So first of all, I suppose I need to eat a little humble pie for my last entry. The truth is, not every day is going to be sunshine and roses, skipping merrily to my workouts and grinning at the delicious bowl of baby spinach and cucumber slices I call "lunch". I'm going to have days like Saturday. But I push through them.
Sunday I picked up my sister, Pegga, early and we went to the gym. I was determined to get in one more workout before my weigh in. I overslept, so I had to cut everything in half essentially, but I did my best in the situation. Then I went tanning for a little while. I only tan for 2 minutes, and I put some sunscreen on my face, because I am maybe the whitest white girl you will ever meet. I mean, my last NAME is white, for gosh sakes. Still, I wanted to get a little color before my sister's wedding. Everyone in the bridal party is like a size 2 and has a natrually tan complexion. I didn't want to stand out as the chubby albino chick in the wdding party, you know?
On my way back from my weigh in, Ia lso picked up my laundry. This makes me giggle a little since, like my rhode island neighbor pauly d, I am now GTLing on the regular. I think I might work on my poof and get some breast implants and try out for the next season on the jersey shore. Snookies pregnant, so they must need a replacement, right?
Oh, and I lost 5 lbs. So I'm at just under 30. So there's that. Josh (my coach) was really happy. He also said that a lot of his clients have been reading my blog and like it. So, hello to Josh's neighbors/herbalife clients! I hope I get to meet all of you at the next weigh in!
Anyway. Last night, I went to a place where I hang out a lot. Or where I used to hang out before I started hiding from all sorts of social situations that involved eating or drinking (and trust me, there are a lot). I am pretty proud of the fact that I drank water all night. Water and green tea. I was also pretty happy that people are starting to take notice of the changes I'm making in my body. Yesterday was affirming that all of this hard work is not for nothing.
This morning, I am meeting with the woman who is altering my dress, again. Having lost another 5 lbs and 2.5 inches off my body, I'm sure she's going to be pissed.
I cannot effing wait.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
034: Marathons and Temper tantrums
So today, I went to the March of Dimes. I was marching for a family friend whose son was born prematurely and with a genetic disorder. It was inspiring to see all of these people, all this solidarity. The families knew each other from years past, and were so looking out for each other. It was wonderful. And I was definitely impressed, and moved. These people have real things they are working through, overcoming, and they are not letting it get to him.
And I really do want to think positively. I would like to make that clear.
But this week, has absolutely. positively, without a doubt sucked.
I haven't done much differently. I go to the gym. I've pushed myself harder there. I've I watch just about every single mouthful of food that I consume. I am constantly exhausted, hungry, and miserable.
And then I went to Old Navy on a whim today. I had to get sandals for my sister's wedding next week. And I figured, what the hell, let's try on some clothes and see if anything fits.
And there was no change from when I tried on clothes three weeks ago. Same size. Same buttoning up but tightness.
And I lost it. Inside I wanted to jump up and down and scream and throw a world class temper tantrum. Because why the hell am I making myself miserable? Why am I killing myself at the gym? Why am I denying myself food? Why is my entire life consumed with this lifestyle of starvation and sweat and frustration if nothing is going to change? It all seems a little masochistic for me.
Without sounding dramatic, I feel like if I have another shitty weigh in this week, I am going to throw in the towel. I just don't see the point of this anymore. It's so hard. I know what you're thinking. "Come on, Jen. It will get better!" And maybe it will. But not today. Today if I have to look at one more salad or do one more crunch, I am going to go off, run around ripping up clothes that are smaller than a size 16, and slapping skinny girls in the face, pointing at them, and scowling. "You know what you did."
It's just not fair. The fact that some people can eat whatever they want and do no work and never climb above a size 8 or 10, while other people have to make huge sacrifices to be normal is one of life's little "fuck you's" to certain people. I could see if I wasn't trying, but I am trying SO hard. And it's just not fair.
I'm sorry for all of this ranting. I'm sorry for the lack of blog posts this week as well, but I've felt this way for the whole week, and I've been trying to avoid just this sort of post. But in a way I guess it's good. You guys deserve to see everything truthfully, you know?
I am off to have a girls night with my mom. It's going to be crazy. Lots of herbal tea and fruit salad. you know, cause I live like a rock star.
And I really do want to think positively. I would like to make that clear.
But this week, has absolutely. positively, without a doubt sucked.
I haven't done much differently. I go to the gym. I've pushed myself harder there. I've I watch just about every single mouthful of food that I consume. I am constantly exhausted, hungry, and miserable.
And then I went to Old Navy on a whim today. I had to get sandals for my sister's wedding next week. And I figured, what the hell, let's try on some clothes and see if anything fits.
And there was no change from when I tried on clothes three weeks ago. Same size. Same buttoning up but tightness.
And I lost it. Inside I wanted to jump up and down and scream and throw a world class temper tantrum. Because why the hell am I making myself miserable? Why am I killing myself at the gym? Why am I denying myself food? Why is my entire life consumed with this lifestyle of starvation and sweat and frustration if nothing is going to change? It all seems a little masochistic for me.
Without sounding dramatic, I feel like if I have another shitty weigh in this week, I am going to throw in the towel. I just don't see the point of this anymore. It's so hard. I know what you're thinking. "Come on, Jen. It will get better!" And maybe it will. But not today. Today if I have to look at one more salad or do one more crunch, I am going to go off, run around ripping up clothes that are smaller than a size 16, and slapping skinny girls in the face, pointing at them, and scowling. "You know what you did."
It's just not fair. The fact that some people can eat whatever they want and do no work and never climb above a size 8 or 10, while other people have to make huge sacrifices to be normal is one of life's little "fuck you's" to certain people. I could see if I wasn't trying, but I am trying SO hard. And it's just not fair.
I'm sorry for all of this ranting. I'm sorry for the lack of blog posts this week as well, but I've felt this way for the whole week, and I've been trying to avoid just this sort of post. But in a way I guess it's good. You guys deserve to see everything truthfully, you know?
I am off to have a girls night with my mom. It's going to be crazy. Lots of herbal tea and fruit salad. you know, cause I live like a rock star.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
033: Chubby girls! at the disco
So this week has thus far been uneventful in the world of my weight loss. I need to excercise more, and Im doing 2 workouts tomorrow for sure. I need to stick more rigidly to my diet, particularly portion sizes, but ever since my sister's bachelorette party weekend and my disappointing weigh in, I am discouraged and drained. I need something to reinvigorate me, energize me. But I don't know what that thing is.
Anyway, I said I would post about my opinions about the club/bar/dance party scene, and here we go. I got to thinking about this during the weekend, when my sister and her friends and myself went bar hopping for her bachelorette party. I got to thinking about how much I hate going to clubs and bars. I feel like a lot of heavier girls feel this way, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
Other than shopping, going to bars with my skinny friends is my least favorite thing to do with them. Why? Because of the whole being invisible to dudes thing. And I know everyone says "Oh I'm just here to dance", and to a certain extent I suppose you are, but at the same time, that attention is nice every once in a while. And anyone who says otherwise is in denial.
The thing is, even if you genuinely are "just there to dance", it can be really exasperating to be trying to have fun with your friends and constantly running interference and telling skeevy guys to kick rocks and stop trying to dance with your attractive friends. Especially when it brings into harsh focus the fact that nobody is trying to dance up on you.
I used to pretend I liekd to go out to these sort of venues. But mostly I'd hang back and drink copiously. I think that's also why I like gay bars. Gay guys, I've found, are less descriminating of your waist size, especially if you have a nice rack that they can motorboat. No trouble finding a dance partner there.
I guess what it comes down to is it's just another place where the thin and confident reign. One more place where it's tough to be so painfully self aware of your undesirable differences. One more place we are not welcome.
I've really got to get to the gym tomorrow.
Anyway, I said I would post about my opinions about the club/bar/dance party scene, and here we go. I got to thinking about this during the weekend, when my sister and her friends and myself went bar hopping for her bachelorette party. I got to thinking about how much I hate going to clubs and bars. I feel like a lot of heavier girls feel this way, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
Other than shopping, going to bars with my skinny friends is my least favorite thing to do with them. Why? Because of the whole being invisible to dudes thing. And I know everyone says "Oh I'm just here to dance", and to a certain extent I suppose you are, but at the same time, that attention is nice every once in a while. And anyone who says otherwise is in denial.
The thing is, even if you genuinely are "just there to dance", it can be really exasperating to be trying to have fun with your friends and constantly running interference and telling skeevy guys to kick rocks and stop trying to dance with your attractive friends. Especially when it brings into harsh focus the fact that nobody is trying to dance up on you.
I used to pretend I liekd to go out to these sort of venues. But mostly I'd hang back and drink copiously. I think that's also why I like gay bars. Gay guys, I've found, are less descriminating of your waist size, especially if you have a nice rack that they can motorboat. No trouble finding a dance partner there.
I guess what it comes down to is it's just another place where the thin and confident reign. One more place where it's tough to be so painfully self aware of your undesirable differences. One more place we are not welcome.
I've really got to get to the gym tomorrow.
Monday, April 23, 2012
032: dress fittings, cheat weekend, and the walk of dimes!
Holy smokes. It's been so long since I've blogged that I almost forgot how to do it.
So firstly, the weigh in. I, not suprisingly, lost only 1 pound and 4 inches, which brings my total to 24lbs and 27 inches lost. I was mildly disappointed and then I remembered that I didn't stay the same or gain any weight, so it wasn't a total loss. And my coach was still really optimistic. He says this will happen. I suppose if this is what a plateau looks like and I've still managed to lose weight, then I should be pleased, you know?
Anyway, after my weigh in began a weekend of absolute debauchery and bad decision making on my part. Think of the movie The Hangover except more boring because my life is not a movie. There was so much foods and alcohol consumption over the next two days that I don't even want to think about the caloric consequences of my actions. Needless to say, I will be hitting the gym VERY hard over the next two weeks in order to recover from it.
Am I disappointed in myself? No. It was my little sister's bachelorette party. In theory, this will only happen one time in her life. She had a great time, I had a great time. That's all that really matters. I feel like, while this journey definitely means changing my habits and being more conscious of what I am putting into my body, if I spend my whole life obsessing over every calorie, my life is still going to be passing me by.
Anyway. Then I had a dress fitting for the wedding. This is the first time I've gotten a negative response about losing so much weight and dropping 2 full dress sizes. She legit YELLED at me not to lose any more weight before the wedding (advice I am obviously not going to follow) and was a total bitch about the insane amount of alterations she had to do.
Which is funny because when I bought the dress and wanted to get it a size smaller, because the smaller size almsot fit and I was going to lose weight, I was looked up and down and then told in a condescending tone "Well it's easier to take it in than it is to let it out. So get this size."
Oh ye of little faith. Get sewing, bitch.
Anyway. The bachelorette party got me thinking about the nightlife scene and why I hate it so much. However, this thought is going to have to wait since I have a lot of working out to do tomorrow morning and it is already way past my bedtime. However, look forward to less sporadic posts in the coming days, since I feel I have neglected you for far too long!
Oh! And one last thing. I am participating in the march of dimes baby walk 2012. I am pretty excited about it. For one thing, it's great excercise, and for another, it's a great cause. So many babies are born with birth defects, and since it has touched the lives of some of the people I know, I am glad to do whatever I can to help. Ia m trying to raise 200 dollars, so if you, my supportive blog readers, would like to lend your support to me, adn to this worthwhile organization by sponsoring me with a flat rate tax deductible pledge, please do so <a href="http://marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp=4439678&ct=4&w=5646977&u=jlindseywhite">HERE!</a>
With that I am off for the night. Zumba and maybe a tanning adventure in the morning. Egads!
So firstly, the weigh in. I, not suprisingly, lost only 1 pound and 4 inches, which brings my total to 24lbs and 27 inches lost. I was mildly disappointed and then I remembered that I didn't stay the same or gain any weight, so it wasn't a total loss. And my coach was still really optimistic. He says this will happen. I suppose if this is what a plateau looks like and I've still managed to lose weight, then I should be pleased, you know?
