Hey out there in blogland!
For those of you keeping track of the food journal, I know I haven't really followed through with my meals for the weekend, but I did do some cheating. I'm happy to say that yesterday I got back to my way strict during the week diet. So here goes:
7:00am- Herbalife shake and tea
11:00am- Herbalife shake, unsalted almonds, and a banana
2:30pm- Oikos strawberry yogurt
6:30pm- strawberries, carrot sticks, cucumber slices, 8oz of chicken, and 1/2 cup whole wheat pasta.
Im finding that I am soooo full at the end of dinner, I actually have no desire to do any late night snacking, which is nice.
So, as promised, I have decided to integrate more weights/toning/resistance/strength training type stuff into my workout. I get plenty of cardio at work, and I walk between 2 and 5 miles every day. But, as with most people who lose a considerable amount of weight, I'm encountering trouble getting my skin to bounce back and stay tight. Gross.
My arms and my abs are the most aggregious offenders. So I figured I should go back to the gym. I haven't been since my sister's wedding, and I do pay 20 dollars a month for a membership. So it's worth trying. Side note: I am always looking for workouts/tips and tricks to target my triceps/lower abs. If you have any, hit me with them!
I didn't go to the "nice gym" in East Providence, but rather the shitty north providence workout world. What is so shitty about it, you ask? Well first of all, I don't know what asshole puts a gym next to a mcdonalds, but they sure do have a sense of humor. Secondly, there's the "women's workout area", which is essentially 2 eliptical machines, a tower stack machine that doesn't work, half a dozen mismatched free weights, and some leg machines, all of which were occupied.
I don't know about you, but the last thing I want to see is a really hot in shape guy when I am struggling and sweating through my weight workout. (Note that since this is north providence, there weren't many hot guys, but rather the over-tanned, over worked out roid raging rejects from the jersey shore casting call, but still). I like the east providence gym since they have a lot of arm machines and an ab machine, as well as a ton of free weights and some mats to do stretching/crunches/what have you- all in the women's gym. I feel so much more comfortable working out with only a bunch of judgemental bitchy ladies watching.
Needless to say, I only worked my arms out for about 20 minutes before hitting the road.
However, as I was working out, I had one moment even more embarassing than struggling to chest press 15 lbs while vinnie and paulie d spotted each other and looked on. I was walking through the gym to the women's locker room. I passed another woman,also working out, and I caught myself thinking "Well at least I'm not as big as her."
I felt horrible. I had, for just a moment, become the bitchy judgemental ladies I hated and made fun of a few months ago. And I'm not even in shape the way they were.
Why do we do that? Why do we, as women, feel the need to compare ourselves to other women? Why do we guage where we should be based on the sizes of the girls around us? Am I the only one who looks around a crowded room to see if I am the heaviest person there? Am I the only one who is silently envious of the skinnier women and silently relieved when there's a girl around who's bigger than me? It's sick and twisted, honestly. But I think it's something that everyone does.
So that's the end of that. If there's one thing I can do today, in addition to all the other crap I've got going on, it's to focus on being the best I can be. For me. To focus on my progress and mine alone, and forget everyone else and where they are in their journey. Today is just about me doing MY best.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
057: The Swimsuit Issue
I was hard pressed to come up with a topic today. Things went well yesterday. My coach was ecstatic about the weight loss, and she measured me (I lost 13 inches! Woohoo!). Today was good too. I went to the beach, and did my healthy food shopping (fruit and veggies and yogurt and almonds are my life now).
As I'm sitting here grilling my weeks worth of chicken and waiting for my laundry to dry, it hit me.
Bathing suits.
Yesterday was my nephew's first birthday party. It was a pool party. So I went swimming. I know this doesn't sound like a really big deal to all of you, but it is for me. Before this summer, I hadn't been in a bathing suit in front of other people in YEARS. At least 4 or so years. Why, you ask?
Well I figured I didn't like the way I looked in a swimsuit, so why subject other people to it? Of course, that meant giving up on swimming, which is something I really enjoy doing. But no more! Even though my brother-in-law has a stick for a sister who was rocking a bikini (in fact all the girls were rocking 2 piece suits except me) I went out there with my head held high and swam. (Is swam a word?)
I felt great- until pictures started circulating around facebook of me in a swimsuit. Oh, you didn't see them, you say? That's because I rapid-fire untagged them as soon as they came up. You know you do stuff like that too. We've all untagged unattractive pictures of ourselves. I just chalked it up to a little internal reminder that I still have a long way to go.
But then I read this article, <a href="http://www.ottawacitizen.com/sports/2012-summer-games/Aussie+swim+star+cruises+into+final+sending/7008119/story.html">where people are slamming this australian OLYMPIC SWIMMER for looking fat in her swimsuit</a>. And once again, I have to look around at the world and say ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?
How skinny does a person have to be to look good in a swimsuit? I personally think that the OLYMPIAN doesn't look fat. She looks muscular. And she could probably kick your ass, so I'd watch what I say, if I were you, mainstream media. She can't be more than a size 8, at best. And I'm sure she treats her body like a temple, and is the epitome of good health. So I ask again, at what point are we allowed to feel good about our bodies? Who should be "allowed" to wear swimsuits? And if they only look good on people who are a size 0, 2, or 4, then why make them in a size 20?
I wish we still wore swimsuits like <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtF_Jo0Mfy4VG2K7BV0GncRXWh29jxgGcAqUWWVG9Jkaw0kb-xU3xKkg8QUxphfIA9WPF4fKqGOrzXtndzibdYVYHMs9eBwRf6FXu3ndkPfb4B1MEV1VPcLom1I5B-9oW9xwHkmXjGstI/s1600/beauties.jpg">this</a>. Those chicks don't seem to have any problem with the way they look. Not one.
As I'm sitting here grilling my weeks worth of chicken and waiting for my laundry to dry, it hit me.
Bathing suits.
Yesterday was my nephew's first birthday party. It was a pool party. So I went swimming. I know this doesn't sound like a really big deal to all of you, but it is for me. Before this summer, I hadn't been in a bathing suit in front of other people in YEARS. At least 4 or so years. Why, you ask?
Well I figured I didn't like the way I looked in a swimsuit, so why subject other people to it? Of course, that meant giving up on swimming, which is something I really enjoy doing. But no more! Even though my brother-in-law has a stick for a sister who was rocking a bikini (in fact all the girls were rocking 2 piece suits except me) I went out there with my head held high and swam. (Is swam a word?)
