066: Ciders and Setbacks and Loving who you are (no matter what)

Hey out there! I am determined to keep up with this, since blogging also helps me keep up with my routine.

(not that I kept up with my routine very well in the last three days- but once again I am getting ahead of myself)

So on Monday, all was good. I tried some tuna steak and didn't die, I worked out, I was on track. But of course, things like that never last.

Also on Monday morning, I had a child at my inclusion daycare center become violent and had to restrain him. Because we are short staffed, I was by myself and had to carry this child to the door soI could open it and tell the receptionist to call me some backup. This meant restraining/carrying the child in a way I normally would not have done so that I didn't hurt him in transport. I should also point out that this child, while only in 3rd grade is as tall as me, weighs easily over 100 lbs and is all muscle. He was also struggling to get out of the hold pretty hard.

In short, my arms got a fucking workout.

I didn't work my arms that night at the gym, did cardio, legs, and abs only.

But then when I woke up the next morning, my left arm felt funny. Like I had slept on it the wrong way. As the morning went on it got more tight and painful, to the point that by noon I had almost no range of motion in my left arm, and was in excruciating pain whenever I moved it at all. I'm pretty sure I have tendonitis in my left shoulder. Ice and Ibuprophen have become my best friends over the last few days.

But obviously I haven't worked out.

I stuck mostly to my diet plan over the last few days though, with a few notable exceptions. I had a work event on Wednesday, during which I was already planning on not sticking to my diet plan. My organization does family stye chicken dinners EXCLUSIVELY at alll events. I think this is a rhode island thing, since nobody else has ever seemed to know what this is. So I will tell you. Essentially it's big huge platters of salad (which always has dressing on it already. Dressing is gross. I don't eat vegetables with dressing. Gross gross gross.) pasta, chicken, and potatoes. Not exactly the healthiest dinner ever.

Then last night I was quite proud of myself for staying on track all day, but then in 90 minutes my day went to shit. I got in the stupidest car accident ever. The other driver was mean and old and mean. Then my keys to my apartment wouldn't work. So I found myself on the pizza and alcoholic cider train pretty damn fast. Stress eating  is a thing.

And today I am back on track. For now, anyway.

But I found a blogger that really got me thinking. A friend of  mine posted a link to TheMilitant Baker . She is essentially a chubby lady who is perfectly happy just the way she is. And that's great. I am happy for anyone who is happy the way they are, but it really is a tough concept for me to reconcile. I particularly had a tough time with her entry titled "What the fuck is no diet talk?" because she's basically saying everything I am doing is wrong.

Here's the thing. When I am on a diet, I am way more conscious of what I am putting in my mouth on a regular basis. Thus, I feel healthier, I have more energy, and I am slimmer. I don't think I am supposed to be a size 2, but I also definitely don't think I am supposed to be a size 22 either. There were some interesting points though. The MB (militant baker) talks a lot about intuitive eating, which is the idea of eating following no rules and allowing your body's desire to eat to govern what/when/how you eat. There's one problem with that. What if eating intuitively means you eat crap food whenever you want, and really little/nothing else? It just seems a little impossible, unless you already have healthy eating habits, which I don't. I'm certainly not denying myself having something that falls outside the category of nutritious ALL the time, but when you are used to saying yes to whatever, you need to deny yourself now and again, I think. You need to get yourself in the routine of making healthier choices, and then it will (hopefully?) BECOME routine. That being said, I've never quite gotten there, but I know it will happen. Eventually.

She also writes about how the media makes fat people hate themselves and isolates them from the mainstream to further perpetuate the need for diet products. Blah blah blah conspiracy theory conspiracy theory conspiracy theory.

But I feel like this lady is doing just as much a disservice as people who say you HAVE to lose weight. This girl almost makes it seem like there's something wrong with you if you want to get healthier, because you're buying into the big corporate government machine.  Dont lose weight! Stay fat! You have to love yourself no matter what!

