today, with this evaluation coming up. I'm pretty much going to be living at work. So, any suggestions as to how to push through this? I'm open to pretty much anything to get out of this little funk, folks. Because little doughnut moments like this can make or break this entire commitment.
Week 2: 252.5
Breakfast- herbalife shake w/protein powder in milk, green tea
Snack 1- 100 calorie unsalted popcorn
Lunch- grilled lemon pepper chicken, 1/4 cup whole wheat pasta, 1/8 cup pasta sauce (organic, low sodium), 1 cucumber, sliced, green tea, lemon water
Snack 2- 1 plum, 1 100 calorie bag of unsalted pretzels
Dinner- Herbalife shake with protein powder in water
Also: multivitamins, cell activators, 6 80z glasses of water, b12 supplement
Excercise: none
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
008: Adele is not plus size.
Hey folks. So thinks are pretty much starting to get to be status quo here. I work. I work out. I drink shakes instead of eating food. Rinse and repeat.
It's been tough not being on facebook and staying away from social situations as of late. I've definitely been keeping busy, and I've gotten a lot of awesome things done that I wouldn't have gotten done otherwise. I've been reading a lot. I'm pretty close to finishing the scarf that I was supposed to be making for my roommate as a Christmas present. But it's hard. I feel kind of disconnected.
Did you know, in this day and age, that when people were forced to give up all forms of technology and social media (right down to their phones and tvs) they experienced physical and mental withdrawl symptoms? That's right. You can actually be addicted to technology.
And I mean I just gave up facebook. My smart phone is still pretty much glued to my hand, and I watch tv and movies daily. More movies than tv though. I'm not a big TV fan. You can only watch so many reality shows before they all bleed into one mind numbing mush inducing blob.
So anyway. Yesterday I was reading about Adele online, and I found out she is only a size 12! A size 12! Maybe that's plus size by hollywood standards, but it isn't by normal people standards. A size 12 is like... average. And she has just recently hired a personal trainer to lose weight. What the hell. Way to change yourself and stop being a plus size role model to women everywhere. Just like Jennifer Hudson.
I don't blame them though. It just goes to show you how much pressure there is on women to be a certain size. It doesn't matter if you can sing circles around the competition. What's your dress size, that's what matters. That's what's wrong with the music business. That's why people like Ke$ha are famous.
I would love to be a size 12. When I'm a size 12, I know I'm going to want to be smaller, but right now I just want to shake adele and say "What is wrong with you!!!!" You are effing GORGEOUS and even if you looked like hatchetface, your voice is what sells your records. You don't have to kill yourself trying to change, you know?
Anyway. I should head out to the gym. I hope everyone out there in cyberland and the real world and facebook are having a great week!
And I'm not going to post what I ate yesterday, since it's pretty much exactly the same as the day before. Oh well.
It's been tough not being on facebook and staying away from social situations as of late. I've definitely been keeping busy, and I've gotten a lot of awesome things done that I wouldn't have gotten done otherwise. I've been reading a lot. I'm pretty close to finishing the scarf that I was supposed to be making for my roommate as a Christmas present. But it's hard. I feel kind of disconnected.
Did you know, in this day and age, that when people were forced to give up all forms of technology and social media (right down to their phones and tvs) they experienced physical and mental withdrawl symptoms? That's right. You can actually be addicted to technology.
And I mean I just gave up facebook. My smart phone is still pretty much glued to my hand, and I watch tv and movies daily. More movies than tv though. I'm not a big TV fan. You can only watch so many reality shows before they all bleed into one mind numbing mush inducing blob.
So anyway. Yesterday I was reading about Adele online, and I found out she is only a size 12! A size 12! Maybe that's plus size by hollywood standards, but it isn't by normal people standards. A size 12 is like... average. And she has just recently hired a personal trainer to lose weight. What the hell. Way to change yourself and stop being a plus size role model to women everywhere. Just like Jennifer Hudson.
I don't blame them though. It just goes to show you how much pressure there is on women to be a certain size. It doesn't matter if you can sing circles around the competition. What's your dress size, that's what matters. That's what's wrong with the music business. That's why people like Ke$ha are famous.
I would love to be a size 12. When I'm a size 12, I know I'm going to want to be smaller, but right now I just want to shake adele and say "What is wrong with you!!!!" You are effing GORGEOUS and even if you looked like hatchetface, your voice is what sells your records. You don't have to kill yourself trying to change, you know?
Anyway. I should head out to the gym. I hope everyone out there in cyberland and the real world and facebook are having a great week!
And I'm not going to post what I ate yesterday, since it's pretty much exactly the same as the day before. Oh well.
Monday, March 26, 2012
007: The herbalife cult
8 pounds in 7 days.
Hell. Effing. Yes.
And the best part is, I feel fantastic. I know I will eventually hit a plateau where it won't be so easy and I will surely be frustrated, but I haven't yet. Right now it's immensely easy. I've been following my meal plan so closely, there's really no room for anything but success. Which is an awesome feeling, after failing at this for so long.
Yesterday, my coach, Josh, had a shake party at his swanky loft apartment. There were tons of delicious herbalife recipes, to try, and I had a great time meeting people who are on the same product. All of them were skinny though! Most of them just use one shake a day as a way to maintain their weight. One woman has been on herbalife for thirteen years! It was really amazing and inspiring to meet people who have been through the struggle that I'm going through right now, and have seen the results and come out on the other side. They were all so supportive and nice!
Some of them were talking about the "cult" reputation that herbalife has. Well whatever. I will join a cult that will make it this easy to lose weight. No question.