I felt great- until pictures started circulating around facebook of me in a swimsuit. Oh, you didn't see them, you say? That's because I rapid-fire untagged them as soon as they came up. You know you do stuff like that too. We've all untagged unattractive pictures of ourselves. I just chalked it up to a little internal reminder that I still have a long way to go.
But then I read this article, <a href="http://www.ottawacitizen.com/sports/2012-summer-games/Aussie+swim+star+cruises+into+final+sending/7008119/story.html">where people are slamming this australian OLYMPIC SWIMMER for looking fat in her swimsuit</a>. And once again, I have to look around at the world and say ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?
How skinny does a person have to be to look good in a swimsuit? I personally think that the OLYMPIAN doesn't look fat. She looks muscular. And she could probably kick your ass, so I'd watch what I say, if I were you, mainstream media. She can't be more than a size 8, at best. And I'm sure she treats her body like a temple, and is the epitome of good health. So I ask again, at what point are we allowed to feel good about our bodies? Who should be "allowed" to wear swimsuits? And if they only look good on people who are a size 0, 2, or 4, then why make them in a size 20?
I wish we still wore swimsuits like <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtF_Jo0Mfy4VG2K7BV0GncRXWh29jxgGcAqUWWVG9Jkaw0kb-xU3xKkg8QUxphfIA9WPF4fKqGOrzXtndzibdYVYHMs9eBwRf6FXu3ndkPfb4B1MEV1VPcLom1I5B-9oW9xwHkmXjGstI/s1600/beauties.jpg">this</a>. Those chicks don't seem to have any problem with the way they look. Not one.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
056: Moment of truth...
Sorry for disappearing for a bit, blog buddies. There just was not much to report yesterday around blog time ( I tend to write early in the morning). Plus I was exhausted from the night of drinking and dancing that occurred the night before. I decided that Thursday night will have to count as my cheat night, since there was absolutely no nutritional value to the insane amount of shots I took with my co-workers. I am from the school of thought that when someone buys you a shot, you take it.
It was a really strange experience.I haven't really had any alcohol aside from the odd cider/glass of wine here or there since april. It was kind of humbling. I used to be able to party a lot harder when I was heavier and drinking more regularly. But 3 or 4 shots and 2 mixed drinks later, it was like I was hit by a mack truck. Luckily, I don't think I retained many of those calories for long, if you get what I'm saying. Puke city, population me.
I guess that's how drunkness works for skinny people. You don't need to drink as much, for sure. Learning my new limits is going to be an experience, for sure. I've never been this size and been able to drink (and when I was younger, I didn't drink illegally, since I was pretty sure my mom would find out. I was never lucky with stuff like that)
Yesterday was a strange experience too. My hangover wasn't quite as abysmal as it should have been, which was strange. I guess it's because I didn't compound things by eating pancakes/fried food at 2am. I always thought that would make things better, but I guess not. Who knew?
And now I'm waiting for my coach to show up so we can do our first weigh and measure. Little does she know that I totally already weighed myself, and since my last weigh in with josh (where I had gained 9 lbs in a month) I have....
LOST. TEN. POUNDS.
That's right kids. I lost all the weight I had gained in 3 weeks. And then another pound for good measure. FUCKIN A.
I took a break from typing to do a victory dance. Now I'm back. The really crazy thing is that last week I didn't manage what I was eating at all. Even sunday, after my meeting with marie, I had one last pizza board game night with my roommate. So, as far as I can tell, I lost 10 lbs in a week. That's more than I've ever lost before. And I really didn't struggle as much as I was struggling before.
I think the solution has been protein. It's filled me up more than carbs, and apparently it's better for me. That, and I walk every day for work. Lots of walking. So I don't really have to think about working out. Protein and walking. Those are two changes I can totally commit to.
It was a really strange experience.I haven't really had any alcohol aside from the odd cider/glass of wine here or there since april. It was kind of humbling. I used to be able to party a lot harder when I was heavier and drinking more regularly. But 3 or 4 shots and 2 mixed drinks later, it was like I was hit by a mack truck. Luckily, I don't think I retained many of those calories for long, if you get what I'm saying. Puke city, population me.
I guess that's how drunkness works for skinny people. You don't need to drink as much, for sure. Learning my new limits is going to be an experience, for sure. I've never been this size and been able to drink (and when I was younger, I didn't drink illegally, since I was pretty sure my mom would find out. I was never lucky with stuff like that)
Yesterday was a strange experience too. My hangover wasn't quite as abysmal as it should have been, which was strange. I guess it's because I didn't compound things by eating pancakes/fried food at 2am. I always thought that would make things better, but I guess not. Who knew?
And now I'm waiting for my coach to show up so we can do our first weigh and measure. Little does she know that I totally already weighed myself, and since my last weigh in with josh (where I had gained 9 lbs in a month) I have....
LOST. TEN. POUNDS.
That's right kids. I lost all the weight I had gained in 3 weeks. And then another pound for good measure. FUCKIN A.
I took a break from typing to do a victory dance. Now I'm back. The really crazy thing is that last week I didn't manage what I was eating at all. Even sunday, after my meeting with marie, I had one last pizza board game night with my roommate. So, as far as I can tell, I lost 10 lbs in a week. That's more than I've ever lost before. And I really didn't struggle as much as I was struggling before.
I think the solution has been protein. It's filled me up more than carbs, and apparently it's better for me. That, and I walk every day for work. Lots of walking. So I don't really have to think about working out. Protein and walking. Those are two changes I can totally commit to.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
055: White girl wasted
Hey out there!
So first of all, thanks for the tips about losing my hair. I think the biggest thing I read was not to stress out about it (since that's going to make it worse). It's going to be hard, but I'm going to try not to.
Yesterday was awesome. First of all, at work, I ran about 5 blocks to catch up to my group after dropping off a very angry little girl at our home base. I didn't even need to stop (though when I did catch up I kind of felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest). I never would have been able to do that 6 months ago, so it was a pretty awesome feeling.
Then My friend Jeff is visiting from cali and we went to Panera, where I wisely chose a green tea and fruit cup instead of a pizza or cookie and a smoothie. I was pretty happy with that. So yesterday, my food intake was as follows:
7:00am- Herbalife shake and tea
11:15am- Herbalife shake and tea, peach, unsalted almonds
2:30pm- Oikos strawberry yogurt
4:30pm- Green tea and fruit cup
7:00pm- 6.5 oz grilled chicken, carrot sticks, 1/2 cup of whole wheat pasta and 2 tbsp tomato sauce
I feel full and great, and I have had more energy and just felt better the last few days, in general. It feels SO good to be back on track.