Anyway, after my weigh in began a weekend of absolute debauchery and bad decision making on my part. Think of the movie The Hangover except more boring because my life is not a movie. There was so much foods and alcohol consumption over the next two days that I don't even want to think about the caloric consequences of my actions. Needless to say, I will be hitting the gym VERY hard over the next two weeks in order to recover from it.
Am I disappointed in myself? No. It was my little sister's bachelorette party. In theory, this will only happen one time in her life. She had a great time, I had a great time. That's all that really matters. I feel like, while this journey definitely means changing my habits and being more conscious of what I am putting into my body, if I spend my whole life obsessing over every calorie, my life is still going to be passing me by.
Anyway. Then I had a dress fitting for the wedding. This is the first time I've gotten a negative response about losing so much weight and dropping 2 full dress sizes. She legit YELLED at me not to lose any more weight before the wedding (advice I am obviously not going to follow) and was a total bitch about the insane amount of alterations she had to do.
Which is funny because when I bought the dress and wanted to get it a size smaller, because the smaller size almsot fit and I was going to lose weight, I was looked up and down and then told in a condescending tone "Well it's easier to take it in than it is to let it out. So get this size."
Oh ye of little faith. Get sewing, bitch.
Anyway. The bachelorette party got me thinking about the nightlife scene and why I hate it so much. However, this thought is going to have to wait since I have a lot of working out to do tomorrow morning and it is already way past my bedtime. However, look forward to less sporadic posts in the coming days, since I feel I have neglected you for far too long!
Oh! And one last thing. I am participating in the march of dimes baby walk 2012. I am pretty excited about it. For one thing, it's great excercise, and for another, it's a great cause. So many babies are born with birth defects, and since it has touched the lives of some of the people I know, I am glad to do whatever I can to help. Ia m trying to raise 200 dollars, so if you, my supportive blog readers, would like to lend your support to me, adn to this worthwhile organization by sponsoring me with a flat rate tax deductible pledge, please do so <a href="http://marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp=4439678&ct=4&w=5646977&u=jlindseywhite">HERE!</a>
With that I am off for the night. Zumba and maybe a tanning adventure in the morning. Egads!
Friday, April 20, 2012
031: Reflections at one month!
Well, kids. It's been a very interesting month. My weigh and measure is tomorrow, and it stands to reason I would at least lose a little. I am weighing in super early tomorrow because my sister's bachelorette party and bridal shower are both tomorrow. It's expensive, and time consuming. I hate throwing parties. It's too much pressure for everything to go perfectly.
You know what I do when I'm stressed out?
I eat!
But over the course of this month, so much has changed. I'm not hungry so I don't feel the need to eat. And even if I did I wouldnt want to ruin all this progress on the day before my weigh and measure just because I'm stressed.
Yesterday I got to hang out with my friend michelle. We had a girls night, which consisted of facials, manicures, pedicures, chick flicks... you know, the works. We have perfected this over the years, and usually it includes a pint of ben and jerry's ice cream... each. It's funny, how we do things like that and never think about how bad it is for our bodies, you know?
Last night I am proud to say I DID cheat on my super strict diet- by having some of the fruit that I'm not supposed to eat because it has natural sugars in it. That's right. I cheated on watermelon, grapes, strawberries, and pineapples. And I was really really pleased with that compromise, you know?
Changing my eating habits is just one thing I'm learning with herbalife. I'm learning strength and perserverence that I didn't know I had. I'm learning who my real friends are, including some people I didn't even know gave a crap about me. I'm learning to think positively and relish in those compromises and those small successes that are just tiny pieces of the big picture.
I guess what it all comes down to is that while it's only been a month, it feels like it's been way more time than that, since I've changed so much about my life in that time. I like it, and I like that feeling of knowing I'm never going back.
You know what I do when I'm stressed out?
I eat!
But over the course of this month, so much has changed. I'm not hungry so I don't feel the need to eat. And even if I did I wouldnt want to ruin all this progress on the day before my weigh and measure just because I'm stressed.
Yesterday I got to hang out with my friend michelle. We had a girls night, which consisted of facials, manicures, pedicures, chick flicks... you know, the works. We have perfected this over the years, and usually it includes a pint of ben and jerry's ice cream... each. It's funny, how we do things like that and never think about how bad it is for our bodies, you know?
Last night I am proud to say I DID cheat on my super strict diet- by having some of the fruit that I'm not supposed to eat because it has natural sugars in it. That's right. I cheated on watermelon, grapes, strawberries, and pineapples. And I was really really pleased with that compromise, you know?
Changing my eating habits is just one thing I'm learning with herbalife. I'm learning strength and perserverence that I didn't know I had. I'm learning who my real friends are, including some people I didn't even know gave a crap about me. I'm learning to think positively and relish in those compromises and those small successes that are just tiny pieces of the big picture.
I guess what it all comes down to is that while it's only been a month, it feels like it's been way more time than that, since I've changed so much about my life in that time. I like it, and I like that feeling of knowing I'm never going back.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
030: Spring has sprung!
Today my allergies and being run down from these horrid 11 hour days has definitely started to get to me. I need to be asleep NOW. But I was determined to get this one little blog in before I pass out.
Today I ventured out to a providence knitting group hosted by my friend Jake and Sarah ( of the 20/40 project ). It was nice. I almost didn't make it since, unlike in the old days, I couldn't just run through a drive through after work to get my foods. Especially since I wasn't all that active today, so sticking to the diet is paramount. Instead I had to actually go home and spend time cooking, eating, and cleaning up a healthy meal. Being healthy is really time consuming.
It was great to get out into a social setting that wasn't all about food and drink. Instead it is about knitting (at which I am a total beginner compared to these people, but I enjoyed it the same) and talk about everything. I tried not to be too boring and talk only about working out and dieting, which is kind of all I have going on right now.
Somehow the topic got on this one person I loathe. There are not many people I loathe, but she would be atop the list. She was absolutely heinous to me for no reason whatsoever, except that she is probably a really heinous human being. And it got me to thinking about all of those people in my life. All of those people who have made me miserable in the past, and how, just like with my eating, I gave them so much power in my life. I have let people control my moods by being consumed with earning their approval when they were never going to give it to me in the first place.
A friend and reader of this blog sent me a message about cutting negative family members out of her life and hwo it positively impacted her life, and I said I didn't thiink I was brave enough to do it. But maybe I am ready to take the control back in all aspects of my life. If I cut that one heinous person out (and I did) then surely I can do it again, right?
Today I ventured out to a providence knitting group hosted by my friend Jake and Sarah ( of the 20/40 project ). It was nice. I almost didn't make it since, unlike in the old days, I couldn't just run through a drive through after work to get my foods. Especially since I wasn't all that active today, so sticking to the diet is paramount. Instead I had to actually go home and spend time cooking, eating, and cleaning up a healthy meal. Being healthy is really time consuming.
It was great to get out into a social setting that wasn't all about food and drink. Instead it is about knitting (at which I am a total beginner compared to these people, but I enjoyed it the same) and talk about everything. I tried not to be too boring and talk only about working out and dieting, which is kind of all I have going on right now.
Somehow the topic got on this one person I loathe. There are not many people I loathe, but she would be atop the list. She was absolutely heinous to me for no reason whatsoever, except that she is probably a really heinous human being. And it got me to thinking about all of those people in my life. All of those people who have made me miserable in the past, and how, just like with my eating, I gave them so much power in my life. I have let people control my moods by being consumed with earning their approval when they were never going to give it to me in the first place.
A friend and reader of this blog sent me a message about cutting negative family members out of her life and hwo it positively impacted her life, and I said I didn't thiink I was brave enough to do it. But maybe I am ready to take the control back in all aspects of my life. If I cut that one heinous person out (and I did) then surely I can do it again, right?
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
029: Not Much to Report!
Today has been mostly status quo, folks. Stuck to my diet pretty religiously, and in lieu of the gym played kickball, ran relay races, jumped rope, and played knockout basketball for 2.5 hours. It feels so good to be able to keep up with my kids at work, and they have noticed. This little boy, Tyler, looked up at me during kickball and said "miss jen, you're fun!" I've known tyler for 3 years and he has never said that before. He also has never seemed so genuinely suprised in his life.
Tonight will be my pampering night for the week. Paint my nails, maybe put on a facial mask, typical girly stuff. Other than cheat day, it's something I genuinely look forward to every week! hah.
Also today, on the way home, I got to thinking about dudes. I have been trying, in this zen monastic state, not to think about men or dating at all lately. And I've been doing a pretty good job. But come on, I'm only human.
And I got to thinking about the guys I've met, pined for, dated or not dated in the last 5 or so years. Which made me wonder how many guys I've lost out on because of my size.
I mean, don't get me wrong, the inner feminist in me wants to scream that if a guy cares that much about dress size and can't love me for who I really am then fuck them, but still. Psychology states that all men are subconsciously attracted to a specific waist to hip ratio, because in their mind that means that a girl will be better at furthering their genetic line. They are biased against massively skinny skeletal girls as well.
Also, your mind subconsciously puts people into categories to make thinking easier. These categories are called schemas, and overweight people are considered less pleasant, less organized, less desirable in just about every way than skinny people. And of course that's not true, but come on. We all do it without thinking. I've even done it before.
I'm looking forward to gaining a little self confidence and getting back out there and testing this theory. Part of me worries that I will still strike out and then will have to face the scary reality that maybe all men are not shallow and that my singledom has nothing to do with my size, but rather some incurable personality flaw, but it will be another exciting adventure anyway.
I suppose that's it for today. My siser's wedding is getting closer and with it, the first pictures that will be taken of me since I started this whole thing. And after the wedding I will be foraying back into the social scene that I have missed so much, ready to say things like "no thanks, I'm not hungry" and "I'll just be having water tonight".
It's going to be interesting, to say the least!
And for those of you keeping track... my chicken didn't thaw in time, so today's food alotment was pretty much exactly the same as yesterdays.
Tonight will be my pampering night for the week. Paint my nails, maybe put on a facial mask, typical girly stuff. Other than cheat day, it's something I genuinely look forward to every week! hah.
Also today, on the way home, I got to thinking about dudes. I have been trying, in this zen monastic state, not to think about men or dating at all lately. And I've been doing a pretty good job. But come on, I'm only human.
And I got to thinking about the guys I've met, pined for, dated or not dated in the last 5 or so years. Which made me wonder how many guys I've lost out on because of my size.
I mean, don't get me wrong, the inner feminist in me wants to scream that if a guy cares that much about dress size and can't love me for who I really am then fuck them, but still. Psychology states that all men are subconsciously attracted to a specific waist to hip ratio, because in their mind that means that a girl will be better at furthering their genetic line. They are biased against massively skinny skeletal girls as well.
Also, your mind subconsciously puts people into categories to make thinking easier. These categories are called schemas, and overweight people are considered less pleasant, less organized, less desirable in just about every way than skinny people. And of course that's not true, but come on. We all do it without thinking. I've even done it before.
I'm looking forward to gaining a little self confidence and getting back out there and testing this theory. Part of me worries that I will still strike out and then will have to face the scary reality that maybe all men are not shallow and that my singledom has nothing to do with my size, but rather some incurable personality flaw, but it will be another exciting adventure anyway.
I suppose that's it for today. My siser's wedding is getting closer and with it, the first pictures that will be taken of me since I started this whole thing. And after the wedding I will be foraying back into the social scene that I have missed so much, ready to say things like "no thanks, I'm not hungry" and "I'll just be having water tonight".
It's going to be interesting, to say the least!
And for those of you keeping track... my chicken didn't thaw in time, so today's food alotment was pretty much exactly the same as yesterdays.
Monday, April 16, 2012
028: Not as hard as it looked?
Did you think I forgot to post?
Never! My schedule is, as I've said before, just a little wacko this week.
However, day one is done, I'm showered, I've got a salad, and in approximately 18 minutes I will get to enjoy How I Met Your Mother which is something I usually have to hulu because I miss it working til 9, and you know what?
It wasn't that bad.
Before you ask, I didn't go to the gym today. However, I did spend an hour walking to and from Cold spring park with the kids from my daycare, and spent my time there running around and playing catch. My legs hurt, so I must have gotten a great workout!