Short update today. Again, I'm sort of staying away from social situations for a while, so it leads to a lot of boring workout talk, and naval gazing. Food and body image are two huge struggles for me, and something that has affected my life in such a big way. It's nice to feel like things are FINALLY going to be different for me, and that my life is going to change and improve so greatly. Aside from being less likely to fall into all the health complications everyone else in my family goes through, I will also be more confident, save more money, and it will definitely have an affect on my dating and my music, both of which are really image based. I've tried so many different things over the last like... 10 years. It's just great to find something that finally feels like a good fit.
And here's the score card for those who are interested.
Week2: 252lbs
Breakfast: shake in milk with protein powder. green tea.
Lunch: shake in water with protein powder. green tea.
Snack: herbalife snack bars/pies/etc.
Dinner: Lemon pepper chicken tenderloin, 1/3 cup whole wheat pasta, 1/8 pasta sauce, 1 small cucumber, sliced.
Also 1 aloe shot, 3 multivitamins, 1 cell activator, 1b12 supplement, 8 80z. glasses of water
Excercise: 45 minutes cardio, 30 minutes abs/weights
Hell. Effing. Yes.
And the best part is, I feel fantastic. I know I will eventually hit a plateau where it won't be so easy and I will surely be frustrated, but I haven't yet. Right now it's immensely easy. I've been following my meal plan so closely, there's really no room for anything but success. Which is an awesome feeling, after failing at this for so long.
Yesterday, my coach, Josh, had a shake party at his swanky loft apartment. There were tons of delicious herbalife recipes, to try, and I had a great time meeting people who are on the same product. All of them were skinny though! Most of them just use one shake a day as a way to maintain their weight. One woman has been on herbalife for thirteen years! It was really amazing and inspiring to meet people who have been through the struggle that I'm going through right now, and have seen the results and come out on the other side. They were all so supportive and nice!
Some of them were talking about the "cult" reputation that herbalife has. Well whatever. I will join a cult that will make it this easy to lose weight. No question.
Short update today. Again, I'm sort of staying away from social situations for a while, so it leads to a lot of boring workout talk, and naval gazing. Food and body image are two huge struggles for me, and something that has affected my life in such a big way. It's nice to feel like things are FINALLY going to be different for me, and that my life is going to change and improve so greatly. Aside from being less likely to fall into all the health complications everyone else in my family goes through, I will also be more confident, save more money, and it will definitely have an affect on my dating and my music, both of which are really image based. I've tried so many different things over the last like... 10 years. It's just great to find something that finally feels like a good fit.
And here's the score card for those who are interested.
Week2: 252lbs
Breakfast: shake in milk with protein powder. green tea.
Lunch: shake in water with protein powder. green tea.
Snack: herbalife snack bars/pies/etc.
Dinner: Lemon pepper chicken tenderloin, 1/3 cup whole wheat pasta, 1/8 pasta sauce, 1 small cucumber, sliced.
Also 1 aloe shot, 3 multivitamins, 1 cell activator, 1b12 supplement, 8 80z. glasses of water
Excercise: 45 minutes cardio, 30 minutes abs/weights
Sunday, March 25, 2012
006: Why I eat.
Yesterday was great. I actually cooked dinner, since I had time after work and the gym. (see below). I was pretty excited to learn that whole wheat pasta tastes almost as good as regular pasta, and organic low sodium tomato sauce actually tastes better than the sauce I was using before. Score one for healthy choices.
Yesterday I kept pretty busy. After work I went to the gym, then I came home and did some pampering stuff, watched a movie while knitting, and then made dinner and went out to babysit my adoooorable nephew. Lots of sesame street and making funny noises. It was a pretty rock star Saturday night.
But I think it's important to
a)keep busy this month
and
b) not go out this month
Since I eat when I'm bored, and I drink when I'm bored. And since I am only just realizing now that most social rituals involve food. You go to the movies, you get popcorn. You go to a bar, you drink. You go out for dinner/brunch/coffee. You go to a ball game, you get a hot dog. And since I'm kind of incapable of just saying no right now, I've got to just sort of dedicate myself to the life of a hermit for a few weeks, detox, and then re-approach this rituals with a new outlook on food.
The other reason I eat is emotional. I eat when I'm stressed out, or sad, or upset. And yesterday afternoon I really wanted to eat. I won't go into details, I will just say that it's really hard when you have family members who blatently don't give a shit about you, except for when they are shaking your confidence. (And nobody can shake your confidence like your family). It's especially hard when you are continually trying to have a relationship with these people, and they just keep shutting you down. It's a little like repeatedly running into a brick wall. Except the brick wall is mean. And you can't walk away from the brick wall, because it's your family.
Everybody has people like this in their life. People you love who, whether they know it or not, hurt you on a regular basis. I don't think she does it on purpose, I think it's just the way she is. And it sucks because of course, I am so desperate for her approval that I keep coming back and basically asking for it.
So what do you do in that situation? I think it's important to cut negative energy and negative people out of your life. If someone doesn't appreciate you, you should pretty much tell them to kick rocks. Bye bye boyfriend, and if it's a friend then they're not friend at all. Peace out.
But how do you do that when you're related to the person?
For now, I think I'll just try to keep a polite distance. She doesn't like it when I call anyway. It'll be easy.
BUT! Focusing on the positive (my the secret friends will totally appreciate that), thank YOU for all your support and comments. I am so appreciative of all of it. It's amazing to know that anybody is reading this, and even more amazing that anybody is getting anything out of it. You guys are incredible, and just like some of you said that my words are inspiring, your words are keeping me going, writing this and losing all this weight is not easy! So thanks Shay, Jeff, Maggie, Marie, Becky, Jamie, Mom, and whoever else is checking in on this blog from time to time.