Today was a little bit of a curve ball. I was presented with a really stressful situation at work, and I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm finding myself sort of craving those go to foods. That, paired with the fact that I am starved for out of work social interaction and my co-workers have planned a really fun karaoke event tonight, all ads up to one thing:
I wanna get white girl wasted tonight.
This is a conundrum, though. I love to go out and drink socially. I don't even drink that much. But we all know how many calories and carbs there are in most alcoholic beverages. I am also, unfortunately, a pretty girly drinker. I tend to stick to fruity beverages with soda chasers and cider (which is a whopping 200 calories a bottle).
This will be the first time I've gone out for drinks since my sisters wedding (which was in May). Since then I've had a cider here or there, but not really gone to any events that were specifically centered around alcohol. It's going to be a challenge (as usual) not to order what I want. Which is unfair. I want to know how all those skinny bitches on spring break drink so many daquiris and don't end up looking like the mom from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape". Just another one of life's injustices.
I think tonight I will stick to red wine. I have heard a glass or two of red can actually be good for you, and isn't such a bad thing in moderation.
...jagermeister's not high in calories if you drink it straight, right?
So first of all, thanks for the tips about losing my hair. I think the biggest thing I read was not to stress out about it (since that's going to make it worse). It's going to be hard, but I'm going to try not to.
Yesterday was awesome. First of all, at work, I ran about 5 blocks to catch up to my group after dropping off a very angry little girl at our home base. I didn't even need to stop (though when I did catch up I kind of felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest). I never would have been able to do that 6 months ago, so it was a pretty awesome feeling.
Then My friend Jeff is visiting from cali and we went to Panera, where I wisely chose a green tea and fruit cup instead of a pizza or cookie and a smoothie. I was pretty happy with that. So yesterday, my food intake was as follows:
7:00am- Herbalife shake and tea
11:15am- Herbalife shake and tea, peach, unsalted almonds
2:30pm- Oikos strawberry yogurt
4:30pm- Green tea and fruit cup
7:00pm- 6.5 oz grilled chicken, carrot sticks, 1/2 cup of whole wheat pasta and 2 tbsp tomato sauce
I feel full and great, and I have had more energy and just felt better the last few days, in general. It feels SO good to be back on track.
Today was a little bit of a curve ball. I was presented with a really stressful situation at work, and I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm finding myself sort of craving those go to foods. That, paired with the fact that I am starved for out of work social interaction and my co-workers have planned a really fun karaoke event tonight, all ads up to one thing:
I wanna get white girl wasted tonight.
This is a conundrum, though. I love to go out and drink socially. I don't even drink that much. But we all know how many calories and carbs there are in most alcoholic beverages. I am also, unfortunately, a pretty girly drinker. I tend to stick to fruity beverages with soda chasers and cider (which is a whopping 200 calories a bottle).
This will be the first time I've gone out for drinks since my sisters wedding (which was in May). Since then I've had a cider here or there, but not really gone to any events that were specifically centered around alcohol. It's going to be a challenge (as usual) not to order what I want. Which is unfair. I want to know how all those skinny bitches on spring break drink so many daquiris and don't end up looking like the mom from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape". Just another one of life's injustices.
I think tonight I will stick to red wine. I have heard a glass or two of red can actually be good for you, and isn't such a bad thing in moderation.
...jagermeister's not high in calories if you drink it straight, right?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
054: I'm becoming Susan Powter (eff you, biology)
So I wanted to talk about this recent phenomenon I've noticed, but first, a little backstory.
When I want to replace that happy endorphin pampered feeling I get from getting my junk food on, I tend to turn to spa therapy. I give myself manicures and facials more often than most people, and really, I've always taken good care of my skin. I had some acne when I was younger and I feel like it's important to maintain healthy skin.
My hair is another thing that I take really good care of. Even at my heaviest, my hair has always been one of those things that I thought was my best feature. I spend exorbitant amounts of money on expensive hair cuts and dyes (well, my lovely mom spends exorbitant amounts of money on it, honestly. I couldn't afford the hair cuts that she and I get on a regular basis.)
I wash my hair daily and treat it with two different conditioners. Then I blow dry it and add a volumizing spray. I've been doing this for a pretty long time. I like taking care of my hair. And it pays off- my hair is pretty effing sexy.
So, over the last 2 or so months, I've noticed two things: I am breaking out a lot more than usual, and I am losing a lot more hair in the shower than usual. Yesterday, while rocking my side ponytail for 80's day, I noticed a HUGE bald spot on the left side of my hair. HUGE.
Have you ever seen the movie "THE CRAFT"? In it, the witches put a voodoo curse on a girl who is a racist bully. Every time she hurts one of the witches, she loses some of her hair. Then one day the girl who was being bullied goes into the shower and this bully chick is just sitting on the floor, curled up in the fetal position clutching handfuls of her hair and yelling "it just keeps falling out!" (I tried to find a video of this, but I couldn't. Trust me, it's really intense)
Anyway, that's how I feel. Clutching literally handfuls of hair and having a little panic attack in the shower.
So, I have a friend who is a nurse, and who is also losing weight. She says (and I web MD'd this and as proof) that my body is reacting to the stress of losing all this weight.
ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!?!?
So, let me get this straight. I have the choice to either be fat, or be skinny, but be a 27 year-old pizza face with a receding hairline? How is THAT fair? This whole thing seems to be a bit of a proverbial kick when you're down, if you ask me.
I turn, as usual, to my readers- those of you who have lost weight (or even those of you who havent)- have you experienced stress related hair loss? And if so, what do you do to stop it (and hopefully gain some of your hair back)?
I look forward to hearing your answers. In the mean time, I'll be getting price quotes on wigs on the internet.
Oh, and here's my meals for yesterday. Since I know you're all dying to know!
7:00am- Herbalife shake and herbalife tea
11:15am- Herbalife shake, herbalife tea, 2 clementines, unsalted almonds
2:30pm- Oikos strawberry yogurt (which I effing LOVE btw, marie) and another clementine
7:00pm- Purdue grilled chicken breast (tasted a little better this time) 1/2 cup of whole wheat penne (with 1tbsp of organic pasta sauce), carrot sticks
Oh and a shit ton of water too.
When I want to replace that happy endorphin pampered feeling I get from getting my junk food on, I tend to turn to spa therapy. I give myself manicures and facials more often than most people, and really, I've always taken good care of my skin. I had some acne when I was younger and I feel like it's important to maintain healthy skin.
My hair is another thing that I take really good care of. Even at my heaviest, my hair has always been one of those things that I thought was my best feature. I spend exorbitant amounts of money on expensive hair cuts and dyes (well, my lovely mom spends exorbitant amounts of money on it, honestly. I couldn't afford the hair cuts that she and I get on a regular basis.)
