019: Fat girls remorse

Jumping crocodiles, Batman! Two blog posts in one day! It's like... Christmas!

Really though, I just thought this morning's blog was a little sub-par, didn't you? And I have things to write about now, so I figured I could do it now rather than later when I've forgotten the point I want to make.

Today was kind of a big day in the world of this particularly curvy girl. Firstly, I got to go to work later than usual (9:30!). There's a big promotion taht I'm up for and I had a meeting for that. It looks pretty promising, but I've never been the type to get my hopes up unrealistically.

I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. About getting dizzy. About that stupid measly pound. About the fact that my weigh and measure is tomorrow and I haven't lost enough. I hate that I am obsessing over it this much, but it is really important to me that I keep this momentum going. I know if I don't I'm just going to back slide into twice a day drive throughs and drinking like a fish.

Anyway. I left my meeting and went to the daycare program that I manage. Lo and behold some WONDERFUL parent had left myself (and the rest of my staff) presents. Mine was a giant. chocolate. bunny. And some reese's peanut butter eggs. I was torn between thanking them and telling them to fuck off.

So I went about my super busy work day, constantly passing by that treasure trove of bad/delicious items. Keep in mind, I don't even particularly like candy. But when I do, it usually involves peanut butter.

So finally, I gave in. I had one- ONE- peanut butter egg and then gave the rest to the kids. They were souped and rode that sugar high for the rest of the day. Me? I had fat girls remorse. Especially since people saw me eat it.

What is fat girl's remorse, you ask? It is the way we eat things we know we aren't supposed to. Half the time we don't even enjoy it,, when in mixed company. It's the way we look up shamefully from our plates or candies or what have you when we catch someone looking at us eating in public. It's the way we actually hide what we eat or how much we eat from boyfriends, skinny friends, and casual aquaintances. People we know might judge us or think differently of us. And the thing is, skinny girls don't care. A skinny girl will not think twice of ripping into a bacon double cheeseburger and fries right in front of her significant other, and not care. Because chances are, he'll think it's cute that his lady can eat.

But only if she's skinny. That's the double standard right there.

Maybe I'm the only girl who feels this way, but I doubt it.

Anyway. After the peanut butter egg incident, I was really kicking myself. I had convinced myself that that one peanut butter egg was going to completely ruin my weigh in tomorrow. I was already plannning on skipping dinner and doing double time at the gym tonight and tomorrow before the weigh in. I went home feeling like crap. Even though for the FIRST TIME since I started this little healthy experiment someone noticed that I had lost weight. I still felt like crap. I couldn't focus on the positive. All I could focus on was that damn slip up.

And then I checked my mail.

And I recieved a really thoughtful little gift from miss Sarah S. (of the aforementioned http://twentyforty.wordpress.com ) . Sarah had apparently seen that I had been having a rough couple of days and sent me the cuuuuutest little gym tote for my keys, phone, headphones and what have you (a very thoughtful gift!). And it made me feel so much better. I am so glad I have friends who know what I am going through and who are, in some cases going through the same thing.It is good to hold each other up, because it's not easy, and people who haven't been through this will never know how hard it is.

So Sarah completely rebooted my bad mood. I cooked dinner! And, by the way, I made a great whole wheat english muffin pizza that REALLY hit the spot and is only 155 calories (even with the sauce and delicious cheeses on it!) and a spinach, cucumber, and romaine salad, into which I sprinkled a grilled chicken tenderloin that I seasoned with lemon and pepper. It was such a good dinner. I still think I am going to try to hit the gym tonight. WOW is 24 hours and I feel rejuvenated again.

I'm going to leave you with some insight that my friend Maggie posted not too long ago. She told me to focus on all that I have lost, and to keep my chin up. And I'm really trying. Some days are harder than others, but on those days I thank YOU GUYS for getting me through. Xxx