Today my coach is having a "shake party" to try some different flavors. I'm pretty psyched to try some new flavors. Not that chocolate and vanilla aren't doing it for me, but variety is the spice of life. And it's also going to keep me from throwing these shakes out the window and quitting in months to come.
Week 1: 255.5 lbs
Breakfast: shake w/protein powder in skim milk, green tea
Lunch: shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
snack 1: 100 calorie bag of popcorn
snack 2: 20 unsalted almonds and 1 small plum
Dinner: 1/2 cup whole wheat pasta, 2 fat free organic grilled chicken tenderloins with lemon and pepper, 1 small cucumber, sliced, 1/8 cup organic tomato sauce, lemon water (biggest meal I had all week and it was DELCIOUS)
Also: 6 8oz. glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 b12 supplement
Yesterday I kept pretty busy. After work I went to the gym, then I came home and did some pampering stuff, watched a movie while knitting, and then made dinner and went out to babysit my adoooorable nephew. Lots of sesame street and making funny noises. It was a pretty rock star Saturday night.
But I think it's important to
a)keep busy this month
and
b) not go out this month
Since I eat when I'm bored, and I drink when I'm bored. And since I am only just realizing now that most social rituals involve food. You go to the movies, you get popcorn. You go to a bar, you drink. You go out for dinner/brunch/coffee. You go to a ball game, you get a hot dog. And since I'm kind of incapable of just saying no right now, I've got to just sort of dedicate myself to the life of a hermit for a few weeks, detox, and then re-approach this rituals with a new outlook on food.
The other reason I eat is emotional. I eat when I'm stressed out, or sad, or upset. And yesterday afternoon I really wanted to eat. I won't go into details, I will just say that it's really hard when you have family members who blatently don't give a shit about you, except for when they are shaking your confidence. (And nobody can shake your confidence like your family). It's especially hard when you are continually trying to have a relationship with these people, and they just keep shutting you down. It's a little like repeatedly running into a brick wall. Except the brick wall is mean. And you can't walk away from the brick wall, because it's your family.
Everybody has people like this in their life. People you love who, whether they know it or not, hurt you on a regular basis. I don't think she does it on purpose, I think it's just the way she is. And it sucks because of course, I am so desperate for her approval that I keep coming back and basically asking for it.
So what do you do in that situation? I think it's important to cut negative energy and negative people out of your life. If someone doesn't appreciate you, you should pretty much tell them to kick rocks. Bye bye boyfriend, and if it's a friend then they're not friend at all. Peace out.
But how do you do that when you're related to the person?
For now, I think I'll just try to keep a polite distance. She doesn't like it when I call anyway. It'll be easy.
BUT! Focusing on the positive (my the secret friends will totally appreciate that), thank YOU for all your support and comments. I am so appreciative of all of it. It's amazing to know that anybody is reading this, and even more amazing that anybody is getting anything out of it. You guys are incredible, and just like some of you said that my words are inspiring, your words are keeping me going, writing this and losing all this weight is not easy! So thanks Shay, Jeff, Maggie, Marie, Becky, Jamie, Mom, and whoever else is checking in on this blog from time to time.
Today my coach is having a "shake party" to try some different flavors. I'm pretty psyched to try some new flavors. Not that chocolate and vanilla aren't doing it for me, but variety is the spice of life. And it's also going to keep me from throwing these shakes out the window and quitting in months to come.
Week 1: 255.5 lbs
Breakfast: shake w/protein powder in skim milk, green tea
Lunch: shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
snack 1: 100 calorie bag of popcorn
snack 2: 20 unsalted almonds and 1 small plum
Dinner: 1/2 cup whole wheat pasta, 2 fat free organic grilled chicken tenderloins with lemon and pepper, 1 small cucumber, sliced, 1/8 cup organic tomato sauce, lemon water (biggest meal I had all week and it was DELCIOUS)
Also: 6 8oz. glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 b12 supplement
Saturday, March 24, 2012
005: 4.5 down, 115.5 to go.
Fuck A right, you read that title correctly.
I weighed myself at the gym yesterday morning, and I lost 4.5 pounds in 4 days. Yay results! I'm pretty big on instant gratification. If I don't like a book by the first chapter, I don't read it. If I don't see results in the first week of trying a diet/weight loss plan, I usually give up. In fact, that's what I've always done. But this is incredible. And the support system with herbalife is great. Josh (my coach) has been calling me to see how I've been doing, encouraging me, supporting me when I bitch and mown about how hungry I am.
Oh, and also, yesterday I didn't find myself feeling as hungry or craving food as badly. And my energy is still way up, and my workouts are still 110 percent better. I can push myself harder without feeling like I'm dying. I'm pretty pumped.
I wanted to talk today about working out. Cardio cardio cardio. My workouts tend to be 70 percent cardio and 30 percent resitstance/weights/toning. I hated it for the first couple of days (because let's be honest, it really sucks at first) but once my body stopped hurting I started to really look forward to my workouts. I used to work out while watching tv, but this week I tried working out to music and I love it WAY more. I find that super uptempo girl pop (Pink, Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry) or 90's alt rock tend to work best for getting me in the mood to do some serious sweating. What about you? What do you do for excercise, and, more importantly, what's the soundtrack?
Sorry this is a short entry, I've got a lot to do today. Keeping busy has proven to be pretty integral in me not cheating on this.
Week 1: 155.5
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in skim milk. green tea.
Lunch: 1 cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk. green tea.
Snack 1: 20 unsalted almonds
Snack 2: 1/2 cup blueberries
Dinner: Herbalife shake w/protein powder in ice/water. ( perfected the smoothie!)