Please note, I agree with loving yourself no matter what, but we should always be on a quest to be the best we can be, right? And if you FEEL like crap, why should you decide to stay fat? Because it's easier? To prove a political point? That's just as stupid as saying it's wrong to be fat in the first place.

I don't speak for all fat women everywhere, the way this woman claims to, but I speak for myself. I know that when I am heavier, I have no energy, I'm bummed out all the time, I feel sick more often, and I have no self confidence. This is what works for me. Exercising, eating more consciously, and trying to change my body to something that FEELS better. And if it looks better in a skirt, then that's the icing on the cake. And I do mean cake. Because a little junk food now and then never hurt anyone. :)

I mean, what do YOU think? Is there a point at which everyone is just supposed to say "fuck it", and embrace their size? Should everyone just eat intuitively when/what they want, all the time, no matter what? Am I wrong in thinking that I should be getting my ass to the gym and eating better? Or should we all love ourselves, but continue to work towards being the best possible version of ourselves, both for ourselves and others?

Sorry if this blog is a little rambly, I'm sort of in the weeds on this.

029: Not Much to Report!

Today has been mostly status quo, folks. Stuck to my diet pretty religiously, and in lieu of the gym played kickball, ran relay races, jumped rope, and played knockout basketball for 2.5 hours. It feels so good to be able to keep up with my kids at work, and they have noticed. This little boy, Tyler, looked up at me during kickball and said "miss jen, you're fun!" I've known tyler for 3 years and he has never said that before. He also has never seemed so genuinely suprised in his life.

Tonight will be my pampering night for the week. Paint my nails, maybe put on a facial mask, typical girly stuff. Other than cheat day, it's something I genuinely look forward to every week! hah.

Also today, on the way home, I got to thinking about dudes. I have been trying, in this zen monastic state, not to think about men or dating at all lately. And I've been doing a pretty good job. But come on, I'm only human.

And I got to thinking about the guys I've met, pined for, dated or not dated in the last 5 or so years. Which made me wonder how many guys I've lost out on because of my size.

I mean, don't get me wrong, the inner feminist in me wants to scream that if a guy cares that much about dress size and can't love me for who I really am then fuck them, but still. Psychology states that all men are subconsciously attracted to a specific waist to hip ratio, because in their mind that means that a girl will be better at furthering their genetic line. They are biased against massively skinny skeletal girls as well.

Also, your mind subconsciously puts people into categories to make thinking easier. These categories are called schemas, and overweight people are considered less pleasant, less organized, less desirable in just about every way than skinny people. And of course that's not true, but come on. We all do it without thinking. I've even done it before.

I'm looking forward to gaining a little self confidence and getting back out there and testing this theory. Part of me worries that I will still strike out and then will have to face the scary reality that maybe all men are not shallow and that my singledom has nothing to do with my size, but rather some incurable personality flaw, but it will be another exciting adventure anyway.

I suppose that's it for today. My siser's wedding is getting closer and with it, the first pictures that will be taken of me since I started this whole thing. And after the wedding I will be foraying back into the social scene that I have missed so much, ready to say things like "no thanks, I'm not hungry" and "I'll just be having water tonight".

It's going to be interesting, to say the least!

And for those of you keeping track... my chicken didn't thaw in time, so today's food alotment was pretty much exactly the same as yesterdays.

016: Wtf, tell me I look skinnier!

Okay out there. It has been almost three weeks. I am getting to the point where my pants dont fit me anymore and my tops/sweaters are comfortable and way way less snug. I feel great, and I can definitely see the difference in my body.


However, I don't think anyone else can?

Of course, I give people who see me on a regular basis the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it's hard to see weight loss day to day in people, and my weight, of course, must fluxuate daily.

However, today I met a friend of mine for coffee. (Well, he had coffee, I had green tea with lemon). We sat and talked for about an hour and a half. I told him about this diet and workout regimen I've been putting so much effort into. It was great to see him but, inwardly, I felt a little disappointed.