And I think that sticking to my diet will be a lot easier this week, since i ate a burger and fries and a slice of birthday cake at my dad's birthday party last night. I didn't even finish HALF of my dinner, and had like 3 bites of dessert. (which, a month ago, would have been super weird) and was violently ill. I haven't really eaten like that to that extent all month. My body reacted angrily, and I still feel a bit sickish. It's like my stomach is shrinking. And becoming more intolerant of crap food. What's more, I'm actually craving the healthy stuff. Whoda thunk? Today I came home jonesing for a nice... salad?
Who craves salad?
Am I losing my mind?
If I am, I kind of like it.
Hopefully the rest of this week will be this effortless. I have a feeling it won't be, but a girl can dream, right?
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5: 237lbs
Breakfast: Oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake
Dinner: garden salad and 150 calorie pizza
Snack one: 1 granola square and 1 plum
Snack 2: 1 peach, and 1 rice cake
And 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 6 8oz glasses of water
Never! My schedule is, as I've said before, just a little wacko this week.
However, day one is done, I'm showered, I've got a salad, and in approximately 18 minutes I will get to enjoy How I Met Your Mother which is something I usually have to hulu because I miss it working til 9, and you know what?
It wasn't that bad.
Before you ask, I didn't go to the gym today. However, I did spend an hour walking to and from Cold spring park with the kids from my daycare, and spent my time there running around and playing catch. My legs hurt, so I must have gotten a great workout!
And I think that sticking to my diet will be a lot easier this week, since i ate a burger and fries and a slice of birthday cake at my dad's birthday party last night. I didn't even finish HALF of my dinner, and had like 3 bites of dessert. (which, a month ago, would have been super weird) and was violently ill. I haven't really eaten like that to that extent all month. My body reacted angrily, and I still feel a bit sickish. It's like my stomach is shrinking. And becoming more intolerant of crap food. What's more, I'm actually craving the healthy stuff. Whoda thunk? Today I came home jonesing for a nice... salad?
Who craves salad?
Am I losing my mind?
If I am, I kind of like it.
Hopefully the rest of this week will be this effortless. I have a feeling it won't be, but a girl can dream, right?
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5: 237lbs
Breakfast: Oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake
Dinner: garden salad and 150 calorie pizza
Snack one: 1 granola square and 1 plum
Snack 2: 1 peach, and 1 rice cake
And 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 6 8oz glasses of water
Sunday, April 15, 2012
027: If you want results, you've gotta do the work.
Weigh and measure time, kids!
So, as I expected, I didn't lose as much as I've lost in the last 3 weeks. However, I was just hoping to maintain and not gain. I am pleased to report that I lost 3 pounds! Also, which is both perplexing and amazing, I lost another 7.4 inches off my body. That brings the total to 23 pounds and 20.4 inches lost so far. Which is pretty good for a month, if you ask me. :) Especially when you consider that my goal was to lose 10 lbs a month, and I more than doubled that this month. You can't lose 7 pounds every week. Eventually, your body will need time to catch up.
Today Josh also asked if I would be interested in someday becoming a coach today at our meeting. I am definitely thinking about it. I don't think I know even close to enough to help someone lose weight yet, but hopefully, by the time I am 97 lbs skinnier, I will. I am learning something new every single day, so it is entirely possible.
One thing I WOULD like to learn (and again I'm going to reach out to all of you who might be reading this) is what the EFF to do to lose the paunch around my lower abs. I am watching everything else literally melt away, and this annoying like pocket of fat is just there to stay. I do upwards of 500 crunches daily. There's gotta be a six pack under there somewhere, but how do I get rid of the stuff on top? I am open to suggestions!
Yesterday night I went dress shopping with my mom. I'm officially down a dress size and then some. I got the cutest dress and sweater to wear to the bridal shower next weekend. Then I went to the carnival at the end of our street with my roommate. I spent all my money on games (rides were already closed down) and did not buy a single slushie or fried oreo. And I was pretty proud of that.
Today I get to hang out with the best little sister ever, and then go and celebrate my dad's birthday. Then starts the hellatious week from hell. Wish me luck, and expect tired/cranky entries to follow. For that, I am sorry!
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5!!! 237 lbs
Breakfast: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Snack 1: 100 calorie bag of popcorn
Snack 2: 1 rice cake/1 plum
Dinner: 1 bowl of cheerios in 1 cup skim milk, 1 peach
Also 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 4 80z glasses of water (I am all out of green tea!)
So, as I expected, I didn't lose as much as I've lost in the last 3 weeks. However, I was just hoping to maintain and not gain. I am pleased to report that I lost 3 pounds! Also, which is both perplexing and amazing, I lost another 7.4 inches off my body. That brings the total to 23 pounds and 20.4 inches lost so far. Which is pretty good for a month, if you ask me. :) Especially when you consider that my goal was to lose 10 lbs a month, and I more than doubled that this month. You can't lose 7 pounds every week. Eventually, your body will need time to catch up.
Today Josh also asked if I would be interested in someday becoming a coach today at our meeting. I am definitely thinking about it. I don't think I know even close to enough to help someone lose weight yet, but hopefully, by the time I am 97 lbs skinnier, I will. I am learning something new every single day, so it is entirely possible.
One thing I WOULD like to learn (and again I'm going to reach out to all of you who might be reading this) is what the EFF to do to lose the paunch around my lower abs. I am watching everything else literally melt away, and this annoying like pocket of fat is just there to stay. I do upwards of 500 crunches daily. There's gotta be a six pack under there somewhere, but how do I get rid of the stuff on top? I am open to suggestions!
Yesterday night I went dress shopping with my mom. I'm officially down a dress size and then some. I got the cutest dress and sweater to wear to the bridal shower next weekend. Then I went to the carnival at the end of our street with my roommate. I spent all my money on games (rides were already closed down) and did not buy a single slushie or fried oreo. And I was pretty proud of that.
Today I get to hang out with the best little sister ever, and then go and celebrate my dad's birthday. Then starts the hellatious week from hell. Wish me luck, and expect tired/cranky entries to follow. For that, I am sorry!
And for those of you keeping track:
Week 5!!! 237 lbs
Breakfast: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: oreo herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Snack 1: 100 calorie bag of popcorn
Snack 2: 1 rice cake/1 plum
Dinner: 1 bowl of cheerios in 1 cup skim milk, 1 peach
Also 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, and 4 80z glasses of water (I am all out of green tea!)
Saturday, April 14, 2012
026: In which zumba finally clicks and I throw my car radio out the window.
Hey out there! So first things first. THANK you for all of your killer awesome advice on my last post. I definitely took it all into consideration and I've decided to try to be more active at work next week (planning a few long distance walking trips with the kids) and do what Becky recommended and try to find an intense workout to do 30 minutes a day once or twice next week.
Plus, I am going to go to ZUMBA on Thursday night. Turns out the problem on monday wasn't zumba, but rather my instructor. This saturday morning class was SO much better, and easier, and awesome. The instructor, Steffi, plays GREAT music (backstreet boys, anyone?) and her combinations are easy enough that you can actually follow along. She teaches on Thursday nights as well, so I'm going to go thursday after work. Long story short, I am going to make this work.
Also, it would seem that blog fever has started to spread. A lot of you out there are starting to blog about your own life experiences and body images, and I think thats awesome. Jane is writing about "being the bigger person", Elise is writing about her struggle with mental health, and of course, Sara's still holding it down with the twenty/40 project which I read pretty often and love.. You girls have SO much going on! It's crazy. I hope blogging does as much for you as it has for me!
Lastly, and not to end on a down note, but I have to address size-ism. I started to write this blog earlier this week, after reading an article in which a writer for Marie Clare Magazine was reviewing the tv show Mike and Molly which is about two overweight people who are in love. In her article she said that she found it "gross" to watch two people with "rolls and rolls of fat" make out and then even went on to say that she finds it "aesthetically displeasing" to watch fat people do ANYTHING... even walk across a room
Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?
The writer/director of mike and molly talked about the article pointing out that the whole article (titled should fatties get a room? ) didnt talk about the acting or writing or directing at all but instead was an attack on two people and how their bodies looked. The writer eventually wrote a halfhearted apology but Marie Clare refused to take the article down and stood by it.
So that was strike one this week.
Strike two happened this morning. I missed my exit on the way to the gym and got detoured. I am glad it happened though because I heard DJ Vezze Parmasean on jammin 94.5 talk about "duff hunting". A "DUFF" for those of you who don't know, and as the DJ explained on the air is "the designated ugly fat friend" or the fat girl who goes to the club with a skinny girl and acts as "security" keeping all the guys away from the skinny girl so she can just dance. Duff Hunting, as the DJ explained, is when guys go out in a group and one guy "takes it for the team" and distracts the fat chick so that the other guy can get with the hot girl.
I have HAD. ENOUGH.
DUFF is a descriminatory term. If this DJ was using the term "faggot" or the N word, or "towel head" he would be OFF the fucking air. Same with the magazine article writer. If she siad it was aesthetically displeasing to see black people do anything, even walk accross a room, or that she found it gross to see two jewish people making out on tv, she would also lose her job.
Size-ism is real and should not be tolerated. If you are a bigger size and happy with yourself, you should be. A lot of people turn a blind eye to this because supposedly it's something people can control. Anyone who has ever had to lose a huge amount of weight knows just how hard it is to control this situation. It's almost as offensive as asking someone who is gay to just "stop" being gay.
Like it or not, while you can change your eating habits and work out, there are some people who are just built to be bigger. This is our body chemistry. Our metabolism. Our genetic code. How the FUCK are we supposed to change that?
I would like to conclude this by asking my rhode island and boston friends to Write to the show . Email morning show/feedback/AND if possible DJ Vezze and tell them that this is NOT okay. Listen to hot 106, or literally any other station. You wouldn't want to hear racism or homophobia or any other form of bigotry on the radio. Let's not encourage language that leads to depression, eating disorders, and descriminating people based on their body image.
Anyway. Weigh in tomorrow. Lets see if double duty at the gym makes up for my rocky start at the beginning of the week.
Week 4: 240lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Snack 1: granola square and a plum
Snack 2: granola square and a salt free rice cake
Dinner: 150 calorie pizza, grilled chicken, and spinach/cucumber salad
Plus 3 multivitiamins, 3 cell activators, and 8 80z glasses of water
Excercise: kicking my own butt at the gym... twice!
Plus, I am going to go to ZUMBA on Thursday night. Turns out the problem on monday wasn't zumba, but rather my instructor. This saturday morning class was SO much better, and easier, and awesome. The instructor, Steffi, plays GREAT music (backstreet boys, anyone?) and her combinations are easy enough that you can actually follow along. She teaches on Thursday nights as well, so I'm going to go thursday after work. Long story short, I am going to make this work.
Also, it would seem that blog fever has started to spread. A lot of you out there are starting to blog about your own life experiences and body images, and I think thats awesome. Jane is writing about "being the bigger person", Elise is writing about her struggle with mental health, and of course, Sara's still holding it down with the twenty/40 project which I read pretty often and love.. You girls have SO much going on! It's crazy. I hope blogging does as much for you as it has for me!
Lastly, and not to end on a down note, but I have to address size-ism. I started to write this blog earlier this week, after reading an article in which a writer for Marie Clare Magazine was reviewing the tv show Mike and Molly which is about two overweight people who are in love. In her article she said that she found it "gross" to watch two people with "rolls and rolls of fat" make out and then even went on to say that she finds it "aesthetically displeasing" to watch fat people do ANYTHING... even walk across a room
Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?
The writer/director of mike and molly talked about the article pointing out that the whole article (titled should fatties get a room? ) didnt talk about the acting or writing or directing at all but instead was an attack on two people and how their bodies looked. The writer eventually wrote a halfhearted apology but Marie Clare refused to take the article down and stood by it.
So that was strike one this week.
Strike two happened this morning. I missed my exit on the way to the gym and got detoured. I am glad it happened though because I heard DJ Vezze Parmasean on jammin 94.5 talk about "duff hunting". A "DUFF" for those of you who don't know, and as the DJ explained on the air is "the designated ugly fat friend" or the fat girl who goes to the club with a skinny girl and acts as "security" keeping all the guys away from the skinny girl so she can just dance. Duff Hunting, as the DJ explained, is when guys go out in a group and one guy "takes it for the team" and distracts the fat chick so that the other guy can get with the hot girl.