Also: 8 80z. glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 1 b12 supplement, 2 cell activators
Excercise: 75 minutes (45 cardio/30 weights/resistance/abs)
30 minute evening walk with my client
I weighed myself at the gym yesterday morning, and I lost 4.5 pounds in 4 days. Yay results! I'm pretty big on instant gratification. If I don't like a book by the first chapter, I don't read it. If I don't see results in the first week of trying a diet/weight loss plan, I usually give up. In fact, that's what I've always done. But this is incredible. And the support system with herbalife is great. Josh (my coach) has been calling me to see how I've been doing, encouraging me, supporting me when I bitch and mown about how hungry I am.
Oh, and also, yesterday I didn't find myself feeling as hungry or craving food as badly. And my energy is still way up, and my workouts are still 110 percent better. I can push myself harder without feeling like I'm dying. I'm pretty pumped.
I wanted to talk today about working out. Cardio cardio cardio. My workouts tend to be 70 percent cardio and 30 percent resitstance/weights/toning. I hated it for the first couple of days (because let's be honest, it really sucks at first) but once my body stopped hurting I started to really look forward to my workouts. I used to work out while watching tv, but this week I tried working out to music and I love it WAY more. I find that super uptempo girl pop (Pink, Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry) or 90's alt rock tend to work best for getting me in the mood to do some serious sweating. What about you? What do you do for excercise, and, more importantly, what's the soundtrack?
Sorry this is a short entry, I've got a lot to do today. Keeping busy has proven to be pretty integral in me not cheating on this.
Week 1: 155.5
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in skim milk. green tea.
Lunch: 1 cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk. green tea.
Snack 1: 20 unsalted almonds
Snack 2: 1/2 cup blueberries
Dinner: Herbalife shake w/protein powder in ice/water. ( perfected the smoothie!)
Also: 8 80z. glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 1 b12 supplement, 2 cell activators
Excercise: 75 minutes (45 cardio/30 weights/resistance/abs)
30 minute evening walk with my client
Friday, March 23, 2012
004: Nobody makes passes at girls who wear glasses.
I am sick of talking about working out and dieting. I already am starting to feel like that is all I ever talk about, you know? I don't want to become one of those boring vapid, shallow people who has nothing interesting to contribute to the world.
So instead, let's talk about men.
Dudes. Guys. The male species.
I had a date last night.
I blew it off.
Why, you might ask?
Well, I just don't see the point.
Heres how it's going to go. You meet a guy online, or you are friends with a guy. Things are going great, you're laughing together and making plans. And then, it happens. He starts talking about how all he wants to do is find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you (I) find yourself (myself) thinking "Hey, I'm a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you are a fun, cute, well put together guy." So you pursue it. And then just as suddenly, the guy you were friends with, the guy you laughed with and talked with about deeply personal stuff is not returning even the most platonic of texts. Avoiding you.
I've become a connisseur of silences. Polite silences. Awkward silences. Shocked silences. But it all comes down to the same thing he doesn't want to say.
I want to find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl.
Who is skinny.
Because that's what it's really all about.
And it really used to piss me off, you know? You'd rather date a girl who treats you like crap, or who is batshit crazy, than a girl who is bigger than a size 10. How messed up are your priorities that dress size matters more than whether or not the girl can hold a conversation?
Then I learned that it's not their fault. Men are subconsciously attracted to women with a very specific waist to hip ratio, because subconsciously it is all about making babies and furthering their genetic line. And you know, wanting to be seen in public with their significant other is a big deal too.
That's not the only statistic either. Women who are thin are percieved to be more intellectual, more organized, and more fun. Whether or not you know that size six, just because she's skinny she's probably a better person. There's a whole psychological reason behind it that I won't delve into here. But trust me. It's true.
And then you convince yourself, fuck em. I don't want to be a part of this game. I am happy by myself. Invest your time in hobbies. Surround yourself with friends and family. Drink till you're sloppy and giggly. Anything to fill that void. But eventually you realize, you know you deserve better than this. And you want it.
I guess I just want to be the type of girl a guy wants to be seen with. I want to be the type of girl who gets approached in bars (by men under the age of 40), who gets phone numbers, and who is seen as the fun, organized, intellectual, nice, not crazy or bitchy person I really am.
I am just so tired of being invisible.
And while part of me feels like a sellout for changing myself like this, at some point in your life, you've got to play ball. You've got to accept the facts and statistics and work them to your advantage. So that's what I'm doing. And if it means being hungry for a little while, then whatever.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right?
You know, except pretty much all kinds of food.
Week 1: 158.5
Breakfast: breakfast shake (with skim milk) and aloe shot
Snack: 100 calorie bag of unsalted popcorn
Lunch: 1cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 1/2 cup blueberries, 20 unsalted almonds
Dinner: dinner shake (with water)
Plus 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 B12 supplement, and 7 8oz. glasses of water
Excercise: 30 minute walk with my client.
Weekend coming up. This should be interesting.
So instead, let's talk about men.
Dudes. Guys. The male species.
I had a date last night.
I blew it off.
Why, you might ask?
Well, I just don't see the point.
Heres how it's going to go. You meet a guy online, or you are friends with a guy. Things are going great, you're laughing together and making plans. And then, it happens. He starts talking about how all he wants to do is find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you (I) find yourself (myself) thinking "Hey, I'm a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you are a fun, cute, well put together guy." So you pursue it. And then just as suddenly, the guy you were friends with, the guy you laughed with and talked with about deeply personal stuff is not returning even the most platonic of texts. Avoiding you.