I wash my hair daily and treat it with two different conditioners. Then I blow dry it and add a volumizing spray. I've been doing this for a pretty long time. I like taking care of my hair. And it pays off- my hair is pretty effing sexy.
So, over the last 2 or so months, I've noticed two things: I am breaking out a lot more than usual, and I am losing a lot more hair in the shower than usual. Yesterday, while rocking my side ponytail for 80's day, I noticed a HUGE bald spot on the left side of my hair. HUGE.
Have you ever seen the movie "THE CRAFT"? In it, the witches put a voodoo curse on a girl who is a racist bully. Every time she hurts one of the witches, she loses some of her hair. Then one day the girl who was being bullied goes into the shower and this bully chick is just sitting on the floor, curled up in the fetal position clutching handfuls of her hair and yelling "it just keeps falling out!" (I tried to find a video of this, but I couldn't. Trust me, it's really intense)
Anyway, that's how I feel. Clutching literally handfuls of hair and having a little panic attack in the shower.
So, I have a friend who is a nurse, and who is also losing weight. She says (and I web MD'd this and as proof) that my body is reacting to the stress of losing all this weight.
ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!?!?
So, let me get this straight. I have the choice to either be fat, or be skinny, but be a 27 year-old pizza face with a receding hairline? How is THAT fair? This whole thing seems to be a bit of a proverbial kick when you're down, if you ask me.
I turn, as usual, to my readers- those of you who have lost weight (or even those of you who havent)- have you experienced stress related hair loss? And if so, what do you do to stop it (and hopefully gain some of your hair back)?
I look forward to hearing your answers. In the mean time, I'll be getting price quotes on wigs on the internet.
Oh, and here's my meals for yesterday. Since I know you're all dying to know!
7:00am- Herbalife shake and herbalife tea
11:15am- Herbalife shake, herbalife tea, 2 clementines, unsalted almonds
2:30pm- Oikos strawberry yogurt (which I effing LOVE btw, marie) and another clementine
7:00pm- Purdue grilled chicken breast (tasted a little better this time) 1/2 cup of whole wheat penne (with 1tbsp of organic pasta sauce), carrot sticks
Oh and a shit ton of water too.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
053: Totally radical far out!
Well, I've made it through almost two full days of this new diet, and I've got to say, it's a lot more low maintenance than last time. I am not really counting or measuring anything out, which is a great feeling. And a lot of the suggestions my coach gave me have been incredibly helpful. (Marie has struggled with a lot of the same shortcomings as me- like being picky about veg and protein, and hating to cook- so she had some cool solutions.)
Firstly, I eat on a pretty rigid schedule. I actually have alarms set in my phone that go off and remind me to grab something to eat, no matter how busy I am. I eat every three hours. Since I did this before and my diet thrived with this kind of accountability, I figured I'd food diary it up so you can sort of see what I've been consuming. Here goes:
7/23/12
7:00am- Breakfast (herbalife shake and herbalife tea)
11:00am- Lunch (herbalife shake, unsalted almonds, and carrot sticks)
2:30pm- Snack (oikos raspberry organic greek yogurt)
7:00pm- Dinner (purdue grilled chicken, carrot sticks, 1/2 cup whole wheat ziti)
And water to drink, with everything. Water water waterwaterwater.
Couple of things: I'm not really hungry every three hours, but I figured it can't hurt to keep up the schedule and see what happens.
Marie suggested that I prep a whole ton of chicken ahead of time so I don't have to cook when I get home (since it's pretty much the last thing I want to do after 12 hours of work.) However, my oven is completely broken. STILL. Which sucks. I need to get on Arnold (my adorable 85 year old russian super- have I mentioned how much I love my new apartment) about getting it fixed. So I can't even prep chicken. I bought these pre-cooked purdue shortcut grilled chicken things and nuked one in the microwave last night.
It was maybe one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten. I do not recommend this unless you like eating overly salty strangly mushy/slimy chicken. Gross gross gross. But I managed to choke down 8oz of it. Yuck.
That's anotehr thing I learned. I'm not eating nearly enough protein. Do you know how much 8oz of chicken is? Let me tell you, It's a shit ton. It's 3 servings from that box of purdue short cuts. But again, I figured I'd give it a shot.
What IS great about all that chicken is that I wasn't hungry at all last night for a late night snack (which is a problem I have. I feel like it's not good for your digestion to eat a pint of ice cream 15 minutes before bed). And I wasn't hungry when I woke up at the crack of dawn today to get ready for camp.
I had to get up earlier today because it was GENERATION DAY! at our camp. My group had the 80's which I was incredibly happy about. I didn't even mind getting up at 5am to crimp my hair and do my makeup.
Usually I HATE things like this. Costumes, in my opinion, tend to be just an excuse for skinny girls to dress like whores and chubby girls to feel uncomfortable. Take halloween for example. You've got the slutty cat, the slutty nurse, the slutty cop and so on. What do they have in plus size costumes?
I'll tell you what they've got. Pumpkin. Clown. and Nun. All of which come with their own theme moo-moo. It's pretty effing annoying.
However, today, I actually felt good in my costume (which is an amazing feeling) and I won best dressed staff member for the whole camp. Which was awesome.
I don't really have a point to this, except that for the first time in a while I didn't feel like a fat chick in a costume. And if this diet plan continues to be as easy to stick to, it's only going to get better, right?
Oh, and here's some awesome 80's pictures:
Firstly, I eat on a pretty rigid schedule. I actually have alarms set in my phone that go off and remind me to grab something to eat, no matter how busy I am. I eat every three hours. Since I did this before and my diet thrived with this kind of accountability, I figured I'd food diary it up so you can sort of see what I've been consuming. Here goes:
7/23/12
7:00am- Breakfast (herbalife shake and herbalife tea)
11:00am- Lunch (herbalife shake, unsalted almonds, and carrot sticks)
2:30pm- Snack (oikos raspberry organic greek yogurt)
7:00pm- Dinner (purdue grilled chicken, carrot sticks, 1/2 cup whole wheat ziti)
And water to drink, with everything. Water water waterwaterwater.
Couple of things: I'm not really hungry every three hours, but I figured it can't hurt to keep up the schedule and see what happens.
Marie suggested that I prep a whole ton of chicken ahead of time so I don't have to cook when I get home (since it's pretty much the last thing I want to do after 12 hours of work.) However, my oven is completely broken. STILL. Which sucks. I need to get on Arnold (my adorable 85 year old russian super- have I mentioned how much I love my new apartment) about getting it fixed. So I can't even prep chicken. I bought these pre-cooked purdue shortcut grilled chicken things and nuked one in the microwave last night.