I have HAD. ENOUGH.
DUFF is a descriminatory term. If this DJ was using the term "faggot" or the N word, or "towel head" he would be OFF the fucking air. Same with the magazine article writer. If she siad it was aesthetically displeasing to see black people do anything, even walk accross a room, or that she found it gross to see two jewish people making out on tv, she would also lose her job.
Size-ism is real and should not be tolerated. If you are a bigger size and happy with yourself, you should be. A lot of people turn a blind eye to this because supposedly it's something people can control. Anyone who has ever had to lose a huge amount of weight knows just how hard it is to control this situation. It's almost as offensive as asking someone who is gay to just "stop" being gay.
Like it or not, while you can change your eating habits and work out, there are some people who are just built to be bigger. This is our body chemistry. Our metabolism. Our genetic code. How the FUCK are we supposed to change that?
I would like to conclude this by asking my rhode island and boston friends to Write to the show . Email morning show/feedback/AND if possible DJ Vezze and tell them that this is NOT okay. Listen to hot 106, or literally any other station. You wouldn't want to hear racism or homophobia or any other form of bigotry on the radio. Let's not encourage language that leads to depression, eating disorders, and descriminating people based on their body image.
Anyway. Weigh in tomorrow. Lets see if double duty at the gym makes up for my rocky start at the beginning of the week.
Week 4: 240lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Lunch: herbalife shake w/chocolate protein
Snack 1: granola square and a plum
Snack 2: granola square and a salt free rice cake
Dinner: 150 calorie pizza, grilled chicken, and spinach/cucumber salad
Plus 3 multivitiamins, 3 cell activators, and 8 80z glasses of water
Excercise: kicking my own butt at the gym... twice!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
025: popped chips and workouts and 12 hour days, oh my
So yesterday, I went home, fully intent on curling up with my cat (Lily), and watching re-runs of "How I met Your Mother", maybe taking a nap, maybe tooling around on facebook for a bit, and mostly wallowing in the fact that I felt crappy and was missing yet another day of working out.
Then, something happened. I had texted my herbalife coach, Josh, to place my order for next month. He texted me to see how it was going (apparently he does not read this blog). I texted back that this week had been really rough and I was doing my best to hang in there. He replied:
"You have already done really great so far. Every day is a new day."
And that is when I said to myself, "Self!"
I actually said it out loud. My cat was alarmed. I decided then and there that today was, in fact, a new day. So I changed, and headed out to the gym. I figured even if I only did half of my normal routine, which is about 45 minutes of intense cardio and 45 minutes of weights/resistance training, then it would be better than nothing. I did 30 minutes cardio and 30 minutes weights/resistance.
Boy oh boy did that suck.
Whoever says that working out reduces menstrual cramping is a LIAR. My middle school gym teacher used to tell me that. I will tell anyone who has not tried it before that this is a LIE. A lie that was probably made up by some crazy fitness junkie who trained so much that they had maybe .2% body fat and couldn't actually get their period anymore. Working out yesterday was a sweaty, gross, achy feeling that I pretty much hated from start to finish.
But I did it.
I was also thinking about next week. With my ridiculous 12 hour/11 hour day schedule, do you think I should just try try again at working out at night after working 12 hours (I've tried this before and I'm always exhausted and unable to really push myself to do enough of a workout) OR
And bare with me here.
Do I get up at 4am and work out before work, and THEN work 12 hours, at which point I promptly pass out for 10 hours and do it all over again? Both of these scenarios have their pros and cons. I will have more energy at 4am than at 7pm. The gym will be less crowded at 4am. But waking up that early could fuck up my sleep cycle even more than it already is. And I hate hate hate mornings. So I'm open to suggestions. How do I get my workouts in even with this insane-o work schedule? I should also point out that it's pretty important to figure this out now, since this 12 hour schedule will be my schedule all summer. Oy vey.
Oh! And I also found these really great vegan "popped" chips to snack on. They are healthier than regular chips or crackers, and they have that crunchy salty taste I crave all the time. I was pretty souped.
Week 4: 240lbs
Breakfast: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein in water
Lunch: 1cup cheerios in 1/2 cup skim milk, 1 peach
Snack 1: 1 serving of popchips
Snack 2: A plum
Dinner: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein in water
Also! 3 multivitamins, 2 green teas, 2 cell activators, and 8 80z glasses of water! (Finally drank enough water!)
Then, something happened. I had texted my herbalife coach, Josh, to place my order for next month. He texted me to see how it was going (apparently he does not read this blog). I texted back that this week had been really rough and I was doing my best to hang in there. He replied:
"You have already done really great so far. Every day is a new day."
And that is when I said to myself, "Self!"
I actually said it out loud. My cat was alarmed. I decided then and there that today was, in fact, a new day. So I changed, and headed out to the gym. I figured even if I only did half of my normal routine, which is about 45 minutes of intense cardio and 45 minutes of weights/resistance training, then it would be better than nothing. I did 30 minutes cardio and 30 minutes weights/resistance.
Boy oh boy did that suck.
Whoever says that working out reduces menstrual cramping is a LIAR. My middle school gym teacher used to tell me that. I will tell anyone who has not tried it before that this is a LIE. A lie that was probably made up by some crazy fitness junkie who trained so much that they had maybe .2% body fat and couldn't actually get their period anymore. Working out yesterday was a sweaty, gross, achy feeling that I pretty much hated from start to finish.
But I did it.
I was also thinking about next week. With my ridiculous 12 hour/11 hour day schedule, do you think I should just try try again at working out at night after working 12 hours (I've tried this before and I'm always exhausted and unable to really push myself to do enough of a workout) OR
And bare with me here.
Do I get up at 4am and work out before work, and THEN work 12 hours, at which point I promptly pass out for 10 hours and do it all over again? Both of these scenarios have their pros and cons. I will have more energy at 4am than at 7pm. The gym will be less crowded at 4am. But waking up that early could fuck up my sleep cycle even more than it already is. And I hate hate hate mornings. So I'm open to suggestions. How do I get my workouts in even with this insane-o work schedule? I should also point out that it's pretty important to figure this out now, since this 12 hour schedule will be my schedule all summer. Oy vey.
Oh! And I also found these really great vegan "popped" chips to snack on. They are healthier than regular chips or crackers, and they have that crunchy salty taste I crave all the time. I was pretty souped.
Week 4: 240lbs
Breakfast: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein in water
Lunch: 1cup cheerios in 1/2 cup skim milk, 1 peach
Snack 1: 1 serving of popchips
Snack 2: A plum
Dinner: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein in water
Also! 3 multivitamins, 2 green teas, 2 cell activators, and 8 80z glasses of water! (Finally drank enough water!)
024: Love is all you need.
So. I was originally going to post a really cranky blog today about sizeism and how it's unfair that it's easier for guys to lose weight because their reproductive hormones don't mess with their metabolism and they aren't crippled with body rocking cramps 2 days a month that renders them physically incapable of working out.
But then a funny thing happened.
I've been getting all this love from my readers, and it just made me not so cranky anymore. It's really hard to be cranky when you are getting such positive support from people!
I saved that size-ist cranky ass blog, and will totally post it later, as I think size-ism and weight-ism are genuine forms of bigotry that need to be stopped, but for now, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the facebook comments, notes, and the notes here on the blog. It's very cool that you guys are getting something out of it.
And, I'll be honest, a little scary. It sort of makes me realize how many people will notice if I fuck this up. Which I really hope is something I'm not going to do. It gives me that much more accountability and turns up the pressure a little. (Granted that this is more pressure that I am putting on myself than anything else) but still.
I think it's a good thing. This week has felt a little make or break. I am kind of dreading weigh in on Sunday. I know the gym is going to be a problem all week long. And next week too, since I'm working 11 hour days (6:30am-5:30pm). I'm just going to have to stick to the diet really closely and hope for the best. By the best I mean I just hope I didn't gain any weight this week. I almost expect not to lose. I havent worked out. I've cheated. I'm hoping I don't feel abismal soon so I can get back into the swing of things, but it may not be enough time before my weigh in. I'm really trying to stay positive though. I mean, I can't expect to lose 7 pounds every single week. That would be nuts. That would be 120lbs in less than 6 months. My body would not be pleased.
Oh and speaking of that diet, thanks for all the great recipes you guys keep sending! That is maybe my favorite part of this adventure is learning to cook and trying new things. I am literally re-teaching myself how to eat, so it's been really cool to get some suggestions to try out. My friend sarah (of the 20/40 project ) and I are having a healthy foods and board games night coming up soon. I am definitely making my superfit 150 calorie pizza, and I think I'm going to try some of your other recipes too. Keep them coming!
Big things next week. Bridesmaid dress fitting on monday. Zumba on saturday and monday. And maybe going with my friend who belongs to OA to a meeting, just to see what it's like. I feel a little silly going to overeater's anonymous, but he was really adamant about me seeing what it's all about. I'm not saying people cannot be addicted to food, I'm just saying that it feels like such a ridiculous thing to be addicted to. Embarassing, maybe, to think that I could be one of those people. But hey, I am in a phase of my life where I will try anything once, right?
For those of you keeping score, I'mg etting back on the daily menus, so here goes:
Week 4: 240lbs (-20lbs)
Breakfast: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein powder
Lunch: 150 calorie whole wheat pizza, spinach/romaine/cucumber salad
Snack1: peach
Snack 2: 100 calorie smart pop popcorn
Dinner: herbalife cookies n cream shake (no protein powder)
Also 2 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 green tea, and some water.
I really need to get back into the habit of drinking more water.
But then a funny thing happened.
I've been getting all this love from my readers, and it just made me not so cranky anymore. It's really hard to be cranky when you are getting such positive support from people!
I saved that size-ist cranky ass blog, and will totally post it later, as I think size-ism and weight-ism are genuine forms of bigotry that need to be stopped, but for now, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the facebook comments, notes, and the notes here on the blog. It's very cool that you guys are getting something out of it.
And, I'll be honest, a little scary. It sort of makes me realize how many people will notice if I fuck this up. Which I really hope is something I'm not going to do. It gives me that much more accountability and turns up the pressure a little. (Granted that this is more pressure that I am putting on myself than anything else) but still.
I think it's a good thing. This week has felt a little make or break. I am kind of dreading weigh in on Sunday. I know the gym is going to be a problem all week long. And next week too, since I'm working 11 hour days (6:30am-5:30pm). I'm just going to have to stick to the diet really closely and hope for the best. By the best I mean I just hope I didn't gain any weight this week. I almost expect not to lose. I havent worked out. I've cheated. I'm hoping I don't feel abismal soon so I can get back into the swing of things, but it may not be enough time before my weigh in. I'm really trying to stay positive though. I mean, I can't expect to lose 7 pounds every single week. That would be nuts. That would be 120lbs in less than 6 months. My body would not be pleased.
Oh and speaking of that diet, thanks for all the great recipes you guys keep sending! That is maybe my favorite part of this adventure is learning to cook and trying new things. I am literally re-teaching myself how to eat, so it's been really cool to get some suggestions to try out. My friend sarah (of the 20/40 project ) and I are having a healthy foods and board games night coming up soon. I am definitely making my superfit 150 calorie pizza, and I think I'm going to try some of your other recipes too. Keep them coming!
Big things next week. Bridesmaid dress fitting on monday. Zumba on saturday and monday. And maybe going with my friend who belongs to OA to a meeting, just to see what it's like. I feel a little silly going to overeater's anonymous, but he was really adamant about me seeing what it's all about. I'm not saying people cannot be addicted to food, I'm just saying that it feels like such a ridiculous thing to be addicted to. Embarassing, maybe, to think that I could be one of those people. But hey, I am in a phase of my life where I will try anything once, right?
