051: Zen and the Art of Self-Deprecation

Hello out there! I have so much I want to write about, but I'm going to try really hard  to stay on topic.

Yeah. Didn't stick to any sort of food plan yesterday. I could give excuses, but that is all they would be. Excuses. And today, I kind of don't want to talk about food.

I want to talk about rollerskates.

Yesterday it rained and the camp that I work for had to cancel its field trip to the high and low ropes course. I wasn't intending on doing the high and low ropes course anyway, but none of the adults could do it, since there wasnt going to be enough time. But instead we went rollerskating.

So, we get to the place and everyone puts on rollerskates and I help all the kids tie their skates and get them out on the floor. A few co-workers try to coax me and the other non-skaters out onto the rink, but everyone gives up on me pretty quickly. Partly because I'm not a 120 lb supermodel like the other female counselors who can't skate. No, THOSE girls get pretty much carried out onto the rink and led around by the hand while they and their male counterparts giggle and smile like teenagers at one another.

Barf. (Read: One ticket for the bitterbus, right here.)

The thing is, I don't even want to skate. I have never liked rollerskating, or been any good at it. I used to loathe skating parties and field trips in school. My theory about rollerskating or ice skating is that if people were meant to glide on wheels or blades like that, we would have adapted and they would be growing out of our damn feet right now. But they''re not. Because skating is effing unnatural.

But a couple of people still try to talk me into it, until I do the thing that I do best. I point out the obvious. I tell them "Listen. I'm fat. And uncoordinated. There is nothing funnier than a fat person on rollerskates falling down. I am a youtube viral video waiting to happen." And they all laughed an I laughed with them and that was the end of the discussion.

But I've been thinking about it since. That, and a comment that someone made to me after my first blog I wrote a few days ago saying that, being a fat kid, you are typically your biggest bully. And I am. I am so quick to point out that I'm fat, or make a joke about it in situations where I am uncomfortable. And that's because it's easier to hear myself say it than it is to hear someone else say it to me. Because if you make fun of yourself on your own terms first, it's so much easier than someone else making fun of you.

I feel like so many people I know do that. Whether they make fun of their intelligence, their looks, their socio-economic status. We make fun of ourselves about the things that we're the most insecure about.

But really, it doesn't feel any less shitty coming out of our own mouths than it does coming from someone else, does it? It's just more manageable because it's something we can control.

Someone recently told me that the key to living a better life isn't to be skinnier but to stop hating myself for being fat. I don't know if all that's true. I think it's important to be healthier, for sure. But there's something to be said for stopping living like a victim. Like a punchline. Like all people see when they look at me is my size. I don't know how to do that. But knowing that it needs to be done is a start, I think.