It was maybe one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten. I do not recommend this unless you like eating overly salty strangly mushy/slimy chicken. Gross gross gross. But I managed to choke down 8oz of it. Yuck.
That's anotehr thing I learned. I'm not eating nearly enough protein. Do you know how much 8oz of chicken is? Let me tell you, It's a shit ton. It's 3 servings from that box of purdue short cuts. But again, I figured I'd give it a shot.
What IS great about all that chicken is that I wasn't hungry at all last night for a late night snack (which is a problem I have. I feel like it's not good for your digestion to eat a pint of ice cream 15 minutes before bed). And I wasn't hungry when I woke up at the crack of dawn today to get ready for camp.
I had to get up earlier today because it was GENERATION DAY! at our camp. My group had the 80's which I was incredibly happy about. I didn't even mind getting up at 5am to crimp my hair and do my makeup.
Usually I HATE things like this. Costumes, in my opinion, tend to be just an excuse for skinny girls to dress like whores and chubby girls to feel uncomfortable. Take halloween for example. You've got the slutty cat, the slutty nurse, the slutty cop and so on. What do they have in plus size costumes?
I'll tell you what they've got. Pumpkin. Clown. and Nun. All of which come with their own theme moo-moo. It's pretty effing annoying.
However, today, I actually felt good in my costume (which is an amazing feeling) and I won best dressed staff member for the whole camp. Which was awesome.
I don't really have a point to this, except that for the first time in a while I didn't feel like a fat chick in a costume. And if this diet plan continues to be as easy to stick to, it's only going to get better, right?
Oh, and here's some awesome 80's pictures:
This is my co-counselor and my 2 junior counselors. Aren't we like totally tubular?
Let's get physical! (Please note that 95 percent of my costume is care of my uber hipster 80's addict roommate)
Monday, July 23, 2012
052: One day at a time.
Sorry to have neglected you, oh blog of mine. The rest of my weekend was really busy. Good times with good friends, and BATMAN. Which was awesome. But that is another blog for another time and place.
Yesterday, I met with a new Herbalife coach. I had been doing some thinking, and really took everyone's responses to blog 49 to heart about how words affect me. Put downs and pointing out shortcomings don't motivate me. At all. It really deeply saddened me and stuck with me all this week... and didn't encourage me to eat better, at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite.
So anyway. Marie, my new coach, really gets the process I'm going through. She used to be a lot heavier (though now she looks amazing!), so she's a girl who has genuinely struggled with her weight. She's also really picky about food, like me, and tends to have the same cravings I do, so she was able to offer me real solutions that will help me sustain these choices for life, rather than committing to some sort of insane OCD ritual that will not last 3 months before I break down completely and toss the idea entirely. She and I came up with a realistic meal plan that I think will really work for me.
Also, at the suggestion of a friend, I went to a compulsive overeaters anonymous meeting. It was quite an experience, and I don't know if I quite fit into that category, but I went anyway. First of all, I was the only person in the room who was under the age of 40. So there was that. Also, most of the compulsive overeaters were still overweight, despite having been in the program for years, so I'm not entirely sure how that works. Also, most of them struggled with other addiction problems, to either drugs or alcohol. Their stories were really moving, but I don't know if I'm quite there yet. For one thing, I don't pick food out of the trash and eat it.
But it got me to thinking of food as an addiction. I have histories of substance abuse in my family, on both sides. Drug addicts and alcoholics. But I never really thought that addictive personality trait could manifest itself in food. And if food is an addiction, that sucks. Because alcoholics and drug addicts can simply say "I won't ever have this again.". Food addicts have to be subjected to their addiction at least three times a day. To completely abstain from food forever would basically mean I have an eating disorder, which is a whole different and equally serious problem.
I don't know if meetings and sharing my feelings are for me. It was a little hard to handle, emotionally. I think it's a lot easier to share and be honest in this format. Mostly because I don't have to look any of you in the eye when I say this stuff. However, I think I will take some of their tools away with me. I have been thinking very seriously about giving up my emotional trigger foods for life. It's kind of crazy to think of never having something like, say, pizza, ever again, but maybe that's a good thing. Then again, I've also been told it's a bad idea to completely cut stuff like that out, since you eventually go crazy and binge on it anyway. In any event, one thing I will definitely take away from my brief encounter with OA is the idea of living for today. Yesterday is done,a nd I've got to let it go, and I can't worry about tomorrow just yet. So for today, I am on my herbalife food plan. And that works for me.
Yesterday, I met with a new Herbalife coach. I had been doing some thinking, and really took everyone's responses to blog 49 to heart about how words affect me. Put downs and pointing out shortcomings don't motivate me. At all. It really deeply saddened me and stuck with me all this week... and didn't encourage me to eat better, at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite.
So anyway. Marie, my new coach, really gets the process I'm going through. She used to be a lot heavier (though now she looks amazing!), so she's a girl who has genuinely struggled with her weight. She's also really picky about food, like me, and tends to have the same cravings I do, so she was able to offer me real solutions that will help me sustain these choices for life, rather than committing to some sort of insane OCD ritual that will not last 3 months before I break down completely and toss the idea entirely. She and I came up with a realistic meal plan that I think will really work for me.
Also, at the suggestion of a friend, I went to a compulsive overeaters anonymous meeting. It was quite an experience, and I don't know if I quite fit into that category, but I went anyway. First of all, I was the only person in the room who was under the age of 40. So there was that. Also, most of the compulsive overeaters were still overweight, despite having been in the program for years, so I'm not entirely sure how that works. Also, most of them struggled with other addiction problems, to either drugs or alcohol. Their stories were really moving, but I don't know if I'm quite there yet. For one thing, I don't pick food out of the trash and eat it.
But it got me to thinking of food as an addiction. I have histories of substance abuse in my family, on both sides. Drug addicts and alcoholics. But I never really thought that addictive personality trait could manifest itself in food. And if food is an addiction, that sucks. Because alcoholics and drug addicts can simply say "I won't ever have this again.". Food addicts have to be subjected to their addiction at least three times a day. To completely abstain from food forever would basically mean I have an eating disorder, which is a whole different and equally serious problem.