For those of you keeping score, I'mg etting back on the daily menus, so here goes:
Week 4: 240lbs (-20lbs)
Breakfast: herbalife cookies n cream shake w/chocolate protein powder
Lunch: 150 calorie whole wheat pizza, spinach/romaine/cucumber salad
Snack1: peach
Snack 2: 100 calorie smart pop popcorn
Dinner: herbalife cookies n cream shake (no protein powder)
Also 2 multivitamins, 2 cell activators, 1 green tea, and some water.
I really need to get back into the habit of drinking more water.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
023: Please don't confront me with my failures... I had not forgotten them.
So. Yesterday I went on facebook. And I've decided to stay on facebook. I feel like I have enough going on now where I'm not going to spend all my time on it. I had my reasons for signing on and that's all there is to it. Sure it's 6 days early, but whatever.
What was really amazing to me was some of the reactions I got. The disappointment. The negativity. It was kind of ridiculous. Let me just be clear that the whole facebook challenge was just a sidebar to a much bigger adventure that I have put myself on. If I am on facebook a week early and still eating healthy and working out and losing weight, then that is what is really important, right?
This week has sucked. Especially last night. Iw as already feeling really down. Having trouble thinking positively. There are just days where it catches up with you. Days where you feel like nothing is ever really going to change. Because it never has before.
Some of you will never know how hard this is. To deal with an addiction you can never fully be rid of. To struggle with something that, either way, makes you feel insecure and vulnerable, and frustrated. To feel trapped in your own body and feel like a failure every time you slip up on a diet and excercise regimen that I am 99 percent sure that most "normal" women couldn't keep up with if they tried. Rest assured, I do not need your negativity or your admonishment. I am harder on myself than you could ever be on me.
Some friends will kick you when you're down. But real friends pick you up when you fall.
As for today, I am going to pour all of this frustration, and all of your negativity and my own into kicking my own butt at the gym. Time to get back on track.
What was really amazing to me was some of the reactions I got. The disappointment. The negativity. It was kind of ridiculous. Let me just be clear that the whole facebook challenge was just a sidebar to a much bigger adventure that I have put myself on. If I am on facebook a week early and still eating healthy and working out and losing weight, then that is what is really important, right?
This week has sucked. Especially last night. Iw as already feeling really down. Having trouble thinking positively. There are just days where it catches up with you. Days where you feel like nothing is ever really going to change. Because it never has before.
Some of you will never know how hard this is. To deal with an addiction you can never fully be rid of. To struggle with something that, either way, makes you feel insecure and vulnerable, and frustrated. To feel trapped in your own body and feel like a failure every time you slip up on a diet and excercise regimen that I am 99 percent sure that most "normal" women couldn't keep up with if they tried. Rest assured, I do not need your negativity or your admonishment. I am harder on myself than you could ever be on me.
Some friends will kick you when you're down. But real friends pick you up when you fall.
As for today, I am going to pour all of this frustration, and all of your negativity and my own into kicking my own butt at the gym. Time to get back on track.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
022: The susan powter of zumba classes, and recommitting.
Hey all! I was THIS close to not posting today. I'm rather out of it. I've got a migraine headache, cramps like you would not believe, and I'm effing exhausted.
How's that for honest?
To make matters worse, today has just been a really off day for me. I signed into facebook a week early! GASP! I had to check up on some stuff for my sister's bridal shower which is in two weeks, so I couldn't really wait any longer. I also cheated today. Despite today not being a cheat day.
I read a really interesting thing on my friend stacy's facebook. She said that her treat to herself for losing 35lbs was to get hello kitty floormats for her car. And someone commented that that was the right thing to do, and that celebrating by having a cheat day is like an alcoholic celebrating their victories with a few drinks.
And that's really true, you know? I think part of my backslide has to do with my coach TELLING me to cheat. And I think that having lost so much weight in such a short time has made me a little TOO comfortable, which has made me lax a little in my eating habits over the last four days. Which is no good. If you want results, you still have to do the work.
So no more cheat days from now til the wedding. cravings be DAMNED. I am taking this moment to re-commit to my diet once again. I know I do this a lot. But this is HARD. And it SUCKS. And so I have to re-focus myself a lot or I'm just going to say eff it and drop it all together.
120lbs in 12 months.
Scratch that.
100lbs in 11 months.
That's a pretty good edit to make. :)
OH! I also wanted to update you guys on Zumba. I went yesterday, and it was a completely different experience than Saturday. Saturday my heart rate was up and I wanted to die, but it was still a REALLY good class.
Monday just sucked.
I think I stumbled into the zumba doctorate class. Something where you need a masters in salsa hip shaking from juiliard to even keep up with the steps. It was so hard. I felt like I didn't even get a good workout because I was so busy trying to keep up with the steps. Futhermore I was literally the only woman in the class who wasn't a size 2, and I was the only woman who didn't know every single step of every single routine.
This instructor clearly doesn't mix up her songs very much. Or her choreography.
To make matters worse, the instructor, a susan powter on speed super peppy flight attendant of a woman with a neon pink leotard and one of those olivia newton john get physical sweatbands, was overly peppy and continually singled me out. Granted, she was doing it in a positive way ("YOU CAN DO IT!" "JUST KEEP TRYING, YOU'LL GET IT!") but I still wanted to deck her.
When I left the class, red faced and frustrated, she stopped me and gave me a thumbs up and an overenthusiastic "YOU DID A GREAT JOB!". I wanted to turn around and be like... are you fucking blind? I was stumbling around out there. I belong in the special olympics of zumba what the hell is WRONG with you! I didn't do a great job at all!
Her enthusiasm actually made me feel worse. Like, I needed all that extra encouragement and recognition because Im fat. Fuck you lady. I will be attending zumba on saturday mornings only, thank you very much.
So. I'm hitting the gym hard tomorrow. Back to my old routine of cardio/resistance/weights and super tightly sticking to my diet. I have 5 days essentially to undo the damage I've done over the last couple of days. Can I do it?
You bet your ass I'm going to try!
How's that for honest?
To make matters worse, today has just been a really off day for me. I signed into facebook a week early! GASP! I had to check up on some stuff for my sister's bridal shower which is in two weeks, so I couldn't really wait any longer. I also cheated today. Despite today not being a cheat day.
I read a really interesting thing on my friend stacy's facebook. She said that her treat to herself for losing 35lbs was to get hello kitty floormats for her car. And someone commented that that was the right thing to do, and that celebrating by having a cheat day is like an alcoholic celebrating their victories with a few drinks.
And that's really true, you know? I think part of my backslide has to do with my coach TELLING me to cheat. And I think that having lost so much weight in such a short time has made me a little TOO comfortable, which has made me lax a little in my eating habits over the last four days. Which is no good. If you want results, you still have to do the work.
So no more cheat days from now til the wedding. cravings be DAMNED. I am taking this moment to re-commit to my diet once again. I know I do this a lot. But this is HARD. And it SUCKS. And so I have to re-focus myself a lot or I'm just going to say eff it and drop it all together.
120lbs in 12 months.
Scratch that.
100lbs in 11 months.
That's a pretty good edit to make. :)
OH! I also wanted to update you guys on Zumba. I went yesterday, and it was a completely different experience than Saturday. Saturday my heart rate was up and I wanted to die, but it was still a REALLY good class.
Monday just sucked.
I think I stumbled into the zumba doctorate class. Something where you need a masters in salsa hip shaking from juiliard to even keep up with the steps. It was so hard. I felt like I didn't even get a good workout because I was so busy trying to keep up with the steps. Futhermore I was literally the only woman in the class who wasn't a size 2, and I was the only woman who didn't know every single step of every single routine.
This instructor clearly doesn't mix up her songs very much. Or her choreography.
To make matters worse, the instructor, a susan powter on speed super peppy flight attendant of a woman with a neon pink leotard and one of those olivia newton john get physical sweatbands, was overly peppy and continually singled me out. Granted, she was doing it in a positive way ("YOU CAN DO IT!" "JUST KEEP TRYING, YOU'LL GET IT!") but I still wanted to deck her.
When I left the class, red faced and frustrated, she stopped me and gave me a thumbs up and an overenthusiastic "YOU DID A GREAT JOB!". I wanted to turn around and be like... are you fucking blind? I was stumbling around out there. I belong in the special olympics of zumba what the hell is WRONG with you! I didn't do a great job at all!
Her enthusiasm actually made me feel worse. Like, I needed all that extra encouragement and recognition because Im fat. Fuck you lady. I will be attending zumba on saturday mornings only, thank you very much.
So. I'm hitting the gym hard tomorrow. Back to my old routine of cardio/resistance/weights and super tightly sticking to my diet. I have 5 days essentially to undo the damage I've done over the last couple of days. Can I do it?
You bet your ass I'm going to try!
Monday, April 9, 2012
021: Happy Easter
So, I skipped a day. However, that puts me back on track, since I did two posts on Friday. So there.
I hope everyone who celebrated Easter or Passover had a great holiday weekend. I sure did. I love spending time with my family. And for the most part they are really supportive of this adventure that I am on. They are even starting to notice my weight loss. And for the few negative nancies that I am related to, fuck em. Haters gonna hate. A large part of my extended family is morbidly obese, so I guess they can't really see why I would want to change. They don't see anything wrong with knee problems, type two diabetes, and heart disease. So whatever.
I didn't go to the gym yesterday, and I had a slight cheating moment, but whatever. It was easter. Today it's back to the grind-literally. Hitting the zumba class and then hopefully (if I don't feel like death) doing another littler version of my regular workout.
Big things coming up this week. I am getting my maid of honor dress fitted/altered this week. I pretty much can't wait, since when I told the seamstress I wanted to get a smaller size because I was going to lose weight she sort of shot me a withering look and said "well, it's easier to take it in than take it out, so lets go with this size". Take THAT seamstress lady. Right between the eyes.
Also, the time has come to buy new herbalife. This means I am just about done with the month, which is crazy. It feels like it has flown by. I really feel (and I know that I've said this before and I hope this doesn't jinx me) that I am falling into a really good rhythm. I can't wait to see where I am at the end of the next month.
So. Also this week (and I apologize to my 1 or 2 male readers here), I am due to get, as my immature hipster roommate calls it, my "monthly gift". Proof that if there is a God, he is a dude. A dude who hates women. And Honestly I don't understand the point. As someone who never plans on having kids, I feel like it should be my option to remove whatever organs cause this to happen, permanently. Because normally, around this time tomorrow, I will be doubled over with some of the worst cramps ever. Seriously. Every woman in my family gets them. I feel it from my toes to the ends of my hair. It's unpleasant, to say the least.
However, with the crazy amount that I have been working out/dieting and whatnot this month, I am curious to see if that urban myth about excercise reducing cramp pain might be true. I feel like I've earned a month free of bloating and fatigue and tummy pain,d on't you?
Also this week, I'm going to try to force myself to eat one new food a day. Yesterday I tried tomatoes (again) and discovered that I don't like them (again). They say that you have to try something seven times before you can be sure if you like them or not, so maybe it's time to give all that healthy food I hated as a kid a second try. You never know.
I hope everyone who celebrated Easter or Passover had a great holiday weekend. I sure did. I love spending time with my family. And for the most part they are really supportive of this adventure that I am on. They are even starting to notice my weight loss. And for the few negative nancies that I am related to, fuck em. Haters gonna hate. A large part of my extended family is morbidly obese, so I guess they can't really see why I would want to change. They don't see anything wrong with knee problems, type two diabetes, and heart disease. So whatever.
I didn't go to the gym yesterday, and I had a slight cheating moment, but whatever. It was easter. Today it's back to the grind-literally. Hitting the zumba class and then hopefully (if I don't feel like death) doing another littler version of my regular workout.
Big things coming up this week. I am getting my maid of honor dress fitted/altered this week. I pretty much can't wait, since when I told the seamstress I wanted to get a smaller size because I was going to lose weight she sort of shot me a withering look and said "well, it's easier to take it in than take it out, so lets go with this size". Take THAT seamstress lady. Right between the eyes.
Also, the time has come to buy new herbalife. This means I am just about done with the month, which is crazy. It feels like it has flown by. I really feel (and I know that I've said this before and I hope this doesn't jinx me) that I am falling into a really good rhythm. I can't wait to see where I am at the end of the next month.