I've become a connisseur of silences. Polite silences. Awkward silences. Shocked silences. But it all comes down to the same thing he doesn't want to say.
I want to find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl.
Who is skinny.
Because that's what it's really all about.
And it really used to piss me off, you know? You'd rather date a girl who treats you like crap, or who is batshit crazy, than a girl who is bigger than a size 10. How messed up are your priorities that dress size matters more than whether or not the girl can hold a conversation?
Then I learned that it's not their fault. Men are subconsciously attracted to women with a very specific waist to hip ratio, because subconsciously it is all about making babies and furthering their genetic line. And you know, wanting to be seen in public with their significant other is a big deal too.
That's not the only statistic either. Women who are thin are percieved to be more intellectual, more organized, and more fun. Whether or not you know that size six, just because she's skinny she's probably a better person. There's a whole psychological reason behind it that I won't delve into here. But trust me. It's true.
And then you convince yourself, fuck em. I don't want to be a part of this game. I am happy by myself. Invest your time in hobbies. Surround yourself with friends and family. Drink till you're sloppy and giggly. Anything to fill that void. But eventually you realize, you know you deserve better than this. And you want it.
I guess I just want to be the type of girl a guy wants to be seen with. I want to be the type of girl who gets approached in bars (by men under the age of 40), who gets phone numbers, and who is seen as the fun, organized, intellectual, nice, not crazy or bitchy person I really am.
I am just so tired of being invisible.
And while part of me feels like a sellout for changing myself like this, at some point in your life, you've got to play ball. You've got to accept the facts and statistics and work them to your advantage. So that's what I'm doing. And if it means being hungry for a little while, then whatever.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right?
You know, except pretty much all kinds of food.
Week 1: 158.5
Breakfast: breakfast shake (with skim milk) and aloe shot
Snack: 100 calorie bag of unsalted popcorn
Lunch: 1cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 1/2 cup blueberries, 20 unsalted almonds
Dinner: dinner shake (with water)
Plus 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 B12 supplement, and 7 8oz. glasses of water
Excercise: 30 minute walk with my client.
Weekend coming up. This should be interesting.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
003: like chewing on wood chips.
Well, I know I said the first day was probably the toughest. But I was wrong. Yesterday was pretty tough too. I get so hungry in the night time, which is typically when I would have hit up a drive through or made a big snack. And I just miss food. I've never been a big sweets eater, I have always prefered salty foods, and I pretty much can't eat any of that now.
Like pizza. Yesterday they had a meeting at work and they ordered pizza. Salty, greasy, mouth watery pizza. I am proud to say I didn't have any but oh did my stomach growl at me as I drank my herbalife shake.
Also, I feel the need to say that eating unsalted almonds, while they are currently my favorite thing that I am eating, are a little like chewing on wood chips. Blah.
One thing though, I have a LOT more energy already. I went to the gym and did a really high intensity workout for like an hour. Usually that would make me feel like crap, but it was actually really refreshing! And I didn't even need a nap afterwards, which I usually do. Between not needing a nap, and quitting facebook, I actually had a lot of time to do a lot of fun things yesterday. I painted my nails, I did some reading, I organized my closet. It was a great day.
You know, aside from being starving.
It's important to focus on the positive though. My friends Jeff and Shayna are big believers in The Secret, and the power of positive thinking, and I'm slowly coming around to that too. I'm thankful for all the good things that happened yesterday. I need to do that more. To focus on the good things, and forget about the bad.
On an unrelated note, after I finish this blog, my friend Joe and I are driving to Boston so I can meet with the head of a recording studio to talk about producing an album. I'm always nervous about stuff like this, and usually I don't go for it. However it's not because of my musical abilities that I'm nervous.
It's because the music industry really doesn't favor fat white girls.
You can be heavier if you're from a different race. You can be heavier if you're a guy. But unless you're Adele (who is an awesome role model for plus size women, but let's not kid ourselves, she's a rarity) you pretty much can't be a white female singer and be bigger than a size 6. It just doesn't happen.
Which is tough, because I get so much anxiety about my size that it holds me back from doing a lot of things. I don't audition for the voice, or american idol, or x-factor, because I don't want people telling me I'm talented but just don't have "the right look" (translation: better luck next time, fatty mcbutterpants). I know I don't have the right look. I'm working on it. But for now how about you just listen to my voice, and my lyrics. Close your eyes if you have to, I don't care.
Anyway. I am swallowing all that down today though, because I really don't have anything to lose. The worst thing this guy can say is no, and if he does, I'll be okay. Because someone else down the line is going to say yes. (That's the power of positive thinking right there.)
One last note: Thanks to everyone for reading, posting, emailing, calling, and texting about this blog. It's nice to know people are out there reading, and it's even better to know that people are responding. I know this is something everyone goes through, and I'm so happy to hear stories from other people who are struggling, or who have come out on the other side, triumphant. This is already turning into a really great decision.
And for those of you keeping score at home:
Week 1: 158.5 (I weighed myself at the gym)
Breakfast: Aloe shot, formula one breakfast shake with protein powder, 8oz. skim milk, raspberry green tea, multivitamin, cell activator
Lunch: 1cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk, 1 cup raspberries, multivitamin, raspberry green tea
Snack: 20 unsalted almonds, 1 cup blueberries
Dinner: Formula one shake, protein powder, 80z water, multivitamin, cell activator
Also: 9 80z. glasses of water
Excercise: 45 min cardio (elliptical, HR=160)
15 min. ab work out
30 min. weights/resistance training
30 min. walk with my client in the evening
BOOM.