I don't know if meetings and sharing my feelings are for me. It was a little hard to handle, emotionally. I think it's a lot easier to share and be honest in this format. Mostly because I don't have to look any of you in the eye when I say this stuff. However, I think I will take some of their tools away with me. I have been thinking very seriously about giving up my emotional trigger foods for life. It's kind of crazy to think of never having something like, say, pizza, ever again, but maybe that's a good thing. Then again, I've also been told it's a bad idea to completely cut stuff like that out, since you eventually go crazy and binge on it anyway. In any event, one thing I will definitely take away from my brief encounter with OA is the idea of living for today. Yesterday is done,a nd I've got to let it go, and I can't worry about tomorrow just yet. So for today, I am on my herbalife food plan. And that works for me.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
051: Zen and the Art of Self-Deprecation
Hello out there! I have so much I want to write about, but I'm going to try really hard to stay on topic.
Yeah. Didn't stick to any sort of food plan yesterday. I could give excuses, but that is all they would be. Excuses. And today, I kind of don't want to talk about food.
I want to talk about rollerskates.
Yesterday it rained and the camp that I work for had to cancel its field trip to the high and low ropes course. I wasn't intending on doing the high and low ropes course anyway, but none of the adults could do it, since there wasnt going to be enough time. But instead we went rollerskating.
So, we get to the place and everyone puts on rollerskates and I help all the kids tie their skates and get them out on the floor. A few co-workers try to coax me and the other non-skaters out onto the rink, but everyone gives up on me pretty quickly. Partly because I'm not a 120 lb supermodel like the other female counselors who can't skate. No, THOSE girls get pretty much carried out onto the rink and led around by the hand while they and their male counterparts giggle and smile like teenagers at one another.
Barf. (Read: One ticket for the bitterbus, right here.)
The thing is, I don't even want to skate. I have never liked rollerskating, or been any good at it. I used to loathe skating parties and field trips in school. My theory about rollerskating or ice skating is that if people were meant to glide on wheels or blades like that, we would have adapted and they would be growing out of our damn feet right now. But they''re not. Because skating is effing unnatural.
But a couple of people still try to talk me into it, until I do the thing that I do best. I point out the obvious. I tell them "Listen. I'm fat. And uncoordinated. There is nothing funnier than a fat person on rollerskates falling down. I am a youtube viral video waiting to happen." And they all laughed an I laughed with them and that was the end of the discussion.
But I've been thinking about it since. That, and a comment that someone made to me after my first blog I wrote a few days ago saying that, being a fat kid, you are typically your biggest bully. And I am. I am so quick to point out that I'm fat, or make a joke about it in situations where I am uncomfortable. And that's because it's easier to hear myself say it than it is to hear someone else say it to me. Because if you make fun of yourself on your own terms first, it's so much easier than someone else making fun of you.
I feel like so many people I know do that. Whether they make fun of their intelligence, their looks, their socio-economic status. We make fun of ourselves about the things that we're the most insecure about.
But really, it doesn't feel any less shitty coming out of our own mouths than it does coming from someone else, does it? It's just more manageable because it's something we can control.
Someone recently told me that the key to living a better life isn't to be skinnier but to stop hating myself for being fat. I don't know if all that's true. I think it's important to be healthier, for sure. But there's something to be said for stopping living like a victim. Like a punchline. Like all people see when they look at me is my size. I don't know how to do that. But knowing that it needs to be done is a start, I think.
Yeah. Didn't stick to any sort of food plan yesterday. I could give excuses, but that is all they would be. Excuses. And today, I kind of don't want to talk about food.
I want to talk about rollerskates.
Yesterday it rained and the camp that I work for had to cancel its field trip to the high and low ropes course. I wasn't intending on doing the high and low ropes course anyway, but none of the adults could do it, since there wasnt going to be enough time. But instead we went rollerskating.
So, we get to the place and everyone puts on rollerskates and I help all the kids tie their skates and get them out on the floor. A few co-workers try to coax me and the other non-skaters out onto the rink, but everyone gives up on me pretty quickly. Partly because I'm not a 120 lb supermodel like the other female counselors who can't skate. No, THOSE girls get pretty much carried out onto the rink and led around by the hand while they and their male counterparts giggle and smile like teenagers at one another.
Barf. (Read: One ticket for the bitterbus, right here.)
The thing is, I don't even want to skate. I have never liked rollerskating, or been any good at it. I used to loathe skating parties and field trips in school. My theory about rollerskating or ice skating is that if people were meant to glide on wheels or blades like that, we would have adapted and they would be growing out of our damn feet right now. But they''re not. Because skating is effing unnatural.
But a couple of people still try to talk me into it, until I do the thing that I do best. I point out the obvious. I tell them "Listen. I'm fat. And uncoordinated. There is nothing funnier than a fat person on rollerskates falling down. I am a youtube viral video waiting to happen." And they all laughed an I laughed with them and that was the end of the discussion.
But I've been thinking about it since. That, and a comment that someone made to me after my first blog I wrote a few days ago saying that, being a fat kid, you are typically your biggest bully. And I am. I am so quick to point out that I'm fat, or make a joke about it in situations where I am uncomfortable. And that's because it's easier to hear myself say it than it is to hear someone else say it to me. Because if you make fun of yourself on your own terms first, it's so much easier than someone else making fun of you.
I feel like so many people I know do that. Whether they make fun of their intelligence, their looks, their socio-economic status. We make fun of ourselves about the things that we're the most insecure about.
But really, it doesn't feel any less shitty coming out of our own mouths than it does coming from someone else, does it? It's just more manageable because it's something we can control.
Someone recently told me that the key to living a better life isn't to be skinnier but to stop hating myself for being fat. I don't know if all that's true. I think it's important to be healthier, for sure. But there's something to be said for stopping living like a victim. Like a punchline. Like all people see when they look at me is my size. I don't know how to do that. But knowing that it needs to be done is a start, I think.
Friday, July 20, 2012
050: They call it comfort food for a reason.
First of all, thanks for the outpouring of support from that last post. It actually made me really emotional (note to self: don't read blog related material at work), especially from people who said that what I was saying resonated with them. Sometimes I feel so alone in this, like I'm the only person who goes through these ridiculous situations with food. Feeling abnormal makes this so much more embarassing. It's like, I'm embarassed that I'm fat, but I'm also embarassed that it's this hard for me to just stop doing what I'm doing and make healthier choices, you know? But it's bittersweet to know other people feel this way. It's nice to know everyone has my back, and I'm not alone, but I hate that any of you have to go through this too. It just sucks.
Anyway.