So. Also this week (and I apologize to my 1 or 2 male readers here), I am due to get, as my immature hipster roommate calls it, my "monthly gift". Proof that if there is a God, he is a dude. A dude who hates women. And Honestly I don't understand the point. As someone who never plans on having kids, I feel like it should be my option to remove whatever organs cause this to happen, permanently. Because normally, around this time tomorrow, I will be doubled over with some of the worst cramps ever. Seriously. Every woman in my family gets them. I feel it from my toes to the ends of my hair. It's unpleasant, to say the least.
However, with the crazy amount that I have been working out/dieting and whatnot this month, I am curious to see if that urban myth about excercise reducing cramp pain might be true. I feel like I've earned a month free of bloating and fatigue and tummy pain,d on't you?
Also this week, I'm going to try to force myself to eat one new food a day. Yesterday I tried tomatoes (again) and discovered that I don't like them (again). They say that you have to try something seven times before you can be sure if you like them or not, so maybe it's time to give all that healthy food I hated as a kid a second try. You never know.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
020: Zumba kicks our heroine's ass
So, since I've last blogged, i've been to the gym twice. I went to work out last night, which was awesome since the girl's gym was empty so it was like I had my own private space to work out. Not waiting for the ab machine made wasting my friday night all the more worth it.
Then, this morning, I went to a Zumba class. I was a little apprehensive, since I haven't been to a group ex class in like... years. I have been letting that hold me back since I started going to the gym. It's the same as making the excuse that you are too fat to go to the gym. I didn't want a room full of judgy women watching me struggle with aerobic dance moves. When I'm fitter. I procrastinated endlessly. But today was the day.
And, not suprisingly, I struggled. 10 minutes in I wasn't even sure I would finish. But I did. I messed up my knee a bit, but I did. Old ladies were moving twice as fast and twice as hard as me, but I finished. And it will only get easier. Plus, I love zumba. Who knew shimmying could be a valid form of excercise?
Anyway. Then I went to my coach's studio to weigh in. After 3 weeks I am down 20 pounds and 13 total inches. Which is kind of amazing.
Fuck that. It's REALLY amazing. I'm hoping that by the end of the first month, I will be down 30 pounds. Then I will be three times further than I thought I'd be at the end of the firstmonth. But even if I'm not, I am still so far ahead. I'm so so happy. I cannot say enough good things about herbalife. It's making such huge changes in my life. And while some days are a struggle, it's days like this that make me realize how worth it it is going to be!
Now I am off to celebrate with some delicious fellini's pizza.
Then, this morning, I went to a Zumba class. I was a little apprehensive, since I haven't been to a group ex class in like... years. I have been letting that hold me back since I started going to the gym. It's the same as making the excuse that you are too fat to go to the gym. I didn't want a room full of judgy women watching me struggle with aerobic dance moves. When I'm fitter. I procrastinated endlessly. But today was the day.
And, not suprisingly, I struggled. 10 minutes in I wasn't even sure I would finish. But I did. I messed up my knee a bit, but I did. Old ladies were moving twice as fast and twice as hard as me, but I finished. And it will only get easier. Plus, I love zumba. Who knew shimmying could be a valid form of excercise?
Anyway. Then I went to my coach's studio to weigh in. After 3 weeks I am down 20 pounds and 13 total inches. Which is kind of amazing.
Fuck that. It's REALLY amazing. I'm hoping that by the end of the first month, I will be down 30 pounds. Then I will be three times further than I thought I'd be at the end of the firstmonth. But even if I'm not, I am still so far ahead. I'm so so happy. I cannot say enough good things about herbalife. It's making such huge changes in my life. And while some days are a struggle, it's days like this that make me realize how worth it it is going to be!
Now I am off to celebrate with some delicious fellini's pizza.
Friday, April 6, 2012
019: Fat girls remorse
Jumping crocodiles, Batman! Two blog posts in one day! It's like... Christmas!
Really though, I just thought this morning's blog was a little sub-par, didn't you? And I have things to write about now, so I figured I could do it now rather than later when I've forgotten the point I want to make.
Today was kind of a big day in the world of this particularly curvy girl. Firstly, I got to go to work later than usual (9:30!). There's a big promotion taht I'm up for and I had a meeting for that. It looks pretty promising, but I've never been the type to get my hopes up unrealistically.
I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. About getting dizzy. About that stupid measly pound. About the fact that my weigh and measure is tomorrow and I haven't lost enough. I hate that I am obsessing over it this much, but it is really important to me that I keep this momentum going. I know if I don't I'm just going to back slide into twice a day drive throughs and drinking like a fish.
Anyway. I left my meeting and went to the daycare program that I manage. Lo and behold some WONDERFUL parent had left myself (and the rest of my staff) presents. Mine was a giant. chocolate. bunny. And some reese's peanut butter eggs. I was torn between thanking them and telling them to fuck off.
So I went about my super busy work day, constantly passing by that treasure trove of bad/delicious items. Keep in mind, I don't even particularly like candy. But when I do, it usually involves peanut butter.
So finally, I gave in. I had one- ONE- peanut butter egg and then gave the rest to the kids. They were souped and rode that sugar high for the rest of the day. Me? I had fat girls remorse. Especially since people saw me eat it.
What is fat girl's remorse, you ask? It is the way we eat things we know we aren't supposed to. Half the time we don't even enjoy it,, when in mixed company. It's the way we look up shamefully from our plates or candies or what have you when we catch someone looking at us eating in public. It's the way we actually hide what we eat or how much we eat from boyfriends, skinny friends, and casual aquaintances. People we know might judge us or think differently of us. And the thing is, skinny girls don't care. A skinny girl will not think twice of ripping into a bacon double cheeseburger and fries right in front of her significant other, and not care. Because chances are, he'll think it's cute that his lady can eat.
But only if she's skinny. That's the double standard right there.
Maybe I'm the only girl who feels this way, but I doubt it.
Anyway. After the peanut butter egg incident, I was really kicking myself. I had convinced myself that that one peanut butter egg was going to completely ruin my weigh in tomorrow. I was already plannning on skipping dinner and doing double time at the gym tonight and tomorrow before the weigh in. I went home feeling like crap. Even though for the FIRST TIME since I started this little healthy experiment someone noticed that I had lost weight. I still felt like crap. I couldn't focus on the positive. All I could focus on was that damn slip up.
And then I checked my mail.
And I recieved a really thoughtful little gift from miss Sarah S. (of the aforementioned http://twentyforty.wordpress.com ) . Sarah had apparently seen that I had been having a rough couple of days and sent me the cuuuuutest little gym tote for my keys, phone, headphones and what have you (a very thoughtful gift!). And it made me feel so much better. I am so glad I have friends who know what I am going through and who are, in some cases going through the same thing.It is good to hold each other up, because it's not easy, and people who haven't been through this will never know how hard it is.
So Sarah completely rebooted my bad mood. I cooked dinner! And, by the way, I made a great whole wheat english muffin pizza that REALLY hit the spot and is only 155 calories (even with the sauce and delicious cheeses on it!) and a spinach, cucumber, and romaine salad, into which I sprinkled a grilled chicken tenderloin that I seasoned with lemon and pepper. It was such a good dinner. I still think I am going to try to hit the gym tonight. WOW is 24 hours and I feel rejuvenated again.
I'm going to leave you with some insight that my friend Maggie posted not too long ago. She told me to focus on all that I have lost, and to keep my chin up. And I'm really trying. Some days are harder than others, but on those days I thank YOU GUYS for getting me through. Xxx
Really though, I just thought this morning's blog was a little sub-par, didn't you? And I have things to write about now, so I figured I could do it now rather than later when I've forgotten the point I want to make.
Today was kind of a big day in the world of this particularly curvy girl. Firstly, I got to go to work later than usual (9:30!). There's a big promotion taht I'm up for and I had a meeting for that. It looks pretty promising, but I've never been the type to get my hopes up unrealistically.
I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. About getting dizzy. About that stupid measly pound. About the fact that my weigh and measure is tomorrow and I haven't lost enough. I hate that I am obsessing over it this much, but it is really important to me that I keep this momentum going. I know if I don't I'm just going to back slide into twice a day drive throughs and drinking like a fish.
Anyway. I left my meeting and went to the daycare program that I manage. Lo and behold some WONDERFUL parent had left myself (and the rest of my staff) presents. Mine was a giant. chocolate. bunny. And some reese's peanut butter eggs. I was torn between thanking them and telling them to fuck off.
So I went about my super busy work day, constantly passing by that treasure trove of bad/delicious items. Keep in mind, I don't even particularly like candy. But when I do, it usually involves peanut butter.
So finally, I gave in. I had one- ONE- peanut butter egg and then gave the rest to the kids. They were souped and rode that sugar high for the rest of the day. Me? I had fat girls remorse. Especially since people saw me eat it.
What is fat girl's remorse, you ask? It is the way we eat things we know we aren't supposed to. Half the time we don't even enjoy it,, when in mixed company. It's the way we look up shamefully from our plates or candies or what have you when we catch someone looking at us eating in public. It's the way we actually hide what we eat or how much we eat from boyfriends, skinny friends, and casual aquaintances. People we know might judge us or think differently of us. And the thing is, skinny girls don't care. A skinny girl will not think twice of ripping into a bacon double cheeseburger and fries right in front of her significant other, and not care. Because chances are, he'll think it's cute that his lady can eat.
But only if she's skinny. That's the double standard right there.
Maybe I'm the only girl who feels this way, but I doubt it.
Anyway. After the peanut butter egg incident, I was really kicking myself. I had convinced myself that that one peanut butter egg was going to completely ruin my weigh in tomorrow. I was already plannning on skipping dinner and doing double time at the gym tonight and tomorrow before the weigh in. I went home feeling like crap. Even though for the FIRST TIME since I started this little healthy experiment someone noticed that I had lost weight. I still felt like crap. I couldn't focus on the positive. All I could focus on was that damn slip up.
And then I checked my mail.
And I recieved a really thoughtful little gift from miss Sarah S. (of the aforementioned http://twentyforty.wordpress.com ) . Sarah had apparently seen that I had been having a rough couple of days and sent me the cuuuuutest little gym tote for my keys, phone, headphones and what have you (a very thoughtful gift!). And it made me feel so much better. I am so glad I have friends who know what I am going through and who are, in some cases going through the same thing.It is good to hold each other up, because it's not easy, and people who haven't been through this will never know how hard it is.
So Sarah completely rebooted my bad mood. I cooked dinner! And, by the way, I made a great whole wheat english muffin pizza that REALLY hit the spot and is only 155 calories (even with the sauce and delicious cheeses on it!) and a spinach, cucumber, and romaine salad, into which I sprinkled a grilled chicken tenderloin that I seasoned with lemon and pepper. It was such a good dinner. I still think I am going to try to hit the gym tonight. WOW is 24 hours and I feel rejuvenated again.
I'm going to leave you with some insight that my friend Maggie posted not too long ago. She told me to focus on all that I have lost, and to keep my chin up. And I'm really trying. Some days are harder than others, but on those days I thank YOU GUYS for getting me through. Xxx
018: A scary moment.
So yesterday I hit the gym hard. With all my might. I'm talking 9 minute miles on the elliptical for an hour, then 120 reps of just about everything (except crunches, which I did 500 of). I left the gym feeling like I had found the solution to my plateau- just. push. harder. I felt diesel! I felt invincible!
And sweaty. I also felt very very sweaty.
So I went home and hit the showers. That's when things got a little scary. I stooped over to pick up my shapoo/conditioner and all of a sudden the whole room was spinning. The vision at my periphery got really fuzzy and seemed to shake. Then started to go black. I sat down at the bottom of the shower and in a few moments I was fine. Except I also felt really nauseated. So I hurriedly finished my shower and then went and drank a lot of water, and made my lunch shake.
It was the only thing I'd had to eat and drink since my breakfast shake. And maybe this is my body telling me this is too much. But if so, that's not fair. This should be enough. And to make matters worse, I weighed myself yesterday and I have only lost a pound this week. 1 stupid. measly. stinking. pound. What the eff is that, body? I have been following this diet and excercise plan so strictly. I have been literally working my ass off and making myself fairly miserable in the process. It's only fair for all that work I'm putting in that this should work, right?
