050: They call it comfort food for a reason.

First of all, thanks for the outpouring of support from that last post. It actually made me really emotional (note to self: don't read blog related material at work), especially from people who said that what I was saying resonated with them. Sometimes I feel so alone in this, like I'm the only person who goes through these ridiculous situations with food. Feeling abnormal makes this so much more embarassing. It's like, I'm embarassed that I'm fat, but I'm also embarassed that it's this hard for me to just stop doing what I'm doing and make healthier choices, you know? But it's bittersweet to know other people feel this way. It's nice to know everyone has my back, and I'm not alone, but I hate that any of you have to go through this too. It just sucks.

Anyway.

Last night I went home and had a mass junk food exodus in my apartment. I threw out any remnants of any unhealthy food that I had bought recently... okay, I ate the last two pieces of pizza that I ordered two days ago. Because it is the best pizza I've ever had in north providence. And that would have just been a senseless waste. But other than that, all I ate yesterday was a handful of goldfish, a banana, and an herbalife shake, so I don't feel too incredibly bad about that choice. Plus the last two days have been really rough. I don't know if my coach realizes how much those negative words stuck with me. It's not a motivator, it's a paralyzer for me. I already knew ALL the thigns he said were true, but hearing them out loud just filled me with such a sense of defeat and failure and of course, I turned to food.

"Eating your feelings" is one of those terms that people use when they are making fun of fat people. But the idea of comfort food is something that EVERYONE experiences. Nobody comes home after a shitty day of work craving some nice celery sticks. Maybe it's a beer, maybe it's a burger at a drive-thru, maybe it's pizza, or ice cream, but a lot of people use food to comfort them. There is nothing comforting about celery sticks.

And it made me think about why this phenomenon exists. I studied psych in college, and sort of came to the conclusion that everything traces back to childhood. Junk food was never something negative when we were kids. You never got forced to eat ice cream, it was a treat. You finished your summer reading! Let's celebrate by going out for pizza!  And sometimes, it was a treat after something bad had happened to you. You had to get shots at the doctor's office? Oh let's get some ice cream, that will cheer you up.

So as adults, we get a lot of shit thrown at us. I am overwhelmed and sad and frustrated right now. And as adults you are on your own way more than when you were a kid. I can't exactly sit down at work and unload all this shit on my boss. I feel like a lot of my friends are too busy to hang out and help me distract myself as well. And the ones that are around, I feel like I rely on them too much, so I back off. Which leaves me as a one woman island. And I feel like I definitely go back to the things in my childhood that made me feel safe and good and happy. A lot of those memories involve junk food. Not to say that my parents just let me eat whatever I wanted, but they enjoyed an ice cream cone just as much as the next person.

In my quest to find the balance and figure out some way to eat in a more healthy way, I am figuring out other things that make me feel good, and happy. Spending time with friends is one, but that is a slippery slope because we can't do anything that involves food (and it seems like with some friends all we do is eat). I also really love girly pampering type things. When I was a kid, my mom would often treat us to makeover nights, where she would paint our nails and let us try on makeup. That's always been something I love, so I think tonight I'm going to load up on beauty products and bubble bath and have a spa night.

Maybe, if I can just distract myself enough, I won't have any desire to eat. Although part of me really, really doubts it.