Like pizza. Yesterday they had a meeting at work and they ordered pizza. Salty, greasy, mouth watery pizza. I am proud to say I didn't have any but oh did my stomach growl at me as I drank my herbalife shake.
Also, I feel the need to say that eating unsalted almonds, while they are currently my favorite thing that I am eating, are a little like chewing on wood chips. Blah.
One thing though, I have a LOT more energy already. I went to the gym and did a really high intensity workout for like an hour. Usually that would make me feel like crap, but it was actually really refreshing! And I didn't even need a nap afterwards, which I usually do. Between not needing a nap, and quitting facebook, I actually had a lot of time to do a lot of fun things yesterday. I painted my nails, I did some reading, I organized my closet. It was a great day.
You know, aside from being starving.
It's important to focus on the positive though. My friends Jeff and Shayna are big believers in The Secret, and the power of positive thinking, and I'm slowly coming around to that too. I'm thankful for all the good things that happened yesterday. I need to do that more. To focus on the good things, and forget about the bad.
On an unrelated note, after I finish this blog, my friend Joe and I are driving to Boston so I can meet with the head of a recording studio to talk about producing an album. I'm always nervous about stuff like this, and usually I don't go for it. However it's not because of my musical abilities that I'm nervous.
It's because the music industry really doesn't favor fat white girls.
You can be heavier if you're from a different race. You can be heavier if you're a guy. But unless you're Adele (who is an awesome role model for plus size women, but let's not kid ourselves, she's a rarity) you pretty much can't be a white female singer and be bigger than a size 6. It just doesn't happen.
Which is tough, because I get so much anxiety about my size that it holds me back from doing a lot of things. I don't audition for the voice, or american idol, or x-factor, because I don't want people telling me I'm talented but just don't have "the right look" (translation: better luck next time, fatty mcbutterpants). I know I don't have the right look. I'm working on it. But for now how about you just listen to my voice, and my lyrics. Close your eyes if you have to, I don't care.
Anyway. I am swallowing all that down today though, because I really don't have anything to lose. The worst thing this guy can say is no, and if he does, I'll be okay. Because someone else down the line is going to say yes. (That's the power of positive thinking right there.)
One last note: Thanks to everyone for reading, posting, emailing, calling, and texting about this blog. It's nice to know people are out there reading, and it's even better to know that people are responding. I know this is something everyone goes through, and I'm so happy to hear stories from other people who are struggling, or who have come out on the other side, triumphant. This is already turning into a really great decision.
And for those of you keeping score at home:
Week 1: 158.5 (I weighed myself at the gym)
Breakfast: Aloe shot, formula one breakfast shake with protein powder, 8oz. skim milk, raspberry green tea, multivitamin, cell activator
Lunch: 1cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk, 1 cup raspberries, multivitamin, raspberry green tea
Snack: 20 unsalted almonds, 1 cup blueberries
Dinner: Formula one shake, protein powder, 80z water, multivitamin, cell activator
Also: 9 80z. glasses of water
Excercise: 45 min cardio (elliptical, HR=160)
15 min. ab work out
30 min. weights/resistance training
30 min. walk with my client in the evening
BOOM.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
002: Farewell to facebook
So it's been a day. I am pretty relieved that the shakes actually don't taste like shit (but they mix way better in skim milk than water). And I already feel like I have a lot more energy. In fact, using a shake for dinner might be a bad idea, since I got a huge burst of energy around 11 at night, and couldn't sleep.
I was so hungry all day. Seriously. I do home care as a second job, and while working with my client, her mother made her and her brothers hamburgers for dinner. Charcoal grilled burgers and fun fries. They smelled so good, it was all I could do to not jump across the table and grab that burger out of that four year-old's little ketchup filled hands.
Now that would have been a new low. Even for me.
But I got through the first day and I figure that will be the hardest part. It's all downhill from here right? Today I should really get back into the gym as well.
Yesterday I also sealed off my facebook for the month. I didn't delete it, since it's so easy to un-delete it, and we all know I probably have really bad willpower (which is probably how I got to be in the state I'm in- I have always sort of had the eating habits of a 13 year-old boy) so if I deleted it, I knew this first month wouldn't last. Instead, I had my friend change the password to something I wouldn't know. There's no way I can access it for this month. Which is an awesome, freeing feeling. I didn't realize how much time I wasted on facebook. How much time we all waste on facebook. Don't get me wrong. I effing love my facebook account. We have a great relationship, facebook and I. I use it to promote my music ( http://www.reverbnation.com/jennywhite ) and to keep in touch with some international friends. But along the way it became a compulsion. I became one of those people who checks it literally every 5 minutes to see who posted a fun picture of a cat, or who really hates monday mornings. I spent so much time watching other people's lives go by, that my own was also sort of running by. I wasn't doing anything.
Of course, I am already going through withdrawls like some sort of strung out heroin addict. I just tried to log in. Twice. Just in case. But overall, I'm actually really excited to be free of facebook for a little while. I made a list of all the awesome things I'm going to be doing while you guys are checking status updates and your latest games of words with friends:
-reading books. I can't tell you the last time I actually finished a damn book.
-working out. If you want results, you've got to do work.
-planning my sister's bridal shower. Cause that's in a month. So yeah.
-actually putting effort into my job. (instead of looking busy while surfing facebook)
-catching up on some movies I've wanted to watch
-doing a HUGE spring cleaning of my apartment.
And probably a lot of other things.
So facebook and I are breaking up. Because facebook is a needy bitch who takes up all my free time. Sorry facebook, it's not you, it's me. Maybe, in time, we can still be friends.