Anyway. Thanks again to everybody for reading! Your suggestions were great ones. I think I am going to try Sara P's couch to 5k program. I wanted to do a 5k in June anyway, since my organization is having one. So that should work out perfectly.
And sweaty. I also felt very very sweaty.
So I went home and hit the showers. That's when things got a little scary. I stooped over to pick up my shapoo/conditioner and all of a sudden the whole room was spinning. The vision at my periphery got really fuzzy and seemed to shake. Then started to go black. I sat down at the bottom of the shower and in a few moments I was fine. Except I also felt really nauseated. So I hurriedly finished my shower and then went and drank a lot of water, and made my lunch shake.
It was the only thing I'd had to eat and drink since my breakfast shake. And maybe this is my body telling me this is too much. But if so, that's not fair. This should be enough. And to make matters worse, I weighed myself yesterday and I have only lost a pound this week. 1 stupid. measly. stinking. pound. What the eff is that, body? I have been following this diet and excercise plan so strictly. I have been literally working my ass off and making myself fairly miserable in the process. It's only fair for all that work I'm putting in that this should work, right?
Anyway. Thanks again to everybody for reading! Your suggestions were great ones. I think I am going to try Sara P's couch to 5k program. I wanted to do a 5k in June anyway, since my organization is having one. So that should work out perfectly.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
017: Buying a belt, and other things.
Hey there folks!
So, I picked up some new herbalife formula one yesterday. Cookies n cream. I have to admit, it's pretty tasty. I am looking forward to blending it with some chocolate protein today and seeing how that works.
Also, since Sunday is easter, I have to weigh in on Saturday. Which, I will admit, I am a little upset about. That gives me one less day to work out and bring my weight/inches down before I have to weigh and measure. However, that does mean I can indulge in a little saturday night fellini's run. Their pizza is my favorite, and their crust is whole wheat so it's not even really all that bad.
My clothes are starting to not fit me anymore. I'm pretty excited about that. I am going to go try on some clothes and see if I fit into a smaller pants size this weekend. I have a feeling that I am in between sizes right now, so I might just need to buy some belts.
Its funny- I wonder how much weight/inches a person has to lose (or gain, for that matter) to change clothing sizes. There has to be some sort of universal measurement for stuff like that.
Yesterday was a big test for me. It was the end of the month "homework party" at work. What that means is that kids who have done their homework every day or done some sort of education enrichment or free reading every day get to come into my office and have a special snack and watch a movie. Yesterday was The muppets (which I absolutely effing love. And saw twice in the theater) and build your own ice cream sundaes.
I am proud to admit that in a sea of chocolate strawberry and whipped cream, I didn't have a bite. And really, I didn't even want to that badly. It was a pretty good feeling. I am starting to feel way more in control of my cravings, which is great, because that makes me feel like I am in control of my body, you know? For a long time my eating habits were absolutely out of control, and I didn't even realize it. It became pretty clear to me when I was talking to my friend Nick about it over tea yesterday.
I mentioned that I had been getting fast food twice a day. His eyes bugged out and he gasped at me "twice a day?!"
Yeah. I dunno, I think subconsciously I knew it was wrong, since I went to pretty great lengths to hide just how bad my eating habits were from the world. I would purposely drive out of the way to fast food places where I hadn't been in a while so that even the drive through workers wouldn't notice how often I had been there. It's kind of insane, I know. But the whole thing was kind of insane. It feels good to feel like I am done with that chapter of my life.
Anyway- for those of you keeping score, my meals have all been kind of teh same since cheat day. Two shakes, a bowl of cereal, some fruit and some unsalted almonds. Some people don't like a really mundane eating routine, but I kind of do. Plus, it makes meal planning easier. So whatever.
So, I picked up some new herbalife formula one yesterday. Cookies n cream. I have to admit, it's pretty tasty. I am looking forward to blending it with some chocolate protein today and seeing how that works.
Also, since Sunday is easter, I have to weigh in on Saturday. Which, I will admit, I am a little upset about. That gives me one less day to work out and bring my weight/inches down before I have to weigh and measure. However, that does mean I can indulge in a little saturday night fellini's run. Their pizza is my favorite, and their crust is whole wheat so it's not even really all that bad.
My clothes are starting to not fit me anymore. I'm pretty excited about that. I am going to go try on some clothes and see if I fit into a smaller pants size this weekend. I have a feeling that I am in between sizes right now, so I might just need to buy some belts.
Its funny- I wonder how much weight/inches a person has to lose (or gain, for that matter) to change clothing sizes. There has to be some sort of universal measurement for stuff like that.
Yesterday was a big test for me. It was the end of the month "homework party" at work. What that means is that kids who have done their homework every day or done some sort of education enrichment or free reading every day get to come into my office and have a special snack and watch a movie. Yesterday was The muppets (which I absolutely effing love. And saw twice in the theater) and build your own ice cream sundaes.
I am proud to admit that in a sea of chocolate strawberry and whipped cream, I didn't have a bite. And really, I didn't even want to that badly. It was a pretty good feeling. I am starting to feel way more in control of my cravings, which is great, because that makes me feel like I am in control of my body, you know? For a long time my eating habits were absolutely out of control, and I didn't even realize it. It became pretty clear to me when I was talking to my friend Nick about it over tea yesterday.
I mentioned that I had been getting fast food twice a day. His eyes bugged out and he gasped at me "twice a day?!"
Yeah. I dunno, I think subconsciously I knew it was wrong, since I went to pretty great lengths to hide just how bad my eating habits were from the world. I would purposely drive out of the way to fast food places where I hadn't been in a while so that even the drive through workers wouldn't notice how often I had been there. It's kind of insane, I know. But the whole thing was kind of insane. It feels good to feel like I am done with that chapter of my life.
Anyway- for those of you keeping score, my meals have all been kind of teh same since cheat day. Two shakes, a bowl of cereal, some fruit and some unsalted almonds. Some people don't like a really mundane eating routine, but I kind of do. Plus, it makes meal planning easier. So whatever.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
016: Wtf, tell me I look skinnier!
Okay out there. It has been almost three weeks. I am getting to the point where my pants dont fit me anymore and my tops/sweaters are comfortable and way way less snug. I feel great, and I can definitely see the difference in my body.
However, I don't think anyone else can?
Of course, I give people who see me on a regular basis the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it's hard to see weight loss day to day in people, and my weight, of course, must fluxuate daily.
However, today I met a friend of mine for coffee. (Well, he had coffee, I had green tea with lemon). We sat and talked for about an hour and a half. I told him about this diet and workout regimen I've been putting so much effort into. It was great to see him but, inwardly, I felt a little disappointed.
I haven't seen this friend in three months. And, I don't know, maybe it's unrealistic at this stage of the game to say so, but I sort of felt like I was expecting a little bit of a wow, you know? Which raises a question- how long before people start noticing? And am I just noticing the changes in myself as a way of wishful thinking or whatever?
My ex-roommate chris told me a few months ago that women don't like being asked/told that they lost weight, or that they look thinner. I think Chris is probably on crack, or else the women he is referring to are. Let me tell you something guys out there: every woman, regardless of what level of fitness she is, does not mind being told they look thinner or asked if they lost weight. It is definitely not a bad thing to hear. Ever.
Anyway, I am not going to let it rattle me. After cheat day I am back on track and ready to find some new ways to work out, since hopefully that will sculpt and tone me even more. I am thinking about taking Zumba at my gym (I used to take it in new york in 08 and I loved it), and maybe try yoga or a power sculpting or kickboxing class. I am a little nervous since part of me thinks I will totallly make an ass of myself in front of a whole bunch of fitties, especially if I pass out or puke or something, which, depending on the intensity of the class, is entirely possible, but I definitely feel like I need to try something more, you know? Something drastic to speed things along a little. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to do anything potentially harmful, and I know I will get there eventually. Still though. I want that wow factor, and I want it now.
I've never really been a patient person.
However, I don't think anyone else can?
Of course, I give people who see me on a regular basis the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes it's hard to see weight loss day to day in people, and my weight, of course, must fluxuate daily.
However, today I met a friend of mine for coffee. (Well, he had coffee, I had green tea with lemon). We sat and talked for about an hour and a half. I told him about this diet and workout regimen I've been putting so much effort into. It was great to see him but, inwardly, I felt a little disappointed.
I haven't seen this friend in three months. And, I don't know, maybe it's unrealistic at this stage of the game to say so, but I sort of felt like I was expecting a little bit of a wow, you know? Which raises a question- how long before people start noticing? And am I just noticing the changes in myself as a way of wishful thinking or whatever?
My ex-roommate chris told me a few months ago that women don't like being asked/told that they lost weight, or that they look thinner. I think Chris is probably on crack, or else the women he is referring to are. Let me tell you something guys out there: every woman, regardless of what level of fitness she is, does not mind being told they look thinner or asked if they lost weight. It is definitely not a bad thing to hear. Ever.
Anyway, I am not going to let it rattle me. After cheat day I am back on track and ready to find some new ways to work out, since hopefully that will sculpt and tone me even more. I am thinking about taking Zumba at my gym (I used to take it in new york in 08 and I loved it), and maybe try yoga or a power sculpting or kickboxing class. I am a little nervous since part of me thinks I will totallly make an ass of myself in front of a whole bunch of fitties, especially if I pass out or puke or something, which, depending on the intensity of the class, is entirely possible, but I definitely feel like I need to try something more, you know? Something drastic to speed things along a little. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not going to do anything potentially harmful, and I know I will get there eventually. Still though. I want that wow factor, and I want it now.
I've never really been a patient person.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
015: More observations from workout world (brought to you by sleep depravation)
So today, for the first time in a long time, I am exhausted. I dont think that cheat day has much to do with it. I think it has a lot more to do with the fact that my next door neighbor (who everyone is afraid of because she is batshit crazy and probably a meth addict) has convinced our landlord (who is probably terrified to say no) that she can renovate the 3rd floor of the building where we live into her own private penthouse.
So that means there is hammering, drilling, furniture moving, loud music, and drunken stumbling around until like 5 am. With no insulation in the walls. Awesome.
I am mentioning this more as a disclaimer about the crankiness of these gym observations. I still dragged my butt to the gym today (mostly because I wonn't have time on Wednesday OR Friday to work out), and maybe it was the sleep depravation, but the girls in the girls only area of the gym seemed about 1000 times more annoying than usual. So without further ado:
So that means there is hammering, drilling, furniture moving, loud music, and drunken stumbling around until like 5 am. With no insulation in the walls. Awesome.
I am mentioning this more as a disclaimer about the crankiness of these gym observations. I still dragged my butt to the gym today (mostly because I wonn't have time on Wednesday OR Friday to work out), and maybe it was the sleep depravation, but the girls in the girls only area of the gym seemed about 1000 times more annoying than usual. So without further ado:
Letters to the ladies at the gym!
Letter one: The Woo Girl
Dear Woo Girl,
I was unfortunate enough to be jogging on the treadmill next to yours this morning. My luck was further accosted when I had to use the elliptical machine on the other side of you. Why is this a problem, you ask? Well, for starters, every two minutes you would let out a WOOP! of joy and fist pump the air with such volume and intensity that the first two times it happened you startled me to the point where I nearly face planted and fell off the treadmill. Thanks for that.
There is no doubt in my mind that you are thoroughly enjoying your workout. And that's great for you. Don't let me stop you. In fact, judging by how happily you were celebrating every 2 minutes on the treadmill, you probably don't get out much. Outrunning some chubby ladies in the girls gym might just be the highlight of your day or week. And I don't want to take that away from you. I really don't.
However. Imagine that you are working in your office or studio or whereverthefuck it is you work, or doing something else that requires a lot of concentration on your part. Let's say you're building a card house. If I stood 6 inches away from you and WOOPed like an exotic bird every so often, you'd have to start over a lot. It would break your concentration and you would fuck up. Some of us, who have lives, don't get to go to the gym every day so working out, really working out takes taht same concentration. So do us all a favor and kindly keep the fucking woops to your fucking self. Thanks.