I haven't seen this friend in three months. And, I don't know, maybe it's unrealistic at this stage of the game to say so, but I sort of felt like I was expecting a little bit of a wow, you know? Which raises a question- how long before people start noticing? And am I just noticing the changes in myself as a way of wishful thinking or whatever?

My ex-roommate chris told me a few months ago that women don't like being asked/told that they lost weight, or that they look thinner. I think Chris is probably on crack, or else the women he is referring to are. Let me tell you something guys out there: every woman, regardless of what level of fitness she is, does not mind being told they look thinner or asked if they lost weight. It is definitely not a bad thing to hear. Ever.

Anyway, I am not going to let it rattle me. After cheat day I am back on track and ready to find some new ways to work out, since hopefully that will sculpt and tone me even more. I am thinking about taking Zumba at my gym (I used to take it in new york in 08 and I loved it), and maybe try yoga or a power sculpting or kickboxing class. I am a little nervous since part of me thinks I will totallly make an ass of myself in front of a whole bunch of fitties, especially if I pass out or puke or something, which, depending on the intensity of the class, is entirely possible, but I definitely feel like I need to try something more, you know? Something drastic to speed things along a little. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to do anything potentially harmful, and I know I will get there eventually. Still though. I want that wow factor, and I want it now.

I've never really been a patient person.

014: Happy Cheat Day!

So. Today was cheat day. I've decided not to post what I've eaten today, but suffice it to say that today's cheat day was lovely. It's good to indulge every now and again. Everything in moderation, right?

And tomorrow it will be back to the diet grind, refreshed and re-committed. Ready to hit the gym running (literally!).

Also, worth noting, is that my friend Ruth, whom I went to film school with, runs a UK group devoted to raising awareness about body image. I was actually in the bar with her talking about the very things I write about in this blog 6 years ago when she came up with this idea. Six years later I'm still writing and still struggling, and she's got this thing that's kind of a big deal in the UK. It can be found here: http://www.bodygossip.org

Aaaanyway, she read my blog and asked me to write something for their upcoming book. That's pretty exciting news. I think I'm going to write about that feeling a little like a sellout. Losing weight is a very conflicting experience, especially since at a certain point I think I deluded myself into thinking I owed it to myself not to lose weight (if that makes any sense). It's like, if I lose weight I am conforming to society's conventions of beauty and desirablility, because I think that's the only way to live. I think, in a lot of ways it's seemed kind of strangely brave. I admire women who can say "you know what, this is the size I am, I love it, and fuck you if you can't get on board with it." Part of me wanted to be that woman.

Part of me also wants to get married someday. Part of me also doesn't want to be a huge risk for diabetes and heart disease. So you see? It's conflicting.

Anyway. So that's where I'm at. Not much else to report today.

Is it totally sad and pathetic that I'm already considering what I will enjoy on my next "cheat day"?

007: The herbalife cult

8 pounds in 7 days.

Hell. Effing. Yes.

And the best part is, I feel fantastic. I know I will eventually hit a plateau where it won't be so easy and I will surely be frustrated, but I haven't yet. Right now it's immensely easy. I've been following my meal plan so closely, there's really no room for anything but success. Which is an awesome feeling, after failing at this for so long.

Yesterday, my coach, Josh, had a shake party at his swanky loft apartment. There were tons of delicious herbalife recipes, to try, and I had a great time meeting people who are on the same product. All of them were skinny though! Most of them just use one shake a day as a way to maintain their weight. One woman has been on herbalife for thirteen years! It was really amazing and inspiring to meet people who have been through the struggle that I'm going through right now, and have seen the results and come out on the other side. They were all so supportive and nice!

Some of them were talking about the "cult" reputation that herbalife has. Well whatever. I will join a cult that will make it this easy to lose weight. No question.