Last night I went home and had a mass junk food exodus in my apartment. I threw out any remnants of any unhealthy food that I had bought recently... okay, I ate the last two pieces of pizza that I ordered two days ago. Because it is the best pizza I've ever had in north providence. And that would have just been a senseless waste. But other than that, all I ate yesterday was a handful of goldfish, a banana, and an herbalife shake, so I don't feel too incredibly bad about that choice. Plus the last two days have been really rough. I don't know if my coach realizes how much those negative words stuck with me. It's not a motivator, it's a paralyzer for me. I already knew ALL the thigns he said were true, but hearing them out loud just filled me with such a sense of defeat and failure and of course, I turned to food.
"Eating your feelings" is one of those terms that people use when they are making fun of fat people. But the idea of comfort food is something that EVERYONE experiences. Nobody comes home after a shitty day of work craving some nice celery sticks. Maybe it's a beer, maybe it's a burger at a drive-thru, maybe it's pizza, or ice cream, but a lot of people use food to comfort them. There is nothing comforting about celery sticks.
And it made me think about why this phenomenon exists. I studied psych in college, and sort of came to the conclusion that everything traces back to childhood. Junk food was never something negative when we were kids. You never got forced to eat ice cream, it was a treat. You finished your summer reading! Let's celebrate by going out for pizza! And sometimes, it was a treat after something bad had happened to you. You had to get shots at the doctor's office? Oh let's get some ice cream, that will cheer you up.
So as adults, we get a lot of shit thrown at us. I am overwhelmed and sad and frustrated right now. And as adults you are on your own way more than when you were a kid. I can't exactly sit down at work and unload all this shit on my boss. I feel like a lot of my friends are too busy to hang out and help me distract myself as well. And the ones that are around, I feel like I rely on them too much, so I back off. Which leaves me as a one woman island. And I feel like I definitely go back to the things in my childhood that made me feel safe and good and happy. A lot of those memories involve junk food. Not to say that my parents just let me eat whatever I wanted, but they enjoyed an ice cream cone just as much as the next person.
In my quest to find the balance and figure out some way to eat in a more healthy way, I am figuring out other things that make me feel good, and happy. Spending time with friends is one, but that is a slippery slope because we can't do anything that involves food (and it seems like with some friends all we do is eat). I also really love girly pampering type things. When I was a kid, my mom would often treat us to makeover nights, where she would paint our nails and let us try on makeup. That's always been something I love, so I think tonight I'm going to load up on beauty products and bubble bath and have a spa night.
Maybe, if I can just distract myself enough, I won't have any desire to eat. Although part of me really, really doubts it.
Anyway.
Last night I went home and had a mass junk food exodus in my apartment. I threw out any remnants of any unhealthy food that I had bought recently... okay, I ate the last two pieces of pizza that I ordered two days ago. Because it is the best pizza I've ever had in north providence. And that would have just been a senseless waste. But other than that, all I ate yesterday was a handful of goldfish, a banana, and an herbalife shake, so I don't feel too incredibly bad about that choice. Plus the last two days have been really rough. I don't know if my coach realizes how much those negative words stuck with me. It's not a motivator, it's a paralyzer for me. I already knew ALL the thigns he said were true, but hearing them out loud just filled me with such a sense of defeat and failure and of course, I turned to food.
"Eating your feelings" is one of those terms that people use when they are making fun of fat people. But the idea of comfort food is something that EVERYONE experiences. Nobody comes home after a shitty day of work craving some nice celery sticks. Maybe it's a beer, maybe it's a burger at a drive-thru, maybe it's pizza, or ice cream, but a lot of people use food to comfort them. There is nothing comforting about celery sticks.
And it made me think about why this phenomenon exists. I studied psych in college, and sort of came to the conclusion that everything traces back to childhood. Junk food was never something negative when we were kids. You never got forced to eat ice cream, it was a treat. You finished your summer reading! Let's celebrate by going out for pizza! And sometimes, it was a treat after something bad had happened to you. You had to get shots at the doctor's office? Oh let's get some ice cream, that will cheer you up.
So as adults, we get a lot of shit thrown at us. I am overwhelmed and sad and frustrated right now. And as adults you are on your own way more than when you were a kid. I can't exactly sit down at work and unload all this shit on my boss. I feel like a lot of my friends are too busy to hang out and help me distract myself as well. And the ones that are around, I feel like I rely on them too much, so I back off. Which leaves me as a one woman island. And I feel like I definitely go back to the things in my childhood that made me feel safe and good and happy. A lot of those memories involve junk food. Not to say that my parents just let me eat whatever I wanted, but they enjoyed an ice cream cone just as much as the next person.
In my quest to find the balance and figure out some way to eat in a more healthy way, I am figuring out other things that make me feel good, and happy. Spending time with friends is one, but that is a slippery slope because we can't do anything that involves food (and it seems like with some friends all we do is eat). I also really love girly pampering type things. When I was a kid, my mom would often treat us to makeover nights, where she would paint our nails and let us try on makeup. That's always been something I love, so I think tonight I'm going to load up on beauty products and bubble bath and have a spa night.
Maybe, if I can just distract myself enough, I won't have any desire to eat. Although part of me really, really doubts it.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
049: You're sad and you're sorry but you're not ashamed
Greetings from off the wagon. Hell, greetings from off the road. I'm somewhere in the weeds. I can't even see the wagon, honestly.
So here's the thing. Sometimes I talk a big game. Sometimes I get overly confident.
So when I said I didn't need you, oh blog of mine, I was mostly just talking out of my (ginormous) ass.
Since the last time I wrote... I gained back 9 lbs.
At first I continued to do okay. Lost a little or maintained. Then in the last 3 or 4 weeks, I just stopped giving any sort of fuck about this. I was down to one shake a day, if that, and other than that I just ate whatever the hell I wanted (which generally speaking wasn't anything healthy. Ever)
It's summer. It's time for fun and being social. I am immensely stressed out about work and apartment stuff that still hasn't gotten fixed (for instance I am still not getting all my mail and I still do not have a working stove to cook anything). So I wanted to go out and have fun. And that usually means eating and drinking things that, to say the least, are not on the herbalife recommended diet.
And then I went on some dates. I was feeling so much more confident than I ever have felt when it came to guys. So all that built up shiny new confidence was kind of shattered when I got rejected by someone I actually thought I hit it off with. And what do I do when I'm depressed? I eat. Oh hey, token fat girl here.
And I blew off my meetings with my coach. Because I knew it wasn't going to be good. So when I finally went back to meet with Josh yesterday, I knew it wasn't going to be good. But I didn't think it would be 9 lbs not good.
I mean, I do still do one shake a day! And I walk like 2 hours in this ridiculous new england heat and humidity every single day. 9 lbs really?