Letter 2: Aerobic Spice Girls
Dear Aerobic Spice Girls,
I think it's lovely that you all work out together. Really, I do. In fact, I wish I had 5 friends that would pay a gym membership and clear their schedule to work out with me. So maybe I'm a little jealous, as I sit alone on this crunch machine, but I think it's something else.
I saw TWO of you work out in the girls gym today. TWO. The rest of you sat around on the equipment and watched the women walk out of the gym- and then talked shit about them. That girl's sweatpants are sooooo walmart specials, becky. Tattoos much? And that's not all. comments about their bodies, their hair. Not nice ones, either. You think nobody can hear you? I've got news for you, it's a fucing ECHO chamber in here.
It's really nice that you can waste your time sitting here doing nothing and talking shit about women who are working hard to improve their bodies. You don't need to excercise. You probably never have. You are probably the types of girls who have always been really hot and REALLY aware of it. Good for you. But can't you have your hen session somewhere else? Do you really need to crowd up equipment that some of us actually WANT to use so you can gossip about people you don't even know? People you probably won't ever see again?
Furthermore-
Who. THE FUCK. do you think you are?
I worked out for an extra 15 minutes today, until you bitches left (Thanks for making me push myself to do extra reps) so that I wouldn't have to walk by you as I left. And as you all left, I said a selfish, kind of mean little prayer to myself that tomorrow you wake up with an extra 200 pounds each on you. Cellulite and double chins and extra flabby skin. I hope you wake up hot messes, trapped in these heavy, clumsy bodies. And I hope that when you do,, you have to walk by girls just like you. And I hope they cut you to pieces. I hope they make you cry fat blubbery tears. Because otherwise you'll never even notice. You'll n never realize that even though they can't hear you, you're still being horrible people. And you're adults! ADULTS!
So in short: Get a fucking hobby and get the fuck out of my gym.
Sincerely,
Cranky Jenny
That felt fantastic to get off my chest. Seriously.
Working out was rough today without all those people there. I don't know if it was because I was tired, or because my body is hitting another plateau. It was so hard to keep my heart rate up where I wanted it to be today. Anybody have any insight or suggestions on this?
Thanks again to everyone who is reading and sharing stories and getting something from me writing this. Sometimes its humiliating, but I feel like if anyone is finding hope or entertainment or anything from this, then it's worth it.
Also, I miss facebook.
So. effing. Much.
Week3: 147lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder and green tea
Lunch: 1 cup cheerios, 1/2 cup skim milk, green tea
Dinner: herbalife sake w/protein powder
Snack: 20 unsalted almonds
Water: 8 80z. glasses
Excercise: 50 minutes cardio (treadmill, eliptical, and some super scary machine that made me want to die), 300 crunches, various strengthening/toning activities.
Monday, April 2, 2012
014: Happy Cheat Day!
So. Today was cheat day. I've decided not to post what I've eaten today, but suffice it to say that today's cheat day was lovely. It's good to indulge every now and again. Everything in moderation, right?
And tomorrow it will be back to the diet grind, refreshed and re-committed. Ready to hit the gym running (literally!).
Also, worth noting, is that my friend Ruth, whom I went to film school with, runs a UK group devoted to raising awareness about body image. I was actually in the bar with her talking about the very things I write about in this blog 6 years ago when she came up with this idea. Six years later I'm still writing and still struggling, and she's got this thing that's kind of a big deal in the UK. It can be found here: http://www.bodygossip.org
Aaaanyway, she read my blog and asked me to write something for their upcoming book. That's pretty exciting news. I think I'm going to write about that feeling a little like a sellout. Losing weight is a very conflicting experience, especially since at a certain point I think I deluded myself into thinking I owed it to myself not to lose weight (if that makes any sense). It's like, if I lose weight I am conforming to society's conventions of beauty and desirablility, because I think that's the only way to live. I think, in a lot of ways it's seemed kind of strangely brave. I admire women who can say "you know what, this is the size I am, I love it, and fuck you if you can't get on board with it." Part of me wanted to be that woman.
Part of me also wants to get married someday. Part of me also doesn't want to be a huge risk for diabetes and heart disease. So you see? It's conflicting.
Anyway. So that's where I'm at. Not much else to report today.
Is it totally sad and pathetic that I'm already considering what I will enjoy on my next "cheat day"?
And tomorrow it will be back to the diet grind, refreshed and re-committed. Ready to hit the gym running (literally!).
Also, worth noting, is that my friend Ruth, whom I went to film school with, runs a UK group devoted to raising awareness about body image. I was actually in the bar with her talking about the very things I write about in this blog 6 years ago when she came up with this idea. Six years later I'm still writing and still struggling, and she's got this thing that's kind of a big deal in the UK. It can be found here: http://www.bodygossip.org
Aaaanyway, she read my blog and asked me to write something for their upcoming book. That's pretty exciting news. I think I'm going to write about that feeling a little like a sellout. Losing weight is a very conflicting experience, especially since at a certain point I think I deluded myself into thinking I owed it to myself not to lose weight (if that makes any sense). It's like, if I lose weight I am conforming to society's conventions of beauty and desirablility, because I think that's the only way to live. I think, in a lot of ways it's seemed kind of strangely brave. I admire women who can say "you know what, this is the size I am, I love it, and fuck you if you can't get on board with it." Part of me wanted to be that woman.
Part of me also wants to get married someday. Part of me also doesn't want to be a huge risk for diabetes and heart disease. So you see? It's conflicting.
Anyway. So that's where I'm at. Not much else to report today.
Is it totally sad and pathetic that I'm already considering what I will enjoy on my next "cheat day"?
Sunday, April 1, 2012
013: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (and other lies we tell ourselves)
Hey all! So my final weigh in for this week has me losing 4 total inches off my various body areas, and 7 pounds total. This brings my weight to 147 (13 pounds total weight loss so far)
Hell fucking yeah.
I had a great workout this morning and then went to my meeting with josh for weigh and measure. He was pretty pleased, as was I. He even suggested that my metabolism would benefit from one cheat meal a week, as long as the portions are small. I've decided that meal will be mondays (since it gives me the most time to make up for it before the next weigh and measure).
You know what that means?
Pizza tomorrow.
I could do a happy dance. I know, it's sad to be that elated about pizza, but I am. And it's approved my nutrition coach so I dont even have to feel that badly about it!
Another thing happened during my weigh and measure. We were talking about my music ( http://www.reverbnation.com/ ) and how body image factors into that. And he said that, you know, whatever weight I'm at, I'm beautiful. I said thanks, and he raised an eyebrow.
"You know how beautiful you are, right?" He said.
Now. Don't get all up in arms. Josh is ubergay. He was simply stating his opinion. But the truth is, I don't know that. I haven't known or felt that I was pretty in a very, very long time, if ever. Because even when I was young an skinnier (a size 8/10 and biking 14 miles daily) I wanted to be thinner. I wanted to be a size zero. And sure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but personally I think that is bullshit. People have told me I'm pretty. Not many, but some. And it has never mattered. I always figure they are just being nice or polite or trying to get something from me. And that's because, if YOU don't know you're beautiful, it doesnt matter what the beholder thinks.
And furthermore, we put SO much emphasis on body size when we are assessing beauty. The girl that lives next door to my roommate and I once said a girl was so fat (And I saw this girl, by the way, she was maybe 1 or 2 sizes bigger than me) that it was hard to look at her.
How can anyone feel beautiful when they are invisible to the people around them, when people actually avoid looking at them?
And clothes shopping! Something I have dreaded since I was eleven. How the hell can you feel beautiful when you have to go to a "specialty" store (and pay 5 times what the same dress costs at a normal store) because none of the regular stores have your size?
Skinny people will never know how horrible this feels. How plus size women, even women like me who LOVE clothes will avoid mall trips, especially with skinny friends. You know what I do when I go into a normal store like Forever 21 with my roommate? I make a bee-line for the accssories. Scarves, hats, jewelry, purses. Things like that. I convinced myself I would rather shop for those things because I then didn't have to face the depressing reality that if I DID want to buy a dress in this store, I couldn't. Because it wouldn't fit me. So my friends are all happily trying on adorable sundresses and tops that I desperately want to wear, and I am wandering around the accessories and checking my watch and countingthe seconds til it is over and we can go somewhere where I am not as glaringly unattractive.
How can anyone feel pretty in that situation? It's like being slapped in the face by society with the knowledge that You don't look like what regular people are supposed to look like. You need to change.
And yeah. I'm changing. And while I am partly doing it because you can only fight these situations for so long before you have to play ball, I am also doing it for myself.
Because I want so badly to feel beautiful. Even if it's just once.
...Who doesn't?
Week 3: 247 lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Lunch: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Snack: 1/4 cup strawberries
Dinner: 1 small pork chop, 1 cucumber
Also: 8 8oz glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators
Excercise: Ran 4.5 miles, 300 crunches, various arm and leg weight/resistance excercises
Hell fucking yeah.
I had a great workout this morning and then went to my meeting with josh for weigh and measure. He was pretty pleased, as was I. He even suggested that my metabolism would benefit from one cheat meal a week, as long as the portions are small. I've decided that meal will be mondays (since it gives me the most time to make up for it before the next weigh and measure).
You know what that means?
Pizza tomorrow.
I could do a happy dance. I know, it's sad to be that elated about pizza, but I am. And it's approved my nutrition coach so I dont even have to feel that badly about it!
Another thing happened during my weigh and measure. We were talking about my music ( http://www.reverbnation.com/ ) and how body image factors into that. And he said that, you know, whatever weight I'm at, I'm beautiful. I said thanks, and he raised an eyebrow.
"You know how beautiful you are, right?" He said.
Now. Don't get all up in arms. Josh is ubergay. He was simply stating his opinion. But the truth is, I don't know that. I haven't known or felt that I was pretty in a very, very long time, if ever. Because even when I was young an skinnier (a size 8/10 and biking 14 miles daily) I wanted to be thinner. I wanted to be a size zero. And sure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but personally I think that is bullshit. People have told me I'm pretty. Not many, but some. And it has never mattered. I always figure they are just being nice or polite or trying to get something from me. And that's because, if YOU don't know you're beautiful, it doesnt matter what the beholder thinks.
And furthermore, we put SO much emphasis on body size when we are assessing beauty. The girl that lives next door to my roommate and I once said a girl was so fat (And I saw this girl, by the way, she was maybe 1 or 2 sizes bigger than me) that it was hard to look at her.
How can anyone feel beautiful when they are invisible to the people around them, when people actually avoid looking at them?
And clothes shopping! Something I have dreaded since I was eleven. How the hell can you feel beautiful when you have to go to a "specialty" store (and pay 5 times what the same dress costs at a normal store) because none of the regular stores have your size?
Skinny people will never know how horrible this feels. How plus size women, even women like me who LOVE clothes will avoid mall trips, especially with skinny friends. You know what I do when I go into a normal store like Forever 21 with my roommate? I make a bee-line for the accssories. Scarves, hats, jewelry, purses. Things like that. I convinced myself I would rather shop for those things because I then didn't have to face the depressing reality that if I DID want to buy a dress in this store, I couldn't. Because it wouldn't fit me. So my friends are all happily trying on adorable sundresses and tops that I desperately want to wear, and I am wandering around the accessories and checking my watch and countingthe seconds til it is over and we can go somewhere where I am not as glaringly unattractive.
How can anyone feel pretty in that situation? It's like being slapped in the face by society with the knowledge that You don't look like what regular people are supposed to look like. You need to change.
And so, when someone doesn't feel like that. When they think you are perfect the way you are, it is hard to believe they are sincere or serious when you have all this empirical evidence to the contrary.
Anyway.And yeah. I'm changing. And while I am partly doing it because you can only fight these situations for so long before you have to play ball, I am also doing it for myself.
Because I want so badly to feel beautiful. Even if it's just once.
...Who doesn't?
Week 3: 247 lbs
Breakfast: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Lunch: herbalife shake w/protein powder in water, green tea
Snack: 1/4 cup strawberries
Dinner: 1 small pork chop, 1 cucumber
Also: 8 8oz glasses of water, 3 multivitamins, 2 cell activators
Excercise: Ran 4.5 miles, 300 crunches, various arm and leg weight/resistance excercises
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