Facebook, like my over-eating and over-drinking was just another bad habit. Another part of my addictive personality. And since I'm cutting all excess out for a little while, it had to go too. Yeah it sucks. I already feel so disconnected from my friends, and facebook will mean I will pretty much talk to no one for the next 30 days. Which is sad. But! Everyone was so supportive about this whole blogging/weight loss adventure I'm on, I hope they all follow it on here and keep me updated on the latest facebook haps and relationship status changes, so I'll be ready when I get back out there. Don't forget I'm still out here guys! Post lots of comments so I know if anybody is even listening.
I guess that's it for today. I think I might post some video updates, maybe once a week as well, so you guys can see any progress I make. I also think I might try posting how this insane-o diet is going on a daily basis, so you can follow along at home.
Week One: 260 lbs.
Breakfast: Vanilla shake with chocolate protein (mixed with 8oz. skim milk)
Lunch: Cheerios with 1 cup skim milk and 1/2 cup of raspberries
Dinner: Vanilla shake with chocolate protein (mixed with 80z. water)
Snack: 20 unsalted almonds and 1 cup of blueberries
Also: 8 8oz. glasses of water
2 8oz. glasses of raspberry green tea
1 8oz. glass of water w/aloe shot
3 multivitamins
2 cell activator supplements
Excercise: none?
I was so hungry all day. Seriously. I do home care as a second job, and while working with my client, her mother made her and her brothers hamburgers for dinner. Charcoal grilled burgers and fun fries. They smelled so good, it was all I could do to not jump across the table and grab that burger out of that four year-old's little ketchup filled hands.
Now that would have been a new low. Even for me.
But I got through the first day and I figure that will be the hardest part. It's all downhill from here right? Today I should really get back into the gym as well.
Yesterday I also sealed off my facebook for the month. I didn't delete it, since it's so easy to un-delete it, and we all know I probably have really bad willpower (which is probably how I got to be in the state I'm in- I have always sort of had the eating habits of a 13 year-old boy) so if I deleted it, I knew this first month wouldn't last. Instead, I had my friend change the password to something I wouldn't know. There's no way I can access it for this month. Which is an awesome, freeing feeling. I didn't realize how much time I wasted on facebook. How much time we all waste on facebook. Don't get me wrong. I effing love my facebook account. We have a great relationship, facebook and I. I use it to promote my music ( http://www.reverbnation.com/jennywhite ) and to keep in touch with some international friends. But along the way it became a compulsion. I became one of those people who checks it literally every 5 minutes to see who posted a fun picture of a cat, or who really hates monday mornings. I spent so much time watching other people's lives go by, that my own was also sort of running by. I wasn't doing anything.
Of course, I am already going through withdrawls like some sort of strung out heroin addict. I just tried to log in. Twice. Just in case. But overall, I'm actually really excited to be free of facebook for a little while. I made a list of all the awesome things I'm going to be doing while you guys are checking status updates and your latest games of words with friends:
-reading books. I can't tell you the last time I actually finished a damn book.
-working out. If you want results, you've got to do work.
-planning my sister's bridal shower. Cause that's in a month. So yeah.
-actually putting effort into my job. (instead of looking busy while surfing facebook)
-catching up on some movies I've wanted to watch
-doing a HUGE spring cleaning of my apartment.
And probably a lot of other things.
So facebook and I are breaking up. Because facebook is a needy bitch who takes up all my free time. Sorry facebook, it's not you, it's me. Maybe, in time, we can still be friends.
Facebook, like my over-eating and over-drinking was just another bad habit. Another part of my addictive personality. And since I'm cutting all excess out for a little while, it had to go too. Yeah it sucks. I already feel so disconnected from my friends, and facebook will mean I will pretty much talk to no one for the next 30 days. Which is sad. But! Everyone was so supportive about this whole blogging/weight loss adventure I'm on, I hope they all follow it on here and keep me updated on the latest facebook haps and relationship status changes, so I'll be ready when I get back out there. Don't forget I'm still out here guys! Post lots of comments so I know if anybody is even listening.
I guess that's it for today. I think I might post some video updates, maybe once a week as well, so you guys can see any progress I make. I also think I might try posting how this insane-o diet is going on a daily basis, so you can follow along at home.
Week One: 260 lbs.
Breakfast: Vanilla shake with chocolate protein (mixed with 8oz. skim milk)
Lunch: Cheerios with 1 cup skim milk and 1/2 cup of raspberries
Dinner: Vanilla shake with chocolate protein (mixed with 80z. water)
Snack: 20 unsalted almonds and 1 cup of blueberries
Also: 8 8oz. glasses of water
2 8oz. glasses of raspberry green tea
1 8oz. glass of water w/aloe shot
3 multivitamins
2 cell activator supplements
Excercise: none?
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
001: Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
So. Introductions are hard.
I figured I'd start this blog because I am starting a new chapter of my life. And in the world of internet/social networking narcissism, I figured it might be nice to preserve this experience and broadcast it out to the whole world. Because, of course, the whole world will find this immensely interesting.
I'm Jen. I'm 27. And I'm about 120 pounds overweight.
Wow, that's a shitty thing to say out loud. Or in print.
I've always been heavy. When I was younger I wanted to be really skinny, and then I decided "fuck that. I like myself. I'm healthy. The world needs to come around to my way of thinking instead of me changing for them." I embraced my size 12... and then my size 14.... and so on and so forth until 10 years later I can't lie to myself anymore.
I'm not healthy. And I don't like myself.