I think my coach figured the way to get me back on track would be to make me feel like crap about the situation. "Do you ever want to have a boyfriend?" "What about your singing career?" "You don't want to die young." "You have inspired SO many people, everyone is looking up to you".
But you know what? That just made me feel worse. It made me feel like, on top of disappointing myself, on top of all the shitty ramifications of me actually enjoying myself, I am disappointing everyone that reads this blog, everyone that knows me by what? By eating food?
Let me just say, when I was doing my best, and losing the most weight, I was happy in a sense. I loved seeing the pounds coming off, I loved fitting into smaller clothes. But my lifestyle was not something that I could really sustain forever. Very few people know how obsessive I was a few months ago. My roommate will tell you. I lived by measuring cups. I would count out vegan chips and carrot sticks and unsalted almonds to the EXACT serving size. I didn't go out. At all. Because I knew if I did I would be tempted to eat like a normal human being.
I'm just so damn frustrated. I hate that some people can eat whatever they want and not encounter these problems. I hate salads. I hate that these herbalife shakes do NOT translate well in this heat and often make me feel super sick afterwards. I hate that the only way I can continue on this path seems to be starving myself and devoting so much energy to what I eat.
I hate that if I don't do that, despite how hard I worked before, I'm goign to gain EVERYTHING back in like 3 months and be right back where I was. I hate that the most of all. I hate that my life will never be what I considered to be normal again.
And I really just want to fucking quit. I want to not ever go back to a meeting with josh again. I want to say fuck it and walk away.
But I don't want to be fat forever either, you know? For those of you who have never been there, it's a really shitty situation to be in. And stressful. I left my meeting with josh and had a really solid 20 minute cry in my car.
And then, being stressed out and sad and frustrated and angry, what did I do? I effing ate. Of course.
I had 2 (count em, TWO) pear woodchuck ciders, and a delicious homemade pizza from the locals(where everyone should eat because they are AMAZING), and a really big chocolate chip cookie. And it was delightful. And I felt better, partly because of the food, but mostly because of the company, for sure.
And you know what? Part of me doesn't care. Maybe that's the problem. Part of me will not ever care. I will always want those things and it will always suck because I can't have them with the same frequency I want them. But part of me is in a panic right now about going back to the size I was. So I guess I'm regarding it as a farewell to the last month or so of bad habits.
I'm getting back on the wagon today. I'm re-starting everything. But to do that, I figured I need to re-start the way I was going before. I need to re-start this. Because this accountability was when I was doing my best. Because I don't know what else to do. So. It's back to blogging, if anybody out there still wants to read. I can't guarantee it will always be happy and uplifting, but I will be here again. Everyday.
So here's the thing. Sometimes I talk a big game. Sometimes I get overly confident.
So when I said I didn't need you, oh blog of mine, I was mostly just talking out of my (ginormous) ass.
Since the last time I wrote... I gained back 9 lbs.
At first I continued to do okay. Lost a little or maintained. Then in the last 3 or 4 weeks, I just stopped giving any sort of fuck about this. I was down to one shake a day, if that, and other than that I just ate whatever the hell I wanted (which generally speaking wasn't anything healthy. Ever)
It's summer. It's time for fun and being social. I am immensely stressed out about work and apartment stuff that still hasn't gotten fixed (for instance I am still not getting all my mail and I still do not have a working stove to cook anything). So I wanted to go out and have fun. And that usually means eating and drinking things that, to say the least, are not on the herbalife recommended diet.
And then I went on some dates. I was feeling so much more confident than I ever have felt when it came to guys. So all that built up shiny new confidence was kind of shattered when I got rejected by someone I actually thought I hit it off with. And what do I do when I'm depressed? I eat. Oh hey, token fat girl here.
And I blew off my meetings with my coach. Because I knew it wasn't going to be good. So when I finally went back to meet with Josh yesterday, I knew it wasn't going to be good. But I didn't think it would be 9 lbs not good.
I mean, I do still do one shake a day! And I walk like 2 hours in this ridiculous new england heat and humidity every single day. 9 lbs really?
I think my coach figured the way to get me back on track would be to make me feel like crap about the situation. "Do you ever want to have a boyfriend?" "What about your singing career?" "You don't want to die young." "You have inspired SO many people, everyone is looking up to you".
But you know what? That just made me feel worse. It made me feel like, on top of disappointing myself, on top of all the shitty ramifications of me actually enjoying myself, I am disappointing everyone that reads this blog, everyone that knows me by what? By eating food?
Let me just say, when I was doing my best, and losing the most weight, I was happy in a sense. I loved seeing the pounds coming off, I loved fitting into smaller clothes. But my lifestyle was not something that I could really sustain forever. Very few people know how obsessive I was a few months ago. My roommate will tell you. I lived by measuring cups. I would count out vegan chips and carrot sticks and unsalted almonds to the EXACT serving size. I didn't go out. At all. Because I knew if I did I would be tempted to eat like a normal human being.
I'm just so damn frustrated. I hate that some people can eat whatever they want and not encounter these problems. I hate salads. I hate that these herbalife shakes do NOT translate well in this heat and often make me feel super sick afterwards. I hate that the only way I can continue on this path seems to be starving myself and devoting so much energy to what I eat.
I hate that if I don't do that, despite how hard I worked before, I'm goign to gain EVERYTHING back in like 3 months and be right back where I was. I hate that the most of all. I hate that my life will never be what I considered to be normal again.
And I really just want to fucking quit. I want to not ever go back to a meeting with josh again. I want to say fuck it and walk away.
But I don't want to be fat forever either, you know? For those of you who have never been there, it's a really shitty situation to be in. And stressful. I left my meeting with josh and had a really solid 20 minute cry in my car.
And then, being stressed out and sad and frustrated and angry, what did I do? I effing ate. Of course.
I had 2 (count em, TWO) pear woodchuck ciders, and a delicious homemade pizza from the locals(where everyone should eat because they are AMAZING), and a really big chocolate chip cookie. And it was delightful. And I felt better, partly because of the food, but mostly because of the company, for sure.
And you know what? Part of me doesn't care. Maybe that's the problem. Part of me will not ever care. I will always want those things and it will always suck because I can't have them with the same frequency I want them. But part of me is in a panic right now about going back to the size I was. So I guess I'm regarding it as a farewell to the last month or so of bad habits.
I'm getting back on the wagon today. I'm re-starting everything. But to do that, I figured I need to re-start the way I was going before. I need to re-start this. Because this accountability was when I was doing my best. Because I don't know what else to do. So. It's back to blogging, if anybody out there still wants to read. I can't guarantee it will always be happy and uplifting, but I will be here again. Everyday.
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