Short update today. Again, I'm sort of staying away from social situations for a while, so it leads to a lot of boring workout talk, and naval gazing. Food and body image are two huge struggles for me, and something that has affected my life in such a big way. It's nice to feel like things are FINALLY going to be different for me, and that my life is going to change and improve so greatly. Aside from being less likely to fall into all the health complications everyone else in my family goes through, I will also be more confident, save more money, and it will definitely have an affect on my dating and my music, both of which are really image based. I've tried so many different things over the last like... 10 years. It's just great to find something that finally feels like a good fit.

And here's the score card for those who are interested.

Week2: 252lbs
Breakfast: shake in milk with protein powder. green tea.
Lunch: shake in water with protein powder. green tea.
Snack: herbalife snack bars/pies/etc.
Dinner: Lemon pepper chicken tenderloin, 1/3 cup whole wheat pasta, 1/8 pasta sauce, 1 small cucumber, sliced.
Also 1 aloe shot, 3 multivitamins, 1 cell activator, 1b12 supplement, 8 80z. glasses of water

Excercise: 45 minutes cardio, 30 minutes abs/weights

004: Nobody makes passes at girls who wear glasses.

I am sick of talking about working out and dieting. I already am starting to feel like that is all I ever talk about, you know? I don't want to become one of those boring vapid, shallow people who has nothing interesting to contribute to the world.

So instead, let's talk about men.
Dudes. Guys. The male species.

I had a date last night.

I blew it off.

Why, you might ask?
Well, I just don't see the point.

Heres how it's going to go. You meet a guy online, or you are friends with a guy. Things are going great, you're laughing together and making plans. And then, it happens. He starts talking about how all he wants to do is find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you (I) find yourself (myself) thinking "Hey, I'm a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl. And you are a fun, cute, well put together guy." So you pursue it. And then just as suddenly, the guy you were friends with, the guy you laughed with and talked with about deeply personal stuff is not returning even the most platonic of texts. Avoiding you.

I've become a connisseur of silences. Polite silences. Awkward silences. Shocked silences. But it all comes down to the same thing he doesn't want to say.

I want to find a nice, fun, not so crazy or bitchy girl.

Who is skinny.

Because that's what it's really all about.

And it really used to piss me off, you know? You'd rather date a girl who treats you like crap, or who is batshit crazy, than a girl who is bigger than a size 10. How messed up are your priorities that dress size matters more than whether or not the girl can hold a conversation?

Then I learned that it's not their fault. Men are subconsciously attracted to women with a very specific waist to hip ratio, because subconsciously it is all about making babies and furthering their genetic line. And you know, wanting to be seen in public with their significant other is a big deal too.

That's not the only statistic either. Women who are thin are percieved to be more intellectual, more organized, and more fun. Whether or not you know that size six, just because she's skinny she's probably a better person. There's a whole psychological reason behind it that I won't delve into here. But trust me. It's true.

And then you convince yourself, fuck em. I don't want to be a part of this game. I am happy by myself. Invest your time in hobbies. Surround yourself with friends and family. Drink till you're sloppy and giggly. Anything to fill that void. But eventually you realize, you know you deserve better than this. And you want it.

I guess I just want to be the type of girl a guy wants to be seen with. I want to be the type of girl who gets approached in bars (by men under the age of 40), who gets phone numbers, and who is seen as the fun, organized, intellectual, nice, not crazy or bitchy person I really am.

I am just so tired of being invisible.

And while part of me feels like a sellout for changing myself like this, at some point in your life, you've got to play ball. You've got to accept the facts and statistics and work them to your advantage. So that's what I'm doing. And if it means being hungry for a little while, then whatever.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right?
You know, except pretty much all kinds of food.

Week 1: 158.5
Breakfast: breakfast shake (with skim milk) and aloe shot
Snack: 100 calorie bag of unsalted popcorn
Lunch: 1cup cheerios, 1 cup skim milk
Snack: 1/2 cup blueberries, 20 unsalted almonds
Dinner: dinner shake (with water)

Plus 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 B12 supplement, and 7 8oz. glasses of water

Excercise: 30 minute walk with my client.

Weekend coming up. This should be interesting.