This self loathing has lead to lots of really bad habits. Those habits include: dating guys below my standards, or dating guys who treat me badly (because I've convinced myself that that's the best I can do) , eating badly/eating my feelings (yeah, I'm a stereotype. So are you.) and drinking. Lots and lots and lots of drinking. More drinking than most people know. I'm kind of secretive about how much I drink. Or when I drink. Because it's normal to have a few at a bar on a weekend when you're playing music (I play music- reverbnation.com/jennywhite ) but it's less socially acceptable to have some cocktails when it's, say, hypothetically, 11:30 in the morning on a tuesday while you watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother .
Anyway. Lots and lots of bad habits. Lots of self-deprecation, lots of selling myself short and figuring this is just how it's going to be.
I got my wake-up call this year. My sister, who is younger than me by the way, is getting married. And she has a kid. And while that would be humiliation enough, to lose that race, it would seem like everyone is suddenly matrimonily (is that word?) pairing off. It's like some game of musical chairs, or musical weddings, and I'm the one left without a place to sit. So yeah, I guess the biological/psychological clock is ticking, a little. I just feel like that's where I'm supposed to be. And aside from the weight and the bad habits, I'm pretty awesome. So I guess I decided it was time to change all that.
Because I don't want to die alone, and die young from all kinds of health complications, you know? I always used to joke about being some crazy celibate cat lady, but as I get older, it gets less funny. Plus, now I have a cat. It's time to stop that vicious cycle before it starts.
So I started going to the gym. A lot. I pretty much worked my body down to the point where I pretty much could barely move, but I wasn't really getting any results. Which sucked, because I mean now I am exhausted, sweaty, gross, and still fat. Not fair.
The thing is, it's REALLY hard to change your eating habits. Anyone who says it's easy is either full of shit, or has always had healthy eating habits. The fact of the matter is, unhealthy stuff just tastes better. And it always has. I've never been the type of person to willingly choose salad instead of pizza and seriously, who is? Anyone who says they crave salads is boldly lying right to your face.
Then my facebook friends, Marie and Samantha both started posting about how they were losing crazy amounts of weight on this thing called herbalife. So I figured why not try it? I've got nothing to lose. I got myself set up with my coach (Josh) and got all of my products yesterday. So I am starting it today.
Part of me thinks it's pretty much going to be awful.
But for the amount of money I've spent, and the amount that I've let myself go, I owe it to myself to give it my all. So I'm going to. 120 pounds in a year.
And I'm going to blog about it. Every day. Partly because I am also going to try and stop using facebook so much, and partly because I've got to do something other than snacking, right?
So here goes nothing.
I figured I'd start this blog because I am starting a new chapter of my life. And in the world of internet/social networking narcissism, I figured it might be nice to preserve this experience and broadcast it out to the whole world. Because, of course, the whole world will find this immensely interesting.
I'm Jen. I'm 27. And I'm about 120 pounds overweight.
Wow, that's a shitty thing to say out loud. Or in print.
I've always been heavy. When I was younger I wanted to be really skinny, and then I decided "fuck that. I like myself. I'm healthy. The world needs to come around to my way of thinking instead of me changing for them." I embraced my size 12... and then my size 14.... and so on and so forth until 10 years later I can't lie to myself anymore.
I'm not healthy. And I don't like myself.
This self loathing has lead to lots of really bad habits. Those habits include: dating guys below my standards, or dating guys who treat me badly (because I've convinced myself that that's the best I can do) , eating badly/eating my feelings (yeah, I'm a stereotype. So are you.) and drinking. Lots and lots and lots of drinking. More drinking than most people know. I'm kind of secretive about how much I drink. Or when I drink. Because it's normal to have a few at a bar on a weekend when you're playing music (I play music- reverbnation.com/jennywhite ) but it's less socially acceptable to have some cocktails when it's, say, hypothetically, 11:30 in the morning on a tuesday while you watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother .
Anyway. Lots and lots of bad habits. Lots of self-deprecation, lots of selling myself short and figuring this is just how it's going to be.
I got my wake-up call this year. My sister, who is younger than me by the way, is getting married. And she has a kid. And while that would be humiliation enough, to lose that race, it would seem like everyone is suddenly matrimonily (is that word?) pairing off. It's like some game of musical chairs, or musical weddings, and I'm the one left without a place to sit. So yeah, I guess the biological/psychological clock is ticking, a little. I just feel like that's where I'm supposed to be. And aside from the weight and the bad habits, I'm pretty awesome. So I guess I decided it was time to change all that.
Because I don't want to die alone, and die young from all kinds of health complications, you know? I always used to joke about being some crazy celibate cat lady, but as I get older, it gets less funny. Plus, now I have a cat. It's time to stop that vicious cycle before it starts.
So I started going to the gym. A lot. I pretty much worked my body down to the point where I pretty much could barely move, but I wasn't really getting any results. Which sucked, because I mean now I am exhausted, sweaty, gross, and still fat. Not fair.
The thing is, it's REALLY hard to change your eating habits. Anyone who says it's easy is either full of shit, or has always had healthy eating habits. The fact of the matter is, unhealthy stuff just tastes better. And it always has. I've never been the type of person to willingly choose salad instead of pizza and seriously, who is? Anyone who says they crave salads is boldly lying right to your face.
Then my facebook friends, Marie and Samantha both started posting about how they were losing crazy amounts of weight on this thing called herbalife. So I figured why not try it? I've got nothing to lose. I got myself set up with my coach (Josh) and got all of my products yesterday. So I am starting it today.
Part of me thinks it's pretty much going to be awful.
But for the amount of money I've spent, and the amount that I've let myself go, I owe it to myself to give it my all. So I'm going to. 120 pounds in a year.
And I'm going to blog about it. Every day. Partly because I am also going to try and stop using facebook so much, and partly because I've got to do something other than snacking, right?
So here goes nothing.
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